"Come in,"

The voice that called him inside was barely loud enough for him to hear. His eyes quickly found Shepard,once again leaning against the windows. With her N7 hoodie wrapped around her, it was almost as though she had stepped out of his memories, or the dreams that had haunted him. She insisted that she favoured it because it was soft and comfortable— not because it was an easy way to proclaim: "I'm the biggest badass you'll ever meet sweetheart, so you better fucking watch yourself". On the last day of the shore leave they'd spent together, as they packed their bags, she'd torn their hotel room apart, unable to find it. Once he'd persuaded her to sit still, he conducted a more methodical search and soon found the hoodie behind a curtain. Shepard's smile had been so grateful, so earnest, that he'd been helpless to resist when she yanked him down onto the bed beside her— joy replaced by mischief as she crawled up his body.

They'd missed their checkout time.

But of course this couldn't be the same hoodie— it must be a replacement. The one Kaidan had known so intimately would have been lost with the SR1… along with so much else.

"Kaidan," his name, softly spoken, drew him out of his reverie. Shepard had moved a little closer; her arms were folded loosely and her whole frame screamed of uncertainty, as though she would dart away if spooked. This was different from before, but still so far from the woman he'd known— no, the woman he knew.

He moved a little closer, cautious of startling her into retreat. His mouth fell open as words floundered in his mind, fighting to be declared the least hopelessly inadequate. Maybe the silence became just too awkward, or maybe Shepard took pity on him— for whatever reason, she spoke whilst Kaidan continued to blunder wordlessly.

"Thank you," she said quietly, looking down at her feet. Kaidan's mouth closed, only to drop open again. Shepard hurriedly continued in a faux—casual tone, as though she wanted to stop her thanks hanging between them. "—for what you said at the hearing, I mean." Shepard met his eyes for a fraction of a second and he found vulnerability behind her affected nonchalance. "It was very decent of you."

Decent?

"I meant it." He finally blurted. Shepard brought her eyes back to his face. "I meant all of it— more than all of it. I—" sighing, he rubbed the back of his neck, looking away from her unsure stare. "God, Shepard… I don't…"

"Kaidan—" Shepard raised one hand a little and took a step backwards.

"No, Shepard— please… I… I've been such an idiot—" the words tumbled out incoherently. "—and I don't expect it to make any difference now that I've been so… but Shep I… I need you to know I'm sorry— even if you don't believe me— because why would you now that I've been such an ass?… but… God Shep I'm so fucking sorry." He fought against his voice as it started to waver. Shepard was staring now, her eyes wide and unreadable, but she said nothing so Kaidan continued his desperate speech. "I just… Seeing you like this… I can't begin to fathom the things you have weighing on you… the things you've been through," Shepard visibly tensed for a second, sending a fresh ripple of pain to his gut. "But the thought that my… that the way I was might have made that even worse… I can't…"

"Might?" Shepard spoke sharply at last, a brief flash of something passing across her features. "How the Hell could it not? I did nothing but think about you from the second I woke up in that place, alone and scared and… and then when I finally found you it was even fucking worse—"

Kaidan felt his head begin to spin under the weight of her words.

"I feel sick even thinking about the things I said Shepard—" he moved closer, but she simply refreshed the distance.

"So what, this is about clearing your conscience?" she almost spat, leaving him winded.

"What?… No. God, no!" he insisted, restraining the urge to move towards her again. "I can't bear to see you like this… Horizon—" he had to steady himself at the name of that damn backwater. "Horizon… was such a fucking disaster— I was such a disaster… I always was until you— and then losing you," Kaidan's voice broke a little at last. Shepard seemed to be willing to let him say his piece, tightening her arms around herself. "I didn't think I was going to make it— I didn't want to make it. I came so close to, to… but somehow I didn't… and it was still so hard— I was barely functioning, I barely remembered to feed myself… and then I finally got into this… this numbness, this emptiness where I could just about work." He paused, shutting his eyes against the tears he felt forming, opening them at last to meet Shepard's, which had grown softer, if not warmer. "When the rumours started… I didn't think for a second that they were true— I couldn't, because if they were then that meant that I could have done more after you… after Alchera. That meant that not only did I leave you to… to die on the Normandy, I'd also given up and accepted you were dead when someone else did more. Someone else carried on… and I abandoned you twice over. And Cerberus…" Shepard's lips parted slightly, but he hurried on, eager to explain "I know I was wrong now. I was so fucking wrong about so much. But the idea of you working with them seemed too absurd to even consider it was true. After Toombs and Kahoku… I just didn't think for a second that any of the stories could be true, but they still hurt… God, they hurt— so I ignored the vids and the reports… maybe if I hadn't I would have been more prepared…

"But then seeing you… you were so there and so… you. I just lost it. And God, I'm so ashamed. My mind just short circuited… all that crap I had— and all the stuff I thought I'd beaten into submission over two years, it all hit me again in an instant. I couldn't— I just couldn't. It was ground zero all over again… I thought I was losing my mind Shep… because everything told me it couldn't be you, but everything told me it was… So I lost it…" his voiced dropped to a hoarse whisper. "—I lost control… And I didn't have a way out… so I guess I made one— as fast as I could without thinking— in the worst possible, most mindlessly awful way… one colossal explosion of uncontrolled shit." Kaidan brought a shaky hand to his damp eyes, long past trying to level his voice. "I'm so sorry. I wasn't strong enough Shep. Maybe I never was… Even before… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry… I can't even begin to— and I know it doesn't change anything… but God, I'd do anything to change it… to not be so fucking weak—" he barely contained a sob, but the next one turned to a sharp intake of breath when he felt cool fingers lightly moving his hand from his eyes.

"Kaidan," Shepard didn't look angry as she brought his hand back down to his side. Kaidan was certain that he'd fall into those mesmeric eyes, so wide and bright with more emotion than he could hope to register in his current state. "Kaidan, you're not…" Shepard whispered— and, as she continued to stare, Kaidan saw moisture starting to gather.

"I left you on the ship to die." He croaked, very aware that their hands remained ever so lightly touching. "I should have stayed."

"You couldn't have done anything," her words were faint, as though she slipping back into the memory. "And I gave you an order—"

"I should have DISOBEYED." He cursed himself when Shepard jumped a little at his raised tone. "There might have been something—" with effort, he brought his volume back down. "— and if not then at least I would have been with you when— when you—"

"Kaidan, I—"

Shepard's eyes shone with the promise of tears as she stepped forward, raising a hand to his face but snapping it away at the last second and leaving a fresh ache in its place. She turned back to the window and took a couple of paces, one hand clenched at her side and the other tangled in her hair. Kaidan just watched, confused and strangely exhausted.

"Jesus, Kaidan… I…" still facing away, Shepard pushed her hair from her face. "I hated you after Horizon."

He wanted to respond, but what could he say? Shepard had let him speak, he owed her so much more than to simply allow her the same. But it was a start. Eventually she spoke again, voice trembling a little, but strangely assured.

"I was so scared when I woke up… it was all so quick… One second I was screaming in space— thinking of nothing but YOU by the way—" her aside was venomous, but more than earned "— and then I was there on that table… alone and confused and…" Shepard sighed and her entire form seemed to deflate. "—it was so quick. It wasn't two years, it was seconds. I couldn't take any of it in… dying… Cerberus… I just kept thinking that I had to find you… and no one would help me… even Anderson refused to tell me anything at all… I tried Kaidan. I tried so hard to find you. I guess it didn't look that way to you, but I did… and then we got the tip off about Horizon… when he said— when The Illusive Bastard casually mentioned that you were there… I should have known right then that it was a setup, but I was so…" Shepard wrapped her arms back around herself and paused. "… When we hit the ground, I tore through that damn colony. I hadn't fought like that since before I woke up… I just needed to find you— because if the Collectors had— had taken you… but they didn't get you, and— Oh God, when I saw you there, for a second I thought that maybe things would be okay…" she let out a short, bitter laugh. "Pretty fucking naive right? You'd think dying would impart a little more realism."

Dying.

It was more than Kaidan could bear; he stepped towards Shepard who spun to face him with a hand outstretched to halt him.

"I see it now." Shepard lowered her arm, shaking her head a little as she spoke. Her face was damp with tears. "I see… I see how it must have looked. In your situation maybe I— And I should have thought about that more— about all of it… I should have tried harder to explain, stopped your from walking away… But… God, the stuff you said…"

"I was a wreck Shepard," he insisted desperately "I didn't think— I couldn't think— I didn't mean—"

"But you still said it." Shepard ground the words out slowly, each one of them a suckerpunch. Kaidan nodded pathetically, watching her sigh before continuing. "It hurt, Kaidan. It hurt so fucking much. It was… it was like getting spaced all over again. Except it didn't end… it just carried on and on— and there was no end to it because I'm Commander Shepard and I had to save this shit hole of a galaxy— again— regardless of whether it wants, or deserves to be saved."

"You don't mean that Shepard." He said quietly.

The Galaxy doesn't deserve her. She's given so much.

"Maybe I do!" her voice rose to a shout for the first time before she let out a deep sigh. "I don't know what I mean." Shepard said, rubbing her eyes. "I'm so sick of being like this."

"Let me help Shepard," he implored. "Let me try."

"And how exactly are you going to do that?" the manic glint in her eyes unsettled him further. "Oh, and what the fuck was that email by the way?"

Kaidan grimaced, yet another star item in the catalog of his regrets regarding Shepard.

"That was…" Words failed him. He remembered exactly what he wrote— every mortifying word of it. "I know I sound like a broken record," he sighed. "But I was such a wreck. I'd just been to see Anderson… had a massive argument with him… I wasn't sleeping… I was drinking too much… it doesn't excuse any of it but…" Another sigh. "I drafted a million emails trying to explain it… apologise for… well, everything. But you didn't reply so I—" Shepard raised an eyebrow. "—not that I blame you!" he added hurriedly. "I didn't deserve a response. Not after I'd been so… I fucked up. I was fucked up."

"I really wanted to keep hating you." Shepard ran her hand through her hair again. "Joker offered to run you down with the new Thanix Cannon." A sad sort of smile tugged at her lips.

"Oh," That wasn't particularly surprising. All of Shepard's crew were fiercely loyal, but Joker more than most. He and Kaidan had been close once, but after Alchera… "Well I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd taken him up on it."

"I do understand that it…" Shepard trailed off. "I wanted to keep hating you. But I couldn't. When I thought about it… I don't know what I would have done if you'd died in the attack and I'd survived. Thinking the Collectors had taken you on Horizon was bad enough. Seeing me like that… from nowhere, back from the dead, stitched together and glowing—" Kaidan winced. "—and with Cerberus. I could have done more to explain. And two years is a long time. I would never have wanted you to stay alone. Of course I would have wanted you to move on. Expecting you to still— expecting everything to be to the same was absurd."

Why the hell did I have to mention the doctor?

"I never moved on." He said quickly, dignity long since abandoned. "I tried to but… I guess I didn't want to. I had one date— just one— to shut my friends up. She was… she was fine. But she wasn't you. And I knew that no one ever could be." He forced a shy smile. "You're not so easy to get over."

"Yeah well," Shepard almost returned the smile as she took a step closer. "Neither are you."

"Then don't." He let it slip before he could think.

"Kaidan…" Shepard looked away. With a stab of guilt, Kaidan spotted fresh tears forming. Yet more that he was responsible for.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." He said softly, closing the distance between them and tentatively laid a hand on her shoulder.

"It's not that I…" she looked at his hand for a while, then met his eyes again. The tears remained. "It's just… I'm so tired, Kaidan. It all feels so…" the words morphed into a sob as they left her, dragging a tear with them. "I don't think I can do it."

Before he could stop himself he brought his other hand to her cheek, wiping the tear away with his thumb. Relief washed over him when she leaned ever so slightly into the touch. The look in her eyes as she stared up at him, so earnest and yet so hopeless, threatened to steal his breath.

"I know Shep," he murmured with a slight croak. "Let me help. Let me try."

Shepard nodded, then shook her head.

"I don't know how you can." He words were a whisper.

"Um,"

Startled by the voice from behind them, they hurriedly broke away from each other, spinning round to find Lieutenant Vega sheepishly peering around the door.

"Sorry to interrupt," he said awkwardly. "But I've had a message from Hackett— he'll be here in five."

"Thank you Lieutenant." Said Shepard, clearing her throat. Vega nodded as he left.

Shepard wiped away her tears.

"I guess you should…"

"Yeah," he sighed. God, he wanted to kiss her. But he knew that would be far too much. He took her hand in his instead, relieved when she didn't take it away. "I don't know if they'll let me after tomorrow," he started hesitantly. "But if I can get through, can I come back?"

Warmth spread through his heart when gave a small, but genuine, smile and nodded.

"I'd like that." She answered with a sniff. "Although I might be locked up properly by this time tomorrow."

Kaidan shook his head.

"Hackett won't let that happen Shep." She nodded, though he knew she wasn't convinced. "Speaking of Hackett…" He glanced back at the door.

"Yeah," she gave his hand a little squeeze and he couldn't help but smile.

Oh fuck it.

Before he could overthink it, he moved closer to lightly press a tentative kiss to her cheek, drinking in her scent. He heard a faint gasp as his lips met her skin. When he pulled back, her smile had grown. They watched each other for a while, until—

"Uh, Major?"

Shepard's bodyguard had reappeared.

"Yeah, okay."He sighed, taking one last look before following. "Take care Commander." He smiled.

"You too."

Kaidan glanced back as he reached the door, tingling with something close to, but without the audacity of, hope. The fading sunlight rendered Shepard a silhouette against the windows. He couldn't see her expression, but a quiet part of his mind insisted that somehow, despite everything it would be a little brighter than before.

/

I'm not really sure how this fic went- but I really wanted to get it finished for Shepard's birthday.

I'd like to thank everyone who has read it, especially everyone who commented/reviewed. You really made a huge difference, so I hope this ending is vaguely satisfying. I tried to stop it getting too OTT, but I may have failed there. Or I may have gone too far the other way.

Gah, I've never claimed to be Hemmingway.

Thank you again.

/