A/N: Yes, I've raised the rating.
Thank you to those of you still reading and reviewing. Hopefully you all enjoy this!
She spends most of the day in the library, trying to anonymously, remotely, and tracelessly hack into Dr Nimueh's files. After many frustrated attempts, she manages and the exhilaration of her success carries her through the rest of the day. She copies over several files and decides to spend the evening properly kicking off her investigation at home, in her pyjamas.
She stops at the new coffee shop on her way home to pick up her evening dose, and she finally lets her mind drift to the previous evening. She replays all the exchanges between her and Merlin, pictures the way he'd slowly lost his edge and relaxed as the evening had gone on, trading jokes and anecdotes with Galahad and being far less guarded towards her.
The memories cheer her up far more than either her success of the day or the jolt of caffeine, and she wonders when she'll be able to see Merlin again as she jogs up the stairs towards her flat.
What she doesn't expect is to find Merlin sitting beside her doorstep. He's all scruff and smiles, looking up from an incredibly heavy looking book as she approaches. He looks every bit the young professor, ridiculously adorable in his faded red jumper and thin, brown corduroys. His hair is sticking up in every direction and Morgana immediately finds herself wishing she could bury her hands in it and drag him nearer to her to make sure he's real and she hasn't just conjured up his image with her thoughts.
She swallows, ordering herself to keep calm and keep out all thoughts that involve her running her hands through Merlin's hair. She wills her voice to stay steady as she greets him.
"Merlin! What are you doing here?"
He beams and sticks his book back into the supple, worn satchel he's dragged around for years before jumping up. He's cheerful, but Morgana knows that the extra jitteriness in his movements is compensating for his nerves, and the knowledge sends a swarm of butterflies fluttering through her.
"I thought I'd bring over food and we could… talk." He pauses, looking a little less sure of himself. "I had a nice time last night."
The corners of Morgana's mouth twist upwards, and her smile takes over. "I did, too."
She unlocks her door and welcomes him in, heart racing.
"Oooh, sushi! I was craving sushi." Morgana beams.
Merlin watches as she gleefully unloads the shopping bag he'd carried into the kitchen. Her eyes light up, and it's the most beautiful thing he's seen since he doesn't even know when. Warmth spreads through his chest at the sight and melts away another chunk of his anger. He doesn't want her to stop smiling and thinks it best to clarify before she has a chance to be disappointed.
"Actually, it's vegan sushi."
Morgana's smile drops for a second, but then she's laughing her wonderful, throaty laugh and he finds himself joining her.
"Only you, Merlin."
"It's very good!"
"I'm sure it is." She meets his eye and looks almost as if she's struggling with whether or not she should speak. She does. "I know Gwen thinks your… lifestyle change is ridiculous, but I don't think it is."
Merlin cringes. He'd taken Gwen to the same juice bar he'd been to with Viviane earlier that day, and Gwen's laughter at the harmonized water fountain had gotten through to him.
"You should see where I took Gwen this morning."
Morgana raises an eyebrow. "Where did you take her?"
He explains. By the time he tells her the juice bar purifies their water with classical music, she has tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard and he doesn't even care that he sounds ridiculous.
"You need to take me there."
"Do you mean it?"
"You can't tell me they put headphones on their water fountain and expect me not to want to see it, Merlin. Please, can we go? Or at least tell me where it is? I could drag Galahad there and tell him I've found a place for Viviane."
Merlin chuckles at the sudden mischief in her eyes. "Trust me when I say Viviane does not like it there."
Morgana's grin grows, and she suggests, "Why don't the three of us go then? You like Galahad, right?"
"I do." And he does. Now that he knows he's just Morgana's friend. "We could go tomorrow?"
Morgana nods and smilingly leads the way out of the kitchen.
The vegan sushi is surprisingly good. Morgana spends more time watching Merlin than concentrating on her food, but she's pleasantly surprised by every bite she takes.
They eat on the floor before her coffee table, and when Aithusa crawls over to curl up in Merlin's lap, she's reminded of the night they'd spent playing with the kitten on the floor.
"Do you remember the day we got him?"
Merlin leans back against the sofa, watching Morgana as she gives in to a soft smile. He wants to reach out and touch her, to gently take the chopsticks out of her hands and push back the wavy strand of black hair that's fallen into her face. The years make his hands itch, and he wonders what it would be like to reclaim her lips, to reclaim her. He wants to pepper her with kisses and press his lips to every one of her pulse points to remind himself that she's alive and that she's here and that they've been given another chance to make things right.
"How could I forget?" he answers, voice more gravelly than he wants it to be. "I still have the pictures we took, you know."
Morgana stills and puts down her chopsticks, turning to face him. "So do I."
They both go quiet, trading glances that fill the air between them with more and more tension. Morgana takes in the way his hair is somehow even more mussed than when he arrived, and when he reaches up to run his hands through it, she wants to reach out and knot her fingers through his. She needs to close the distance between them and shut out the past and the pain.
She lifts her hand, fingers begging her to act, but she drops it when, annoyed with suddenly being ignored, Aithusa meows, jumps off of Merlin's lap and prances out of the room.
Shaking her head, she laughs silently. "He's ridiculous."
Merlin barely seems aware of Aithusa's departure, and he speaks moments after her, voice deeper and far more uneasy than before, "Morgana, there's something else I need to know."
Morgana swallows, taking in the sudden frown that crosses his features. "Go ahead."
"If you hadn't had the miscarriage..." Merlin begins but then trails off, thinking better of his words. He doesn't know why he's asking this now when all he wants is to pull her to him and forget it all, but he needs to know and, suddenly, he doesn't want to wait, doesn't think he can bury himself in her until he knows. "Before you had the miscarriage," he continues before he loses his nerve, "were you planning on keeping the baby?"
The words crash into her and Morgana watches him as he speaks, watches him fiddle with a loose thread on his jeans before turning his eyes back to hers, wide, beseeching.
She struggles to keep her voice steady, but the words come with surprising ease. "Yes, I was."
"Without me?"
"I was going to tell you, Merlin. But…" She pauses. "With or without you, I would have kept the baby, yes."
"Why?"
She breathes out a huff of disbelief. "What do you mean why?!"
Merlin shakes his head and looks so sad as he runs his fingers over the swirly green pattern on her carpet that it takes everything Morgana has not to reach out and touch him.
"Those months after you left… They were the hardest of my life. I missed you every single moment. I saw you everywhere, in everything. I missed you so much, Morgana. It felt like a chunk of my soul had been torn away and left exposed. I –"
"I know," she whispers. "Do you think it was any easier for me, Merlin?! I lost everything, and then I lost the baby and every bit of hope that was left. I didn't even have the comfort of knowing I'd succeeded in having Uther put away until months afterwards. "
"I'm sorry."
Morgana shakes her head. "That isn't the point."
"It just kills me that it could have gone so differently."
"If only I'd spoken up?" There's an edge to her voice, and she feels the anger bubbling up inside of her. Not now. Not like this.
He shakes his head, and his voice comes out softer, more upset with himself. "If only I'd been less stubborn."
Morgana sighs and she inches her hand closer, lightly laying her fingers on top of his and squeezing. "There are so many 'if only's, Merlin. We can't do anything about them, now."
Merlin sadly smiles and flips his hand over, intertwining their fingers, and Morgana feels as if her heart is going to jump out of her throat. She brushes her thumb along the back of his hand, drawing his eyes back to hers.
Sadness fills his gaze, but for the first time since they've been reunited, Morgana spots traces of something that sends a new wave of desire washing through her. For all the time that's gone by, she can read his looks more easily than her favourite book, and she knows the way he's watching her, knows the way his eyes begin to cross as he moves his gaze from her eyes to her lips.
Her heart pounds in her chest and she rises to her knees, moving closer until she's hovering just beside him. She moves her free hand up to cup his cheek, brushing her fingers along his jawline, shivering as they catch on his stubble. His eyes move back to hers then, and at the darkness of his gaze, she smiles and dips her head towards his.
Their lips are millimetres apart and their breath mingles as she pauses for a millisecond. It isn't that she hesitates, but she wants to savour the feelings of hope and desire and overwhelming love that course through her.
But then Merlin nudges her nose with his and whispers her name and she brings her lips crashing down to his.
For all the desperation running through their veins, the kiss starts off as soft and gentle and painfully, exquisitely slow. They trace each other's lips, savouring every movement, every point of contact as they reacquaint themselves with each other.
It feels, Morgana thinks as she moves her hand from Merlin's and into his hair, just like coming home. Tears prickle behind her closed eyes at the soft, warm relief from years of subconscious pining and she knots her fingers through his soft, unruly locks to pull him closer.
She decides then that the chaste, reverent kiss is no longer enough. She needs to be closer to him, needs him. Running her tongue over his ridiculously soft lips, she coaxes his mouth open just as he pulls her down onto his lap and deepens the kiss.
He moves his hands as they shift into this new position, gripping her waist with one and the back of her neck with the other. He feels every forgotten, repressed desire come back to the surface as they sink into one another. She brushes her tongue against his, sending pleasure coursing through him and causing him to moan into her mouth.
She smiles against his lips at that, and they break apart, touching foreheads as they catch their breath. Morgana keeps her eyes closed, and as he watches her red, swollen lips continue to curl upwards, Merlin decides that he doesn't care as much about breathing as he had previously thought.
He leans forward and, after planting another determined kiss on her lips, he trails his way down her neck until he finds the pulse point at the base of her throat and sucks, feeling the way her heart wildly beats against him. She leans her head back to give him greater access as he pulls aside the collar of her dark grey jumper, and he feels arousal shooting through him as he draws a moan from deep inside her throat.
He smiles against her skin and moves to kiss her again, running his thumb over her swollen lips before taking them in between his. She lets him and responds, battling between the desire to keep kissing him and the need to shed her now stifling jumper. She runs her hand down his cheek and as she comes in contact with the heated skin of his neck, the need to feel as much skin on skin wins out and she pushes him away.
He attempts to chase her lips as she leans back, but understanding seeps into his dazed expression as she reaches for the hem of her jumper and tugs. The garment comes off in one smooth movement to reveal a deep green bra made entire of lace that contrasts the pallor of her skin. He moves to encircle her now bare waist with his hands, but she tuts and stills his movements by wrapping her hands around his wrists.
"You, too," she breathes into his ear and reaches to remove his scratchy jumper. She tugs on both jumper and vest and smiles as they come off to reveal a far more muscled chest than she remembers. Placing both hands on his well-defined shoulders to steady herself, she feels her breathing growing more and more laboured as she leans in to kiss him again. His mouth immediately opens to hers, and their soft, slow kisses are forgotten as desire takes over and drives their actions.
She runs her hands over his shoulders as they kiss and traces her way down his chest and his back, both pushing and pulling him closer, revelling in the feel of skin against skin. Merlin nips at her bottom lip and smiling into her lips, shifts them to lay Morgana down on the carpet. He sinks down over her and deepens the kiss as Morgana digs her nails into his back and feels every last drop of rational thought leave her.