The Wednesday of the following week, Tohru came to the Estate again.
Yuki had been hoping each day that she would come. On that blustery morning when Hiro finally found him on the bench and informed him a client had requested him he sprang up and hurried inside. She was sitting just where she had been the previous week and smiled when he bounded towards her.
She had already ordered two orange juices which Yuki couldn't help scowling down at. Tohru noticed and laughed.
"I won't be getting you a vodka today, if that's what you think."
For a moment Yuki was annoyed, then he laughed with her. Maybe he didn't need a drink now... and besides he would get some from Haru later.
They talked comfortably about Tohru's work and what she had done the past week. They didn't mention Yuki's work though it hung as an omnipresent shadow over them.
After some time Tohru pulled a notepad and colouring pens from her notepad. Yuki was nonplussed.
"I was thinking, just if you wanted of course- and tell me if this is being insensitive or anything- I just thought... I could teach you to read, and write?"
Yuki couldn't believe what he was hearing. Teach him... to read... to write. No-one had ever offered. She was biting her lower lip nervously but he didn't understand why; of course he wanted that. Until that moment he hadn't known how much he wanted it. Now that he considered the possibility of learning however, the desire was ferocious.
He nodded. "Yes! That would be... just... amazing..." She smiled.
"But... maybe not here? Perhaps if we went outside?" He was suddenly aware of the eyes in the room. It wouldn't be possible for them to do that here. Outside was better. Safer.
He led Tohru slowly to his bench and they both sat. Yuki could hardly believe it. Tohru was here, sitting beside him on the bench, offering to teach him to read. People like him weren't usually so lucky.
"So... I guess we'll start with the alphabet?"
.
Yuki was a fast learner. Having been surrounded by words his whole life, he had stored a substantial amount of understanding subconsciously. Tohru taught him the alphabet and the sounds certain letters made together during that first lesson.
As the afternoon drew to a mellow close Tohru checked her watch and packed up.
"I don't want to end up having to pay to spend the night with you!" she laughed. Yuki laughed too, but there was an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach.
When she had left Yuki wandered into the dining room. He picked at his pasta, knowing he should eat something. When Haru arrived and sat beside him he was relieved. When he judged he had allowed Haru an appropriate time to eat he lent close to him.
"Could I have a drink Haru? Before my client arrives...?" He could almost hear the desperation in his voice. He hated having to beg like this, but he really didn't think he could go through with it completely sober, not now...
Haru held his gaze for a moment before nodding. He gave Yuki half a bottle of gin that night, with a grudging pat on the back. Yuki suspected Haru understood how difficult his work was becoming for him. Yuki sipped it happily, running through the alphabet in his head...
abc...defgh...ijk...lmno...pqr...s...tuv...wxy...z
And then when he was more confident, the other version Tohru had taught him... which made different sounds...
ABCDE...FGH...I...JKLM...NOPQR...STU...VW...XYZ!
That was how Yuki spent the next week, with the rhythm of his personal mantra keeping him going. It pushed the blood round his veins, forced him to take one step after another, drove him to continually deliver powerfully with the clients.
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz...
Round and round. While he ate he mouthed the words, while he showered he sounded them out. And he knew the sounds some made together... he was anxious now to make words from them.
.
The following Wednesday Tohru came again. This time Yuki was waiting for her. Wednesday was the only day except Sunday she didn't work at the Vets, and on a Sunday she spent time with her grandfather. So Wednesday was Yuki's day.
He was in the lounge when she was escorted in, standing by the bar with two orange juices, too anxious to sit. They went outside immediately and sat on the bench. The wind danced, pulling their hair into fantastical shapes, but Yuki ignored it. He proudly recited the alphabets to Tohru and recounted the sounds they made with other letters. She smiled indulgently and pulled her notebook from her bag. Yuki was ready and hungry for more. Learning stimulated him in a way he had not previously experienced and he feasted on it.
The alphabet had come easily to Yuki, possibly as he had some long-buried memory of it, but reading and writing words was considerably harder. Tohru began with simple words... "dog", "cat", "log"... Yuki sounded them out then tried to write them using his new knowledge of the alphabet. It was a frustrating process and he was often embarrassed by his mistakes and slowness, but Tohru was a patient teacher and never showed any annoyance. After an hour their drinks were finished and Tohru decided Yuki deserved a break. They wandered inside again, admiring the garden as they passed it. Yuki excitedly showed Tohru where the tea roses grew.
It was then, when they arrived back inside, that Yuki experienced an almighty collision of worlds, the force of which could destroy everything in its wake.
They were standing at the bar as the bartender poured their drinks when Akito entered the lounge.
Yuki didn't see him at first, but some instinct made him alert and he turned. Akito was occupied, showing a group of several men and women into seats at the far side of the lounge, yet his eyes still bore into Yuki. He felt like he had received a violent punch to the gut. Why hadn't he expected this?
Akito waltzed gracefully towards them, an enchanting smile lightening his features. Tohru turned just as he reached them and her eyes widened in surprise. Yuki felt like his chest was being wrapped tighter and tighter with each second. This couldn't be. Akito and Tohru together, breathing the same air. But it was.
"I don't believe I've had the pleasure...?" His smile was as smooth as his honeyed voice.
"Oh sorry, Tohru. Tohru Honda." Tohru was blushing furiously. But it wasn't a blush Yuki enjoyed; he was furious Akito could make Tohru stammer in such a way. And... he was scared? Rooted to the spot and unable to think clearly, he could merely observe the collision of his two worlds, a helpless spectator.
"Enchanté" Akito purred silkily, his smile alluring and sly. Tohru blushed deeper, looking unsure. And Yuki knew he had introduced an angel to the devil. And there was nothing he could do. In Akito's presence he was frozen.
"Would you give me just a small moment with Yuki? I promise he'll make up any lost time with you later." Akito's voice was a genteel purr, impossible to refuse. Tohru nodded nervously and exited to the garden, clutching their orange juices.
It was only when she had disappeared from view that Yuki felt able to breathe again. Akito moved close to him after a furtive glance at his small party of clients.
"Hmm, afternoon clients are amusing aren't they? She seemed... sweet." His warm, sweet breath tickled Yuki's cheek and he barely suppressed a shudder. "I wonder if she'll taste as sweet, hmm?"
All the air seemed to whoosh out of Yuki's lungs. White fury flashed across his mind. He wanted to hit Akito, to hurt him. He wanted to make him apologise to Tohru. But he didn't. He couldn't. He was powerless. He thought suddenly of his watch and teddy bear in the weathered old tin.
Like a child caught misbehaving, Yuki could only cower before Akito's words, hoping he wouldn't be found out.
"Well I hope she does stay the night, it doesn't seem like she'd tire you out too much" Akito moved closer so his lips were a mere inch from Yuki's ear. "I've had an awful morning of meetings Yuki... bloody shareholders. It's left me so honry... like you wouldn't believe." He walked his fingers up Yuki's spine as he spoke. "You'll need your energy for tonight, my sweet." With the lightest of touches he bit Yuki's earlobe.
Then he was gone, with a dark-eyed smoldering glance. And Yuki was frozen. He felt so useless... so cowardly... so dirty... so cheap.
His thoughts were double-edged knives; try to consider them from a different angle and they hurt him just as much.
He turned to the counter. "I need a drink... for my client."
The bartender shook him head with a coy smile. "It's for my client!" Yuki protested, "She was just here, she's just gone outside."
The bartender hesitated a moment, "What's she drinking?" he finally asked. Yuki thought the bartender might know he preferred vodka...
"A gin, a double. With tonic water I think she said." The bartender hesitated a moment more then made the drink. Yuki felt the stirrings of relief in the jumble of painful thoughts. He snatched the glass with trembling hands and strode from the lounge. He drank the sweet mixture in one as soon as he was outside and tossed the glass away.
He joined Tohru and sat once more. She continued where they had been, with him repeatedly copying simple words in her notebook. He was no longer focused however, lacking in attention and enthusiasm. He made many mistakes and grew both sad and frustrated equally.
What was the point? What was the point in him learning these stupid words when Akito could click his fingers and send him running? It was all a wasted effort and he felt sorry for Tohru who seemed to believe some good could come of this.
Eventually, under the frustration of another mistake, he snapped.
"Look what's the point? I obviously can't get this one!"
She regarded him steadily, not in the least bit fazed.
"I don't think you're so focused anymore. But I think you'll manage to do it." She stood up, careful not to kick over her glass. "I'll leave the notebook and pens. Work on those words. I'll be back next week." She hesitated for the first time. "If... if you want me to?"
And in spite of himself, Yuki nodded. Oh he must be a selfish creature, to drag her back into this hell. He wanted her to come back. He didn't feel as filthy and broken with her, like she held together the cracks in him.
She left and Yuki ignored the notebook for several hours. He showered, then went to find Haru. He was talking with Momiji and Kagura in Momiji's bedroom but left with Yuki. They wandered aimlessly in the grounds and Haru regarded him suspiciously.
"So I went to meet you today, at the bench you know? And imagine my surprise when I found you there with a girl. Looks like you're cheating on me Yuki." His tone was mocking but his eyes were serious, and Yuki was good enough at reading people to know what was coming next.
"So... an afternoon client aye? It's been a while since I saw you with one of those... and to have her at the bench..." He waited but Yuki didn't provide the answer he sought. He would hold it as long as possible. Haru finally turned to him.
"That wasn't her was it? Tell me I'm crazy Yuki. That wasn't Tohru?" Yuki didn't answer, and that was all the answer Haru needed.
"You idiot Yuki! What the hell are you doing having her here?"
They argued and Yuki stormed off, shouting that Haru knew nothing about the situation. He was angry at his friend. And Haru was angry at him. Haru didn't understand... he had no right to interfere...
But Akito's words continued to crawl round his head...
...so honry... like you wouldn't believe. You'll need your energy for tonight, my sweet...
He went weakly back to Haru less than two hours later. Desperate, he begged for the numbness he needed. He fell to his knees by Haru's bed. "Please" he repeated. Haru pushed him roughly and he almost fell to the ground. "You can't keep this up Yuki."
But he got Yuki several whiskeys from the bar in the main lounge. Yuki drank them like a parched man drinks water, so grateful.
.
The effects of the alcohol had worn off by the early hours of the next morning. Yuki lay in Akito's bed, exhausted and sore. He was mentally drained. Thinking over the day, his thoughts struck suddenly upon the notebook. He detached himself carefully from the covers and padded to his small room. Careful to be silent he opened the door to his cabinet. His eyes glanced upon the weathered tin which contained his watch and teddy bear. He allowed his hand to rest for a moment on the cold metal before he withdrew the notebook and pens from the back of the cabinet.
He carefully opened the sliding doors and stepped into the night. He wandered barefoot across the grass, feeling the cold ground under his soles as the damp grass tickled his toes. Unsurprisingly he found himself at his bench. The moon was almost full and bright and he could see fairly well in the garden.
He flipped open the notebook, selected a pen... and paused.
He didn't think he could do this. Trying to remember what Tohru had taught him... it was all so jumbled... seemed so far away.. behind a thick veil of the vivid, painful memories of the past few hours.
Focus. Focus... He closed his eyes as he strained to remember. Don't think about it. Don't. Just remember the letters... the shapes they made, the sounds they made, how to put them together.
He opened his eyes and began to write.
.
Dawn came and passed before he realised it. Suddenly it was daytime and the world was coming to life around him. He looked down at the notebook with some surprise. He had written hundreds of words, repeated again and again until their form was perfect. He had done... well.
He hurried inside, praying Akito hadn't woken up. He saw with a start that the bed was empty but the sound of running water told him Akito was showering. He hid the notebook in his cabinet and placed himself in the chair by the window, attempting to look nonchalant. Inside he was triumphant. He thought of the words he had made... the words he would make... and a whole world seemed to open up before him.
He hadn't realised how trapped he had been by his lack of education. Now it hung like a beacon before him, ready to be grabbed. And he would grab it with both hands.
.
He thought of the words that week, focusing all his mental energy on them. In the early hours when sleep evaded him and he became inclined towards dark thoughts he would collect the notebook and write the words, and the alphabets, over an over. It focused him. It calmed him. It gave him purpose.
And he looked forward to more words. He looked forward to Tohru's return.
.
When she came the following Wednesday he intercepted her at the entrance to the building. He held two orange juices, had the notebook carefully clamped under his arm and the pens in his pocket. He quickly steered her to the bench, keen to avoid the lounge and Akito this week. He handed her the juices and flipped open the notebook before she had a chance to speak. He showed her the neat rows of words he had written. He had now learnt all the words she had introduced him to.
She was pleased and impressed and this made him content. He saw once again the little wrinkles which gathered at the corners of her eyes when she smiled. They were a masterpiece.
She had brought a very simple children's book, and they now read it together, Yuki staring intently at the words and trying to sound them out, Tohru guiding him when he became stuck. They wrote down the words he didn't know and he returned to them later. Words such as "read" confused him and he kept pronouncing it "ree-add". Slowly, his understanding deepened. It was a very long process, but with each sentence he could read and understand Yuki felt a thrill of triumph. He could never have imagined this.
That week it was Tohru who experienced being a helpless spectator.
The rain started slowly, plopping down on their legs and smudging Yuki's careful writing. Tohru saw how he tried to shield his work, then turned his worried gaze on her. Maybe he saw how she shivered in the brisk wind for suddenly he gathered up the things, gently took her by the hand and led her inside. His hand was warm in her's and she felt... safe.
He shook the rain from his hair when they reached the lounge, just as the puppies she worked with did. He reminded her of them sometimes, with his anxious desire for his approval. She had tried to show him he didn't need her approval. She would be there for him anyway. He deposited their materials on a table in the corner of the lounge and guided her to a seat.
"Do you like coffee?" he asked, looking anxious. She nodded, she drank a lot of coffee when studying at college.
"Would you mind waiting here for a minute?" he asked. She said she wouldn't and smiled at him, trying to reassure and he left after a moment.
She could see how anxious he was to be here, his eyes ghosted around the empty lounge and he cast many furtive glances at the bartender and the boy who lurked in the corner. Was his name Hiro? Tohru wondered if Yuki wanted an alcoholic drink. She didn't offer; he could, and she was sure he did, drink as much as he wanted in the evenings, but she wanted to dissuade him from drinking throughout the day.
When he returned, carefully carrying two coffees, he smiled at the sight of her. His smile really was the best thing about him. His genuine smiles, when they came, were childlike, unabashed, pure and warm. He didn't smile a lot however. Tohru sensed it wasn't something he was used to, but when he did it was like a rainbow in the midst of a storm.
They chatted casually, ignoring Yuki's studying for the moment. She saw him watching the rain streaking mockingly down the windows and knew he wanted to be outside, away from the lounge where he had met that frightening, handsome man the previous week. Akito.
As the talked Tohru observed a well-dressed elegant woman enter the lounge. She was middle-aged, with her graying blonde hair twisted into an elaborate knot on her head. She wore a long dress of teal in some sort of shimmering material. The jewels glistening on her hands told Tohru she was wealthy. She strode to the bar and Tohru turned her attention back to Yuki. He was talking about a word he had seen on a client's business card and managed to read. She was impressed with the effort he had put into practicing the past week.
Then the woman turned and struck through their conversation like lightening.
"Yuki!" she trilled. Yuki flinched, breaking of in the middle of a sentence. He stood immediately, and the Yuki Tohru knew was gone.
His eyelids were lowered, his smirk sardonic. When he walked gracefully towards the woman there was a sensual roll to his walk which Tohru had never noticed.
"Madam Rossa" he purred, and his voice was different, lower, smoother, inviting. He sounded like Akito.
Tohru could only watch as Yuki reached her and lent invitingly against a couch, his head tilted to the side. She held her warm mug of coffee tightly, like a lifeline. The woman... Madam Rossa... reached out a heavily jeweled hand and traced a long nail round the curve of Yuki's jaw.
"My sweet it's been too long." Tohru heard her murmur.
"Hasn't it just my lady?" Tohru could see the way Yuki mirrored her actions, her cadence, her thinking. She realised he was assuming the persona the woman wanted him to have, a blank slate to the clients' desires, as he had said. She felt uncomfortable.
"I'm just here for something sweet to take to a meeting with your charming boss. He's trying to swindle me out of my money Yuki." This confession, muttered quietly like a secret between friends made Yuki shake his head in apparent sympathy or displeasure.
"What are you doing my sweet?"
Yuki gestured vaguely and disdainfully towards the corner where Tohru sat. "Just entertaining an afternoon client."
Madam Rossa spared a glance for her and Tohru felt herself blushing. She quickly averted her eyes for she had been staring. There was an uncomfortable flush crawling up her neck. The cold tone of Yuki's voice was like a slap. Just entertaining an afternoon client. She didn't know why a lump rose in her throat, why her eyes watered pitifully. She was being stupid. This was his job, his life. She had known this and it hadn't bothered her, it didn't bother her... but why then did she feel so... bothered?
Madam Rossa was speaking but Tohru wasn't focused enough to hear it.
"Well I'll come see you again soon my sweet. It really has been too long."
"The pleasure is mine, my lady."
Tohru heard this exchange as though from a great distance, the words seemed to have to fight through a thick fog to reach her mind. The woman left and Yuki remained where he was for a moment. Then he turned and walked slowly back to Tohru. Yuki was back, sardonic smirk replaced by a gentle smile, alluring eyes now wide and childlike. He sat and there was silence for a moment. Tohru prayed the moisture pooling in her eyes would not spill over.
"Sorry," he said after a moment. "I'm sorry."
"Of course," she replied, "No problem." But her voice was strained and she didn't even convince herself. What was wrong with her? Why was this so upsetting?
They began to look at the book once more, taking note of difficult words. Neither of them was focused however. Tohru saw how tired Yuki looked, like he had aged ten years in the last hour. She was distracted and unfocused.
Just entertaining an afternoon client.
Maybe she was being immature. Stupid. But she couldn't shake the uncomfortable feeling.
They weren't making progress so Tohru called an end to their practice soon. Yuki looked concerned and kept apologising. Torhu left the children's book they had been reading as well as another they hadn't looked at yet. She said goodbye shakily, avoiding eye-contact. She saw herself out, leaving Yuki sitting in the corner surrounded by children's books, pens and the notebook. The now-cold coffee still sat in their cups.
Tohru walked briskly from the Estate, ignoring the rain which streamed down her face. She was upset and confused for the whole walk home, and was angry at herself for feeling this way. She was being immature to behave like this. She felt a pang of guilt as she saw Yuki sitting in the corner by himself, pen eagerly poised as she left him.
When she reached the front door she stopped suddenly. She knew what was gnawing at her. It wasn't that Yuki had clients, that he had to have sex each night, that he had lied about their relationship to the client. These things weren't causing the thickness in her throat and pounding in her chest.
It was the ease with which he switched. In an instant Yuki had shed the elements of himself unsuitable to the situation, like an animal shedding its skin. And then he had dawned the cloak of this new persona in a second, wrapping himself up in the character who exuded sensuality and debauchery. And it came so naturally to him, so effortlessly.
Tohru had admired many elements of Yuki since she had first met him several months before. And now she worried... what was the real Yuki? How could she know the Yuki he presented to her was the real Yuki? He could read people and see what they wanted him to be. Was she just another client? If he spent some time with her being this Yuki, and some time with Madam Rossa being another Yuki what was the difference? He spent every night with a different person, being a different shade of himself.
Why did this upset her so much?
She was just teaching him to read, that was all. He was just someone she felt sorry for, someone she wanted to help. That was all. There was nothing more. There could be nothing more...
She thought of the warmth of his hand in hers. Thought of his excitement at learning words. Thought of him meeting the dogs she walked.
She thought of the smile she loved so much, the genuine child-like unabashed one, which lit up his whole face. And she thought of the sardonic smirk Madam Rossa preferred.
She felt foolish. There was no reason she should feel this way. This upset, this hurt, this... jealous.
She let herself into the house and closed the door behind her before the tears began to fall.
.
Yuki paced the grounds that night, unable to sleep or settle.
Tohru had left early. She seemed upset and angry. Her words were cold and distant. She didn't meet his eyes.
He thought of their abandoned coffees.
He didn't understand what had happened.
He had spoken to Madam Rossa and Tohru had become distant. He had apologised but he hadn't known what exactly to apologise for. He knew it wasn't enough. Knew it couldn't really ever be enough.
He felt tired and dirty and guilty. The tremble in her voice, the flush in her cheeks, the disappointment in her eyes, all this was his fault. He was a cruel, selfish man.
He had put the reading materials carefully away and thought no more of them that evening. He wanted her to return, but not so that she could teach him... just so she could be with him.
If there was a God Yuki was sure he would want to protect Tohru from him, but all the same he prayed that she would come again. He had an uncomfortable feeling that she wouldn't come next week... but she had to.
He wanted her to come. He needed her to. He needed her.
He thought of her warmth and her smile. Her laugh. Her kindness... teaching him to read... the freedom she was giving him. The wrinkles at the corners of her eyes. Her freckles.
He needed her.
I wanted to say that I was inspired to make Yuki illiterate in this story after recently reading Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave, specifically about pp.78-87. Anyway if you have some time I recommend reading it as it's important, well-written, short, and free online as it's out of copyright.
Anyway... thank you everyone who has read, reviewed, favourited and followed this story :)