They sat at the table, the moves and counter-moves were ruthless and bold. Yuki couldn't afford to be otherwise. He must be perfect.

Akito swilled the amber whisky in his glass. The colour was warm, kind on the eye, and Yuki thought of the satisfying warmth it would birth within Akito. A warm drink for a cold man. The two pills lay there still, ignored but certainly not forgotten.

Some part of Yuki had wanted to avoid them, knowing both how vile their effects could be and also somehow feeling he was... cheating. It was a strange feeling, an uncomfortable creeping sensation, yet he felt it was somehow wrong of him. As though it was even possible for him to have right and wrong anymore. All boundaries were merged now and his world was morally grey, caught in a void. It had been grey for many, many years now. So he ignored this feeling, as he had ignored so many others in his life.

"Do you believe I am a fool, Yuki?" Akito's voice was sharp, yet somehow softened by the whiskey.

For a heartbeat Yuki panicked, but then he calmed himself. He was the best actor. The best whore. He could do this. He allowed false panic to show on his face however.

"No master, I couldn't- I wouldn't...please."

Akito helped himself to a generous serving of whiskey and reclined back in the armchair, surveying Yuki over the top of his glass.

"You had everything. But then... those things you said to me... those wicked, blasphemous words. You were so disrespectful to me Yuki, so disgusting. To I who have done so much for you. I have raised you as a father, grown with you as a brother, cared for you as a friend, held you as a lover- respected you as a partner. As a fucking partner Yuki! I tried to do so much for you and like the scum you are you turned your back on it! On me!"

The glass was thrown and it shattered against the wall. Yuki flinched at the sound. Akito was breathing heavily and looked lethal, like an animal hunting.

Yuki rose slowly, as though in a daze and moved jerkily to the drinks cabinet. Was the tremor in his hands and legs an act? Was it real?

He got Akito another glass with its ice and straws and poured him another drink, trying to ignore the clinking as the bottle shuddered against the glass in his weak and unsteady grasp.

"This is a very impressive presentation Yuki," Akito snarled, "But perhaps you forget who I am. I know business. I am business. And I know about a good act."

Yuki blanched, but he had come too far into this darkness now, and without a way out he may as well thrown himself into its very depths. He allowed a flicker of what he truly felt to show on his face, against all instincts. He was sure he looked wretched as he gazed up at Akito.

"This is not an act." He tried to measure his tone, to be earnest without overdoing it.

Akito took a long drink off his new drink, looking bitter and terse. Yuki had to convince him. To really convince him. He ran a hand through his hair, as though in distress, though he knew perfectly the disheveled effect this would produce and the pleasure Akito took in this. He had been performing for years. Akito took another small sip, staring intently.

He exhaled shakily "Those things I said... I really thought I meant them. They honestly seemed like my truth. And... I'm so ashamed now." His voice wavered and cracked pitifully.

Akito continued to stare mercilessly, waiting. He lowered his glass with a clink and now fingered the white pills idly.

"I thought I loved Tohru. I thought- thought that I hated you. I honestly did. I was so confused. And it hurt so much. And then... I found out I was dying. That was true, and I was scared and confused. And I left her. And I came back home. And then-" Yuki swallowed thickly, as though struggling to speak, "-then I rejected you too."

Yuki broke off, breathing heavily and shakily. Aktio was glaring with an ominous level of intensity.

"I rejected you, I rejected everyone... because I didn't want to be rejected. When I was dying...when I became weak and ugly... I couldn't bear- couldn't bear if you left me. I really couldn't take that. It would... would really destroy me." He looked Akito full in the face now, and his eyes watered automatically. He knew his eyeliner would be smudging well. Some clients really liked that broken look. Akito was one of them. He seemed surprised.

"Please. Please don't leave me."

Yuki surprised himself because the sob which escaped from his throat was genuine. As was the tremble in his hands. It was confusing. A tear traced its way down his flushed cheek.

Akito looked less angry now, more contemplative. He raised his glass to take another drink but lowered it slowly. He was on the verge. And everything hung in the balance.

"My father, my mother... my brother. All the others and the clients come and go. But you've been there always. Please be there always. Please don't replace me. Don't ever say that." And Yuki was genuinely crying now, and it was so raw and painful and surprising. This unexpected hurt and fear forced its way out and he hadn't known it had even been lurking within but the tears were real and the pain was strong.

"Don't reject me," he sobbed, "I need you!"

And Akito seemed to finally be decided.

He tried to act suave but he was clearly a little shaken. "Well of course you feel that way Yuki, I made you. I have done so much for you. Would it not be terribly ungrateful not to appreciate that?"

He waited but Yuki seemed unable to answer.

"You were an awful creature Yuki, to try to hurt me so when I have done so much for you."

Yuki nodded miserably. He felt wretched. "I'm so sorry" he managed.

"But I think I understand. You are weak Yuki, weaker than even I realised. I have seen your weakness in many ways; in your childish tears, in your pathetic alcohol dependency, in your obstinate disobedience... but I didn't imagine such a weakness of your mind. That because you are so unwanted you would fear rejection, and attempt to hurt even me."

Yuki didn't know what obstinate meant but he ignored this. It wasn't important. What was important was that Akito's voice was softening and his eyes had once again begun to trace Yuki's thin legs.

"You are foolish Yuki, foolish and stupid. And you have acted with disrespect and cruelty. It will not end now. You will be punished. You must be. That is how the world operates; there must be justice. But... you are mine Yuki. The others are mere gutter rats but you are a diamond. And you belong to me. I will not leave you."

Yuki felt so ridiculously grateful that tears brimmed in his eyes. He was ashamed and humiliated. Why should that mean anything to him? It should mean nothing. But it meant everything. He blushed, angry at himself. He was truly weak. But it was so good, so safe and comforting to hear those words. And he wasn't acting now.

He nodded weakly in response, blinking tears away, and Akito smiled sweetly. He finished his drink and stared at Yuki. And Yuki knew what that meant. The alcohol was nudging things along and Akito, who despised emotional outbursts, was looking for a way to vent his feelings. And Yuki sat before him looking utterly exhausted and wrecked, in schoolboy shorts. Akito tilted his head to the side slightly and Yuki, understanding somehow, nodded and smiled.

And it was strange, utterly bizarre... but it felt like he was being asked for consent. The tremor in his hands was real.

He moved elegantly to pour Akito another glass of whiskey. He didn't mention the pills or make any reference to them but he knew now that Akito had seen them and considered using them they would be used. He placed the newly-filled glass on the table and Akito grabbed his waist as he passed, pulling him onto his lap. For a moment Yuki panicked; he wasn't quite used to being manhandled since he stopped working with the clients and the sudden touch made him tense. He quickly relaxed into Akito's touch however.

Akito smoothly sipped his drink. "My Yuki," he murmured, "Won't you have a drink with me?"

Something tightened in Yuki, a spring ready to release along the whole length of his spine. It was tempting. So tempting. He could see the faint fogginess of Akito's eyes, only inches away, and he wanted that. He wanted the softness, the cushioning, the numbness. He wanted the escape. But he couldn't. For this to work he had to be focused. And if he had one drop of that beautiful, warm, comforting... No, not one drop, or that would be the end.

"I'd better not master. I'm... well I'm weak. I don't think I can handle it." This admission was so bare and truthful that it almost hurt to give it away. Akito nodded in assent though.

"It is true my dear, you are terribly weak. I suppose alcohol is stronger than you. You were very messy on it. Quite an ugly addiction my sweet."

Yuki nodded. He was trying not to think of it, of that time where he struggled through his days one drink at a time. And that time in solitary... the shaking and sweating, the sickness and headaches, the hallucinations and nightmares... Never again.

The smell of the whiskey was so close though, and so welcoming. It seemed to move in waves towards him off Akito's breath and the rapidly emptying glass.

He turned his head and buried it in Akito's chest. And it felt so... safe. Akito put his glass down so he could cup a hand round Yuki's head and it felt like... it felt like being chosen.

And Yuki wavered. In that moment he felt safe and wanted. And in Yuki's life that was not a common feeling. But it was so good. And he almost thought, this is what I want, let's end it here. He almost forgot about the others. It would have been so easy just to continue... and so selfish. He thought of the new one, the little girl whose life would be ruined, destroyed, mutilated. And he knew he couldn't rest. He couldn't have peace. Not as long as there was something he could do.

"It must be awfully difficult my sweet," said Akito, who seemed touched by Yuki's unusual neediness, "To be so weak to something. It it hard to be close to it pet?"

Yuki could only murmur pitifully but Akito seemed to understand. He shook his head almost sympathetically and stroked Yuki's hair. "Let us forget that then, little one." Akito replaced his glass on the table behind Yuki. He gripped the back of Yuki's neck gently and pulled him close for a kiss. It soon deepened and became more desperate and charged. Yuki was left strangely out of breath when they parted and it looked like Akito was too. He was smiling at Yuki and there was both tenderness and hunger in his eyes.

He reached behind Yuki once more and grabbed the two white pills. "A celebration my dear. You will join me for this, I hope?"

Yuki nodded obediently. Akito dropped one pill into Yuki's shaking palm. "Plenty more for later my sweet. Enough to entertain us forever, for the rest of our time together."

It was strange Yuki thought later, the way Akito's voice had hitched slightly, and it struck him perversely that Akito was possibly affected by the possibility of his approaching death.

Akito let their foreheads rest together for a moment, just a heartbeat, then, withdrawing with a smile he held the pill up to his leering lips. "To celebrating" he declared, swallowing it instantly without the slightest shudder.

Yuki mimicked his action, raising the pill to his wet lips. He then skillfully dropped it down between two fingers, hidden within his hand. He faked a small grimace as though he were swallowing.

It was dangerously tempting to take it. It would be simple, easy. And then he would be flying and free. Everything would be lighter and easier. The pain would be gone and nothing would matter. But... he couldn't. He didn't have a particular weakness for these drugs, they didn't call to him as his liquid lover did, but still he knew he would fail if he succumbed to their temptation.

So he resisted, barely. Instead he smiled dearly at Aktio. He crafted a scene of relief and gratitude on his face and Akito seemed pleased. He kissed Yuki forcefully once more. In the frantic movement of limbs Yuki carefully dropped the pill into the pocket of his shorts. He would be doing this completely dry then. He felt sick with something like nerves but quickly smothered it.

Akito carried his frail form over to the bed. There were slow kisses which tasted of lies and frantic undressing which felt like lust. Yuki was plaint; the perfect balance between active and passive participant. He led enough to show his relief and interest but remained submissive to Akito's will.

.

After some time Yuki broke apart from Akito. They were beginning to sweat and Yuki's bare chest was coated in a thin layer of perspiration.

"I feel a bit down still, I think I need more. Can we... have more?" He looked hopefully up at Akito and for a brief moment felt just as innocent as the act he was portraying.

Akito looked annoyed. "After all those tedious years of careful training it seems you are still not a consistent actor Yuki." Yuki blinked rather stupidly and Akito sighed exasperatedly. "You were the naughty school boy just a moment ago, were you not? Why must you ask me for pills? Take them for yourself, lead me astray, force them down my throat! You are the sinner and the seductress in this scene."

Yuki nodded sheepishly and rose unsteadily. Akito was right of course, and he ought to have performed better. He tugged self-consciously at the school tie he still wore across his bare chest. He selected another two pills from the small box and poured Akito a decent glass of whiskey. The large crystal bottle was almost empty now.

When he turned back to the bed he was Yuki the actor again, in the midst of a perfect performance.

He bit his lip as though nervous. "Oh Sir, I wish you wouldn't stare at me so. I'm a good boy and it makes me blush." Yuki could see how well this act was working on Akito who leered, flushed, from the bed. "I have a surprise for you Sir. But you have to close your eyes first." Yuki sauntered closer with his eyes lidded, dripping sin from every pore. Akito closed his eyes obediently and too eagerly.

Yuki dropped one of the pills into the whiskey and stirred carefully until it fizzed and dissolved. He stopped just in front of Akito and forced one pill onto Akito's tongue. He cautiously poured some whiskey concoction into his mouth and Akito swallowed carefully and dutifully. Yuki placed the glass on the bedside cabinet where he was sure Akito would help himself to it.

He moved right beside Akito on the bed and quickly untied the tie.

"You see the problem is Sir... I can't tie my tie. But I really want to go to school. If only there was a strong man here who could help me..." He pressed close to Akito and Yuki saw when he opened his eyes that they were becoming soft and unfocused. Akito offered to assist of course, and there was considerable fooling around.

Yuki was working hard, so hard he was mentally drained. And doing it all completely sober. It was just so very difficult to pretend to be so aroused by someone he despised, even with years of experience.

As the night darkened to an endless black Yuki noticed that Akito's movements were becoming less coordinated. He was unbalanced, his hands were unsteady and rough and his eyes were blurry. The drugs were clearly having a strong effect and he looked like he was having a great time. Lucky bastard, Yuki thought bitterly. What he wouldn't give to escape this moment...

But there would be no escape. Perhaps this was always meant to be; if it wasn't then why had he seemed to reawaken at the mention of a new gutter rat? And his body was failing, getting weaker with every passing day. He had nothing to lose for he had lost everything already. But there was much to gain.

.

The time had passed sporadically, sometimes fast and frantic and others slow and sensual. Yuki saw when the time was right as clearly as if a spark had shown him. Akito had just finished his glass of whiskey. He lay naked on the bed, smiling dreamily to himself. He looked content and Yuki would remember this brief moment, this lull of peace, for the rest of his life.

He approached Akito, slipping the tie from around his neck. He caught sight of himself in the mirror and was so ashamed with himself and so disgusted by what he was about to do that he almost turned back. Almost, but not quite. What was right and wrong anymore anyway? And what more damage could he do to his tarnished soul. He was already dammed.

He pouted childishly as he reached Akito. "I want you to be the pupil now, master. I'm not very good at it... you'd be much better." Akito seemed bemused as Yuki crawled over to him. He unsteadily tried to rise off his back but Yuki gently pushed him back. He wove the tie around Akito's slender neck, much like a serpent. Yuki began adjusting the tie though it seemed much harder than normal. He tried to convince himself this was merely because he was attempting it on someone else, rather than the severe shaking of his hands.

Akito giggled to himself and pointed to nothing in particular on the ceiling of the room, seemingly awestruck. What a disadvantage he was at, Yuki thought miserably. It really wasn't fair... could he really...

He paused and every atom of his body seemed to still in indecision. Could he really do this?

In the brief pause Akito once again looked to Yuki. "Mmm... You're so beautiful," he murmured airily, "Really special... And you're all mine. You're mine forever Yuki."

In the time it took Yuki to blink he had decided. It must happen. He must do it. Now!

He pulled the tie tight around Akito's neck, one hand dragging one way, the other the opposite. They forced the knotted band tight about Akito's throat in seconds.

At first it seemed he didn't even notice. He merely gazed up at Yuki.

Then when he did seem to realise what was happening there was no alarm in his expression. They had experimented with breathplay before, though Yuki was usually the recipient.

Yuki wondered wildly if he was even strong enough physically to do this, let alone mentally.

It took less than a minute for Akito to begin to panic, and when he did he struggled with great strength. Yuki saw fear and anger blurred in the blazing eyes before him. Actually he was almost instinctively scared enough to stop. When Akito began struggling there was alarming strength in his movements. Yuki hadn't anticipated the drugs giving him a boost of energy and this new volatility worked heavily against Yuki. As he desperately pulled the ends of the tie Yuki knew with a horrible sinking feeling that the tie wouldn't be enough.

In an instant he sacrificed his hold on it and plunged his hands straight down onto Akito's throat.

He almost retched. Feeling everything beneath the clammy skin working frantically to fight him off... it was horrible. Truly diabolical.

But he held on desperately. He pushed resolutely, forcing his whole energy and weight upon Akito.

It nearly wasn't enough.

Akito's anger was almighty. His limbs flailed wildly and caught Yuki painfully a few times.

Yuki felt the throat beneath his sweaty palms contract desperately and he knew he was a monster. And he knew this man had made him a monster. And he struggled with renewed vigor.

It seemed to last a lifetime. A ghastly, tortuous lifetime.

But finally Akito's struggling slowed and softened. And Yuki thought maybe, just maybe...

... this could all be over...

... this monster would be gone...

And he didn't know what made him do it. He would never know why. He would later suppose it didn't matter enough to concern himself with, but that didn't stop it haunting him.

Against the backdrop of struggled breaths he leant forward and whispered something.

"I love you."

And it was the strangest thing. Akito's entire body slackened. And the most bizarre little smile formed on his ghastly face. It was... almost peaceful.

Then he was still.

.

Yuki didn't realise. He didn't register what had really happened, or what this meant, for a long moment. When he did everything was still. The whole world was still for that moment. Yuki was still and Akito was still.

Yuki moved away desperately, almost falling off the bed. He looked down at the motionless, sleep-like form, and was instantly sick.

The vomit trickled down his chin pitifully. He took another step back. He couldn't take his eyes off the motionless figure on the bed. His body tried to retch again but there was nothing more to produce, he hadn't eaten enough. He retched on nothing then, gasping desperately on mere air. This made him think of Akito gasping for air and he fell to his knees, dry-retching anew.

When his body had finally calmed he discovered himself lying shaking on the plush carpet. He was naked and there was vomit on and around him... but that didn't matter. That really didn't matter.

What... had he done? How had he? How could he...?

Yuki didn't know how long he lay there struggling, whilst his insides churned with nausea and guilt and his mind screamed at him.

Monster... Monster MONSTER MONSTER!

Then he took a deep breath and calmed himself.

He knew this would happen. Had known this would be what he experienced, how he felt... if he did what he had to do. And he had already accepted that. It wasn't for him that he had done it.

And this thought seemed to settle the unrest within him.

He had done it now. Had done all that he could do. And had given everything. There was now nothing left for him.

And that was fine.

He had destroyed Akito. And destroyed his soul.

And this thought gave him the most unnerving sense of peace.

He rose from the floor and couldn't help himself from staring at the thing on the bed. It was horribly still. The face was ghastly unnatural colour. The tie lay around his neck still, a burst of colour on this wan scene.

And Yuki knew it was bad, knew it was so bad, because he stumbled immediately to the drinks cabinet. Ignoring the almost finished bottle of whiskey on the table he pulled forth a new and expensive bottle of his beloved vodka.

There was no hesitation in his movements. Nothing screamed at him not to do this. He just needed it. He needed it so desperately.

He sank to the floor in one of the corners, as far away from Akito as possible. But he didn't leave the room; he didn't have the right to escape from this scene. He began coughing violently, until a pool of phlegm was spluttered onto the carpet around him. It didn't seem to matter. He felt so tired, and so weak.

He opened the bottle carefully and raised it determinedly to his lips.

Then he took a long, long drink.

It was perfect and blissful, and awful.

It was giving up.

And it was all Yuki had left.

He sat in that awful room, that room of sin and lies and death and murder and every rotten thing of this world. Akito's once elegant and domineering form lay on the bed and Yuki's shriveled, pitiful self curled in the corner.

He drank steadily, but quickly. And to succumb to this, to throw himself off this ledge... was perfect.

He waited now, to see what would happen to him, without... really... caring.

.

I'm so sorry it's taken so long for me to upload this! Really sorry. I've been very busy and then I actually struggled writing this, I was worried about how to do it.

There will be a final chapter/epilogue and then this will finally be finished. And thank you to The High Queen of Angst for your expert advice (and I kinda stole the title from your comment)!

Please let me know what you think, and thank you so much for reading! :)