Okay! So, this is the LAST chapter to be reposted and I hopefully will never have to do this again because I cant even explain how angry it makes me that all the reviews, favorites, follows and written work just disappeared. I suppose this should be a lesson to everyone - ensure that you rate your stories correctly. If you're like me and drop an F bomb in there for the sake of the characters speech then change your rating thusly. Again, so sorry for the inconvenience and to ANYONE WHO IS OFFENDED BY CURSE WORDS DO NOT READ THIS! If you are so offended by bad language or any of that stuff then just turn away now because if I get reported again and this story just disappears again I think I might just close my account and move completely to Archive of Our Own (which is AMAZING if you've never heard of it - get there!). I usually don't write star trek and I'm not going to lie, my fist venture into this universe has been rocky at best. It's really not about reviews or favorites or follows but about writing and I love to write, stuff like this just gets me down sometimes. ANYWAYS! Ya'll want to read the update right? Okay, rant is now over, moving on.

Again, sorry for the repost but next chapter will be the real thing!

Chapter 4: Stop My Beating Heart

Leonard "Bones" McCoy stumbled slightly out of his bed when the ringing of his alarm clock became like a jack-hammer shooting into his skull. His hair ruffled something awful and his uniform from the night before still on, horribly crinkled, he walked the short distance from his bed to the bathroom. He ordered the lights on wincing when they lit the room with what should have been a soft glow. Leonard looked at himself in the mirror eyeing his reflection with distaste.

Must've been a crazy night, he thought while running one hand through his hair, the other one grabbed for his toothbrush. Leonard bent down after brushing his teeth to spit out the paste and saliva then stood back up and wobbled slightly on his feet. The room spun, he could feel his head turning in circles. His brain gave another hearty pound sending chills down both arms and the back of his neck.

"Damn," he muttered slowly removing his clothes. "How much did I drink last night?"

He got into the shower deciding it was a good day to use some of his water credits that he'd been storing up when he felt like this. Leonard turned on the water humming a tune softly while his mind wandered off to a certain Captain with sunshine gold hair and blue eyes deep like the ocean.

My oh my, you're so good-looking

Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends

But I've not tasted all your cooking

Who are you when I'm not looking?

Leonard got out of the shower still singing the old song. He dried off thinking of Jim and what he was doing. Today was Thursday so it would be second shift for him while Leonard had the entire day off. Light duty for the away team from the negotiations and a regular schedule for the rest of the crew.

Leonard dressed in a clean uniform then grabbed one of his hangover hypo's he kept for just an occasion like this and injected himself in the right place where it wouldn't hurt then threw the hypo away. He took hold of his comm unit and flipped it open as he walked out the door.

"McCoy to Kirk," he said into the comm while walking down the hallway. Leonard waited a few minutes for Jim to reply before trying again. When no one spoke back, Leonard just closed his comm.

Probably still asleep.

He continued to walk towards the Captain's quarters at a leisurely pace nodding a crewmen he liked and scowling at those he knew still owned him trips to the MedBay for physicals. Absently he thought about his best friend. The was his eyes lit up in amazement last night when Leonard had dropped his hand of cards down to show everyone his royal flush.

"That's like, impossible! The odds on getting a royal flush in this game is... A million to one!"

"Actually Captain, the odds are not that substantial as it is completely likely to pick up the order of playing cards-"

Spock had been silenced with a glare from not only Jim but also Uhura and Scotty. The green blooded hobgoblin had looked down at his cards, shifted only minutely then spoke without looking up.

"Of course Jim is correct that it is truly a feat that you managed such a draw of cards, Dr. McCoy."

Leonard had glared while Jim had smiled at Spock with a gleam in his eyes that showed unmistakable happiness. If Leonard hadn't known any better he would have thought it was affection that laid deep in his best friend's eyes as he looked at the Vulcan. But he knew better and the way Jim had turned his gaze at Leonard when he thought he wasn't looking made Leonard's heart skip a beat even now, a night later walking down the corridor.

Jim is... He's a man with a past and too much hurt and pain and suffering built up behind walls that were too thick and emotions that were too well guarded at times. He's a genius with an IQ higher than almost everyone at the Academy and a martyr complex to match. He's brave and kind and could shoot the shit with the best of them. He's aggressive and self-serving and hardheaded and didn't listen to orders Leonard ever gave him about his health. He's quick tempered about certain subjects and damn straight annoying on some days. He always has to be in the thick of the battle and he always needs to be a goddamn stupid dumbass and do something heroic like save someone or jump in front of phaser fire or leap off a drill with no shoot. He's a pain in the ass on some days and a pest every other day of the week.

Leonard shook his head nearing Jim's quarters.

Jim is... He's a handsome man. A pretty man if Leonard had ever seen one. His smile, when it hits his eyes, brightens the room - and that's the most stupid ass cliché Leonard can think of. He's bright when Leonard feels dark and happy when Leonard is sad. He makes Leonard feel... like he has a purpose. Like he's on this tin can death trap for a reason, even if that reason is saving Jim's ass every time he gets into a mess. Jim is the master of one night stands when he gets in the mood but also the best listener and caretaker when given the chance. Leonard wishes that the kid could just stop trying to impress people with his Devil-may-care attitude and open up, let everyone see the true Jim Kirk that he's been seeing ever since that drunk night at the academy on his Daddy's would've-been birthday.

After too many beers and way too many fingers of whiskey, Leonard had been a rambling, blubbering mess with snot dripping from his nose and hair greasy from running alcohol soaked hands through it. Jim had showed up at the bar, how he'd known Leonard would be there was anyone's guess. But he'd looked at Leonard with eyes that held no pity and no sadness but understanding.

"How about we get you home, Bones."

"I d'n't need a b'bysitter. I got a few m'shots left."

"We'll get them to go. How about that Bonsey?"

With that Leonard had felt himself being hauled to his feet and led outside. The brisk San Fransisco air had cleared his mind somewhat as Jim helped him walk back to their dorm. His head fell against the kid's shoulder, he was warm. Smelled nice. Like sunshine and some bourbon and maybe a little after shave.

"It's cologne actually, I was on a date."

"I killed my daddy, Jim."

"We've all done things we're not proud of, Leonard."

Leonard shook himself away from his thoughts as he stepped up to Jim's door and knocked. There weren't many crew member around at the time but those who were looked at him in the corners of their eyes trying to be discreet. He waited a minute after knocking to try to knock again.

Nothing.

Something didn't feel right. The pit of Leonard's stomach twisted in unease.

"Jim," he called through the door after knocking roughly again. "Open up kid."

Still nothing. No sound came through the door from movement inside. Leonard opened his mouth to try again but stopped as his comm sounded at his belt.

"Bridge to Dr. McCoy."

Leonard growled and grabbed for his comm. It was Spock's voice on the other end.

"McCoy here."

"You are needed in the Captain's ready room immediately."

Jim, Leonard thought. The bad feeling in his stomach intensified.

"On my way," he said as calmly as he could already running towards the turbo lift. He sprinted inside and closed the door with more aggressive button pushing than was necessary. He grabbed the emergency med kid he kept in one of the storage compartments just for such occasions and held it tight to his chest. Once the lift opened at the bridge he rushed out in the most professional manner he could manage. He looked around the bridge at the people manning their stations. Most of them looked at him, others had their heads down. Chekov had his head in his hands with Sulu's arms gently on his shoulder. Leonard quickened his pace to the ready room almost bursting through with his bag clutched and half opened. He was surprised when he opened the door to just see Spock sitting in one of the chairs around the large table in the middle of the room. His eyes scanned the space looking for Jim but he saw nothing.

"Doctor, have a seat," Spock said. It must've been Leonard's imagination because did Spock's voice just seem - sad?

Leonard sat down and the screen across the room lit up with the familiar face of Admiral Pike. He had a few more wrinkles creasing his face but his hair was neatly combed. His eyes looked wild however, with anger or saddness, Leonard wasn't sure.

A part of Leonard, the part that hadn't gone through three years at the academy and was a gruff old southern doctor to the bones wanted to snap and yell and demand to know what was going on. But the larger side of him, the one tamed by years of training and patience told him to wait. So he did.

Admiral Pike took a breath and leaned forward in his chair.

"McCoy, what is this I'm holding in my hand?" He held up a pad with a written document displayed, but Leonard couldn't see what it said.

"I'm not sure, Admiral Pike. What is it?" He crossed his arms and scowled at the Admiral keeping Spock in his peripheral vision.

"Let me read the first line - I, James Tiberius Kirk, hereby resign my commission as Captain of the Starship Enterprise."

Leonard sucked in a breath, his headache from before that had been dulled from adrenaline and the hypo flashed back in full force making him wince. A pad was slid in front of him by Spock with a copy of the document sent from Pike. Leonard looked it over with quick eyes scanning for anything that would say that this is a joke, that Jim didn't really just resign. But when he hit the bottom and his eyes ran over his best friend's signature Leonard could feel his heart stop beating in his chest.

"Where is he?" Leonard's mouth was too dry, his head pounded. Pike was silent so Leonard whipped around to look at Spock.

"According to the ships logs the Captain - Jim - left the Enterprise at four twenty-three this morning. He beamed over to the research vessel Jefferson that is scheduled to arrive in earths atmosphere in the next week." Spock always prided himself on his ability to not show emotions. He was Vulcan, not human and he did everything in his power to suppress the deep emotions that swelled inside of him. The anger that Jim had left without even a comm, the sadness that now he lost one of the very few people he had considered a friend. The uncertainty because now he was in charge. Now he was the captain. It all bubbled inside of him threatening to burst forth from his carefully constructed walls.

"Commander Spock, it looks like you're the captain now," Pike said after clearing his throat.

Leonard growled. "You gotta be fucking kidding me. Jim's gone for two seconds and your already replacing him with this fucking hob-"

"Doctor," Spock broke through Leonard's rant with quick words. "I do not intend on being the Captain of this vessel nor do I intend to just simply let Jim leave with no explanation as to his mysterious departure."

Leonard stared at Spock with his mouth half opened and eyes large in disbelief.

"Furthermore I believe it is necessary to not only find where he has gone to but to, as you have said on so many occasions, slap him into gear."

"I didn't hear any of that," Pike's voice surprised Leonard so much he jumped, Spock's face remained impassive. They both turned to look at the Admiral. "But if I did I would say that I agree wholeheartedly that you should go and find out what happened. I'm ordering the Enterprise be sent back to earth on the grounds of repairs after the mission you are on now."

Leonard and Spock both nodded their thanks at the Admiral.

"Now go debrief your command team on the situation."

~o0o~

There was a small child sitting next to him on the shuttle from San Francisco to Riverside. The child was small with little teeth and brown hair lining his face all around. His eyes were a deep brown in all the ways Jim's were a crystal blue and shined when sunlight hit them in an almost unnatural way. The child had his head laid against the the back of his seat swaying back and forth as he slept fitfully. Every once in a while the child's head would fall against Jim's shoulder startling him from his own thoughts. The first few times Jim had moved the kid's head back against the headrest and continued to stare out the window. But after the fourth time Jim just said fuck it and let the kid lay on his shoulder. He only had be to eight or nine, with no parents on the shuttle with him and Jim was alone anyways feeling miserable and sick to his stomach, he supposed if he could help the kid in some way then to hell with it. Let the kid sleep.

Jim looked down at the boy with an exhausted gaze. It had been a week since he'd left the Enterprise, his crew and... Bones. But it felt like longer. He'd turned off his comm unit the second he stepped foot on the Jefferson then buried it deep in his bag under all his clothes and meager belongings in a place where he would have to push everything aside and dump his bag if he wanted to get to it. Which he didn't.

He wasn't running away, he was protecting his people - his crew. The people he couldn't live without but now must live without. He was protecting Bones.

Bones...

The mental picture of his best friend with a gun to his head made Jim shiver even though he was wearing his leather jacket. The nightmares hadn't stopped, he doubted they ever would. Guns and knives and phasers and death and killing themselves and -

"Why do you look sad?" A voice said from somewhere beside Jim. Jim took his head off the window and shook it while closing his eyes. He was surprised to feel wetness dampen his eyes from unshed tears. He blinked hard trying to dispel them. Jim looked down at the boy who was now wide awake and gazing at him with brown eyes and messy hair. He cleared his throat and said, "I lost something important to me."

It was true. So very, very true that it made his heart burn.

"Was it something you loved?" The boy asked innocently.

Jim licked his lips wanting nothing more than to jump out the window. Instead he settled for just turning away from the boy and saying softly, "Yes."

The kid was silent for a few minutes, "Did you lose someone?"

Jim turned back to the boy and in the same way he spoke to the transporter technician he said, "I think that's enough questions." And turned back to the window his eyes cloudy and heart aching. It's wasn't just the fact that he no longer had his ship but knowing that he's the one who walked away. To save the people he loves he had to walk away. A no win scenario.

"I lost my mom. She died and now I'm going to live with my dad. My mom always said dad was a farmer and you don't see a lot of farmers anymore do you? Mom said he was a good guy and would take care of me but I've never met my dad before. Mom said he's tall with hair like mine and eyes like mine."

Jim looked down at the kid to see him staring straight up at him. His eyes were large and brown like almonds with specks of green. A shiver ran over Jim's arms as he thought of Bones's eyes. Green and brown with specks of black and sometimes gold all meshed around each other in his irises. It was a place like this, in a shuttle to San Francisco that Jim had met Bones for the first time. Him hungover and still covered in blood from the night before and Bones unshaven and sleep deprived yelling about how he didn't want to die in a thing that flys and how all he's got left is his Bones.

"My mom died on a Starship." The boy said sadly. Jim scratched at nose and turned away from the boy not trusting himself to keep his emotions in check.

"... My dad died on a starship too."

~o0o~

When the shuttle had finally landed and Jim managed to get himself back under control he followed the boy - Tyler, he said his name was during one of his many rambles. He helped the kid out of his seat and grabbed his bag for him. Tyler continued to talk about his dad and how he planted wheat in his fields like the farms from the twentieth century. Jim nodded at all the right moments and smiled when the kid tried to joke. He'd only known the kid for a few hours but he could see the pain behind his eyes. The way he talked and talked and talked about his mom like she was still alive. Jim saw himself inside the young boy. Angry and bitter but plastering a smile on his face and faking it to stop the questions.

"Let's go find your dad, kid," he said kid the same way Bones used to talk to him. It almost felt nice, nostalgic to be the one calling instead of the one being called.

When they got off the shuttle, him with his hat and sunglasses firmly in place and the kid quiet with nerves, Jim walked Tyler towards a group of people that were still a ways away when Tyler grabbed at Jim's sleeve and pulled him forward.

"I see him," he almost yelled. Jim gave the boy a small smile. He stopped walking when the boy sped up. Tyler walked a few feet before feeling the absence of Jim next to him. He turned and looked back and waved. Jim smiled at the innocence of it all. At this small boy, so happy waving hard just a few feet away from him.

"Goodbye Captain Kirk," Tyler yelled.

The smile on Jim's face melted slowly off. Dred filled his heart.

~o0o~

There was no one at the shipyard to pick him up to take home, but Jim wasn't surprised. His mother was still in the middle of a four year science exploration tour and Frank well, Frank wouldn't come pick him up even if he'd asked him to, which he didn't. So he hiked his bag back up on his shoulder and got a ride in a taxi. He didn't give his name but he gave his address to the man driving. The man drove in silence all the way to Jim's old house then stopped in front of the driveway. Jim pulled out his credit chip but the man waved him off when he asked how much. Jim persisted however, he wasn't about to get charity. But the man frowned at him and shook his head hard then pointed out of the car. Jim finally relented angrily and grabbed his bag then got out the car. It pulled away before him could try again to give him the cab fare.

Jim closed his eyes feeling the hot sun on his face and breeze rustle his jacket and jeans. He took a deep breath to steady himself then took a step towards his house. The house that he hadn't been back to in too many years.

Every step he took broke his heart a little more and a little more and a little more. It felt like walking on the hard stones and gravel on Tarsus with no shoes and bloodied feet. Like dragging his feet while holding tight to an injured ensign to the beam out point. It hurt, excruciating heartbreak.

Jim opened the door before he could think better of it and stepped inside the same house he'd tryed to run away from countless times in his young wild youth. He noticed his hands shook as he closed the door. Jim cursed at himself.

"What are you doin' here?" A gruff voice said suddenly from where he remembered the kitchen being. Jim jumped thinking back on all the times that voice had screamed at him, yelled at him. The arms and hands and feet that had beat him when he was younger and thought that this was what should happen, that it was okay to hurt him when he was being bad or annoying.

"I told you I was coming," Jim snapped back mentally shaking himself. He swallowed thickly as Frank came around the corner in a ratty flannel shirt and jeans dirty with mud from the fields around their farmhouse.

Frank sniffed then rubbed at his nose and stumbled chin with grimy fingers. "No you didn't."

Jim said nothing choosing instead to reach down to start untying his boots trying to ignore the fact that the man who had caused him constant pain in his childhood and who he though he had left to never see again, was back. Or, he was back. In the house he hated so much.

"Did you being any of your fag friends back this time?"

Jim didn't answer, he stared at the ground more defeated then ever before.

This... This was his life now.

The song is Who Are You When I'm Not Looking, by Blake Shelton :)