Chapter 3

AN: Just a quick note to say that I have decided to (mostly) skip the trip for this story, and if you find yourself hunkering for some of that, check out the other version of this story (by me, of course) called Burglar (to be updated soon)

I must say, for the sake of the lawyers who are probably not reading this, that I do not own the Hobbit, even though it is in the public domain (I think) and I certainly have no ownership of the films. Disclaimer Instance Completed! +10XP. Level Up!

Trolls

Bilbo fumbled the troll's pocket on purpose, of course. He knew the purse would give him away. Troll's things always were straight mischief. He'd have gotten away clean on the merits of his silver tongue, if the dwarves hadn't stumbled into the firelight and been promptly sacked.

He tried to help Thorin free the others, but he was a Burglar, not a Warrior. Stuck in a bush was not how he had anticipated the night going. He began to wriggle in the tiniest increments so as not to be heard.

By the time the trolls had decided they would roast the dwarves, Bilbo had realized that no one was coming to save them; it was up to him. He pitched his voice to the gravelliest grumble he could manage, and said the most infuriating things he could think of to keep the trolls arguing. He changed his mind about the bush, too: at least he was at the right height to pass as a troll. *

The troll cave was locked, and Bilbo had the key, but he was rather vexed at how easily the dwarves had gotten caught, and that Gandalf had not shown up to help them, so he held on to it until they were all at least as angry as he was.

Elves

In Rivendell, Bilbo examined pretty much everything, unbeknownst to the elves. He put it all back, of course. Except one book that he just had to have and was a copy, anyway. He took the newer copy because he suspectedthe old raggedy one was a first edition and they can always make another copy, right? It's about plants and absolutely fascinating. No way could Bilbo have read it all while they were there, even though they sojourned at least two weeks in Elrond's house.

Goblins

Under the Misty Mountain, Bilbo was too terrified to even think of his Burglarish skills until after he fell off Dori's shoulders. He met Gollum and wondered why in Arda such a creature would need a pocket, so he picked it. To his everlasting astonishment, it turned out to be a magical golden ring of invisibility. Well, fancy that!

Eagles

He didn't mean to take anything from their rescuers, honestly. But as they rested overnight in the eyries, he picked up a feather here and a feather there, and somehow they were still in his pack as they stood upon the Carrock, watching the last eagle silhouette disappear into the distance.

Beorn

The acorn was not truly stealing; Beorn would never notice it, probably. But he had taken something from another's property and planned to enrich his own with it, and by Shire definition that was a grievous theft indeed.

More Elves

He felt no compunction whatsoever in stealing from the moronic tree-huggers who imprisoned his friends. He re-appropriated all the Company's equipage; that was only fair, in his mind. What he stole was food and lodgings for himself, supplies to go on, any trinkets he thought looked vaguely dwarvish, and as much gold as was not nailed down.

For his Triumph, he stole 13 dwarves and 13 barrels and the formerly dignified reputation of the dungeons of the Woodland Realm. Ha! A pox on presumptuous immortal lordlings!

Men

By the time they entered Lake-town, Nori, Thorin, and the sons of Fundin had begun casting him appraising glances. They suspected something or other, and he couldn't be bothered with the complication of discovery just now. He pretended not to notice anything, and made a big show of the piddling cold he'd caught Barrel-Riding. Instead of staying in his bed, he slipped out a window, nicked some onions, and effected the most brilliantly eye-watering cure he knew of. Just to be on the safe side, he continued to put on an atrocious accent and bury his face into pocket handkerchiefs any time one of the Dwarves looked his way.

Meanwhile, when he was supposed to be resting and the Dwarves would not notice him missing, he puttered around town, picking up information discreetly and getting the pulse of the place. How he despised the Big Folk! They tended to be blinkered, selfish, grasping, squalid, and always in a rush. Moments of genuine love – for anything or anyone – were few and far between and usually reserved for a person's children. Bilbo reckoned it was an instinct that every species required in order to flourish, and didn't ascribe them much credit for it.

To be entirely honest, this prejudice had its roots in an encounter from many years ago. He never forgot the man who had cheated his dwarves out of their wages just because they were dwarves. Nothing he'd seen since then had changed his view of them. **

He didn't take anything from Esgaroth. He wanted nothing of theirs.

AN: I hope you all enjoy the book-verse research I have been doing, because I sure have! I noticed that a lot of the fics (probably 90%) use the movie as canon. I disagree with this, though I can see how the epic fanfiction film series by Peter Jackson came to be the way it is. I love the actors characterization, but I like the facts from the book better. In most cases, anyway. Cheers!

*in the Hobbit p41, credit goes to Gandalf for the voices, but I think that's phooey.

**Believe it or not, Bard is not even mentioned during the Dwarves' stay in Lake-Town. LOL!