This time was different. Last week his head had been all over the place; confused, angry, scared.
Today he knew perfectly what he was planning... what he was doing.
Akito pulled him gently into the shower, tenderly caressing Yuki as he gradually woke up. Yuki submitted to him. He only wished he could have had a drink first, that always made him feel better.
He let his mind wander, thinking ahead. He was going to leave the Estate again. He had decided. He was going to do it. He could do it. He could definitely do it.
Why then was he so scared? As Akito slowly got dressed, Yuki reclined on the bed, deep in thought. His tongue was dry. His head was pounding. His palms were moist.
His body was warning him this wasn't a good idea. He wondered wildly if he should listen to it. Surely it knew what was best...?
When Akito kissed him goodbye Yuki was still struggling with himself. The door clicked closed behind Akito.
Yuki's gaze wandered to the window. The sky beckoned him. He had promised her.
And Yuki decided then that he would never break a promise to Tohru.
He sat up abruptly. He was going.
He dressed in his casual clothes and walked outside. He had slept only a few hours but there was no way he could settle now. Even his favourite bench could not provide the peace it usually did. He sat then rose and paced, sat again, rose again...This continued until he was annoyed with himself. Frustrated and restless, he made his way inside.
He never actively decided where to go but he was unsurprised when he found himself at the bar in the main lounge. The bar was closed during the day, only opening in the evening and running through the night.
That didn't matter to Yuki though. He carefully swung himself over the counter, as he had many times before.
What to have today...
He settled on wine in the end, something a bit different. He took a bottle and a glass to the plush leather arm chairs which littered the main lounge.
Pouring himself a glass he felt fairly sophisticated. Maybe if he drank from a glass, in this comfortable armchair, in this grand room, he could pretend he was someone else. Someone wealthy perhaps. Someone refined. Most of all, someone free.
Ahh what a life I have, Yuki thought. All I have to do is sit here and drink wine. No-one owns me... I don't have to do anything I don't want to.
He sighed. His imagination wasn't powerful enough to convince himself. He could push the truth to the back of his mind but there it would ferment, eventually sending tendrils of unwanted truth forward to infect his happy illusions.
Whatever. He didn't give a damn. He didn't deserve happy illusions anyway.
He whiled the hours away slowly drinking the wine until he realised he should eat something. He meandered into the small dining room.
There were two dining rooms; a large one for Akito to entertain guests, and the other, smaller one for the staff. The staff dining room featured a service hatch in one wall which connected to the kitchen. It was this to which Yuki wandered now.
He didn't order here often. Usually Akito would feed him, or Haru would bring him something. Yuki supposed he had become quite dependent on others.
He hovered by the open hatch, not wanting to disturb the kitchen staff. A moment later a woman noticed him.
"Can I help you?" she asked politely, but Yuki could hear the false cheeriness behind it. He had told too many lies not to know one now.
"Erm... could I have a sandwich? Just whatever's easy... whatever you've got?" He didn't fully understand why he was so nervous. With clients he was a smooth-talking seducer. Yet even as the woman nodded and turned away Yuki felt the uncomfortable flush creeping up his neck.
Why was it easier to sell his body than order a bloody sandwich? When had that happened? It was bizarre.
He sat down at the long wooden table with his sandwich, eating dutifully without completely tasting. He wasn't very good at feeding himself, especially lately.
He felt a pang of guilt. What would Akito say? He often reiterated that he provided Yuki and the others with any food they could want, on request. Yuki knew he was very fortunate. Often he merely forgot to eat, or didn't consider it important or felt unwell. He should do better. He should be grateful.
As he ate, the door slowly opened and Kagura entered. She paused for a second when she saw Yuki. Then she smiled and continued.
Yuki was relieved. Most of the others had disliked him for a while, as he received the best clients. It fortunately seemed that since he had become closer to Haru the others' attitudes towards him had softened. Yuki didn't especially care what they thought of him. Honestly his main concern was what Akito thought of him. Yuki's top priority was himself, and he knew that. It was just how this world worked. He hadn't the luxury of caring for others.
Kagura got her food and sat too. They spoke intermittently, of unimportant things. But it was pleasant. She had a soft voice and seemed receptive to what he was saying. Yuki was surprised when he realised talking to her was nice. After some time she left, and Yuki was alone once more. He took his plate to the counter and entered the main lounge, more cautious now in case afternoon visitors were using the lounge.
It was blissfully empty. He sank into the same armchair and waited. He waited until it was time to leave, feeling his stomach tighten in anticipation. Momiji entered, looking tired.
"Oh hi Yuki! What are you doing? I just woke up."
"Nothing, " Yuki replied closely, not sure how much he could safely give away.
"You wanna come play something on the playstation with Haru and me?"
Despite himself, Yuki smiled at the invitation.
"No thanks. Say... what time is it?" He cringed slightly at having to ask. He could more or less read the time, and nearly always got it right. It was just... he didn't want to risk it... not with Tohru waiting.
"Mmm, almost half four." Momiji replied, studying the ornate clock on the wall.
Yuki nodded. He should go. If he was going to go it had to be now. Now.
"Thanks. I have to go now." He worked to keep his voice steady and succeeded flawlessly; his acting was very skillful. He strode to the bar, swung over the counter and slowly selected a bottle. He was sure it was the same type he had left on the bench for Haru last week.
"Could you give this to Haru?" He handed the bottle to Momiji, who frowned.
" I mean, the two of you can drink it of course, but could you just give it to him from me? I think he'll understand..."
Momiji nodded. "Sure" he chirped brightly.
Yuki left the room without a backward glance.
He stripped quickly when he reached Akito's room and dressed in his evening clothes; suit trousers, a fitted shirt and leather shoes. He wanted to be smart this time. Besides, at lesst he would already be dressed for the evening.
Last week's excursion had been too risky. It was far too close to being caught.
Thinking of this Yuki very nearly changed his mind.
But he gritted his teeth, pulled on his second shoe, and stood. He was going. And he didn't plan on getting caught.
On impulse he stopped on his way through the garden and plucked a bright orange flower. He didn't know what it was. He didn't know why he did it. But it seemed right in the moment.
In a way, leaving the Estate that day was both easier and harder than the first day. It was easier because he had done it before and knew he could. It was harder because this time he knew exactly what he was doing. And that scared him.
Still, when he finally passed the gates and took his first step outside he felt wonderfully light and carefree.
He walked quickly and cautiously, anxious to ensure both that he avoided suspicion and that he managed to find the park again.
Luckily, it proved straightforward. It seemed in his frantic state last week he had more or less simply ran straight.
And the park was just as beautiful as he remembered. He was sure his mind had fabricated some of the beauty for its own satisfaction as he lay awake on the long nights. It now transpired that his memories had not done it justice.
The trees and grass danced delicately in the light breeze. The weak afternoon sun filtered down through the trees, leaving intricate dappled shadows on the ground. Filling in this beautiful backdrop were walkers, dogs, children, ducks...
It was so vibrant and stimulating to Yuki that he stood at the entrance to the park, staring for several minutes at the scene before him before he gathered his senses and walked on.
The bench was just where he imagined it to be, overlooking the small pond. He smiled as he sat down, feeling a strange sort of comforting familiarity in it.
He rested the flower on the seat beside him. Feeling unsure he crossed his legs. Then he uncrossed them. He stretched them out in front of him. He tucked them underneath him. He clasped his hands. He stretched his arms above his head.
Breathe Yuki. Breathe.
He was here now. He was here so he might as well relax and see it through.
Surprisingly this thought helped. He took a deep breath, noting the pleasant smells in the air.
Shortly after, Tohru appeared.
She walked slowly around the lake, seeming to talk to the dog beside her as she did. This week there was only the smaller of the two dogs, Yuki couldn't remember what its name was.
As she rounded the corner and saw him, she smiled. Yuki swallowed nervously, excitedly. He eventually managed to convince his face to respond, and returned Tohru's smile.
The dog forcefully pulled her the last few steps and she stumbled to a stop by the bench.
"Yuki, you came!" Her smile was genuine, her eyes were bright and sincere. Small wrinkles appeared at the corners of her eyes when she smiled.
And Yuki knew he could not regret coming for one moment. To see those smile lines... it was all worth it. No question.
"I promised." He handed her the flower from the seat. She took it timidly, seeming surprised.
"Thank you." Her voice was softer now, and he smile more reserved. She seemed shy.
Yuki patted the bench beside him. He didn't understand where he was getting this confidence from; all was chaos inside- pounding heart and spinning head.
She sat, and the dog sniffed at Yuki's leg. Yuki pulled away slightly, unsure.
"Oh Busters okay, he's very gentle." This was Buster then. Yuki slowly reached out a hand to stroke the dog's head. He couldn't remember ever patting a dog before. He found that once he did he was no longer nervous of him.
"This is lovely Yuki," Tohru continued, indicating the flower, "I think it's a tea rose." Yuki didn't know what to say to this so he merely nodded.
"Thank you"she continued.
"There's quite a few growing at... in my garden" He felt himself blush slightly. That was fine wasn't it? Most people had gardens?
"You seem to be feeling... better this week?" Tohru had a gentle way of asking questions which wasn't intrusive.
"I am," Yuki ventured, "Much better... thanks. There was just... some... stuff going on... last week." He finished lamely, his speech awkward and stilted.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Yuki paused. Oh if only he could tell her. In a way he was very inclined to. But he didn't have the words to give form to his thoughts. It was better if they festered in the darkness, never seeing the light of day.
He shook his head. "No... not yet."
"Well, I have to walk Buster." Tohru moved slightly and Yuki panicked. She was leaving. She didn't want him.
"Will you walk with me?"
Yuki couldn't help the smile which spread across his face. He was so relieved. He knew he was stupidly relieved over such a little thing. That didn't quell his happiness.
He bounced up like a puppy. The three of them walked together round the pond, and along a small path by a cluster of trees. Yuki was so happy.
It felt peaceful to be walking with Tohru. It felt... right.
They spoke comfortably, pleasantly, of the things they passed.
"You look smart." Tohru remarked.
"Erm, thanks." Yuki replied tersely, suddenly remembering he was wearing his evening clothes. And in remembering his evening clothes, he remembered the evening's activities that awaited him.
It was so incongruous to think of that here with Tohru. It made him uncomfortable.
They reached the back gate of the park. Both had been slowing their steps as they sighted the gate, wanting to prolong their time together.
"I'll have to go back." Tohru's tone was apologetic. "But I finish at six... if you maybe wanted to meet... for coffee or something?"
Ahh. Yuki wanted nothing more than that. His instinct screamed yes. But he knew it was impossible.
"I would love to, but I have to work. Thank you." Without meaning to he slipped into his work voice; smooth and soft, and made of lies.
"Oh right! What do you do?"
Yuki could think of no suitable answer, so he merely smiled.
Tohru seemed to realise she wasn't going to receive an answer. She laughed. "You're very mysterious Yuki."
Yuki shrugged cheekily. "Maybe next time?" she asked, and Yuki found himself nodding.
He inclined his head.
"Bye Buster... bye Tohru."
"Goodbye Yuki. I'm glad you came."
She turned and walked away. A moment later Yuki did the same. The park passed by in a blur before him as he hurried back. He didn't see any of it. He was floating, high, elated. She was glad he came.
That was it. That was all that mattered. Everything, everything was worth that.
He strode purposefully along the streets. This time he was efficient. He had left earlier, knew the way now, and was already dressed. Besides, this week he was considerably more emotionally stable.
He quickly reached the Estate and entered without any issues.
He had spent a week worrying about leaving, and now it was already over. Done in a flash. A dream flickering by. And now he had to wake up.
He jogged across the lawn and slipped in the French windows of Akito's room.
It was blessedly empty. He was much more organised and prepared this week. He knew he didn't have a pre-decided client this evening; he was just to mingle in the lounge. Someone would choose him. They always did.
He caught his breath and fixed his hair. He swung a suit jacket around his shaking shoulders.
He felt like he was coming down from a high. The dream was fading every second, like water escaping cupped hands. He needed a drink. He loped into his small room and grabbed a bottle. It was almost empty.
He sighed. So much of his energy this past week had been focused on today. Now it was over, and Yuki was suddenly very tired.
He strode confidently along the corridor to the small dining room. Haru, Kyo and Ritsu were sitting at the table, plates of food before them.
Haru looked seriously and meaningfully at Yuki. His gaze was disapproving and it made Yuki feel guilty and uncomfortable. He broke the contact and turned to one of the side tables. It held a kettle, cups, tea and coffee, a mini-fridge and a generous bowl of fruit. The Estate really did provide everything they could want, Yuki thought bitterly.
He clicked on the kettle and scooped two heaped spoons of coffee into a cup. And waited. The silence grow deafening. It was broken with a drawl.
"So, the great Prince Yuki has come to mingle with the rest of us?" It was Kyo, of course. Yuki ignored him. "Hmph. What have you been doing today then? Drinking to forget your wonderful position as Akito's favourite?" Yuki glared at him and Kyo returned it with a scowl. Ritsu looked nervous.
The sarcasm was strong in Kyo's voice, but Yuki considered that he didn't know how right he was. Unfortunately he had hit the damn nail on the head. Being Akito's favourite wasn't as great as an outsider would think.
The kettle finally boiled and Yuki poured a few inches into the cup and topped it up with vodka. Perfect.
"Oh Yuki, really?" It was Haru. He looked exasperated. Yuki shrugged.
"This way it's acceptable to have it in the main lounge." He tasted his concoction. It was rank, as expected. But it would do.
Yuki left without a word, kicking the empty bottle across the floor at Kyo.
"That's disgusting." He heard Kyo mutter as he closed the door.
He strode to the main lounge. Akito greeted him with a sweet smile and a gaze which traversed Yuki's body, making him feel naked. He contained his sigh. He knew lust when he saw it. It seemed it would be a long night.
Yuki drank his coffee-vodka mixture as he strode into the room. Momiji, Isuzu and Kagura were already mingling. Ayame and Kureno, who only worked a couple nights a week, were also present.
Ayame smiled at Yuki when he passed. Yuki ignored him. Ayame was biologically his brother, but it meant nothing to Yuki, Their mother had abandoned Yuki at the Estate four years before she did the same to Ayame. Besides this Ayame had never come to Yuki's aid when he was growing up on the Estate. He preferred to distance himself from him. To Yuki, Ayame was a reminder of his childhood. And that wasn't something he wanted to remember. Ever.
By the time Yuki had made his way to the bar several clients were watching him. He sighed resignedly. A well-dressed man was watching him from one of the bar stools.
Yuki made eye contact, turned away, and waited. Sure enough, a minute later the man approached, smiling self-assuredly.
"Can I get you a drink?" he inquired in a soft purr. Yuki smiled back. Those were the magic words. The only words he wanted to hear.
"I would love that."
.
Twelve hours later Yuki sat curled in the armchair by the window in Akito's room. He was exhausted, both mentally and physically. Even the notion of going to his cabinet for a drink was too much effort to consider.
Yesterday had been a dream. And now he was awake.
But the thing with dreams is... you always have to wake up. That's inevitable. But even if you must wake up, you can cling to that dream.
And Yuki cling now. He gazed at the gradually lightening sky and imagined he was somewhere else. On an old park bench beside a beautiful girl.
It helped. It made him feel less tired. Stronger.
He didn't need that drink. He would just have a sleep... wake up... talk to people maybe. And work towards next week. When he would see Tohru again.
He felt like some light was trickling into the vessel which had previously been numb. It was strangely pleasant.
He drifted to sleep, almost content.
What Yuki didn't consider was, in opening himself up to the the light... he was also leaving himself vulnerable to the dark.
And in his line of work, it was safer to be numb. Anything else... leads to disaster.
.
I'm sorry it's been so long, I honestly just lost track of the time!
Also, sorry this chapter is a bit long, oops. I hope it's alright :)