Fear. It drove him on, sending him thundering forwards, yet warned him to turn around and not look back. It pushed and pulled, tearing him in two.
He succumbed to the push and forced himself onwards. Somehow, he knew he didn't have to go back. But the power of his master was too great to resist. His bare feet soon became painful as they pounded the hard ground, but he didn't stop.
It seemed his fear of Akito was greater than his fear of pain.
At the entrance to the Estate the desire to run was stronger than ever. Panting heavily, he entered quickly before he could reconsider.
This was madness anyway. Of course he was going to return, what was he thinking?
Several cars were sweeping up the drive; the first clients for that evening. He slipped in the entrance and strode quickly up the gravel drive before crossing the lawn in long strides. He tried to appear nonchalant but his chest was pounding and he felt taunt as a spring.
Reaching the garden he looked around, trying to decide what he should do.
Judging by the rapidly deepening darkness, the evening was well underway. Yuki didn't know who his client was for the evening, or where he was meant to meet them.
Should he return to Akito's room to dress? Should he go to the dining room and pretend he had been eating dinner if Akito questioned him? Should he slip into one of the lounges, in case Akito was already looking for him? But he was undressed, and without shoes. Maybe he was overreacting... could he not just tell Akito where he had been? He would understand. Yet even as he thought it Yuki knew this wasn't an option. Akito loved him, of course, but he may not understand...
A staff member appeared while he was dithering. She walked several steps into the garden, stopped suddenly at the sight of his and hurried back inside. Yuki balked. This was it. What to do. Instinct told him to run. To run and run.
But he couldn't move.
Run. Run. He couldn't move. Run! No use...
It was too late. Too late. Run!
Akito appeared, framed in the doorway.
Yuki's eyes were fixed upon him, his feet rooted to the spot. He could no better control his racing pulse than calm the stormy seas. His tongue was dry.
It was foolish he told himself. He shouldn't feel this way towards Akito. If he was to be punished he deserved it. He knew this. He knew what he was. He knew what he owed Akito. Knowing this however, did nothing to dispell the fear.
Akito approached slowly, a curious look on his face.
Yuki, still unable to move from the spot, inclined his head in submission.
He waited.
The seconds dragged tortously slowly as his master strode across the neat lawn.
"Yuki. I was looking for you. There's a client waiting. Where were you?" His voice was measured and careful, a swinging pendulum.
Yuki couldn't respond. Where were his words?
"Yuki? Answer me." Softer, more dangerous. The pendulum was slowing. Yuki could imagine it. Back and forth. Back and forth. He knew it would soon stop.
"I'm sorry." Yuki managed.
"Sorry? What for my sweet?" Yuki didn't respond. The truth? Or a lie? He knew saying nothing would be an admission of guilt. "Look at me Yuki."
Yuki dragged his eyes to meet Akito's obediently. He had never refused a command, and he could not start now. Akito's gaze was piercing.
The pendulum trembled and stopped. "Where were you?"
Yuki felt sick. He swallowed nervously and opened his mouth. He still didn't know what he was going to say.
"Hey Yuki! You missed one, can you do it quickly?"
Haru bounded into the garden, shirtless, and Yuki was sure he had never been more grateful to see anyone. Haru stopped when he saw the scene before him.
"Oh, sorry Akito. Yuki there's one more?" He strode over confidently, as though nothing was amiss.
Yuki stared, unable to comprehend. What was Haru doing? Haru handed Yuki a small jar and gave him a meaningful look. He turned around, and Yuki, examining the jar, understood. Trying his best to appear relaxed, he rubbed concealer over the still uncovered bruises littering Haru's hips and back.
"What's this Yuki?" Akito looked equally confused and irritated.
"Yuki was helping me cover my bruises. Last night's was a bastard."
Yuki finished covering the bruises and handed Haru to concealer. "Remember not to fool around in the shower tonight." Yuki worked hard to keep his voice light and joking, but his head was aching with the stress.
Akito looked frustrated. "Helping him cover his bruises?" he asked Yuki scornfully.
Yuki nodded. "Yes."
"Well you wouldn't like tonight's clients to see this hot body all marked, would you?"
Akito looked like he had a bitter taste in his mouth.
"You should mind how you talk to me Haru. Come Yuki."
He grasped Yuki's arm and walked him away. Yuki wanted to talk to Haru, to thank him. He hadn't seen Haru watching the scene in the garden but he must have, and acted quickly to help Yuki. Yuki was so touched, and so grateful. Haru was... a friend. A good friend. He owed him.
Akito only released his hold of Yuki when they reached his bedroom. He pushed Yuki onto the bed and kissed him forcefully. He grasped Yuki's shoulder sharply
"Get ready quickly. Don't keep me waiting."
Yuki's head swam. The rapid changes in Akito's temperament were difficult to keep up with. Akito left with a dark glance back at Yuki.
The instant he left Yuki collapsed backwards on the bed. His heart was racing.
That was too risky. Far too risky. Leaving the Estate was foolish. That could have ended so badly. Yuki didn't even want to consider how badly it could have ended. Thank goodness for Haru. He wouldn't be leaving the Estate again. He belonged here. He knew what he was.
He dressed quickly, not bothering to shower. He went to his small room, straight to the cabinet. Ahh, he didn't need to be able to read to know this one. Vodka. His true lover.
He drank until he could feel the warmth licking at his insides and the lights twinkled pleasantly. Then he drank some more. Enough to curb his inhibitions. To lend him some numbness.
.
That evening he was charming, flattering, alluring. He mingled with other clients in the main lounge but devoted all of his charm towards his own client. By the time he carried her to the room which was his for work purposes, she was putty in his hands.
He worked hard that night, as though desperate to reaffirm this was where he belonged. Akito could not doubt his loyalty.
Yet as the woman screamed his name it didn't sound right. And it didn't feel like he belonged.
He was good at what he did, he was very good. She said he was special. She even called him a God at one point. But it made him feel emptier than ever.
He tenderly helped her dress in the morning, peppering her neck with kisses. He was attentive and courteous. But behind the gentle smile his eyes were dead and empty.
Before she left she kissed him passionately. Strangely this, more than the sex, really made him feel like he was selling himself. He felt like he was stripping himself bare, flaying parts of his soul off before her, leaving nothing behind. She slipped a crisp note into his underwear and he murmured his thanks against her lips.
When the door closed behind her Yuki dressed quickly and padded barefoot along the corridor to Akito's quarters. He made his way quietly into the bedroom, peeled his clothes off, letting the money he had no interest in flutter to the floor. He went for a second shower without glancing at Akito's sleeping form, washing himself thoroughly.
He walked naked and dripping to his small room, desperate. He finished the vodka curled in the corner of his room. He just wanted numbness. He didn't want to think. He didn't want to feel.
He dressed unsteadily, selected another bottle from his fast-dwindling stock, and crept out the french windows of Akito's room into the garden.
He sat outside for an hour, slowly sipping the fruity gin. Then he resignedly made his way back inside, knowing he had to be there when Akito awoke.
He eased himself into bed and ten minutes later when Akito's alarm rang he pretended to sleep. He felt Akito stroke his hair, and down his chest. He was thankful when he left a minute later, showering before dressing and leaving for work.
Then Yuki relaxed. He wandered outside once more, collecting the gin, and went to his favourite bench. He waited and drank, trying not to think. He couldn't let it get under his skin.
His mind soon became more fluid and things didn't bother him so much. He lay back, sipping happily.
He was finally able to fall asleep. Hours later Haru arrived. He gently prised the bottle from Yuki's slack grip and woke him.
Yuki flinched in fear at being woken suddenly, cowering away.
"Just me." Haru assured him.
Yuki relaxed. Haru waited patiently for a moment. "So?" he eventually inquired. Yuki knew what he was asking. But could he tell him the truth? Could he trust anyone? Then again he owed Haru the truth.
Wordlessly he reached for the bottle, which Haru relinquished to him. Yuki took a long, comforting drink, and began his story.
By the end Haru was drinking from the bottle.
"Wow," he said when Yuki finished. "I mean the rest of us get to go out more than you of course but it's been like a year since I left the Estate -and a girl! You sly fox!"
Yuki blushed slightly.
"I don't think I can go next week though. It's... too much risk." Haru nodded somberly, looking slightly disappointed.
"Thank you,"Yuki continued, "For covering for me."
"Ahh it's nothing."
"No, it really is. You could have gotten in a lot of trouble. I owe you."
Haru laughed. "It's fine, Akito needs me... my dick is far too fabulous to pass up." He stared at Yuki with a serious expression until Yuki couldn't stop the laughter. Then they laughed together.
That afternoon was spent passing the bottle back and forth and laughing, until Yuki fell asleep once more. Haru draped a blanket over his friend before going to watch a film with Momiji.
.
That week Yuki was at war with himself.
Every day he changed his mind.
He wouldn't leave again. It was too risky. He couldn't. He belonged here.
He would. He would meet Tohru again as promised. He managed once before, why not again?
There was no way he could. What was he thinking? Akito was his master.
She had smiled when he said he would be there again. He could see the trees and the flowers. The people...
He was a gutter rat who sold his body for money. He didn't belong in that bright world.
These thoughts competed for dominance in his every waking hour, and sometimes invaded his sleep.
By the time six nights had passed, Yuki was no closer to deciding.
He could see Tohru...
But he didn't deserve too...
It was too risky...
But he had promised...
.
When a week had passed, Yuki awoke groggily in Akito's bed.
He looked around and knew what he was going to do.
Some promises are difficult to keep. But some people are worth getting hurt for.
.
Thank you to anyone who reads this, and especially to those who have reviewed/followed/favourited. I was considering stopping but now I think I'll see it through. So thanks :)