Shepard's seeming bodyguard reviewed the visitor's permit from Anderson and evidently found no problem with it, though he seemed surprised.
"She hasn't had any visitors besides Admiral Anderson." Said the Lieutenant, handing back the permit.
"None?" Kaidan said, with a stab of guilt. He knew that he almost certainly wouldn't have been allowed access, but he could have tried.
"Nope, not that I could have let them in anyway." The younger marine said with a frown. Kaidan noted, with some relief, that Shepard had clearly had someone decent looking out for her. He motioned for Kaidan to follow him towards the door, pausing before he entered the access code.
"She's a bit…" he trailed off with a sigh.
"I know," said Kaidan, with an exhale of his own.
"Just… y'know, remember that."
—
The last of the day's light bathed the, surprisingly spacious, quarters in a warm glow. The large open plan room combined a living space, work out area and a kitchen. What seemed to be a bedroom lay through a door to his right, presumably with a bathroom beyond.
Leaning up against the large windows, facing away from him was a silhouette he'd know anywhere. His breath caught in his throat, his head spinning for a second. She must have heard his entrance because, though she continued to stare out over the Vancouver skyline, she spoke— the same dejected tone coloured her words.
"Anderson, I was planning an early night."
He braced his voice lest it betray his emotion.
"Shepard,"
Not her first name. Not after so long, even though he felt the same way.
Her figure tensed for a second before she slowly turned; so unlike the quick, confident movements he remembered.
"Kaidan…" she breathed, and for a second, a second, he almost expected her to race to him with open arms. But instead, her body grew rigid again and she folded her arms defensively. "Why are you here?" her voice was steel, the tone she used when faced down her enemies, right before she blew them to Hell.
"I…" He really should have planned this more. "I was at the hearing… I wanted to see you… to see how you are."
Shepard's eyes flashed.
"I think you forfeited the right to ask how I am, Commander." She all but spat at him, clearly unaware of his promotion— he was in civvies after all.
Probably not the time to update her.
"Shepard, I…"
"Actually got anything to say Alenko?" 'Kaidan' had clearly been tossed aside, yielding an internal wince. "More names perhaps? I think you pretty much covered it last time though. Thought of some fresh ones?"
"No, Shepard I'm—"
"I hear you're testifying at the trial. You gonna give a full account of how I betrayed the Alliance?" She didn't mention that he'd also accused her of betraying him.
"I'm a character witness for your defense actually," Kaidan's voice grew a little stronger, provoked by her words that hurt him, though he'd more than earned them. "No one told you?"
Shepard was clearly surprised, her eyes dropped to the floor and her next words were marginally quieter.
"I haven't been particularly involved in my defense."
"Yeah, no kidding."
That jerked her eyes back to his, flaring once more.
"Again, I don't think you really have the right to concern yourself with that anymore."
"Well I do!" he hadn't intended to shout. The words hung in the air for a moment, pregnant with further significance— at least to him. He brought his volume down. "I do Shepard… what are you doing?" he implored.
Shepard paced a little towards the window.
"Exercising free will— for once." She said bitterly. "I've had enough. I'm done— I quit!" It was twisted, but some part of Kaidan was relieved by this new fire— something other than the hollowness of before. But her quieter next utterance brought a fresh jolt of pain. "I couldn't even fucking die in peace." Now that twisted the knife in his gut.
"This isn't you."
"Oh no, it's exactly me." Shepard said bitterly. "You're the one who's so sure that I'm a Cerberus clone— or brainwashed— remember? So why shouldn't I be different?"
"I was WRONG." Admitting aloud for the first time since his realisation made it all the more certain in his mind. Shepard turned back to him, but her expression was no softer. "You have to stop this! Defend yourself— so something. Will you please just hear me out?"
"You have nothing to say that I want to hear. I think you should leave."
"Shepard—" there was definite desperation now as he started towards her.
"I said get out!"
Kaidan heard the door open behind him, followed by the guard's stern voice, drawn by the shouting.
"Time to go." 'Defensive' didn't cover the lieutenant's tone.
"Shepard—" he tried again, but she just stalked away to her bedroom, crashing the door behind her. That was enough for him, more than he could stand. Without another word, or even a glance at the burly marine, Kaidan stormed out of the apartment, not stopping and barely breathing— or so it felt— until he had reached his own felt like he was bleeding out through his stomach. Once he'd slammed the door, safe in the privacy of the sorry excuse for his own home, he let out an unconscious, uncontrolled pulse of biotic energy— the first time he'd lost control like that in years. Not content with multiple pieces of decimated furniture, he pounded a fist into the wall, leaving a dent and tearing the skin on his knuckles— though he barely noticed.
"Fuck, fuck fuck." He said through gritted teeth, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.
What the hell am I going to do now?
Gah, this is a minefield of feelings.