A/N: The chapter you've all been waiting for! Thank you as always for all of your reviews. 3

Arriving at Arthur and Gwen's door, Morgana shifts the shopping bag to her empty hand and, adjusting the strap of her handbag, leans forward to ring the bell. Though it's been a little over a year since their move, it still feels odd to visit Arthur and Gwen at their house rather than at their flat closer to the City. They'd moved shortly before Lizzie was born, wanting her to have more room to run around, in and outdoors, and Morgana's proud of them for setting up such a nice place.

Arthur opens the door, wearing a ridiculous red apron bearing the image of a fire-breathing dragon standing in front of an open oven.

"Morgana," Arthur greets her.

"Arthur," she replies, not even trying to hide her grin. "What on earth are you wearing?"

"It's what is commonly known as an apron. Not that you would need one."

Things are still slightly strained between them, for all of Gwen's efforts, and Morgana's glad when Gwen comes into the foyer, Lizzie balanced on her hip.

"Hi, Morgana! Don't mind him. It was a gag gift from Leon after Arthur started a small fire in the kitchen the last time he ate with us."

Morgana chuckles. "He didn't!"

"Oh, he did."

Arthur's cheeks flush. "I should go check on the soup. I'll leave you to it." He gives them both small smiles and walks off.

"Is he okay?" Morgana asks.

"He's fine. He's had a long day."

"I feel bad, then! We should have just gone out or had dinner another day."

"No, no! It's calming for him to cook."

Gwen looks slightly flustered, and Morgana raises an eyebrow at her friend. "Gwen? Are you feeling okay?"

"No! Lizzie was just being difficult."

Morgana looks at the perfectly quiet baby in Gwen's arms. "Mhmm." She pulls off her trench and hands Gwen the shopping bag in her hands. "This is for you."

"Morgana, you shouldn't have!"

"I know how much you and Arthur love the chocolates from the shop down the street from my flat."

"Thank you."

"Not at all." She beams at her best friend and reaches for Lizzie. "Hello, Darling."

Smiling, Gwen hands the baby over. "Do you want to go in the living room with her? I just need to check on something, and I'll be right there."

Morgana nods, smiling at Lizzie.

There are times when Merlin starts to think that cycling through the city isn't the best idea. Most of the time when he makes his way through Knightsbridge and into Kensington to Arthur and Gwen's. He hates the tube, hates being stuck in crowds underground, but he can't help but think that taking it tonight would have been much smarter.

For one, he wouldn't have almost gotten run over by some imbecile in a Ferrari, and for the other, he'd actually be on time for dinner rather than late and stressed out.

Pulling up in front of Arthur and Gwen's townhouse, he dismounts and drags his bicycle onto the sidewalk and chains it to their gate before running up the steps.

Lifting Lizzie into her arms, Morgana sits on the sofa and balances the chubby little baby in her lap. Lizzie's a perfect mix of Arthur and Gwen, tiny, dark curls, warm skin, and startling blue eyes. She's the prettiest baby Morgana's ever seen, and her heart breaks at all the "could have been"s.

Sadness wells through her as she smiles at the baby, making faces and eliciting gurgling laughter. She's so immersed in trying to entertain her niece that she doesn't even notice Gwen has stepped back into the room until she's startled by her voice.

"Morgana?"

Morgana looks up, half smile still on her face, and the rest of Gwen's words jumble together into mixed apologies as her eyes settle on the figure standing next to her best friend.

Merlin watches as Morgana plays with Lizzie, immersed in the baby, and he feels an unease he can't identify. She looks so at home, so at ease with her that he can't help but remember the dream she'd shared with him all those years ago and wonder what could have been had they stayed together. He likes to think they would have had a child of their own, and he blushes when Morgana looks up a moment after as Gwen begins to speak.

"I know you're both going to hate me for this, but frankly, as a friend to both of you, separately, I know this is for the best. Morgana's going to be around for the next few weeks, if not longer, knowing her, and you two can't go on as you have over the last few days. You're going to run into each other whether you want to or not, and you've both spent enough time moping with me, and I love you both, but I have a baby to raise and a career to run, and I can't spend the next few weeks taking turns sheltering you from each other in my office. And God knows I can't take any more of Merlin taking it out on vegan juice joints."

Merlin gulps and quietly nods at Gwen's speech, and Morgana just stares at her best friend as her pulse races. She'd joked about inviting Merlin when she'd messaged Gwen earlier, but she'd never thought she would actually go through with it.

"Morgana?" Gwen prompts.

Morgana nods.

"Okay. Good." Gwen stops, rolling her eyes towards the ceiling. "Now, I'm going to leave you two alone while I go to help Arthur in the kitchen before he sets fire to anything. And I'm leaving Lizzie with you. Hopefully you can at least resist fighting with a baby in the room." Gwen narrows her eyes at the two of them,

Eyes locked with Merlin's, they both nod and find themselves alone as Gwen leaves.

Morgana finds herself at a loss for words until she finally breathes out a, "Hi." She immediately begins to kick herself. Five years and all she manages is a measly hi?!

"You left." Well at least Merlin's one step ahead of her.

"It was for the best, Merlin."

She wants to cringe at her own tired excuse, and Merlin feels as if he's been punched in the gut as the old words and wounds resurface. He hadn't understood then, and he certainly doesn't understand now. "How? How on earth was leaving in the middle of the night the best thing you could have done?!"

She squeezes her eyes shut, the sheer weight of the past stopping her from keeping her perfectly practiced façade. "I did what I needed to do. I had to fight for what was right, no matter the costs, and I knew things wouldn't be pretty. I couldn't ask you to fall with me."

"Well I did anyway." Merlin shakes his head, unwilling to accept as anger whirls through him once again. "You destroyed us, Morgana, and you destroyed my family."

Morgana stands and, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, places Lizzie in her playpen.

"That was never my intention." Her tone is unwavering, and she puts everything she has into it. "Never."

"Gaius had a heart attack after the story came out, and you broke my mum's heart. I want to know why."

"I didn't – I never meant for Gaius to get hurt!"

"Well your intentions don't matter!" he barks, immediately regretting his words. He pauses at the harshness in his voice, and wills himself to speak slower. "He could have died, Morgana. Was getting back at Uther really worth it?"

"I did more than get back at him, Merlin. He needed to see justice, for having Gwen's father killed and ruining so, so many lives."

"So you put more lives at risk?"

"How was I supposed to know that would happen to Gaius?!"

"You should have thought! He's an old man and he loved you. How did you think he was going to react?!"

"Well then maybe he shouldn't have tampered with evidence! If he cared so much, he could have come forward and told the truth about what Ygraine and Uther did to my father!"

"He was trying to protect you!"

"So much for intentions not mattering." She huffs and looks away, her pulse racing.

"What do you want me to say?!"

"I don't know." Morgana sighs. She doesn't want them to fight. Years worth of emotions and anger are pent up, and she knows, reasonably, that there's no other way, but she doesn't want it. "I'm sorry Gaius suffered."

Merlin nods, and they both remain quiet. She looks exhausted. The liveliness she'd carried with her the day before is gone, and he sees the faded bags under her eyes, reminiscent of the nights she couldn't sleep. He swallows thickly, thinking of the way she'd come down to the shop, tired and upset, of the way she might now face those nights alone.

"We were so happy…" he begins. "I've never been as happy as I was that day, and then you…. If you didn't want to marry me, if you didn't love me…." He trails off, and Morgana sees the hurt in his eyes.

"I did. So much, Merlin. I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you."

"Then why would you leave?!"

"Because I thought it was the only way."

"How, Morgana?! How?! I would have helped you. I would have gone with you."

Morgana closes her eyes and shakes her head. "We're going in circles."

"Then, tell me."

"Morgause insisted that I come alone. She said she had information on you and Arthur and Gwen, and that she would release it all unless I teamed up with her."

"She released it anyway."

"Part of it, yes. And I'm so sorry."

"You didn't tell her about Gaius?"

"That, I did. That was part of the deal. I'm completely to blame for Gaius, and I am sorry he got hurt. But he hurt me too, and she swore that she would keep everything else, everything about your dad and his past out of the papers for good. She swore she'd leave you and Arthur and Gwen alone, and I couldn't see another way."

Merlin nods and sits down, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. For all he's said, he can understand turning against Gaius. He was his uncle, and he loved him unconditionally, but even he had been angry after Gaius had explained. Ygraine and Uther had held unethical acts over his head, had threatened him with ruin, but he still couldn't understand how Gaius had turned his back on Gorlois, on his profession, and covered up the fact that Gorlois had taken his own life, spurred on by Uther.

"I still don't understand why you didn't come back? If you'd explained..."

"Would it really have changed anything?"

"It would have changed everything, Morgana."

"Well why didn't you come after me?"

"I did, that morning. But I couldn't find you and you wouldn't answer your phone, and then Gaius had the heart attack and I had to go back to Dublin, and by the time I came back…" he trails off.

Morgana sits back down and shuts her eyes. "I almost did come back. I tried to call you so many times. I even came to the coffee shop one night."

"I never saw you."

"I left before you could."

"Why?"

Morgana shakes her head, tears forming behind her eyes. She wills herself not to cry. Not now.

Merlin kneels in front of her, placing his hands on her knees. She starts at the contact, but he swipes his thumb to the side, caressing her through her thin jeans, and the old comfort of his touch courses through her.

"Morgana?" he asks, voice barely above a whisper. He needs her to tell him, needs her, needs them to be okay.

Keeping her eyes trained on his, she takes a deep breath. "I was pregnant."

Merlin blanches. They'd only been together in that way for a few days. He'd never stopped to think of the possibility. "What happened?"

"I tried to tell you. I found out and I came to the shop. I wanted to tell you, but I panicked, Merlin. I didn't think you'd want it or me."

His heart breaks at her words, saying the opposite of what he would have felt. "How could you think that?!"

The tears she'd held back burn in her eyes, and she feels one slip through and run down her cheek. "How could I think otherwise?" She forces herself to meet Merlin's gaze, and she sees the hurt in his eyes. "I knew better, Merlin, but I wasn't… I was emotional and terrified."

He fixes her with a steely gaze. He would have taken her back in a second, welcomed her and their baby. "What did you do?"

"I –" Morgana begins, taking a deep, shaky breath. "I finally made up my mind to tell you once and for all, but then I miscarried."

"Morgana…" he trails off, but his grip on her tightens.

"I did everything I could to be healthy. I even stopped drinking coffee," she tries to lighten the mood, but her quip falls flat. "I think the stress was too much."

Merlin nods and looks away, feeling the tears forming in his own eyes. He doesn't know if he's more upset or angry. Not at Morgana. Never angry at Morgana, but he's upset with her for not trusting him, for not confiding in him or having faith in him. He would have put everything behind him and taken her back without hesitation, but she hadn't given him the chance. He doesn't know if she would have gone through with telling him, but the universe hadn't given her the chance, and for that he's angry.

He's angry at Morgause for manipulating Morgana and tearing them apart and at the world for not bringing them together sooner, and mostly, he's angry at himself for not trying harder. For not rationalizing sooner and going to her instead of waiting for her to come to him.

"I need a minute," he mumbles and stands. "Before I…" he trails off. "Does Gwen know?"

"She knows."

Merlin nods and walks out of the room, leaving her to her thoughts.

Merlin walks into the kitchen, looking for Gwen. She's leaning against the counter, quietly chatting with Arthur and looks up just as Merlin steps into the room.

"Merlin!" Gwen gives him a tentative smile, looking as worried as she does pleased. "Have you two stopped being idiots?"

"You knew."

"What?"

"You knew about Morgana and the baby, and you didn't tell me."

Gwen's jaw drops open as she hesitates to answer. Arthur interrupts before she gets the chance, putting the sauce cover down on the counter with a little extra force, "Wait, Morgana and the what?!"

Gwen sighs and leads Merlin over to the island. "It wasn't my secret to tell, Merlin."

"She was my fiancée, and it was my baby."

"Was, Merlin. You weren't together anymore."

Merlin shakes his head. "You could have pushed me harder or told me where she was." He feels the tears rising yet again and he looks away from his friend. He knows he isn't being fair, that it isn't Gwen's fault, but he needs to vent his frustration almost as badly as he feels the need to go back in time and stop things from playing out the way they did.

Gwen reaches out and squeezes his arm. "I'm sorry, Merlin."

He nods and reaches up to wipe the stray tears away from his face.

"Where's Morgana?"

"She's still in the living room. I shouldn't have left her, but I –" He sniffs. "I needed a minute," he chokes out, the tears he's held back pushing through.

"Oh, Merlin," Gwen mutters and pats Merlin on the back. "Do you want to go outside?"

Merlin nods.

They go out into the little garden behind Arthur and Gwen's townhouse, and Merlin sinks down onto one of the steps leading down from the terrace and into the garden itself.

Gwen quietly sits down beside him. "So I take it Morgana told you everything?"

Merlin nods, his head in his hands. "At least I think she did."

"If she's told you about the miscarriage, she's told you everything."

"Why didn't she tell me, Gwen?"

"She was scared, Merlin. She was all alone and everything was changing, and I don't think she knew what to do?"

"But I would have been there for her! We could have avoided all of this!"

"Would you, though?"

Merlin sits up straight, his tears stopping. "How can you ask that?"

"That's not what I meant." Gwen sighs. "I know you would have supported her. But would you have been ready to forgive her so soon?"

"Yes!"

"Even with Gaius still in recovery and with everything your mum went through?"

"Who's side are you on?"

"You know I love you both, but I'm trying to be objective. You have to see what was going through her head."

Merlin shakes his head. "I hate this."

"I know."

"What do I do, Gwen?"

"What do you want to do?"

Merlin gives a derisive snort of laughter. "I want to go back and be there for her. And do whatever it is that I did to make her think I wouldn't support her differently. I want to stop her from suffering alone. From suffering at all. But I obviously can't do that."

Gwen scoots closer and wraps an arm around his shoulders. "You still love her."

He does. He knows he does, but he doesn't know if he's ready to admit to it. He hesitates. "I–"

"That wasn't a question, Merlin. You don't say things like that about someone you don't love."

He nods. "I should go back inside. I don't want her to think I'm angry about her."

"You know what I think, Merlin?"

"What?"

"This may go against code, but with both of you constantly being more concerned about the other, I think it's only a matter of time and honesty before you're back together."

Merlin gives her a close mouthed smile as he brushes the rest of the tears off of his cheeks. "I hope you're right."

Morgana bites down on her lip as Merlin walks out of the room. She screws her eyes shut and leans back on the sofa. All of the pent up strength leaves her, and she gives in to the tears, replaying the night of the miscarriage over in her mind for the umpteenth time.

The night haunts her memories and her nightmares, and she chokes back incongruous laughter as she remembers how she'd woken up thinking she'd relived it that very morning. Covering her face with her hands, she lets the relief and the pain wash through her.

"Morgana?"

Sniffling, she looks up to find her little brother standing in the doorway.

"Why is Merlin crying and saying something about a baby?" He looks over to where Lizzie is happily playing in her playpen, oblivious to her aunt and father.

"He's crying?"

Arthur nods. "I can't say it suits him. He kind of looks like Aithusa when he cries?"

"Arthur!"

Arthur grins and sits down next to her and wraps her in an awkward hug. "Are you okay?"

Morgana playfully shoves him in the side. "Do I look okay?"

"No." He gently squeezes her before scooting away and turning to face her. "I'm sorry. But seriously, what is this about a baby? Were you pregnant?"

Morgana nods.

"And you had an abortion?"

"No!"

Arthur frowns. "But you didn't have a baby."

"No, Arthur. I had a miscarriage."

"Oh. And you didn't tell Merlin?"

"No."

"When was this?"

"About two months after everything that happened."

"I'm sorry."

Morgana nods and offers him a close-mouthed smile. "Me, too."

Dinner is as awkward as everyone expects it to be. Gwen keeps conversation flowing, and Arthur tries to lighten the mood by telling funny anecdotes. Gwen laughs at them all, but Merlin and Morgana barely hear them, wholly absorbed in one another.

Merlin gets up at the end to help Arthur with the dishes, and Morgana follows with her eyes as he leaves the room.

"Morgana?" Gwen asks, smiling. "I'm going to go put Lizzie to bed. Want to come with?"

Morgana nods. "I have to leave afterwards, though."

"Okay."

"How did it go with Merlin?"

"Didn't he already talk to you?"

"He did, but how are you? It couldn't have been easy."

One side of Morgana's mouth twists upwards as she grimaces. "It wasn't, but I'm glad it's out, finally… even if he's mad at me."

"He isn't mad at you, you know. He's upset, but it was very clear when he spoke to me that he isn't angry with you."

"Really?" Morgana asks, hardly loud enough to be heard.

Gwen nods. "If anything, I think he's more upset with himself for making you feel like you couldn't go to him."

Morgana sighs. "I don't want that either. In no way is he to blame for any of this."

"He isn't, but you're both the same, Morgana. You're both blaming yourselves for something that you can't change. You need to let the blame go and work towards the future," Gwen says, softly brushing a stray curl off of Lizzie's forehead.

Morgana nods, staring down at her niece. "You're right. I don't want to lose him again, Gwen."

"Then go back down there and fight for him," Gwen says, beaming, and nudges her friend.

"Don't hurt her."

"What?" Merlin looks up from the sink to find Arthur watching him, contemplatively.

"If you and Morgana get back together, don't hurt her," Arthur repeats. "She's only just getting back to being the Morgana she was before this all happened. I don't want to see her suffer again."

Merlin nods, wiping his hands on the dishtowel Arthur hands him. "I swear to you that I would never willingly do anything to hurt her. You know that."

"I know, but she's my sister. I know now that she did what she did to protect me, and I owe her everything."

Merlin nods and awkwardly clears his throat, not used to speaking of personal matters with Arthur. "Thank you for tonight."

"You're welcome."

"We're back," Gwen announces as she and Morgana appear in the doorway. "But Morgana's leaving."

Merlin's eyes go straight to Morgana's. She looks more withdrawn than she had, but the light is back in her eyes, and she's watching him just as he's watching her.

"I should go, too," he says and elicits a smile from her.

"We can walk part of the way together?" she suggests.

Merlin nods, his smile stretching across his face. "Gladly." He turns back to Arthur and Gwen. "Thank you again for tonight."

"It was our pleasure," Gwen says, looking between her friends. "I'll walk you out."

Merlin follows Morgana out of the room but catches Gwen giving Arthur a thumbs up as he does. Smiling to himself, he shakes his head and notes how thankful he has that they have them looking out for them.