I'm sitting at the base of a tree, hiding from whatever farm chore I'm supposed to be performing. I've been here for hours, trying to banish the image of Caleb's eyes swimming with tears. I grind my knuckles into the ground, grit my teeth and stare ahead. I want these feelings to disappear.

Behind me, I hear a rustling in the trees. I draw my knees in close to my chest and press my shoulders to the trunk of the tree. I have broader shoulders now, but as a child, I was always good at hiding. Maybe it's the only thing I've kept hold of. The rustling continues, getting louder and closer. Has someone come to reprimand me for skipping out on work? I hope they have. I curl my hands into fists. I'm going to beat the sense out of whatever poor, sweet Amity resident they've sent to collect me. Now I can feel the sickening rush of adrenaline pouring into my stomach and my chest. I wait until the footsteps are just on the other side of the tree, then stand and turn.

From there, it's mostly instinct. One swift strike to the jaw and the kid is on the ground. I follow him down. I would kick him, but I want to hurt him with my hands. There's no point in pretending I'm not a monster. This kid is weak. He should at least try to fight back. He's weak but he's tall, taller than me. Tall and thin. Oh God, no. It's Caleb. Caleb is curled on the ground, bleeding. I'm beating Caleb.

It takes him a moment, after I stop hitting him, to uncurl and look up at me. Fuck. There's already a bruise blooming on his jaw. Fuck. I'm speechless. I wish I could burrow into the earth. Maybe I should keep hitting him. Maybe I should hit him until he can't stand up and then go to Tris with his blood on my hands and let things take their natural course. I don't think Four will let her murder me for hitting Caleb once, but if I really hurt him, maybe she'll be mad enough to end this useless struggle once and for all.

I can't do it. I don't want to. I look down at his face and wish that I could rewind the clock. Not just to a few moments ago, before I punched him, but years. Before I met him, before I met his sister, before I transfered to Dauntless and fostered all my lesser instincts, before I became the person that I am. I want to start over, and be worthy of him. I want to start over. "I want to start over."

"Peter?" His voice is so gentle. Everything about him is so gentle.

"I want to start over." I can barely get the words out. My throat is tight. My eyes are burning. I sit back on my heels and close my eyes. I don't want to cry in front of him. I don't want to cry at all. I want to disappear. "I want to be different than I am."

I feel his hand on my cheek. His fingers are so long and the palm of his hand is so warm and soft. I hear myself sobbing, hear my heart pounding in my ears. I don't deserve this, the comfort of his hand on my face. I don't deserve his kindness, but if it stops, if he stops touching me, I am going to die. My heart will stop and I will melt into the ground. Then both his hands are on my face and I'm leaning into his chest, sobbing, struggling to breathe.

He lets me cry for a long time. He doesn't say anything. He runs his fingers through my hair and I keep thinking that I've never felt this way, and I don't deserve it. And I know I have to tell him that. I know that I have a responsibility to tell him, to make it clear to him that I'm a monster. I don't know how the kid ever ended up in Erudite, if he can't see clearly what I am, now that he knows I tried to murder his sister, and now that I've put him on the ground with my fists like the brute that I am. He should know. He doesn't know, so I have to tell him. "Caleb." I take a deep breath, and then another. "Caleb." More breathing. His fingers are still running through my hair. "Caleb." How long can we stay like this, with my face buried in his shirt, with his fingers in my hair? How long can I lay here, saying his name and nothing else? Can we stay long enough to forget ourselves and everything else? Can we stay until it's just the two of us in an empty world?

I sit up and look at his face. His jaw is swollen but his eyes are dry. He smiles at me, brushes his fingers over my cheek again. I have to tell him the truth. "Caleb, I-"

"Peter, stop." He takes my hands in his and looks into my eyes.

"I don't care. I don't care what happened in Dauntless, between you and Tris and Four. I know I should but..." His lip trembles a little but he doesn't break eye contact. "I don't."

God he's so beautiful. And stronger than I'd imagined. "Maybe I'm not a very good person." He smiles at me again, struggling to keep the muscles of his face under control. I know I don't deserve him. And yet, here he is, in front of me, holding my hands.

"Peter I don't care what you've done. I-" he reaches his hand towards my face but I grab it before he can touch me. I should break his fingers, or his wrist or his nose, anything to make him run away from me. Anything so he will see the truth. But I don't do any of those things. Instead, I kiss him. I'm a monster but I'm going to feel this, once in my life. I'm going to feel what it feels like to be good and loved by someone decent.

I wrap my hand around the back of his neck and pull his face to mine. I press my lips to his and I hear him exhale so so softly. And then I become nothing, only the momentary, infinite sensation of his lips on mine and the smell of his skin and the nearness of him, his hand on my shoulder and then curving around my neck and pulling me closer. My heart is beating so hard it hurts. He pulls back and it breaks into a hundred pieces.

I look at him, terrified. Has he realized that I'm a monster? Was there something honest in my kiss I couldn't hide from him? But as soon as our eyes meet I know that's not why. He's smiling, and then he's laughing and I'm laughing too, because it's ridiculous, that I would be sitting here, with this person. That I would be kissing him, and that he would want me to be kissing him. So we're laughing, Caleb and I, breathlessly laughing because we both tried so hard to fuck this up and still we're here, in the dirt. I'm wiping tears off my cheeks, watching Caleb slump over, gasping. It's then that I hear voices approaching us through the trees and I grab Caleb and cover his mouth, pulling him behind the tree where I was hiding before. He struggles, which is a little annoying, but I'm much stronger than him, so I pin him to my body with one arm and reach down with the other to tuck his long legs across my lap. After a moment, I feel him relax. He hears the voices too.

We sit in silence. Caleb looks tense. I imagine he's not used to getting in trouble. We are almost certainly going to get caught, but I can't even remember what worry feels like because his face is very close to mine and one of his arms is around my shoulders. He looks down at me and smiles. He starts to run his fingers through my hair again. He leans down and whispers in my ear: "You know, Peter, if you wanted me to sit on your lap, you only had to ask."

And now I remember what worry feels like. I don't know which would be worse, getting caught with Tris's brother perched on my lap or Caleb realizing the effect he is having on me. I try to shift so that his ass isn't quite so temptingly located but I don't have much success. He's grinning at me, which means he might already know. I scowl up at him. "What, stiff?" He grins even wider. "Stiff indeed." He winks at me. Winks! If they don't catch us soon, I'm going to punch him again. "Peter, you're blushing." I start to grind my teeth. I hate being teased. He must sense it because he takes my face in his hands and kisses me again. Gentle. Not what I want. I grab his throat and hold him, opening his lips with mine, sliding my tongue into his mouth and pushing. He sighs again, that tiny exhalation. God let me die with that sound in my ears.

There is another, less welcome sound from a few feet away. I had almost forgotten about the rustling and voices from the distance as I sat here in this dream, but they've caught up with us. From behind a nearby tree, someone is giggling. I feel all of the tension return to my muscles as Caleb and I separate. I'm feeling murderous when I look up and see the blonde girl leaning against a tree, watching us. She's maybe 14, wearing an obnoxious orange sundress and she's covering her mouth, giggling and staring. I wonder if she knows she only has a few moments to live. I start to slide Caleb off my lap so I can stand up and kill the nosy child, but she shakes her head and puts a finger to her lips. She smiles at Caleb and winks at me. Why is everyone suddenly so comfortable winking at me? I don't like it. She calls out in a loud voice "There's no one over here." She starts to walk back the way she came. "I think I saw something moving over by the pond, but it's hard to say." She's gone. We sit in silence for a minute, listening to the voices fade into the distance.

"Well that was lucky!" Caleb smiles as he stands, then offers me his hand. I wish I could convince him to come back down and kiss me again, but I know that's not a good idea. I take his hand and stand next to him. "It must be almost dinnertime" he says cheerfully. I look down at his swollen jaw. He follows my gaze and frowns for a moment. "I can't believe I almost knocked myself out with that water pump. Thank you so much for walking me to the infirmary, Peter." He smiles broadly and I'm dizzy with gratitude and disbelief. He's still holding my hand. He turns and starts to lead me out off the woods, but before he takes a step I pull him in close to me and kiss him once more, hard and deep. Who knows when we'll have another chance?