Chapter 5: Look up to the skies
.
.
We don't wait long.
There's a knock on the door and then the person on the other side opens it without waiting for a response. It's Yamori. He steps inside, closing the door behind him, and stares at us. We stare back. There's a sniffle—I sniffle—and then Yamori's kneeling in front of us, hugging us, and we're hugging him and I'm crying and Naruto's crying and.
God, Naruto said he's one of the people who rescued us. He saved my life. After everything, after all the doubt and suspicions I've had about him, he fucking saved us. And I know it's his job and he'd be in a shit ton of trouble if he didn't, but. But he's really relieved to see us alive. He's not faking this. I can feel him shaking under my hands. He might be crying. Jesus. A crying Anbu. You don't see one of those every day.
And god my horrible sense of humor; what is wrong with me? I bite my lip to stop myself from laughing, half hysterical, and pull back to scrub the tears from my face. Naruto pulls away, too, sniffling still, and I quirk my lips as I reach over and wipe his face. We've got a Hokage to go see. Can't show up all tear- and snot-faced.
Yamori breaks the silence. "The Hokage is waiting."
We nod and hop off the bed and stand next to Yamori, who's still kneeling. I tilt my head, curious, and open my mouth to ask, when he loops his arms around our knees and under our butts and picks us up. I let out a squeak matched by Naruto as Yamori stands.
And then he moves to the window and moves Naruto toward it. It takes a moment, but Naruto gets the hint and opens the window (what's up with Yamori and windows, anyway), and then we're out, as Yamori jumps onto the windowsill then propels himself toward the nearest roof. His feet touch the tiled roof for barely a fraction of a second before we're up in the air again. Each jump creates that bottom-dropping sensation in my stomach, leaving me feeling queasy. Naruto, in contrast, lets out a whoop of joy. But it takes us barely any time to reach the Academy, where the Hokage's office is located.
Yamori lands in front of the Administration Building and places us gently on our feet. We both wobble a bit, disoriented, though Naruto's quicker to recover than I am. We automatically grip each other's hand. Soon we're making our way into the building and winding our way up to the top. We barely pass anyone and those we do pass barely even glance at us.
At the top is a wide, open waiting area with a desk and two doors, though there are no chairs except for the one behind the desk. A woman, probably the Hokage's secretary, sits behind the desk. As soon as she sees us, she gives a grim smile and motions toward one of the doors.
"The Hokage's expecting you."
Nervous, bile tries to claw its way up my throat, but I swallow it back. Stress always makes me want to puke.
Yamori gives her a brief nod before knocking curtly on the door. If there is a signal and I just don't hear it, or Yamori opens the door without waiting for one, I don't know. But Yamori waits only a second before he pushes us through. Naruto and I inch forward only enough for Yamori to stand behind us and close the door. Usually I wouldn't feel secure with Yamori towering so close behind us, but today it reassures me. I don't feel secure at all. I feel... I don't know how I feel.
Empty? Apprehensive? Maybe I'm in shock. I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm tired, but I don't know if I'll be able to fall asleep anytime soon. I don't feel safe enough. If I hadn't thrown myself at Old Lady...
My grip on Naruto's hand tightens. Naruto squeezes back.
I take a deep, steadying breath and take a quick survey of the room we're in. It's open, and circular, with little furniture, with one part of the wall almost completely made up of windows. (A spacious office with barely anything in it. No furniture for guests. A statement? A power-play?) Directly across from us is a desk with neat piles of paperwork on it. Sitting behind the desk is the Sandaime Hokage, sunlight illuminating him.
He's staring at us with indiscernible eyes, fingers interwoven in front of him, hiding the lower half of his face. Without meaning to, I press back, up against Yamori's legs. The last time we saw the Hokage, he'd left us with Old Lady. She's the second caretaker we've been left with, and look at what happened both times! Part of me blames the Hokage.
Why couldn't he have vetted these people better? Why didn't he ever remove us from their custody before it was too late? Surely our Anbu guards must have reported how we were treated! Yamori must have, at least. Right?
As doubt for Yamori edges into me again, I pull away from him.
Naruto's been silent the whole time. It's making me worried. When I glance at him, I see he doesn't know what to do. Logically, he knows who the Hokage is, though he might not remember meeting him. He probably doesn't know how he's supposed to act in this type of situation, or what will happen if he does something wrong. So far the two elders we've been in contact with have treated us badly. Who's to say the Hokage won't, either? And besides, he's the leader of this village. Why would he want to meet with us? Naruto doesn't know that the Hokage's invested in him, that he knew Naruto's—our—parents, and Yamori's one of the few people watching over us. "Guarding" us.
Naruto might actually be waiting for me to take lead. So I suck it up, set aside all my worries and doubts, take a half-step forward, and bow. "Hokage-sama."
Naruto follows my lead, though his movements are clumsier than mine in his hesitance. I only hold the bow for a few seconds before I'm looking up again. The Hokage's scrutinizing us. His expression turns… sad? Why is he sad?
Oh. We don't really act like most four year olds, do we? He must think it's because of what happened to us. Which is partially true. And I remember from the manga that he'd had a soft spot for Naruto. (Just like his soft spots for Orochimaru and Danzou; my thoughts turn insidious.) Except that was from a manga and this is real life. He may just be faking it. Or, maybe he's sad that his weapon was almost killed.
Or maybe he is sincere. I don't know. But before my thoughts can continue in a downward spiral, the Hokage lets out a sigh.
"Naruto. Renge. I'm glad to see you two out of the hospital," he says, moving his hands away from his face to show a small smile, though his brows are still furrowed. "What Kinoshita-san did is very wrong." Kinoshita-san? Who's Ki—oh, he means Old Lady. "I'm sorry that she hurt you. She was arrested and will be punished for her crimes."
Well, I would hope so. If she isn't sent to prison I'll—well, I don't know what exactly I will do. Probably take matters into my own hands. Maybe even poison her. That would serve her right. (And I should probably feel guilty about contemplating murder, except I've contemplated killing people before. Except I might actually go through with it this time.)
Then he runs a hand down his face, sorrow shining through. He pushes away from the desk and stands, turning to face the window behind him. He's hesitating to say something, but what?
"I know this will be difficult, but I wish for you to understand her actions. Maybe one day you will be able to forgive her." He turns back to face us, walking around the desk to approach us. I tense without meaning to. I don't want him anywhere near me, near us. Especially with what he's saying. He kneels before us, oddly subdued for such an important figure. "Kinoshita-san lost her family the day you two were born. A lot of people lost their families that day, including you two. But it doesn't excuse what she did—what she tried to do.
"Truthfully, many are still mourning. Their grief controls them, making them say and do things they don't mean. Please, don't hold it against them."
Seriously? Is he... is he listening to the words coming out of his mouth? Don't hold it against them? What a fucking joke.
God, he makes me sick.
Of course I'm going to hold it against them! Those fuckers can't see past their fucking preconceptions to realize that Naruto isn't the fucking Kyuubi, that he's just a little kid—the kid of their fucking "hero!" Naruto should be their fucking hero. He's the one Kurama's sealed inside of, the one who has to shoulder the burden of being a jinchuuriki, of being hated for something he never had a choice in.
And the Hokage's banking on a child's naivety and innocence for Naruto to "overcome" this incident. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. What four year old is okay with almost being murdered? In what world do you ask that four year old to forgive their wanna-be murderer because she's grieving!? This one, apparently.
But I don't say anything. I bite my lip to stop myself from saying what I want to. Naruto's silent, too. His grip on my hand tightens. When I glance at him from the corner of my eye, he's frowning. He doesn't accept what the Hokage says, either. Good.
Perhaps sensing our unwillingness to listen to him make excuses for others, the Hokage sighs. He reaches out his hand slowly toward Naruto. I have to resist the urge to knock it away, to pull Naruto away from him. I watch, tense, as the Hokage lays his hand on Naruto's head and pets him. Naruto's face becomes lax in shock, before he starts leaning into the Hokage's hand. Naruto's always liked having his head petted for whatever reason.
"I'm sorry. You've been through a lot already. I shouldn't be asking anything more from you." The Hokage looks to both of us as he retracts his hand. For a moment he looks like he might pet my head, too, so I glower at him. He gives me a sad smile. "I've called you two here today to ask what you wish to do."
I jolt. What? What does he mean, what we wish to do? Naruto and I share a confused glance. We look back to the Hokage, who stand and walks back to his desk without saying anything more.
"What do you mean?" I blurt without meaning to. I almost bite my tongue in my haste to shut my mouth. What the hell? I was going to let him talk himself out before saying anything, but my impatience is rearing its ugly head. I've always hated it when people are too longwinded.
The Hokage turns his head toward us, though he keeps his body facing his desk. He picks up a folder and holds it up so that we can see it. "I know you two are having trouble with the citizens of Konoha. The way they react to you two is... not good." That's an understatement, but I force myself not to interrupt. "Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about their attitude. However, there is something the two of you can do."
He walks back toward us, folder in hand, and extends it to us. I nudge Naruto into taking it so that I can keep most of my attention on the Hokage. Naruto doesn't hesitate to open the folder, his curiosity influencing him. I glance at the folder to see what's inside.
The top page is a lease for an apartment. Underneath that is... an application to attend the Academy.
Oh.
But we're four! Did this happen to the Naruto I read about? Is that why he'd gone through the graduation exams three times?
I get that attending the Academy will allow us to learn to protect ourselves, but why is the Hokage suggesting—no I shouldn't jump to conclusions. Hear him out.
When I return my full attention to the Hokage, he's returned to his seat behind his desk, waiting patiently for us. When did that happen? I nudge Naruto, making him grunt and look at me. I nod toward the Hokage to transfer Naruto's attention. Once we're both looking at him, the Hokage starts talking again.
"With the way things ended with both of your caretakers, you two are in a delicate position, as I'm sure you would not want a similar... situation to happen again. Right now the two of you have two options: either live in an orphanage or enroll in the Academy and live on your own. If you choose to live on your own, you will still have someone with guardianship over you, though he will only need to check in on you two once a week."
Here, he pauses, giving us time to digest what he's said. It's... I'm not sure if that can actually be considered a choice. I mean, yes, we can decide to live in an orphanage. But that means surrounding ourselves with children and adults, many of them victims of the Kyuubi Attack. We'll only be subjected to more of the same treatment we've been receiving. No, it might even be worse.
On the other hand, living on our own will be difficult. I've never lived by myself before, and Naruto certainly hasn't. And then there's the Academy, where we'll learn how to become killers. I don't want that for us, even though we don't really have a choice about it—Naruto doesn't really have a choice.
But I suppose we'll have some freedom. A chance to learn to protect ourselves. And it will give us something to do besides try to avoid trouble (while causing trouble, because when do we not? Naruto's a trouble magnet and I'm not exactly a squeaky clean individual). I just... I wish we had more time.
But I don't want to be weak. I don't want the same thing to happen again. I don't want to be so vulnerable.
And.
Oh god. I almost died we almost died there was so much pain oh god it hurt so much I can't I can't I can't please just make it stop make it stop someone help please just—
There's a squeezing sensation around my hand.
Naruto's clutching my hand tightly. He must have sensed my distress. And god, it really isn't a choice, is it? If I don't get stronger, if we don't get stronger, who knows what will happen next time. And there's guaranteed to be a next time. Naruto will have so many enemies, so many people he fights against. And we'll both need to be stronger to be able to face them.
I don't want Naruto to die.
He's all I have, now.
When I turn my attention back to the Hokage, I've missed most of what he's said. Or maybe he hasn't said anything else. Maybe he sensed my distress as well. (I'll need to do something about that learn to hide my emotions don't give away anything to the enemy they're all enemies.)
He's talking again. "Whichever you choose, I'm hoping the two of you will come visit me once a month so that I can see how you are doing."
Naruto's looking at the Hokage, his expression unreadable. It scares me a bit, that I don't know what he's thinking. He'll chose the Academy, won't he? He'll want to get stronger, too. I... I remember, when Old Lady charged at him, Naruto froze. He couldn't do anything. I couldn't do anything. And I don't want that to happen again.
And Naruto said he wants to become a ninja. We both agreed to it earlier that day. This is an opportunity for us. Isn't it?
But what's the Hokage getting out of this?
I suppose bundling us off into the Academy means we'll be running around town less. He also won't have to find us another caretaker, or an orphanage willing to let us in. Is that it? That no one is willing to take care of us?
Or is he genuinely worried about us? About Naruto.
No, he must want his weapon to become stronger, to not let himself be trampled by mere citizens. That must be it. That has to be it.
(Because otherwise what has he been doing up until now? What has he done for us? Why did he allow this to happen to us he'll keep letting it happen they hate us they'll keep hating us I hate them hate hate hate him why why won't it stop make it stop)
My feelings are conflicted. I want to believe one thing, but I have my doubts. I wish I can trust the Hokage. I wish I can trust someone, anyone. But I can't. Not even Naruto, not yet. Not until he's older, when he can understand the importance of keeping a secret. (But I don't want to burden him more than he will be. But that won't be fair to him. But I'll be keeping secrets. I'll hurt him. I don't know. I don't know what I'll do.)
The Hokage's probably one of those Dumbledore types. For the "greater good" of his village. Even though he has soft spots for the worst type of people. Maybe... maybe he actually does have a soft spot for Naruto. For us? I know he cared for Minato, liked him and believed in him enough to make him the Fourth Hokage. And Naruto's Minato's son. Must look like Minato a lot. And isn't his personality similar to Kushina's?
...No, actually. Naruto's—different. He's not like his manga counterpart. Well, he is. But he's not as loud. He doesn't shout a lot, doesn't run around playing pranks on people or yelling "dattebayo." He's—oh. Is it my fault? Because Naruto has me, has Yamori, too. He doesn't need to go around shouting for attention. He already has attention and, dare I say it, love. Because I do love him, the idiot. I don't know what I'd do without him. No, I do know what I'd do. (Just like I did Before just like I'll do if I ever lose him I won't lose him I won't.) But he's similar enough. Fundamentally similar. Right?
I don't know anymore.
My head is starting to hurt, so I try to distract myself. I turn away from where I'd been aimlessly staring in thought to look at Naruto, see his expression. He looks determined.
"Naruto?" I ask. I'm pretty sure I know what his decision is, but I want him to say it out loud. For him to confirm it. Seal our fate. Ha.
Naruto nods his head, once. "We'll attend the Academy. We already said we'll become ninja, anyway." Then he proves himself to be my great, amazing brother by finishing up with: "And don't worry, jiiji (1), we'll visit and make sure you aren't too lonely! This place looks super boring!"
Looking at Naruto's grinning face to the Hokage's gob-smacked one just makes me crack up. I cover my mouth to try and stymie my laughter. Jiiji! God, that just. Makes me think of the Korean word for dirty. The baby word for dirty. Pfft.
Behind me, I can hear the sound of something dying. No. When I turn my head I see that it's Yamori. Which. I completely forgot he was there (dangerous, I let my guard down). He's... either resisting the urge to laugh or is exasperated at Naruto. I'm not sure which.
Eventually I calm down. The Hokage, who settles on humoring Naruto, makes us sign a few papers, and then explains that we missed the Academy Opening Ceremony a few days ago. Imagine that. ("I had a grandson. He's supposed to be graduating from the Academy today. But you—") We'll have two days to get used to our new apartment and to rest before we'll start attending. It's a bit of a rush, but maybe it's a sign of what we should expect from a career as shinobi. Short periods of adjustment.
Maybe he thinks the busywork will make us forget what happened to us. It won't.
But soon we're walking out of the Hokage's office, out the building, with our apartment key in hand (one for each of us). Yamori scoops us up, carries us again, jumping across the rooftops. I don't protest because honestly I'm tired. I feel too drained to do much walking. None of us say anything during the trip, the swooping sensation in my stomach rendering me unable to speak in fear of upchucking. Naruto's oddly quiet, but maybe that's to be expected.
I'm too tired to pay attention to what's happening, and before I know it we're in an apartment—our apartment, and I'm crawling into a futon. There's another one next to mine, but Naruto ignores it to crawl into mine as usual. I roll onto my back and I look up at Yamori, his masked face hovering creepily (comfortingly) over us, watching over us as my eyes grow heavier and heavier until—I'm asleep.
.
.
—Demon! You're supposed to be dead! Why aren't you dead—
I'm supposed to be dead why aren't I dead I remember the numbness and the pain so why does it still hurt why do I keep getting hurt—
We'll become shinobi—
I had a grandson—
Oh god the pain please let it end just let it end I just want it to end dead I'm supposed to be dead please let this punishment end—
Am I a monster—
Comfort where are you stop the pain please stop it Other oh god why why why—
I can't feel my fingers—
blooming fire on my cheek—
let it end letitendstopstopstop please why—
You're weak. Can't even protect yourself your brother can't protect anyone. It's your fault you died you wanted to die you'll die again and no one will mourn you.
Naruto. Where's Naruto?
He won't help you can't help you because he's dead you let him die. You killed him.
No. Nonononono stop lying stop it he's not dead he's not. I am. Dead. Dead dead dying dead.
Alive.
Alive living breathing hurting relying on a four year old how pathetic are you so weak so stupid repeating your mistakes over and over—
I'll get stronger we'll get stronger. He'll live living breathing hurting but happy and I'll be there for him live for him and—
And—
.
.
Thankfully our new apartment is nowhere near our old one. Unfortunately, the neighborhood is just as bad. It must have been hard to find a place that's willing to let us move in, though the Hokage probably started searching (or assigned someone else to search) for a place not long after he heard about what happened.
The complex is five stories, with our apartment on the fourth floor (and isn't that ominous), room 405. There's a bedroom, bathroom, kitchen/living room. Which is okay. Except the place is dilapidated, with cracks in the walls and chipping paint, and there's still no bed. The walls are a yellowish-white from old age and the bedroom door sticks one a bit. At least the place is semi-furnished. In the living room/kitchen is a couch, bookcase, fridge, oven, and dining table with chairs (unlike the floor table we're used to).
Maybe it's the morning light. Maybe it's the situation sinking in, but I just. I don't know what to do. Half of me wants to curl back up in bed and—cry, or something. The other half wants to go out and just punch something or someone. Just thinking about what happened—no, don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't don't don't it'll only make things worse and
Dead why aren't I dead why am I living why is this happening why why—
I don't know what to do about this place. Where do I even start? There's a long list of things we'll need to buy and only so much money. I don't even really know how to tell if something is reasonably priced or not. There are a few things already, like some toilet paper, toothbrushes and toothpaste, towels, a few kitchen appliances and dishes and utensils (for two four-year-old children to cook), and even some groceries in the fridge. Though I'm tempted to chuck the stuff in the fridge. I don't know if it's trustworthy. But would they really try to poison us?
Well...
First, I should probably make a list.
"Naruto!"
"Yeah?" Naruto's voice comes from our room where he's doing who-knows-what.
"Can you bring me paper and a pencil?" I ask.
I hear him grumble before there's the sound of shuffling, then Naruto hops out of the room to me, where I'm sitting in front of the couch, leaning against it. He holds the items out to me, but I only point at the floor in front of me. Naruto sticks his tongue out at me but complies, placing the items down, before sitting down next to me.
"Thanks."
Picking up the pencil, I write down:
"To Buy: toiletries, clothes, school supplies"
And then I draw a blank. What else? I don't... I don't know. I don't even know if we have enough money to buy everything we need.
"What'cha doing?" Naruto asks as he peeks over my shoulder at my list.
It's pretty self-explanatory, but I respond anyway. "Making a list of what we need to buy."
"Oh," he says. Then, "What's toi-re-tu-reesu?"
"Toiletries. Bathroom stuff, like shampoo, conditioner, soap, towels." Next to toiletries, I write the items down as I list them. But, hm. I'd automatically written an English word using kana. Well, at least I'm assimilating?
Is that a good thing?
...Probably. If I don't assimilate, I'll only cast suspicions on myself, and who knows what will happen to me. Being smart is one thing, but knowing things that there's no way for me to plausibly know? Previous Hokage's daughter or not, they'd probably cart me off to T&I. And I don't want that. I don't want to be separated from Naruto. And. If it came down to it, if it really came to it, I don't think I'd be able to kill myself, to prevent being tortured, to prevent my knowledge being used by others.
They'd abuse it. (And you wouldn't?) I don't even want it. I don't want to remember, not the story of a sister-less Naruto, not the life I had Before. I don't want any of it. Right now I just want to be Naruto's sister, a little girl with no worries. But that's not what I am, it's only half the truth.
"Neeeeeeee-san," Naruto whines, latching onto my arm and shaking me vigorously. I grunt in response, wondering if this is what my brother felt like, exasperated and annoyed, but also fond. If anyone else tried this with me, I'd probably kick their shin. Or something. It's annoying being short. Shins are pretty much the only place I can kick. And feet. Not that I'm not used to it. "Nee-san, I'm hungry!"
Right on cue, I can hear gurgling coming from Naruto's stomach. It reminds me that we haven't eaten anything since... Since.
I haven't eaten anything since I was poisoned. I—I don't. Oh god. No. No no no don't think about it.
Naruto. Naruto's hungry. We should make something to eat. I should? Yeah, because Naruto's never cooked before. And. And I might be bad at it, but it's better than nothing, right? (As long as I don't give us food poisoning.)
So I stand up and make my way to the fridge, Naruto excited bounding after me (and that kid seriously has too much energy), and look at what we have. Eggs, milk, green onions, onion, garlic, potatoes, some type of meat—beef?—chicken...
I can try making an omelet? I've never made one before, but it shouldn't be too hard, right?
"Put these on the counter," I tell Naruto as I hand him the milk and green onions.
"Okay!" Naruto shouts enthusiastically.
I can hear him running over to the kitchen counter, even though it's not that far from us, as I turn my back on him to get the eggs. Hmm. Is two enough? Well, Naruto has a large appetite, so maybe four….
When I glance over at the counter, I realize a glaring miscalculation on my part. I'm not tall enough to reach the counter. Naruto's barely manages to put the milk on it by standing on his tippy-toes.
Shit.
Now what? Well, there are chairs... So after putting the eggs on the counter, hoping they won't roll off, I get Naruto to help me drag a chair over. That helps, but now I realize we can't even reach any of the bowls or plates.
This. Ugh, this is going to be harder than I thought it would be.
Roughly twenty minutes later, after a harrowing trip half-climbing the shelves, we're eating slightly bland omelets-turned scrambled eggs. Or, at least Naruto's eating. I'm just staring at them. Intellectually I know I need to eat, and that it's highly unlikely that anything was poisoned, that I'm the one who made the food. But the possibility is still there.
But Naruto's eating and he's fine. But he was fine last time. But didn't he have to use the bathroom? So what? All the poison did was give him indigestion? What the fuck!
Letting out a huff of frustration, I start shoveling food into my mouth and force myself to eat. If it's poisoned, it's poisoned. If it's not, then it's not. I can't always be cautious of what I eat. And I do need food. You can't survive without eating. (But do you want to survive?)
I eat roughly half of what's on my plate before giving up and pushing it away. "Naruto."
"Mm?" Naruto responds through a mouth full of food.
"Where's the paperwork? The one the Hokage gave us?" I watch curiously as Naruto pauses mid-chew to think. Eventually he opens his mouth, food half-chewed, to talk. I scrunch my nose up in distaste.
"In our room! I think."
Letting out a sigh, I reach over to flick Naruto's nose, practically crawling onto the table to do so. "Don't talk with your mouth full."
Naruto's nose scrunches in pain, reflecting my earlier expression, as his free hand flies up to his nose, a short whine escaping him. I ignore his complaints as I push away from the table and hop out of the chair (and isn't that a pain in the ass, having to climb onto it and hop off it).
"Since I made the food, you get to do the dishes!"
"Hey! That's not fair!"
I don't bother responding to him.
The walk to our room is short.
Calling our room a "room" is a bit generous. There's barely enough room for the two futon laid out and the dresser. Though I suppose we can make more room by putting away one of the futon, since we only need one. It's nice curling up next to Naruto at night because he's like a furnace and this place doesn't seem to retain heat very well, especially at night. I woke up a few times last night, shivering (but it might have been from the nightmares the phantom pain the pulling skin on my cheek healing scarring), but Naruto was always a steady warmth next to me.
My feelings about Naruto are a mixed bag. At first, when I didn't understand what was happening, what had happened, I was grateful for him. He was a steadying presence. Still is. But. But now that I know. Now that I know that I'm alive, now that I know where and when I'm alive...
It's best not to think about it (like everything else? Like Before and Old Lady and the poison in your veins killing you the pain in your cheek the blood the clawing loneliness the cold the pain pain nothingness—).
The folder full of paperwork is on the dresser. Next to it is a coin purse in the shape of a frog. Except I don't remember receiving one. Did Yamori leave it behind last night? Or did… did someone come in and put it there? Did someone sneak in while we were sleeping? While we were eating?
I hurry over to the window to check it. Unlocked. But was it locked before? I don't know.
Damn it.
There's no way to know. Maybe we can set up a warning system, or a trap of some sort, though it'll have to be benign. Don't want Naruto to hurt himself with it. But while I'm in here, I might as well investigate the dresser. Who know, maybe there's clothes or something in there.
As it turns out, there's a few shirts in one drawer, pants in another, and underwear in the last. Along with, oddly enough, two red scarves. Curious, I touch them. They're soft, and obviously hand-knit. Where did they come from? Who knit them? Certainly not Yamori. Right? I mean, he doesn't seem the type...
Pfft. Now I'm imagining him sitting around Anbu headquarters, in his uniform and mask, knitting. I have to bite my knuckle to stop myself from bursting out in laughter. Shit. Bad thought.
Quickly I pick up the coin purse and the folder and escape back into the kitchen/living room. Where Naruto's making a mess of things. He's standing on a chair in front of the sink, which is overflowing with water and soap suds.
"Naruto, turn the water off!"
"Sorry!" he yells as he complies. He quickly scrambles off the chair to stand guiltily in front of me, his eyes downcast. His arms and the front of his shirt are completely water-soaked and covered in suds. He's managed to get some on his chin and forehead, too.
I bite my lip, unsure if I should scold him or laugh. I settle for neither. "Go clean yourself up. I'll do the dishes."
Naruto brightens and moves to hug me, but I'm quick to stop him. I don't want to get wet, too. I watch his retreating back as he runs to our room before turning toward the sink. Water and suds have overflowed onto the floor. I heave a sigh. At least the floor isn't carpeted.
Today is going to be a long day.
.
.
Eventually, we do go out and get some of the things we need—sans clothing since we already have some—though by the end of the trip we've blown through most of our budget for the month. I tried to split it up and set aside some of the money we have into categories, such as food, rent, and supplies, but I've never been the best at budgeting. Or math. So I don't know if what we have left will be enough to last us.
Well, if we really need to conserve money, I can go without some things. Like a few meals. But maybe I shouldn't have let Naruto buy some of the things he did. Like that nightcap that matches the coin purse (which he latched onto as soon as he saw it, proudly proclaiming it as his "Gama-chan"). God, why is this kid so cute! Seriously. I'm having too much trouble saying no to him.
Which is why I'm not so sure about my decision to let him hold onto the money. Not that I'll be able to separate him from his precious Gama-chan. But I think we were overcharged for about half the stuff we bought.
We're really going to have to figure out budgeting. Maybe Naruto will have better luck than me? I mean, manga-Naruto successfully lived on his own, so maybe my Naruto will have some of those skills?
...Yeah right. How would that even work? Through some wonky transitive property?
"Hey, Naruto?" I call out to my twin who's rolling around on the floor, bored out of his mind. He stops mid-roll and tilts his head at me. "We can't buy anything else this month, okay?"
Naruto's face scrunches in consideration. "But why?"
"We don't have a lot of money."
"We don't?" Naruto looks confused. He rolls fully toward me and sits up.
I let out a puff of air. "We only get so much each month from the Orphan Stipend."
"Orphan Stipend?"
"Yeah," I say with a nod. And wow, this kinda feels like game dialogue or something. A new question for each statement. "Money for people like us, who have no parents and live on their own, instead of in an orphanage." The paperwork the Hokage gave us covered this, and more.
"Oh." Naruto looks thoughtful. He sits quietly for a moment, deep in thought. "There are people like us?"
I resist the urge to tense. He's probably asking because of how the villagers treat us. If there are more people like us, then that should mean there are more people who are treated like us. Which is true, though not in the sense he's thinking. People don't treat us badly because we're orphans (and isn't that a weird thought, still. Being an orphan. I don't know what I would have done if I'd been reborn with parents. But that doesn't mean I agree with Kushina's and Minato's actions). People treat us badly because Naruto's a jinchuuriki. Because they're assholes.
I can't tell Naruto any of this, though. He's too young to understand fully. To keep a secret, because him knowing—me telling him—will have to be a secret. So I can't tell him. Not yet. Maybe I can test him, tell him a harmless "secret," see if he tells anyone.
First I'll have to tell him a half-truth. "There are a lot of orphans. A lot of people died the day we were born, like—like Old Lady's family."
Naruto falls silent again, lost in thought. I slump across the couch. Eventually Naruto migrates next to me on the couch, where I lean against him, automatically seeking out his warmth.
We're silent for a while, both of us deep in thought. After a while, I speak. "Hey, can I tell you a secret?"
"Hm?" Naruto turns his head a little to squint at me.
"When we're older, I want to write a book."
Naruto reels back, making me almost fall over. I catch myself by grabbing the back of the couch. "A book? What about becoming a ninja!"
"...I'll do that too," I say with a sigh.
.
.
I'm sleeping, warm but a bit uncomfortable because this is a new place and it's so so different from our old place, smaller and older. I'm sleeping, but I'm not.
Because it's like I'm on the cusp of a realization, like my brain won't completely shut down, like it's still gibbering at me, words undecipherable in my sleepiness.
And then I'm not sleeping, because my notes! My god damned notes! I shouldn't have written them shouldn't have put them down in words shouldn't have left them there taped to the bottom of the drawer.
Because—because they're still there. They're still there and someone might find them and read them and figure it out because it's not a hard code and these are shinobi I'm dealing with. Or. Or someone already found them. And they're already decrypting them.
Which.
What the fuck. What the fuck am I going to do!? What?
Oh god oh god oh god now what oh god—
.
.
I didn't get much sleep last night, evidenced by the dark circles under my eyes and the yawns intermittently escaping my mouth. After the freak out over my notes, I panicked for a while about the fact that I'm going to school again I thought I was done with that and oh god I'm going to be surrounded by kids.
Then after a very short, restless sleep, I'd spent more time than I should have standing in front of the mirror and just staring at my reflection, telling myself: you're Uzumaki Renge, you have red hair and blue-purple eyes, and you're four years old. Over and over and over.
Because I still have trouble remembering that that's who I am now. Sometimes I feel like I'm no one, sometimes I feel like I'm just dreaming this all up. But I know I'm not. The pain I felt, the throbbing scar on my face, hidden behind gauze and tape, the four years of living in this god awful world, tells me that this isn't a dream.
And it sucks.
Naruto has yet to notice any of this in his excitement, his mouth split in such a wide smile it hurts to look at, incessantly tugging on my hand to get me to move quicker. He's babbling at a speed too quick for me to follow, though he doesn't seem to mind my inattention.
Naruto, I've learned over the years, is a morning person. I'm not. I certainly wasn't Before, and even now I find it a struggle to wake up so early in the morning. Naruto's all too happy to be my alarm clock, jumping on me and shaking me and yelling at me to wake up. Sometimes I think he takes pleasure in my pain.
I wish I can take some of Naruto's enthusiasm and make it my own. I wish I am excited to go to the Academy. I mean, it's the place you get to learn to be a ninja! Except. Except it means little kids, belittling teachers who drone on and on, and ugh. The ever so dreaded school work and tests.
(And eventually we'll all go out and kill kill kill because that's what ninjas do that's what we'll do. For the village—screwthevillagecurseitcursethemIwon'tbe used I won't be a pawn)
I thought I'd escaped all of that when—when I died. I thought I'd never have to do any more homework, write another essay, or sit through another exam or test. Yet, here I am about to subject myself to more torture.
Not that I have much of a choice.
Eventually we reach the Academy, Naruto dragging me the whole way, where we hesitate. I'm not actually sure what we're supposed to do now. Where do we go? As we stand there, unsure of what to do, a family walks by to drop of their child.
The child happily chatters with his parents as they stand by the gates, saying their goodbyes. There's a slight noise from my side.
Oh. Crap.
Naruto.
I instantly turn to look at him, worried. And I'm right. He's staring at the happy family with a forlorn expression. He... he really wishes he has parents. That he has a family. (But I'm his family! Aren't I good enough?) I tug on his arm so that he stumbles into me, and wrap my arms around him.
"Nee-san?" I can hear his obvious confusion, making me smile.
I turn my face to whisper into his ear. "I'll always be here for you, okay?"
I wait for him to nod before I let go and retake his hand. Then I pull us toward the building and inside. I look around for a teacher or a map or something. I quickly spot a map, which we make our way to, before I pull out the sheet of paper with our classroom number on it.
Let's see…. We're on first floor and our classroom is on the second. According to the map, we have to go to the end of the hallway and then up the stairs. By the time we get to the stairs, Naruto's the one who's pulling me forward. I'm reluctant to go to class.
It's a bit daunting. All those icky, gross, prepubescent kids. My—our—classmates. Naruto throws open the door in his excitement and barges in without a second thought. There are a few kids in the classroom already, spread throughout the room. A few of them are chatting excitedly, though all activity ceases at Naruto's loud entrance.
They stare at us, bewildered, not that Naruto notices. I glare at them as Naruto makes his way to take a window seat, dragging me behind him. As soon as we're seated, Naruto throws open the window and sticks his head out to look around. I grip the back of his pants to make sure he doesn't fall out, continuing to glare at the others.
No one approaches us, and eventually they go back to what they were doing, though they keep glancing at us intermittently. Eventually Naruto settles into his seat and pulls out a sheet of paper and a pencil to doodle. I take the pencil from him to start up a game of hangman.
More students trickle in as time passes, each one casting curious glances our way. We stick out. We're at least half a head shorter than the rest of the kids. Some of them are pointing at us and gossiping, no subtly whatsoever. I have to resist the urge to start glaring again. Naruto hasn't noticed, though.
Eventually the teacher, a portly middle-aged man in typical chuunin clothing, enters. He takes one look at us and his face contorts into something unpleasant. Great. He's one of them.
I think I might encourage Naruto to make his life hell.
"Naruto, Renge, come here," he says as he sits at his desk.
Naruto and I share a glance, both reluctant. Standing with a sigh, I make my way slowly to the front, Naruto close behind me. When we get to the teacher's desk, he looks up from whatever he was looking at, a sneer on his face. I resist the urge to sneer back.
"Something you need?" I ask.
Our teacher presses his lips together in a thin line, irritation written clearly across his face. I bite back a smirk and wait impatiently. Next to me, Naruto fidgets. The man's eyes flicker toward Naruto at the movement and his face hardens.
"For some reason, the Hokage has deemed you two worthy of being in my class." He pushes away from his desk to reach down and pick up a stack of books that he places none-too-gently in front of us. Then he places a folder on top of that. "These are for you. We're already a few days into class so you're behind your... peers. Try to keep up."
Then he visibly dismisses us. What an asshole.
I pick up half the stack of books and hand them to Naruto, stopping him from retaliating in any way, and pick up the rest. Then I nudge him back toward our desk. Naruto complies, grumbling under his breath. Once we're seated again, I take a quick look at the contents of the folder. It contains a syllabus, rules to follow, and a list of optional classes we can sign up for.
Which is interesting, though I'm not sure it'd be worth it to sign up. Not with the village's general antagonism toward us. I don't think Naruto would show up for them, anyway. Not unless the subject really interested him. Maybe if they have something on trap-making?
I'll have to talk to Naruto about it after class. For now, I pass the folder over to Naruto, who went back to doodling, and flip through the text books. From what I can tell, this year will be about teaching basics, such as reading, writing, history, mathematics, and such. Except there will be a general gearing toward Konoha is awesome, being a ninja is awesome, as such propaganda. According to the syllabus, there will also a lot of time spent on physical training, though no actual taijutsu. You can, however, sign up for extra taijutsu classes to take after the Academy lets out for the day.
Soon everyone's present and the teacher takes roll call and our first lesson starts. Kanji. Joy.
.
.
Before we left, I almost forgot to pack us a lunch, though luckily Naruto reminded me. It's been forever since I had to worry about packed lunches. And now I'm the one who has to make them! Much fun.
Unless I can somehow convince Naruto to make them...? I look over to Naruto, who's busy stuffing his face with the plain onigiri I made as an after-school snack, and rescind the thought. I don't think I can particularly trust him with making food. So far he hasn't been very picky, though he does tend to boycott vegetables. If I leave it to him, we'll be eating the unhealthiest meals ever. Well, maybe not, since he doesn't have access to a deep fryer. But I've been forcing myself to eat vegetables, so Naruto has to suffer—I mean, enjoy—them, too!
Naruto notices me looking at him and smiles with his mouth full of food. I crinkle my nose in disgust.
"Eat with your mouth closed."
Naruto just rolls his eyes at me and sticks his tongue out. I snatch one of the onigiri off his plate in retaliation.
"Hey!" he shouts, reaching out for the food in my hand. I lick all over it before he can get his hands on it. It's his turn to crinkle his nose. "Ewwww!"
I smirk at him and shove part of the onigiri into my mouth so I don't have to say anything. I soon lose myself in thought again.
Not only was class boring, but the teacher sucks, too. He made his hatred of Naruto so obvious. Even the other students picked up on it! All those eyes, watching us and judging us, wondering just what was so wrong about us, about Naruto, that the teacher hates us.
As if it isn't bad enough that their parents are going to warn them about us, now that they know Naruto and I are in their class. Ha. I bet all those parents are panicking. They were probably secure in the knowledge that their children would have nothing to do with us, would never have to interact with us.
Yeah, well, screw them. And screw that teacher. I'll show them, I'll—
"Nee-san!"
I look up from where I was staring vacantly at the now empty plate. Naruto is bouncing in his seat, excited. "What?"
"Let's go out and play!" And he's starting to give me those puppy-dog eyes, preempting my curt refusal.
I don't particularly want to go outside. I don't want to play. I just really want to curl up in bed with a book or something. At least get a head start on our homework, or something. I want to be proficient enough that the teacher won't be able to pick on and humiliate me—us, because I won't let Naruto fall behind.
But I've always been a procrastinator at heart, so I easily cave. The first week should be easy work, anyway.
"Fine, let's go."
"Yes!"
.
.
A/N:
1 A shortened/slang version of ojiisan (grandfather) which can be taken to be insulting, derogatory, or a familiar way to refer to your grandpa, depending on the context. Jiji is a baby-talk word for dirty in Korean, though it normally means support.
Oh god, that scene with the Hokage is so horrible. So, so horrible. It doesn't help that half the time Renge's completely misreading him. Renge goes into that conversation with the opinion that the Hokage is a horrible person (because of his handling of their situation). But the truth is, the Sandaime is a bit of an optimist (which might have been what originally influenced Naruto into being an optimist). More than that, though, he is "the Professor," someone who was Hokage for a long time, retired, and became Hokage again. He needs to be optimistic to keep his sanity. And he truly does want what's best for Naruto and Renge, though since he's a lifetime shinobi, what he considers is the best differs vastly from Renge.
I hope that clears up some of the weirdness of the scene. I might have to go back and edit it later.
So, I keep getting ideas for this story that changes so much of what I originally had planned, and it keeps becoming more and more canon divergent. Maybe I should have wrote this in the summary: In which I endeavor to completely ruin the Naruto storyline and no one's here to stop me. I think I need to be slapped.
Quick question: Someone commented that they want to see other peoples' POV. I already have some intermissions I'm planning on writing and posting either at the end of chapters or collected together in a separate chapter. What do you guys think?
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