Chapter 10: November 24th

I've never written in this journal two days in a row before. I guess that's what I get for invading Naruto's personal space yesterday. It's getting a little depressing. You know – not... having any friends. I never really thought about it when I had Naruto around.

I guess this is a sure sign that Naruto won't spring back like I thought he would initially.

But, what am I supposed to do now? I can't just go on with my life knowing that Naruto will forever hate me. I've been fucking pulling at my hair all day, trying to figure out why exactly I care if Naruto leaves or stays. I remember writing in one of my first journal entries that I wouldn't give a shit what Naruto did.

What changed, exactly? I'm not sure. I'm not even sure why I'm writing that question down, considering this paper isn't going to answer me. Why can't I just be the asshole I've grown up to be, the fucked-up teenager that wanted to kill everyone? Is it the fact that I'm not a kid anymore? I'm just starting to hate myself, this person I've become. I want to stay unfeeling, to be able to push people away, to be able to act without any inhibitions.

I don't want to have any feelings for Naruto, not because I'm afraid of what people will say, but because I know things will change. I know my life will become different.

Right now, I can see Naruto talking to Hinata in front of my house from my window. I've always wondered if that stupid blonde had ever realized the feelings that woman had for him. She still has them, I can tell; she's never given those feelings up. I've also wondered if Naruto would even go on a date with her if she ever confessed her feelings. I don't know if Hinata would be good for him. She's too quiet.

But hell, who am I to judge? I've never even been in a relationship before. What happens if something fucks up? Would the dobe and I be friends, after that? I'm sitting here talking about relationships and shit and I haven't even spoken to him since it happened.

I'm... I'm so lost. My whole life I've tried to keep up this asshole exterior to keep myself safe from enemies and interferences. I guess it's also my selfish way of trying to protect myself psychologically. I know that one of my goals in life was the resurrection of my clan, and I would obviously need a woman for that. But I've been so caught up in revenge and whatnot that I don't even have a... life.

Then again, Naruto and I are so ambiguous. We argue and fight out of habit every day so I'm not even sure what to expect from him emotionally. I don't even know what to expect from myself.

After writing about the qualities I liked about Naruto, I wondered if there was anything he liked about me. I was also thinking about what he would write about if he had a journal. Probably dumb, stupid shit from that dumb, stupid brain.

I got a call from Sakura earlier, for the first time in a few days. I was actually considering picking up, but then I decided it was probably best not to. When I listened to her message, she sounded like she was drunk, and mumbled something about feeling sick. I'm assuming the alcohol was what was making her sick, but I never thought she would be the type to drink that much. Not that I'm... worried or anything.

Jesus... am I going soft? What's with all the FEELINGS lately?!

And now I'm hearing a knock on my door, and I see Hinata walking away, from what I can tell from my window. Oh God, please have mercy on me and let that knocking not be Naruto. There's nothing in this world I can't handle besides seeing him right now.

I'm barely holding back the tears in my eyes...

Author's Note: There you go, journal entry chapter 10! Next, the encounter with Sasuke! Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn!

I'm thinking strongly about making this diary type story a series. Next up for me would be Kiba. Titles I was thinking up were "Diary of a Neurotic" (too keep up with the 'madman' theme), or "Diary of a Stray" or "Diary of the Alpha Male" (I don't want to use the word 'dog' in the title, staying with his dog-like nature as another theme). Any ideas (for titles, pairings, any at all)? Comments? Flames? Should I even write it? ;; I wouldn't be starting until after I finished this one, of course.

If you have any ideas/comments about this at all, no matter how insignificant it may seem, please e-mail me at: inunotama(at)optonline(dot)net

Even if it has something to do with another character! A pairing, whatever! I have some devious ideas in my head already. xP