Warning: Contains homophobic attitude/slur.
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Yuki lasted four days before he left the Estate again.
He told himself it was because he couldn't always leave on the same day of the week. That as Akito was away on business for two days it was a perfect opportunity.
He told himself many things, but they weren't the truth.
He just wanted to see Tohru again.
On the first day Haru came to see him as he sat in the garden. He sat beside Yuki on the bench, holding the bottle of brandy Yuki had asked Momiji to give to him the day before. There was a silence, long and weighty.
Finally Haru turned to Yuki.
"You went again didn't you?" His voice was accusing and his words came quickly in his anger.
Yuki didn't respond. Haru already knew and he wasn't sure how to react to his friend's anger.
"You're an idiot Yuki." Yuki met his friend's eyes and saw that, rather than burning with anger, they were wide with concern. "You know how risky it was last time. I mean- I don't mind covering for you last week, not at all- but you know what'll happen if Akito catches you."
Yuki nodded. He wanted to say something, to say thank you... sorry... He prayed Haru was finished because he knew he didn't want to hear what was coming next. Haru ploughed on.
"Right now you've got your nice position and your tiny room with your bloody drinks cabinet and your other stupid shit. You don't need me to remind you what it used to be like, right? The darkness, the chains- the beatings? You've not forgotten that right?"
Yuki didn't want to hear this. He couldn't hear this. Couldn't think it, couldn't know it, couldn't understand it, couldn't remember it. No no no.
He realised his hands had jumped to his head in a futile attempt at stopping the memories. The memories which were buried deep within the numbness of his mind.
"Please!" He implored, and Haru stopped talking immediately.
Yuki's body was trembling and he inhaled deeply, fighting to maintain control. Haru looked at him with deep concern, his face seeming older than its eighteen years.
"I'm not trying to be a jerk. I just..." Haru sighed deeply, "I just hope you know the risks, that's all."
Yuki nodded once more as his breathing stabilised. He laid a hand flat on his thigh, watching his fingers open and close like a starfish. It was very soothing.
"I know..." he assured Haru.
"I mean I won't stand in your way or anything. And you know I'll never tell anyone, even if you go again, but... I won't be putting my ass on the line for you again. That's it. I have risks to consider too, and I want to leave here in three years. I won't risk that for you... or for anyone." He finished somberly, and there was a moment of silence.
Yuki understood perfectly. In fact, he knew he would feel the exact same, if there was the option of him leaving at twenty-one. Everyone looked out for themselves; it was the only way to live. No... it was the only way to survive.
"I understand." He thought Haru could tell he truly did, for after gazing sadly at Yuki for a moment he nodded and turned away.
He had been made of anger and fire when he sat down but now all the spark had left him. He was now an old man, weary of life and it's cruel tricks. He sat back and slowly opened the as-yet untouched brandy.
"To Haru being a selfish bastard." He took a large gulp. Yuki roughly snatched the bottle from him.
"To Haru being a good friend" he corrected. Haru almost smiled.
They toasted many things that day: survival, friendship, risks, Haru's massive dick...
In the end Yuki fell asleep, head slightly slumped on Haru's shoulder. Haru half-walked, half-carried him to the staff quarters. He helped him into his bed and left to get food with Momiji and Hiro.
When Yuki woke up, well rested and comfortable in Haru's bed, he smiled. He was sure Haru was the closest thing to a friend he had here. And he was very grateful.
He was just sorry he would have to disappoint him by leaving again.
The next three days he made an effort to work hard. He tried to sleep longer, and when this didn't succeed he rested in bed, resisting having a drink for longer than usual. When he did rise he dragged his tired, unwilling body to the small dining room and forced down coffee and fruit. It was a small breakfast considering the selection on offer but to Yuki, who was unused to eating so early, it felt huge and almost uncomfortably filling.
He could never keep himself away from the bar for very long, but the addition of more sleep and food to his daily routine made it feel different. Better.
On the fourth day, Yuki was sitting outside on the grass, vaguely admiring the new flowers which were blooming.
It was getting sunnier, and he wondered if Tohru had new freckles.
And that was when he knew he had lost.
He had fallen hard, and now he must see her. What if he missed a freckle?
There was no advanced planning that time. He used Akito's absence as justification for his impromptu leaving, but honestly it was far more simple than that.
He was not weighing up pros and cons, nor considering the morality of his actions, the consequences of his decision... none of that. He just wanted to see if she had another freckle. That was the most important thing.
He left without a word to anyone and was quickly at the park. An elderly couple were sitting on the bench, smiling together in the afternoon sun. Yuki wondered if that man cared about her freckles as much as he did. He hovered for sometime, and eventually they left.
Yuki sat immediately, scared someone else would claim it. It was his bench. Their bench.
He waited, calmer this time and less fidgety.
When she appeared she smiled once more, and Yuki knew, without consciously thinking it, that this was what he had been waiting for the past few days. That moment when she saw him, when she smiled... when he was able to make her happy. That was it.
She had two dogs with her again; Buster and a larger black one. Buster bounded over to Yuki as they neared him.
"Hey there Buster!" he stroked the dog, and he responded enthusiastically. "I don't know you yet," Yuki said, turning his gaze to the other dog, who was more reserved.
"This is Penny. She just had a slight ear infection."
Yuki stretched his hand out, palm facing upwards. She sniffed and licked it, before moving closer. Yuki smiled as he stroked her shiny coat.
"You're getting better with them, I think." Tohru smiled down at him, one eyebrow slightly raised. She sat without being asked, and the dogs settled at their feet.
"There were complications with Buster's treatment." Tohru murmured, as though Buster could comprehend, "They thought the removal of the tennis ball was a success, but it seems to have done more damage than expected." She smiled sadly down at Buster, who was licking his front paws.
Yuki was sorry to hear that; Buster seemed a lovely dog. He reached down and patted his head, and Buster's tail wagged in response.
"Oh! I really shouldn't be telling you all this, it's confidential! Oh dear, I'm sorry." Tohru looked wracked with guilt as she nervously bit her lip. Even as she was worrying Yuki couldn't help but find her beautiful. He wondered if that was a new freckle gracing her earlobe.
"That's ok," he assured her, "I won't tell anyone. Besides, Busters my friend."
She seemed to relax slightly. "My mum always said I spoke before I thought." She giggled, "But she did the same."
"Your... mum?" Yuki asked.
"Mmm, I still miss her, everyday."
Toru explained that both her parents were dead, and that she lived with her grandfather. Yuki was stunned. He'd never have known this bright and kind girl carried so much loss with her.
He was lost in thought for a moment. "I'm sorry" he finally mumbled, and he truly meant it.
"It's okay. I think... as long as I remember everything they taught me, they won't really be gone." Yuki was so touched by this that he was rendered completely speechless.
"Erm, I should walk them a bit," Tohru's gentle voice broke the silence.
They walked together around the pond, still talking.
Yuki noted the scrubs once more. He wondered what she would look like in other colours, and if he would have the chance to see.
When they reached the back gate both stopped. Yuki was disappointed, and Tohru seemed to be too. Their time together was so short.
Tohru glanced out the gate towards the streets, then back to Yuki.
"Well, maybe once more round the pond would be fine?"
Yuki beamed.
They began walking once more, and Buster and Penny seemed delighted, sniffing at tufts of grass and groups of flowers with renewed vigour as though, blessed with a second chance, they were going to make the most of it.
Yuki thought they had the right idea.
Without much thought, he slipped an arm through Tohru's.
It was not an elaborately planned gesture, nor was it dramatic or romantic. It was just what it was. A simple expression of feeling. Tohru smiled and Yuki felt giddy.
His whole life was touches. Romantic touches, sensual touches, sexual touches. Thousands of touches... but none was like this.
As they slowly passed the pond, arm-in-arm and smiling, Yuki thought that it was a truly wonderful day.
Of course, if they hadn't decided on a second turn around the pond, everything would have been alright...
"Yuki, there's something I'd like to ask you about" Tohru began timidly.
However, as they turned the last corner to head back to the gate, and before Yuki could respond, there was a momentous shriek.
"It's you!" A woman was striding towards them, her teeth bared and her eyes wide. She looked far more ferocious then the two dogs.
"How dare you set foot here- in a park where children play?"
Yuki was stunned, so much so that when Tohru broke their arms apart to step back with the dogs, he couldn't even move. What was this?
Bad. Bad. This was bad. But it was too late.
"Get away from him, you don't know what he is!" The woman turned to Tohru now, brandishing her handbag violently in Tohru's shocked face.
"He's a gay! A faggot who sells himself to other men."
Her words hung heavy in the air for a moment before they came piercing down through Yuki with a force which was staggering. This couldn't be happening. Couldn't be happening couldn't-
"He corrupted my husband with his wicked ways. He- he seduced him with his body and dragged him into sin!"
Yuki's mind was reeling. Was this really happening. He became aware of all the eyes upon them and panicked. So many people. They couldn't know. No-one could know. Tohru couldn't know. No no no. But still he couldn't force himself to speak.
Tears were running down the women's cheeks now, smearing her make-up dramatically.
"We had a daughter you know!" she shrieked at Yuki, and he felt it like a blow to the chest. A daughter.
"She's six, and now she doesn't have a father at home!" Yuki felt sick. He was shocked and sorry and angry and scared.
"Stay away from him," the woman warned Tohru, "Otherwise he'll pass it on to you."
She took a step back and spread her arms wide. "All of you! Stay away from this man. He's filthy. And he'll lead your families into sin and ruin!"
She glared at Yuki and stormed away, leaving carnage in her wake.
Yuki couldn't speak, couldn't move, couldn't think.
Bad bad bad badbadbadbadbadbad...
He drew in great shuddering breaths as the park shimmered and faded around him.
What had he done? And what had she done?
He couldn't breathe.
The stares of the onlookers pierced him like lances and he was sure he would soon bleed out from the intensity of his injuries.
He felt something gentle tugging at his arm. Tohru. She guided him from the park. Once they were beyond the onlookers she stopped. Yuki lent his back against a tree, struggling to breathe. Breathe. In for seven, hold for four, out for eight... as he'd learnt to cope with his asthma and panic attacks as a child. Breathe.
Slowly he resurfaced, and his breathing settled.
"I'm sorry," was the first thing he said. "I'm really- really sorry."
She shook her head fervently. "No, no." Buster tugged on his lead and she looked down the street in the direction of the Vet's.
She wanted to go. He couldn't blame her.
"I'm sorry,"Yuki repeated, still slightly breathless. "Thank you, for all your help."
So many people had seen. So many people knew. He couldn't be here.
He began backing away, then turned.
"Wait,- Yuki!"
"Goodbye Tohru" he said, as he began to run away, "I'm sorry!"
"Yuki!" she screamed after him, but he ignored her.
He had hurt her, disappointed her. What she must think of him now... knowing he had let her down was the worst feeling.
He ran fast and frantically. When the first drop of rain plummeted onto his head he barely felt it, no more than he did when it began pelting hard and fast all around him.
And so many people. So many eyes. That meant so many mouths which would talk to so many ears. That meant Akito.
Akito
Akito
Akito
He had been so stupid. So so stupid. So many people had seen. They would be talking now. It would spread.
He cursed himself.
Because of that woman he had lost Tohru. Lost his freedom.
A daughter.
The words echoed in his mind. She was six.
What had he done?
When he reached the Estate he sprinted inside without thinking to check if any staff were watching. He ran until he crashed to a halt in Akito's room. As Akito was away for the night it was his.
He frantically locked himself inside.
He found himself curled tightly in a corner. He realised with surprise that his eyes were wet and scoffed. He didn't deserve to be upset.
He had hurt Tohru. And lost her. He had hurt that woman's family. And in turn she had destroyed him. He had taken a risk in leaving the Estate. And now he was in trouble. And maybe Haru was in trouble for helping him.
Why did he hurt everyone?
He went to the drinks cabinet without thinking. He selected a drink without any awareness of what it was.
He curled in the corner of Akito's locked bedroom with his bottles. He sobbed without tears and raged without sound.
When the staff knocked on the door to ask if he was coming to the lounge to mingle, he shouted incoherently. When they persisted he threw a bottle at the door. The shattering of the glass was somehow beautiful.
It was just a pity the destruction of him could not be quite so artful.
That woman had ruined it, and now he knew he could never see Tohru again.
And if word reached Akito of him being in the park... Yuki could not even consider.
After some time rationality kicked in and he realised he could not disobey Akito further by refusing to work tonight. If Akito had been at the Estate there would be no question of his refusing.
He dragged himself to his feet, wiped his face with a sleeve and staggered to the lounge.
It was late, and many clients were already gone with the others. Some remained however, drinking and chatting. Yuki didn't have the energy or motivation to be charming, merely staggering to the bar. Despite this he was soon selected by a large man with small hungry eyes like a wolf.
He followed meekly as the man led him to the room.
The man was eager and rough.
"Give me what you've got!" he snarled. So Yuki did. He surrendered everything. He felt nothing... yet at the same time he felt everything.
The man was satisfied, and Yuki was paid.
And in the darkest hours of that night, for the first time in years, Yuki cried.
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Thank you everyone for reading :) Let me know what you think?