Purposefulness. Empty. Dark.
And so Yuki's life went for quite some time. And perhaps it could have continued. If anything it was a peaceful way to fall apart. The numbness was comforting and Yuki could muster no desire to leave it.
Until the day everything fell apart.
.
A day like any other. Conversing with clients. Akito's tender touches and glances. Yuki knew Akito couldn't bare to tell anyone the truth; of his pain, his rejection... so he didn't. He was God here and he could display any performance he wished. And he wished everyone to believe Yuki loved him. And so they did. Yet the truth of it shredded his insides like razors. Unfortunately for Yuki he had been wondering in this mist for so long that this no longer afforded him the same satisfaction it once had. There was merely a grain left of who he had once been. One grain on a tired, withering beach.
And only some words reached Yuki in this state. Truly reached him. Most flitted gently by, just gracing his consciousness enough for him to respond adequately. This way they didn't reach deep enough to hurt. It was, in some ways, a state of defense.
But some words did reach him. And unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your opinion, on this ordinary day the words reached Yuki with perfect ringing clarity.
"...I'm getting a new gutter rat..."
The words penetrated, and they resonated there a moment, seeming to vibrate in his mind's eye as he struggled to comprehend but desperately wished not to. When the dreaded meaning had forced its crafty way past his barriers, Yuki blinked once. He was surprised, for the first time in many weeks.
I'm getting a new gutter rat... I'm getting a new gutter rat... I'm getting a new gutter rat...
Yuki turned slowly to the source of the voice, feeling as though he were rusty and stiff from lack of use. His weary, confused eyes found Akito's face. Akito, who knew Yuki so well, stared at the boy. This expression... it was genuine interest, the likes of which he hadn't seen in weeks. He had tried many, countless ways over the past few months of shocking the boy back into life. There had been pain, pleasure, cruelty... but Akito had not expected a reaction today, not to this. How interesting. He smiled sweetly.
"A new... gutter rat?" Yuki asked, and Akito was darkly thrilled to see the Yuki he had once been, flickering in snatches beneath the surface.
"Oh yes my sweet, very soon. I have organised everything." He paused.
Yuki's eyes were moving strangely, darting about, but very slowly. He was struggling.
Akito continued, "It was getting a little quiet around here, what with you being my exclusive partner now and Kyo having left us. And the elders will, most sadly I am sure you will agree, be completing their contracts soon. So I thought some new delights were in order."
Yuki's hands were running fervidly through his hair. He glanced hurriedly at Akito and there was genuine feeling in his eyes.
This was delightful. Akito was now thoroughly enjoying himself. Yuki had been so stubbornly passive and unresponsive for months. The only time he displayed emotion or fear was when he was desperately choking in the night, and Akito had no time for weakness such as that. But now this... The colour rose in Akito's cheeks with the thrill. So much power. It was almost orgasmic. One little nudge and Yuki would be gone. And Akito had waited so long for some reaction from him. Yuki was now holding his temples, as though this could help him. One little nudge...
Akito paused for a moment, basking in the perfect silence. Then he spoke, his voice dripping like poisoned honey.
"She's very young. A sweet little thing, terribly innocent..."
And in that instant everything broke.
The delicate structures which had been barely holding Yuki together collapsed inwards on themselves, shattering irreparably like crystal. The barriers which had seemed so strong now wrenched themselves loose from their roots and dissolved into dust. And in their absence the pain, the memories, the guilt, all coursed in, coating everything like oil. It was a difficult experience and Yuki shook visibly from the force of it. He staggered slightly against Akito's bed as his head swam. Akito looked on with cruel interest.
And Yuki knew it was over, all over.
He was back, and the pain was pounding on his consciousness and the guilt was coursing through him like acid and the memories weighed him down immeasurably. He was back, and he could feel again. And he so desperately wished that he couldn't.
But... life wasn't easy. It wasn't free or pleasant. At least his wasn't.
And he accepted in an instant when he must do. Fighting against the spinning in his head and the nausea in his stomach, Yuki understood. As he gasped under the onslaught of memories, Yuki saw clearly, abstractly. As though he were removed from the situation and assessing from a distant place, he resolved.
He had lived a live of debauchery and sin in this world of dark decadence... not that he had wanted it, not that he had ever wanted it. But it was so. And this life, and Akito... it had destroyed him. His mind was mutilated. His soul was rotted. Even his body was failing.
This world had destroyed him, stained and spoiled him for any decent purpose now. But he could ensure no-one else was destroyed.
She's very young. A sweet little thing, terribly innocent... She's very young. A sweet little thing, terribly innocent...
There was never really a decision, only an acceptance, a recognition of what he had always known.
It was over. But before he obliterated this last ounce of goodness left in him he must gather all that he was, and all that he had been. He must hold himself together for one more night, against all the pain and bitterness, the anger and guilt. And especially the memories, which now seeped like poison gas through his thoughts, mocking him cruelly.
It was the final act. And he must be sublime.
It was all over.
Everything was so clear. So still for just a moment. And now he had to act quickly. Instantaneously. There was no time for hesitation.
Yuki was an amazing actor. He could make people believe anything he wanted. And now… it would be his final act. And it must be flawless.
"A new gutter rat?" he asked again.
Akito was watching him intently, smiling tightly and with much satisfaction.
"Yes my dear. How does that make you feel?" Akito's delicate eyebrows rose tauntingly.
"Why… why would you need another?" Yuki worked hard to keep his voice wavering, fragile. "Do you not… do you not want me… anymore?" A well timed crack in his voice. And now Yuki looked Akito directly in the eye, in a strange, unguarded way which he hadn't really done in months.
It felt like stripping himself bare. Soon, very soon, there would be nothing left.
But it seemed to be working. Akito's eyes sparked with malice and delight.
"My dear Yuki… are you possibly jealous?"
Yuki didn't answer but he allowed his face to colour, which was essentially the same. He gnawed his lower lip as though he were struggling.
Akito laughed and it was harsh and bitter. "After all those cruel things you said to me Yuki? Why should you care if I were to replace you?"
Yuki allowed himself to flinch when Akito said this. He swallowed.
"I didn't… I didn't think you would… get another. I still thought… still thought… I would be there, always."
Akito was attempting to hide it, but Yuki could tell he was delighted.
"You disrespected me Yuki. The way you spoke to me was disgusting. Maybe you deserve this pain." Akito said this, but Yuki knew the bait was working perfectly. Just a twitch there and a tweak there and the fish would bite. It was remarkable how clear it all was to Yuki now, now that it was all falling apart.
"You'll still keep me, won't you?" Yuki's eyes were wide and pleading, "Please," he whimpered, "please…"
"Yuki this is such a fascinating turn of events," Akito remarked, his voice suave despite the high colour in his neck and cheeks. "You are just a gutter rat to me Yuki. Just a whore. Just a body. Why should I take particular attention to keep you around? This new rat may be just as beautiful as you, just as talented and fuckable. Perhaps I will invite her to share my bed. And perhaps she wouldn't betray me like some common slut. And then what would happen to you Yuki? Would you be abandoned again? I suppose then… no-one would love you…" He finished with a sweet smile.
The words strangely genuinely hurt Yuki, and he felt some part deep within him recoil under the blows of them. But he was also grimly satisfied. He had known Akito wouldn't be able to resist being cruel.
He sank to his knees on the floor by Akito's bed and gazed imploringly up. A single tear wound its ungraceful way down his cheek.
"Please don't say that Akio, please don't do that. Please… don't leave me." He finished in a desperate whisper which seemed to resonate in the air for a long moment.
"Oh my sweet, stupid, filthy rat. You really don't think things through do you? Do you even think at all? You had it all, you had me. And you destroyed it. You ruin everything, don't you…? You are dirty and nasty and you spoil anything good."
Yuki remained on the floor, trembling slightly. "Please…" he whispered again.
"But why should I keep you around Yuki? Hmm? What do you have to offer me? Convince me of your worth."
And Yuki knew exactly what he wanted. He knew exactly what he had to offer Akito because it was all that he had… all that he was.
He rose unsteadily, but with a deep smoldering determination.
"Please, wait one moment… master." He hadn't voluntarily called Akito master in some months and he could tell the effect it had on Akito was strong. Akito licked his lips and nodded once, signalling to Yuki that he would wait. Yuki went into the bathroom quickly, stumbling slightly. He could no longer tell if this was part of the act.
As soon as the door closed behind him he took deep, shaking breaths, stabilising himself against the cold counter.
This was it then.
Yuki splashed cold water on his face. He carefully patted it dry. He didn't look at himself it the mirror.
He opened the top three buttons of his shirt, leaving a large triangle of milky skin visible. He applied some cologne, Akito's favourite, on his wrists and collar bone. Almost as second nature he opened the top drawer under the counter and drew out his small make up bag. Quickly but carefully he made himself up. Foundation to make his skin flawless. Rouge to make his cheeks rosy and innocent. And most importantly, eyeliner. He expertly applied it. Then he looked in the mirror. He tousled his hair casually.
Perfect. Just as Akito liked. He was the perfect painted whore. How fitting it should end this way.
He opened the door a small chink.
"Please master," he called, "Would you close your eyes just a moment?" His voice was slightly coarse from his burst of emotion earlier, but that was good. Akito liked that.
"Of course my dear," came the reply from Akito, and Yuki noted the catch in his words. He was in anticipation. And so he should be.
Yuki glided into the room. He glanced at Akito, whose eyes were indeed closed. Yuki went to the dresser and selected a pair of black shorts. He quickly removed his trousers and pulled the shorts on. Akito liked shorts and these were similar to those he had worn as a boy. Yuki knew that would be a bonus. He pulled his socks off and hid them and his jeans in the corner. He went to another drawer of the dresser and pulled put a long purple tie. He tied it expertly, leaving it to hang a little loose over the exposed expanse of his chest. How cruelly ironic that he had never been to school yet had been taught to tie a school tie perfectly. Yuki padded to look in the full-length gilded mirror.
Perfect. It was everything Akito wanted. He looked young yet sinful. A schoolboy but a tempter.
He went to Akito's drinks cabinet and took out a crystal bottle of expensive whiskey. Two crystal glasses followed. Yuki poured bottled water for himself and a whiskey for Akito, one ice cube, two stirring straws, three inches of chilled water. He knew exactly how he liked it.
He opened a discrete compartment in the drinks cabinet and took out a small silver box. He opened it slowly, feeling nervous. He carefully selected two small white pills from the box. He returned the box and set the crystal bottle, the two glasses and the two pills down on the small table.
Then he sat in one of the two seats, reclining gracefully back and crossing his legs elegantly so that attention would be drawn to his long, thin legs. He tousled his hair once more.
"Ok master, I am ready. Thank you for your patience."
"I should think so,"Akito snapped shortly, "I was getting impat-" he stopped short when he turned and saw Yuki. At that moment Yuki was fingering his tie and biting his lower lip sinfully. He looked up at Akito through lidded eyes which promised wicked things.
Akito rose slowly and took an involuntary step towards him. Yuki noticed how he swallowed thickly.
Yuki tilted his head to the side. "Let me convince you, master."
I'm really sorry this chapter has taken so long! Thank you for sticking with it and reading :)