Chapter 4 - Journal entry 1
Near P.O.V
Dear Journal.
...I don't know why I bothered writing that. You can't reply to me, you're an inanimate object that has no feelings or emotions. I envy you.
It's become natural for me to act emotionless around other people... It's so much easier than showing myself. I'm only writing this right now because Mello is making me as part of his "therapy" idea. I personally don't see how this is supposed to help me at all. If I don't want to talk to him about it, why would I find it easier to write about it? I've already written 95 words and I feel exactly the same. But... seeing as he is keeping my toys hostage until I write a full entry, I should probably make an effort.
Where to start... Well, considering the fact that Mello is going to be the only one reading this, it shouldn't be a problem to admit that I do suffer from depression and anxiety. I do self harm. I am nothing like the heartless robot I pretend to be. If anything, I feel I have too many emotions for me to deal with. I suppose I began self harming when I was first brought here, to Wammy House. I believe I was ten at the time, and after what I went through at my home, I'm honestly surprised that I haven't done more damage than the scars on my arms. What I saw back then severely traumatized me. My parents.. I can tell they would be disappointed in me, in what I've been doing to myself. But this is the result of what they did to me.
It's not news to me that I am somewhat abnormal. I'm an albino, and my family was not. Due to this I was considered an outcast, despite my intelligence. It's ridiculous, now that I look back on it. Side comments and hurtful glares shouldn't have affected me as much as they did back then, but they still do, and it's been years since I last saw their faces. I just want to forget about them, but no matter how hard I try, I can't. I see them every night in my nightmares, their voices echoing through my thoughts whenever I hurt myself. In total honesty, I was determined to end my life the day that Mello walked in on me. If he hadn't cleaned and fixed me up I wouldn't be writing this now... So Mello, thank you, I suppose. I know that you're trying to help, but I don't see how any of this will work.
I have to go for now. I've got a video call with L in Roger's office. I'll continue this when I come back.
N.