Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters or ideas.

For those of you who don't know, I posted the link to an image of Renge, roughly age 6-8, on my profile.

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Chapter 3: No escape from reality

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The first time I realize just how messed up this village is (and I should have realized sooner, because two caretakers in a row that are like that?), Naruto and I are at the playground.

And.

And there are kids there, running around and screaming and having fun. Which. I am wincing and regretting my decision to come here, but Naruto is excited and tugging on my hand to go go go because look! People! Kids our age that he can play with!

But I hate kids and I don't want to deal with them so I let go of Naruto's hand. I'd rather just watch from nearby, thank you very much. He gives me a backward glance, frowning in confusion. He only needs a smile of encouragement, a vague upward tilt of my lips (because it's all I can manage), before he shoots off to make friends.

And he does.

He joins a group of kids, running around and laughing, playing tag or something. I don't know what. I keep a wary eye on him as I walk over to the swing set and slump onto an empty swing. The other is occupied by some kid too busy trying to swing himself as high as he can to pay attention to me. Which is a relief.

For a second, I feel the novelty of being on a swing again. I hadn't been on one for years, not since... Middle School? My memories are fuzzy, but I don't try to force them forward. It's too painful.

So instead I swing my feet back and forth, grip the cold metal chains of the swing, and lean back to look up at the sky. The bright blue sky so wide so open swallowing everything up sucking us in the sun beating us down with beams rays of warmth heat damaging our skin warming us up into the sky up up uppppppppppppp—

But this is boring. I wish there was some music I can listen to, or a book I can read. A laptop and internet would be a godsend. Or a tablet, to draw. I'd even settle for some knitting needles and yarn (and doesn't that make me sound like an old biddy).

Well.

At least I'm not the one Naruto's chasing around. I may be more athletic (much, much more) and have more energy and stamina that I used to Before, but that doesn't mean I want to run around every day for hours. It's like Naruto has endless energy to waste.

...He probably does have endless energy, all that chakra and vitality from his Uzumaki heritage, on top of the chakra from Kurama (and I still find it weird that his presence is comforting—was comforting while in Kushina's womb, which is something I really never want to think about—and that I'm so used to it, to his chakra. That I instinctually key into it. Well, at least it helps me keep track of Naruto, if nothing else).

Hm. Maybe I can redirect that energy, to training or something. Or, well, and I know this isn't really ethical and I shouldn't be contemplating introducing it to my little brother and we can get into a lot of trouble but screw these people, but I can totally get Naruto to help me get revenge. In little ways. Like stealing. Or "pranking." Because these people are assholes and they treat us horribly and they overcharge us and what the fuck.

Seriously.

I should probably stick to pranking, though. Don't want to teach Naruto harmful habits.

But god am I hungry. And I know Naruto is, too. We probably need to eat more because of the amount of chakra we have. Didn't Kushina use to eat a shit ton? And Naruto (future Naruto, from the manga, the one I read about but don't personally know, the one who isn't my Naruto) ate a lot, too.

Well. It's something to think about, even only just idly. Hmm. I wonder if they have different cuisines, not just Japanese food. They should, right? I remember smelling Chinese food. Maybe there's Thai food? I'd kill for some Korean. Oh god, I just really want to eat something spicy. All the food Old Lady gives us is bland and—

—Something's wrong.

I was too deep in thought so I didn't notice at first, but something is definitely wrong.

Naruto. Where's Naruto?

I'm quick to look for him, using Kurama as a compass. I don't see him, at first, but then I sense-spot him, over at the other end of the playground. He's standing near a group of kids (grouped away from him isolating him why). I can't see their faces clearly from so far away, but with the way Naruto's shoulders are slumped, something's definitely going on. I'm on my feet and halfway over there before I notice something else.

There's an adult standing right behind the kids, one hand gripping tightly the shoulder of a kid standing in front of her, glaring fiercely at Naruto.

Oh god why did it take me so long to notice?

And the kids, they're bunched together with uneasy faces, not sure what to do. And Naruto—Naruto's shaking. And oh god it's like with those vendors, isn't it, the ones who hurl insults and chases us off when all we want is something to eat and.

And the adult, a young woman, probably the mother of one of the kids. She's hissing at Naruto, hissing at him.

"—You're just a monster! Why are you even here? Get away from my kid!"

And I'm running toward them and I oh so want to fucking punch the bitch but I can't because I'm just a kid and so small and too weak so I just grab Naruto's hand and I glare at her.

"Shut up!" I shout. "Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about!"

And I don't give her a chance to rebut and I ignore Naruto's startled face, the glistening tears in his eyes that are about to fall, and I ignore the gaping faces surrounding us. And I pull Naruto far, far away.

We're never going to that playground again.

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It's okay to cry, I know it is. It's healthy and you definitely shouldn't bottle up your emotions. I mean, look at all the ninjas in this world that are just so messed up because they believe emotions are weaknesses. That they shouldn't cry.

So it's okay to cry.

It doesn't stop me from hurting because Naruto is a blubbering mess, crying into his arms because life just isn't fucking fair. It doesn't stop me from being so so angry at that woman—that woman who has no fucking right to treat Naruto like that, to call him a monster.

And he isn't a monster! He's just a kid. He's just a kid who wants friends, who wants love and attention and a family. (Even though I give him all of that am I not enough am I not enough?)

"Nee-san," Naruto says, pulling his face up from where it was hidden, tears and snot running down his face, a wet mess because of fucking people. He hiccups and more tears stream down from his eyes, but he forces himself to keep talking. "Nee-san, am I—am I a monster?"

Oh that bitch I'll kill her she made Naruto doubt himself she's making him question his own existence I'll kill her I'll kill them all.

I don't hesitate a moment. Despite the tears and the snot and the general grossness. I pull Naruto close and I hug him as much as I can, cursing my small body cursing that I can't do anything, and I reassure him as best I can. (But I'm not enough, am I?)

"No, Naruto. You're not a monster. She's the monster. Anyone who calls you that is the actual monster."

And so what if bitterness seeps through and my hatred for this village colors my voice? It's their fault. They're the ones treating us like this, treating Naruto like this. We don't deserve it. We don't.

But the villagers will deserve Naruto hating them.

Even though the Naruto (not my Naruto) that I read about loved this village, wanted to protect it and be acknowledged by the people. But that Naruto didn't know better. Didn't know what love was or the amount of injustice heaped onto him or the fact that he didn't have to put up with it.

We can leave. Someday, we can leave.

(Even though the other villages aren't that better even though this whole world is messed up even though there's nowhere safe we can go.)

I tell myself this and I try and try to convince myself. But I know. I know I'll never be able to get Naruto to agree. It would be me against the village, and Naruto will choose the village. He will. I would, too. I wouldn't follow me.

But there's still the possibility.

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After that, I just feel spent. I feel like I was bubbling, boiling water, and someone doused the flames, cooling me, leaving me to simmer for a short while before turning cold. I can't muster up enough energy to do anything. As much as I'm angry, as much as I want to go out and do something, even if it's punching a tree, I just... feel too tired to do anything.

I'm not good at this, being an older sister. I'm so used to being a younger sister, the baby of the family. People don't usually come to me to cry, don't emotionally rely on me.

It really is different, having a younger brother. A twin. The same age as me (except not, because I'm so much older than him). Naruto relies on me. He needs me. Half of me is happy about this, and really really grateful.

The other half is just so tired. I'm not usually the responsible one. I'm a follower, not a leader. But Naruto needs a leader, someone to look up to, whose example he can follow.

Which sucks for him, because he got me.

But maybe I shouldn't think like that. I mean, originally he would have been all alone. And now he doesn't have to feel that loneliness. Even me just being here is better than nothing, right? Even if I can't do much for him, at least I can support him and just be there for him (like no one else was for me). Well, I'll try to, at least. I don't know how successful I'll be.

But for now, I can't even muster up the energy to do anything except sit here. Naruto's stopped crying. Now we're just sitting in this disgusting alley, doing nothing, sitting in relative silence. Naruto's warmth against my side is a comfort.

He's the first to break the silence. "Let's go somewhere else."

It takes me a moment to respond, and all I can give is a half-hearted: "Yeah."

He huffs, rubbing at his eyes to clear any traces of tears, making his still red face even redder, and stands up quickly. I almost fall over without him to lean against. He reaches down and grabs my hand, and tries to pull me up. I resist for a moment, unwilling to move, watching Naruto's face turn from determined to constipated. Or maybe it's concentration. But eventually I cave and let myself be pulled up.

Naruto frowns at me, and my lips twitch downward to match his expression.

"What," I say, what's supposed to be a question instead coming out as a statement. He looks hesitant for a moment before he nods to himself.

"Let's go, nee-san. C'mon!" And he grabs my hand and starts dragging me behind him.

I let him. It's a bit relieving, letting someone else take the lead. While he takes us through back ways and alleys, I concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. It takes more energy than I thought it would. Surprisingly, we pass very few people. My brows furrow unconsciously as I wonder just when Naruto figured out how to navigate this town. He must have a better sense of direction than I do (which isn't actually surprising, because I have a shit sense of direction). He's probably also more observant than I give him credit for.

Soon I recognize where we're headed. It's the forest near the training grounds. Sometimes you can find some of the younger shinobi, usually Academy students, training in this part of the forest. Usually, we avoid this area. Or at least, I usually steer us away from here. I don't want to trip over any ninjas, especially when they're training. But today I let Naruto bring us here, curious as to why.

As we enter the forest, he starts talking. And though all I can see is his back, he practically glows with determination. "I want to become a ninja. That way, no one can talk down to us! We'll be able to stand up to them!"

Oh, Naruto.

He's so naïve. So young and already he's buying into the ninjas-are-awesome propaganda. It's everywhere. In our books, in the way the civilians defer to ninja, in the casual displays of thwarting physics ninja showcase every day... What's sad is that it works. I wouldn't mind having that kind of power, being able to use it to stick up for myself, protect myself. (To get back at my tormentors.)

Except that's not what it's used for. It's used to fight, to kill, to slaughter and intimidate on the orders of a leader who is usually chosen because of his or her strength, not their policies. This is a military country. More than to "protect," a shinobi learns to "kill," and not just physically, too.

But it is true that we'll need that power to protect ourselves. And even if Naruto refuses to become a ninja, the village will still force him to become one. He's their jinchuuriki. Their tool. They won't let him go that easily.

And as much as I dread becoming a ninja, a murderer, I don't think I'd be able to live as a civilian. Not in this world, where one swipe of a ninja's hand can kill a person. Not where civilian women are expected to get married and have children and do the housework. Even some kunoichi become housewives in the end. But I'm not going to let that happen to me. No husband, no kids.

Besides, Naruto's enough kid to last me a lifetime.

And I've been quiet for too long, because Naruto stops walking to look at me in worry. I muster up enough energy to quirk a smile at him, unable to discourage his decision to become a ninja, because what's the use? And there's no way I'd let him go at it alone.

"Yeah," I say instead. "We'll both become shinobi."

Naruto smiles at me, his eyes squinting as his mouth splits into a grin. Then he lets go of my hand and sprints toward a clearing in front of us.

"C'mon! We might find some kunai or shuriken laying around!"

Um. Well, scavenging isn't a crime, right? I didn't teach Naruto to break the rules, right?

...Right?

"Does whoever collect the most get a prize?"

"Yeah!"

Despite my initial misgivings, I follow after Naruto for an afternoon of scavenging weapons. It's surprisingly fun, especially when we started up a guessing game to figure out where certain scorch marks or dents in the clearing came from. Like a tree that was cut in half, which I guessed was from a sword (probably a katana) but Naruto guessed was from a wind jutsu. We argued more than we agreed on our theories, with Naruto's ideas being the wilder ones, but it was fun. It brought some levity to our situation.

By the end, our tally was: 6 kunai, 4 shuriken, 3 senbon, a half-used roll of ninja wire (which, I have no clue why someone would leave behind), and a blank scroll. I'm not sure why there was a blank scroll. A completely blank scroll. I unraveled it and found nothing written on it.

Naruto wasn't sure why, either. Of course, genius that I am, I take the opportunity to try something I really shouldn't.

I take one of the shuriken, lightly cut my forefinger with it, ignoring Naruto's squawk of panic, and use my blood to write the kana for storage on the scroll. Then I try to force the shuriken into it. Except all the shuriken does is stab through the scroll and into the ground.

How disappointing.

Well, I suppose if fuuinjutsu was that easy, everyone would be doing it. Anyway, I think I'm supposed to use ink, not blood, but oh well.

"What the hell!" Naruto finally manages to shout as he flails his arms in panic.

I roll my eyes at him. "It's not that big of a deal. It's fine." Then I stick my finger into my mouth to suck the blood and spit it out.

...Maybe I shouldn't have done that. Who knows where that shuriken's been? What if I get a disease or—what if it was poisoned? Oh, great thinking, genius.

"Why the hell did you do that!?"

"I just wanted to try something." I barely pay attention to him as a look down at my still bleeding finger, curious. I know Naruto has accelerated healing because of Kurama, but do I? But I'm distracted by Naruto's panicking. Letting out a huff, I reach out and grab the front of Naruto's shirt, pulling him toward me, eliciting a shout of protest from him. "I'm fine."

"But—!"

Before he can say anything more, I stand on the tip of my toes to kiss his forehead. I pull away to look at Naruto's stunned face.

"I said I'm fine so I'm going to be fine," I say with finality. "...Thanks for worrying, though."

Naruto breaks out of his astonishment, his face flushing red. He mumbles something under his breath, turning his face away, but I can't understand him.

I roll my eyes again and bend over to collect our booty. "We should get going. It's getting late."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Naruto replies as he squats to help me.

I pause in the middle of rerolling the scroll. Is that sass I'm hearing from him? Quickly rolling up the scroll, I reach over and use it to hit Naruto's backside. He jumps in surprise, letting out a squeal as he teeters and almost falls. His hand flails out and grabs onto the nearest object, which is unfortunately me, causing us to both fall over, scattering weapons around us. I let out a wheeze as a fall on my side, winded.

Once I get my breath back, I roll over and smack Naruto's stomach. "Ass."

"You started it!"

My response of "Yeah, yeah, whatever" has us rolling in laughter, even though it's not that funny. Eventually we get up, smiles on our faces, and re-gather our scavenged items.

And by the time we return to the apartment, there's barely a sign that I cut my finger.

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Half a year since we last saw him, Yamori reappears. And.

And I don't know how to feel about that. I feel disappointed. But then, when did I get so attached to him? It's a bad habit of mine, from Before, becoming emotionally attached to people. It's so easy for them to abandon you, for you to abandon them. I don't have to worry about it as much with Naruto, because we're twins, and this is Naruto, who grows to love a village that hates him and vilified him as a child. Who rescues people, even enemies, from others and from themselves. Who knows what it's like to be hurt and alone, and doesn't want that for other people. (So different from me I'm probably the worse choice for his sibling so why—)

In contrast, I know nothing about Yamori, except that he's part of Anbu and was assigned to guard us (is still assigned to guard us? I don't know), and that he's probably going against some type of rule or law whenever he reveals himself to us. Unless that's some sort of calculation on the Hokage's part. Or Yamori's. To ingratiate himself with us. Or something.

So.

I don't know.

But I—I did miss him, the jackass.

(But I don't trust him. I don't trust him enough to tell him about the Old Lady, I don't trust him because surely he knows but he hasn't done anything and how am I supposed to trust him? How am I supposed to trust someone whose face I've never seen?)

So I allow Naruto to drag me over to him and give him a hug, though his legs are all that we reach, so we just latch onto his legs, one for each of us. Yamori probably finds it annoying, which is a plus. Maybe.

It's one of the rare days where Old Lady's out, doing whatever the hell she does when's not here, so Naruto doesn't bother being quiet in his greeting.

"Where the hell were you, you bastard!" he sobs into Yamori's leg.

Which. Um.

So maybe I'm a bad influence. And I've yet to learn to completely sensor myself. And I definitely had a potty mouth problem, Before. Still have a potty mouth problem.

...I try to sensor myself. I really do. (And isn't it revealing, what type of person I was Before, that I knew curse words in a language I only barely knew through anime and manga?)

Yamori pauses in the middle of reaching down to detach us and I can practically sense him mentally scrambling to remember if he ever cursed in front of us, to make sure the blame can't be placed on him. He hasn't. But that won't stop me from blaming him, if it comes to it (and I'll get Naruto to back me up, if I have to).

"I apologize," he settles on, choosing to ignore Naruto's cursing (at least for now), and ruffling our hair. "I was on a mission."

Which is a bit alarming, unless he's not actually part of our guard and only visits us on his time off, because. Well. It's better if I don't think about it.

"Don't care," Naruto murmurs into the pant leg.

I contemplate slobbering on the one in my grip in revenge, but think better of it because Naruto and I already have a plan for that. Sort of. But I don't let go, and neither does Naruto, so Yamori will have to walk with us attached to his legs. Instead, he slumps to the ground, eliciting a yelp from us.

"I see you missed me," Yamori deadpans.

"Yeah," I respond.

"A lot!" Naruto shouts, thumping his fist against Yamori's hip.

The Anbu makes a small sound (a grunt?), scratching the back of his head.

"I do not supposed you two will release me any time soon?"

"You didn't even say goodbye," I pout, while Naruto shouts his protest.

"No way!"

With a sigh, Yamori tries to pull us off, but we just cling tighter. I'm doing this because I want something, but I know Naruto genuinely missed the bastard (I missed him, too, but I'll never admit it. It'll hurt too much when he leaves again) and he's hoping this will convince him to stay with us longer and more often. I don't know if it will work, but Naruto's optimistic (he's almost always optimistic, though, so that isn't really saying much).

Yamori tilts his head upwardheavenward, sighs, and asks in a resigned voice, "What do I have to do to get you two off—" Naruto thumps his fist against Yamori's hip, hard "—to forgive me?"

Looking up at the Anbu in unison, we give him the widest puppy eyes we can, and say:

"Teach us to use chakra/chatara!"

...Cue exasperation.

"Chakra, Naruto!"

"Yeah, that! That's what I said!"

And—would you believe it—mister calm and collected (even though half the time he never seems to know how to react to us) bursts out laughing. Naruto openly gapes at him, and maybe I do, too, because he's never been so open around us. He's never laughed like this before. Sure, he's let out a laugh or a chuckle, but never full-blown, body shaking laughter.

And then Naruto's smiling because he's happy, because here is a person who genuinely likes him and.

And maybe that makes me a little jealous. But I'll forgive Yamori, just this once, because the next thing I hear is:

"Okay, I'll teach you."

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He doesn't teach us right away, though. Not how to use it, at least. First, we're interrupted by Old Lady (and when the hell did she come back?), who comes storming in ready to—well, ready to beat us for being loud. But then she sees Yamori and she turns purple in rage, sputters, and flees the house. Which. It's really suspicious. But Yamori doesn't follow her, doesn't do anything. Just stands there, for a while.

Maybe he's thinking, maybe he's shocked. I don't know. But Naruto's quick to pull him out of thought (he always is).

"Hey, hey! You said you'd teach us chat—chakra!"

Yamori doesn't visibly shake himself or anything, but there's a second's delay, like he's collecting himself, and then he's responding.

"Right. Have you unlocked your chakra yet?"

...Unlock your chakra? Is that a prerequisite? Is that why nothing happened the one time I tried to stick a piece of paper to my forehead (and Naruto looked at me funny but copied me anyway and pouted when it just fell, god he's so fucking cute)? And. And would kids our age even be able to unlock their chakra?

Well. There is Kakashi, who became a genin at what? Five? And Itachi who unlocked his Sharingan at around the same age (1).

When he meets with equally blank stares from the both of us, he sits in front of us and makes us sit up straight. He's entering lecture mode, probably.

He clears his throat before he starts speaking.

"All people are born with chakra. However, not everyone can access or use their chakra. To do this, one must first unlock it. This is done in two ways: either naturally or forcibly. However, there are risks with both methods.

"Chakra can be unlocked naturally at any moment of one's lifetime, between when they are born to when they die. It is possible to never unlock your chakra. There is also the possibility of unlocking ones chakra and not knowing.

"A person who naturally unlocks their chakra but does not know that they have unlocked it may use it unconsciously. This may lead to chakra exhaustion and even death. Many ninja must undergo extensive training until they can use their chakra effectively to enhance their body, speed, or strength.

"In contrast to naturally unlocking ones chakra, there is risk in forceful unlocking. Some may die from the shock, others are overwhelmed by the feel of chakra, and there are even a few who die because the person unlocking their chakra uses too much force. This is why only qualified people are allowed to unlock chakra. It is also recommended for this to be done when a child is between six to eight years old and by their assigned Academy teacher, who is qualified for such a process."

Here, Yamori pauses to gauge our reactions.

Naruto, predictably, zoned out toward the beginning of his speech. He's fidgeting restlessly in his seat, fiddling with a stray toy kunai. All he's probably heard is "blah blah chakra blah blah blah chakra chakra chakra."

I'm suitably terrified, though I can't seem to get my face to make the correct expression, because what if something bad happens to Naruto when he unlocks his chakra? What if something bad happens to me? If one of us dies or are unable to use chakra or—or I don't know.

...If he hasn't already unlocked it. Which. He probably has. Because of Kurama.

But what about me?

"Question," I say, raising my hand to humor Yamori's lecture/teacher mode. Yamori nods. "How can you tell if someone has already unlocked their chakra?"

"Good question. There are multiple ways. One is to have someone who can sense or see chakra examine the person. Unfortunately, I am not one. Another is to try chakra control exercises to feel for and access one's chakra, which we will now—Naruto, stop stabbing the floor."

Naruto pauses, mid stab, and stares up at Yamori with wide blue eyes and guh, I can't go against those eyes, so I quickly look away. Yamori must have more willpower than I do, though, because Naruto is soon pushing the toy weapon away and straightening from his previous slouch. He grins widely.

Yamori starts talking again, this time while keeping a close eye on Naruto (or, at least I think he is. It's hard to tell what he's doing behind that mask, but his face is tilted more toward Naruto than previously).

"The first step is for you to meditate—yes, Naruto, that includes you. I will not teach you how to use chakra until you meditate."

Here, Naruto grumbles but doesn't protest because while meditation is something he definitely doesn't want to do, he still really wants to learn how to use chakra. Though, when I look at him again, I see him raising his hand.

"Question!" he shouts, and continues on without waiting for acknowledgement. "What's 'meditate' mean?"

This.

This is going to be a long day.

After Yamori gets Naruto to understand what meditation is, and then get him into compliance to be taught, and us into comfortable positions, Yamori finally coaches us through.

"Relax. Close your eyes. Focus on your breathing, but do not try to control it. Let your breathing happen naturally. Follow the path of your breathing through your body. Do not think about anything except for your breathing."

This reminds me a bit of shavasana from the yoga class I took once, which eventually became relaxing enough that I started to fall asleep during it, even though it only lasted ten minutes. Thank god I chose not to lay on my back, unlike Naruto, who may actually have fallen asleep. Instead I'm sitting in lotus position, back straight, hands on knees. Which is a bit more difficult than I thought it would be, in this small body.

...And I need to stop thinking.

Focus on my breathing. Feel it flowing through me. In and out.

After a minute more of silence, Yamori starts talking again.

"Can you feel an energy deep in your stomach? It should feel warm. Try to bring that warmth out of your stomach. Make it follow the path of your breathing. Into your chest, through your limbs. Try to coax it to your right hand."

Locating it isn't hard.

It's weird, though. A good kind of weird. Warm, like Yamori said. But a different type of warmth than Naruto and Kurama. Mine.

Making it move, at first, is difficult. Like it doesn't want to move, like it's saying, no thank you, I like it here very much. It takes a while, but I get a trickle to move, up up up into my chest, and more follows, like opening a crack in a rock to let some water pass and then more and more water pours out. Everywhere it goes through tingles, warms, but not altogether unpleasantly. It dissipates before I can get it into my arm, but it's a start.

I'm about to try again when Naruto, when Kurama, warms up, more than usual, heating hot hot hot ablaze. Yamori makes a startled noise and I open my eyes in time to see his hand jerk toward his hip pouch and his other hand flutter next to him as if to make hand seals or hand signs. And I stand, quickly, and turn to Naruto who's still laying down but there's red around him, red consuming him red he is red he is he is—

He is tapping into Kurama's chakra unconsciously and Yamori thinks he's a threat and I have to stop him I have to do something I have to. Before Yamori does.

"Naruto!" I bark.

And the red dissipates, pops like a balloon, gets sucked right back into him like an implosion. And Naruto jolts up, blinking slowly, looking at me in confusion. He doesn't realize what he's done, doesn't know how people will react to him accessing Kurama's chakra, and we're just kids—I can't protect him.

So I quickly turn back to Yamori and I widen my eyes and I ask:

"What was that? Was that chakra?"

And I ignore the kunai in his hand as much as I can, but I move so that I'm blocking Naruto's view of it because he'll be so so devastated if he realizes Yamori was about to attack him, might still attack him. Because too many adults attack him attack us already and it'll be so heartbreaking for him because he likes Yamori. He really really likes Yamori (I do too but does that matter who even cares about my opinion Naruto's the important one Naruto's the one who didn't fuck up so much—).

Yamori pauses, probably debating what he should do, before he slowly, oh so slowly, lowers the weapon. But he doesn't put it away, he doesn't fucking put it away. So I turn back toward Naruto and latch onto him and smile at his confused face.

"Was that chakra?" I ask him, mindful of the lethal shinobi at my back but unwilling to leave Naruto open for attack.

"Um," Naruto mumbles, "...Maybe?"

And then he turns his bright wide eyes toward Yamori, hopeful.

How the hell you gonna react to that, Yamori? You gonna attack that face? Look at that face!

...And maybe I'm reacting a little strong, and maybe I'm a little hysterical, but don't I have a right? There's a member of Anbu here contemplating killing my twin brother because his—our—dad (and isn't that just sad he chose the village over his family what kind of person does that) decided to seal a god damned monster in his newborn baby's stomach!

Oh god oh god oh shit oh god don't kill Naruto please don't kill Naruto don't (leave me alone please don't leave me alone don't) kill him don't don't please just—

Yamori nods his head slowly, placing his kunai back into his pouch.

"Yes," he says, and that fucker his voice doesn't waver at all doesn't even hint at his almost-homicide is that what Anbu are like I need those skills I'll need them. "But yours is special, Naruto."

"Special?" Naruto asks, his eyes widening even more, so wide I can see Yamori reflected in them. I didn't even know that was possible.

The Anbu squats in front of us, hand slowly reaching out and poking Naruto in the stomach, making him burst into giggles. I can't help but let a giggle out, and maybe a bit of my hysteria shows, because Yamori pokes my stomach, too, which makes me laugh even more.

He waits calmly for us to stop laughing before he continues.

"I do not know everything about it, but you have two types of chakra. The one you used just now, the red one, is very dangerous. You should never use it."

Naruto's eyes are wide again, this time in fear. I tighten my hold on him in reassurance, wishing all the while I can refute Yamori, because Naruto will need that chakra, will need Kurama, and if Yamori tells Naruto not to use it he might actually listen and then where will all of us be when Gaara attacks when Pein invades when—fucking Obito fucking Madara—there's the Fourth Shinobi War? I'll tell him otherwise, I'll try to convince him that it's not true, but I don't know if Naruto will listen to me. I'm his sister, his peer, not an authority figure, and adult, like Yamori.

"How dangerous?" my twin asks in a wavering voice.

Shit. Shit shit shit god damn shit. Naruto don't listen to him, don't don't. It's true it's dangerous but you can learn to control it to use it to be friends with Kurama.

No, actually.

Actually. They'll deserve it, if Naruto never uses Kurama's chakra. They'll deserve it. They shouldn't rely on Naruto. What does Naruto owe these people? They've treated him like dirt like he's nothing like they can just keep kicking him down and it'll be okay. They'll keep hurting him and hurting him and then they'll treat him like a weapon like something to be used and discarded.

But he's not. He's not. He should be treated better like a human like someone who fucking matters because he does, and what does he owe them, anyway? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

We'll leave here. When we're older, when we're stronger and more skilled, I'll take Naruto and leave this place. They don't deserve him. They don't.

So I don't say anything. I keep quiet and I listen as Yamori speaks lies lies filthy lies. (But they're not lies because it is dangerous, it is, and Naruto can't control it yet might not be able to control it for years who knows how long but that's okay because even if he hurts me it's okay because death isn't the worse that can happen it's the furthest from the worst and I've died before anyway I'm still—)

I feel like I'm watching on from outside my body. Watching a little girl clutching her twin brother close as someone her brother trusts tells him that something inside him, part of himself, is dangerous and shouldn't be used and.

And I feel myself whooshing back in when I have the thought: will he tell the Hokage, will they keep a tighter watch on us, will Jiraiya be called in to check on the seal, will Yamori stop teaching us?

By the time I start listening again (too late no clue what he said, what Naruto said), Yamori's finished talking and Naruto is nodding as gravely as a four year old can. My grip on Naruto unconsciously tightens before I force myself to let go and turn back toward the Anbu.

"Will you teach us more?" I ask hesitantly. Can't trust him, but he's valuable. And if he likes us, if he comes to really like us, he might keep our secrets, might become of more use. And Naruto needs all the allies he can get.

Yamori doesn't move. But Naruto looks at him, blue eyes bright with unshed tears, a frown tugging at his lips, and I can practically hear Yamori cave.

"Yes," he says with a sigh. "Just... not today."

Naruto looks half relieved, half disappointed. I am, too, though for different reasons. It means he'll continue teaching us, that he might not tell anybody that Naruto can access Kurama's chakra. It's a start.

We should definitely use the innocent children angle more often, though. To ease his mind. Or something. But what the hell is an innocent child like? ...Maybe Naruto can think of something.

I turn my head and give Naruto a long look, which he is quick to return. We don't actually say anything through our eyes, we don't know how to, but somehow Naruto picks up on what I want. And isn't that amazing. I wonder if it's a twin thing (and that thought still startles me, that we're twins, that I'm a twin. Will I ever get used to it)?

So he turns back to face Yamori, eyes shining with mischief this time, and says:

"Hey, hey! Teach me how to make things go boom!"

...Or maybe not. I think I'll go find a corner to retreat to, hopefully with a new book Yamori brought.

.

.

There's a face in the mirror, frowning. A distorted image (low quality mirror, cheap). Red hair, like I always wanted, like the color I used to dye my hair Before, except real. Blue eyes? Dark, though. Maybe purple. It's hard to tell without a better quality mirror.

But it's a child's face and a child's body, reflected to me. It's mine. Intellectually I know it's mine, and the reflection follows my movements, but it doesn't feel like me.

(Dark hair dark eyes Asian short with short hair and glasses a perpetually frowning face all gone dead doesn't exist did it ever exist?)

I only vaguely resemble Naruto. We look like we can be related, siblings or cousins, but not like twins (fraternal twins not identical which should be obvious since I'm a girl and Naruto's a boy but originally Naruto never had a sister or a sibling or anything so—). It's only a passing resemblance. We don't even have the same coloring, my red hair to his blonde and my dark eyes to his bright ones, though I suppose our skin shade is similar.

Thank god I'm not a blonde, though. I don't what I would have done. Probably kill myse—

.

.

Yamori's "teachings" are enough to get me started on trying to control my chakra. I'm afraid of letting Naruto try again, unsupervised, because what if someone senses it and thinks the Kyuubi is acting up or surfacing and attacks us?

So I have to find ways to try and access my chakra, to mold and control it, without Naruto knowing what I'm doing. And I feel a little guilty about it, but more than that, I'm freaking worried about what might happen if he tries, too.

Unfortunately, the only time I can practice is at night while Naruto is dead asleep (and that'll be dangerous when he's older not that I can say anything but eventually we'll have to learn to sleep lightly and it's not something I'm looking forward to) and my body wants to sleep, too, because this is a child's body and children need sleep. But this body doesn't sleep as long as I used to Before, when everything made me so so tired, this body has more energy and it takes more to tire it out, not that it's a problem with Naruto around but—

I close my eyes and focus on my breathing and try to stop thinking because I need to practice.

I feel for that place deep in my belly, reach for that warmth. It's easier to find it than the first time, though still a bit reluctant to move. But eventually I coax it out of my stomach and up up up to my chest and back down except through my right arm and toward my hand but then—pop!

And the connection breaks.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong. I'm not sure. But I should be able to get it to reach my hand, shouldn't I? So I try it again, and again, and again. And then I get fed up and I pull and pull and pull until there's so much chakra and I move it up my chest and down my arm but it doesn't tingle it burns but I want to get this I want to get it to reach my hand. And finally my hand's tingling except it's burning and it hurts oh god it hurts why does it hurt?

My vision is blurring and there's so much pain but there's nothing I can do and god what a stupid thing to do so so stupid you're such an idiot. Oh god the pain make it stop make itstopstop stop.

And I black out.

.

.

A/N:

1 Itachi actually activates his Sharingan when he's nine, so at this point in the story hasn't happened yet, but will in the next few months.

Please don't take Renge's word as gospel. She's an unreliable narrator and slightly unhinged and she used to have shit memory in her previous life so she misremembers some things and comes to incorrect conclusions.

Also, quick question: Are the chapter lengths ok? Or are they too long? I'm having trouble deciding if this is a good length or not.

You guys. You guuuuuys. You don't know how happy I am that people are actually interested in this story. I love you guys so much. So much. Er, sorry for being a bit emotional, but half of me is afraid people will think this is crap. So, yeah...

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