Slowly but surly getting this all back up!

Chapter 2: The Heartless Man

The skeleton crew greeted him with confused stares and brief but professional Hello, Captain's.

Jim nodded at the on-duty officers then quickly shuffled past the stationed crew to go into his ready room at the back of the bridge. The automatic door whooshed open when he was three feet from it and he entered. The door closed a second before Jim fell against the wall heart pounding, blood rushing. His heart felt like a knife had been driven into the center of it, like someone had taken a bat and pounded it, like a child had thrown it against the wall. It hurt so bad that a part of himself wondered if he even had a heart anymore. He looked down at his hands noticing how they shook at his sides. His mouth felt dry and eyes sore. His whole body was just as confused as his mind and heart.

"Who are you?" Jim had asked, begged, after he'd agreed to resign his commission.

That same smirk sat on not-Bones' lips heavily when he spoke. "My name is Sha'thrill and that's all you need to know."

The gun had been lowered from Bones' head but was still in his hand clutched in tight. Jim's brows furrowed angrily. "I'm giving up my command I think I deserve to know who the fuck you are."

Bones' head tilted to the side, he licked his lips with is tongue just peaking through to touch his outer lip. It was subtle, gentle. Something the real Bones never did. He never did anything so subtle, so gentle. He was gruff with a beside manner to match his cantankerous personality. He was a southern doctor to the backbone. "Actually you're saving your best friend," Sha'thrill informed Jim with a smile. "I'm helping you do that by not killing him. But if you prefer a bullet in his head, I'll kindly oblige you." In a flash the gun was up and digging into his best friends temple. Jim took an involuntary step back with his hands up.

"No! Stop! You're inside of him." Jim said quickly. "You kill him you die too."

Slowly, slower than any movement Bones had ever done Sha'thrill pulled the gun from his temple. A white circle left a divot in his best friends head. "You really have no idea what I am or what is going on do you? Idiot."

Actually, genies level repeat offender, Jim thought but kept his mouth closed this time not wanting to agitate the thing inside Bones.

Sha'thrill slowly lowered the gun and looked at Jim with Bones' dead eyes. "Resign, Captain. Then get off the ship or I will kill your Bones then move on to the rest of your crew."

Jim breathed sharply out of his nose thinking quick. He wanted - no - needed to know what this creature was. He needed to know what was inside of Bones, who Sha'thrill was. What type of alien.

"Stop thinking so loudly, Kirk," Sha'thrill said meandering to Jim's desk chair swinging the gun in his hand.

"What are you?" Jim's voice shook and wavered. Too much emotion building up in his head, flooding his heart making it ache in ways he hadn't felt since five year old Sonne had died on Tarsus from being shot in the head by a soldier.

"To the federation, I don't exist. To the Klingons, I'm just a nightmare. To the Andorrans, I'm mentioned but in whispers and to the Vulcans, I'm nothing but an illogical children's tale. But to you I'm the worst motherfucker you'll ever meet." He ended his small speech with a sneer. For a moment the eyes that Jim knew so well lit up more green than brown. They lit and lit until they were almost florescent. Chills crept down Jim's spine. Maybe... Maybe he could get to the gun. Maybe he could charge the man and Sha'thrill would shoot him instead of Bones. Maybe he could -

"And don't think you can beat me. All I have to do is leave this body and go into a new one and you'd never know where I was or who I am until it's too late."

Even with all the things that he'd done, all the lessons he'd learned, every test he'd aced and every mission he'd completed Jim couldn't think of a way out of this. The enemy was on the inside already.

"I will take all of your most trusted people out one by one until it's only you," Sha'thrill seemed to find himself funny. "But you don't have to worry, James. The last one standing needn't stand for too long.

Jim pulled up a blank document as he sat at his terminal. He stared at the white screen. It felt like the white was burning into his eyes. He typed four words then stopped, his fingers not moving.

I, James Tiberius Kirk -

He couldn't write anymore. He couldn't. He'd been a screw up, a fuck up, a dumbass his whole life. He'd been told he'd never amount to anything, that he should have gone over with the car into the quarry. He'd been forced to do horrible, terrible, unspeakable things on Tarsus to survive. He'd picked fights and slept around and drank and drank and drank until alcohol leaked from his pours. He'd been a womanizer, a manwhore. A no good. A dirty rotten. A thief. A liar. He'd been more worthless than the dirt on the road he rode his bike over. He'd been nothing...

But then Pike had shown up and given him that stupid, stupid, wonderful dare to do better. And he'd taken it. He'd taken it like he'd taken the food from Kodos' kitchens when he'd snuck in to help feed his kids. He'd taken the dare and it changed his life.

With Starfleet he could be something, someone. He wouldn't just be the failure son of a dead hero. He wouldn't just be the victim of Kodos' genocide. He'd be someone other people respected. He could be someone people looked up to instead of down upon.

He'd met Bones. Bones with his southern drawl and flask of bourbon at eight o'clock in the morning. Bones in his bitter divorce with an ex-wife that had taken the whole damn planet. Bones who was surely and gruff and said Dammit too often and cursed and drank and had a quick temper and low tolerance but could bullshit with the best of them and cared more for the people on his table than his entire well being and who had the most beautiful daughter this side of the earth. Bones who took care of Jim even when he'd push him away and scream and throw stuff and say he wasn't worth it. Bones who woke him up from nightmares and dragged him back from the library late at night and who gave him hangover hypos and supported him when he needed a friend during the worst of times.

Starfleet had become a new life but Bones became his home.

... herby resign my commission...

Jim wrote another line with trembling fingers. He tried to stretch his hand out to stop the tremors.

It would be okay. Everything would be fine. The Enterprise didn't really need Jim anyways, he thought. Spock would become Captain and really, he was supposed to be the Captain. If Jim hadn't accused him of not caring for his dead mother Spock would have stayed Captain. And Sulu would move up to fist officer - one step closer to getting his own ship like he'd been aiming for since the Academy. There'd be no one to bug Uhura and no one to beat Chekov in chess. Scotty could finally make that new brew of Klingon Ale that Jim ordered him not to make since it would put them all on their asses so fast they'd have concussions. Everything would be fine. They'd be fine. The Enterprise would be... Fine.

... as Captain of the USS Starship Enterprise.

Jim wrote the last line in his three page resignation then sat back. In it he'd given the entire crew accommodations and praise on their hard work. He'd written that they all should be promoted and talked of their bravery in all that they have ever done. But not one word in the three page document told of how much he would miss them. How much he loved them in all the ways a Captain could love his crew and more. Neither did he write why he was resigning. On that matter he wrote: personally compromised. No longer able to fulfill the duties assigned to being the Captain of a Federation Starship.

James Tiberius Kirk most certainly did not cry as he finished his resignation and hit send then shut down his terminal and walked from the ready room that wasn't his anymore.

James Tiberius Kirk did not cry as he walked slowly back to the Captains Quarters not meeting anyone's eye but nodding at the crewmen at all the right times and shoved clothes and shoes and little trinkets into a duffel bag haphazardly. When the bag was only half full he took off his command shirt and stuffed that in there as well. Then he grabbed his leather jacket and the watch from Old Vulcan Spock had given to him months ago and was out the door.

James Tiberius Kirk did not cry as he ordered the Ensign on duty to transfer him to the nearest ship heading back to earth, the Jefferson. The Ensign - Bar'lo - had looked at him with confused eyes to which Jim had only smiled at him sadly and took his place on the transporter pad.

"Energize."

James Tiberius Kirk didn't cry as he materialized on the smaller yet functional transporter pad of the Jefferson to a burly looking ensign who showed him to where he'd be staying until they reached earth in two days time. Jim nodded at the man who just turned and left.

James Tiberius Kirk, no longer Captain of the USS Enterprise cried into his fist soundlessly as he lay on the small bed he was given. That was it. It was over. A part of Jim always thought he'd stay in Starfleet his entire life or until a mission ended bad and he went out in a blaze of glory and a rebel yell. He never thought he'd just give up. But that's what he did. He gave up to save his best friend.

Jim couldn't even feel his heart anymore as he lay on the bed clutching his duffel bag tight to his chest.

Sorry for any mistakes, I was in a rush.