Stay With Me
Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand
But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man
These nights never seem to go to plan
I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?
Oh, won't you stay with me?
'Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me
Why am I so emotional?
No it's not a good look, gain some self control
And deep down I know this never works
But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt
~Sam Smith
Will and Henry are in the bullpen when the team gets back. Henry's sitting in Garcia's lap, laughing at a joke his godmother has just told, his eyes shining bright. They light up and he hops out of her lap when he sees his godfather push through the glass doors.
JJ can see his little blonde head pop up as Spencer lifts him into the air. Realizing how close she's walking next to Emily, she moves away; creates space.
Emily frowns slightly as she feels JJ pull away from her side, putting a little more space between them as they follow Reid into the room. She has to remind herself that here JJ is Will's and Henry's and that they are just colleague's; friends.
JJ's fingers brush Emily's as she moves past the brunette and wraps her arms around her husband. There's a tightening in Emily's chest as she sees the pure happiness and love shining in JJ's eyes as she gives Will a hello kiss; realizes that JJ has already tucked her into a pretty little box to be taken out on their next night "away".
She clenches her jaw, blinks away the tingling threat of tears, silently tells herself to get a grip. This is what she'd wanted, what she'd agreed to. JJ's "dirty little secret", a friend with ocassional benefits, nothing more. She's supposed to be ok with that; and logically, in her head, she is. Nothing has changed, they're still friends, she knows this. She's annoyed with herself when she realizes that for the first time in her life, her heart doesn't agree.
Hotch stops just behind Emily, murmurs "you ok?" in her ear.
"Yeah." Her voice is husky with unexpressed emotion and unshed tears and it pisses her off. She huffs out a sigh, clears her throat and turns her head to meet his eye. "Yeah, I'm ok." She adds "I have to be" almost as an afterthought.
He can see the moment she takes everything and shoves it into its box, sees the change in her eyes as the mask slips into place. Here she is JJ's friend, nothing more, nothing less. He can't help but worry a little about how Emily is going to fare through all of this, but has to acknowledge that she says she knows what she's doing and that she'll be ok.
He moves to rub his hand down her arm, pulls back when she whispers "Don't, please", and lets her move away from him. She slips past the couple, moves to her desk and starts pulling files from her bag. Hotch had dismissed them from the jet, but the last thing she wants to do is go home to the quiet solitude of her apartment.
She settles in at her desk and starts to fill in her reports, ignoring the others. Garcia and Morgan ask her to join them for dinner and drinks but she begs off, claiming to want to get ahead on her paperwork. When JJ tries to meet her eye to say goodbye, she simply murmers something along the lines of have a nice night and gives a half-hearted wave.
Rossi and Hotch watch from the walkway above, their expressions identical, their lips pressed into thin lines, concern lining their eyes. Rossi sighs, shakes his head. "I hope she knows what she's getting herself into."
Hotch hums his agreement. He gives her one last long look before going into his office.
Reid takes his time gathering all of his files and putting them into his messenger bag. It's rare for Emily to stay behind and finish files, especially when they've been given two days off. She looks exhausted and lonely.
He takes a breath, trying to think of something to say, and exhales loudly as she signs the last report and tosses it into the basket on her desk. She stands, gathers her jacket and go bag and nods at Reid.
"Good night, Spencer."
He nods and mutters good night, stays by his desk for a split second before calling out to her. "Emily, wait! I'll ride down with you." He grabs his bag, taking long strides to catch up with her.
She's fidgety while they wait for the elevator; once they board, she starts picking at her thumb nail. He realizes something is definitely off and just can't put his finger on what it could be.
"Emily?" He waits for her to respond; she hums quietly, avoids meeting his eyes. "Is everything OK?"
She huffs out a breath. "I really wish everyone would stop asking me that. I'm fine, everything is fine. Just really, really tired and looking forward to getting home and sleeping in my own bed."
Reid almost points out that she'd chosen to stay and finish after action reports, which contradicts what she just told him, but wisely stops himself. Instead, he bumps her shoulder with his, forcing her to look at him, and smiles gently. "As long as you're sure. And - if you need to talk - " He's awkward and a little uncomfortable, but she's his friend, and he's worried. She sees it in his eyes, and wonders what he can see in hers.
Her eyes tear up and she blinks them back, smiles softly at him. "Thanks, Reid."
They go their separate ways at the building's entrance and he sighs deeply as he watches her head to her car. He knows she's lying, knows there's something going on, and just hopes she remembers to ask for help before she's in too deep.
Emily stands under the hot water, letting it pelt against her shoulders and back until it goes cold. She towels herself dry and pulls on sweats and tank top before making her way to the kitchen.
There she makes a sandwich and grabs a beer, sighing as she sinks onto the couch. She finds a movie on the television, one she won't have to pay much attention to, and lets her mind wander as she eats.
She's never minded one night stands and short little flings; in fact, with her job, they've always been easier to manage. Her parents never really taught her much about commitment to anything other than their careers, and if she's honest, the idea of commiting herself to another person for any length of time is daunting. There's too much risk of disappointment, both hers and theirs.
Trust has always been an issue, too. She's only ever truly trusted Matthew, and he's gone now. Sure, she trusts her team on a professional level, trusts them with her life, in fact. She just doesn't trust them with her secrets or emotions.
She's only ever been in love, she thinks, once in her life. And that had been a mistake, ill-fated from the start, and had ended exactly as it should have. Unfortunately, that ending had been disasterous and had broken her.
She'd stuffed that heartbreak into a box, though, as she was prone to do, and had moved on, resolving to never put herself in that position again. She was, she told herself, perfectly content with her flings and one night stands.
Until now. Until JJ. She is falling, hard and fast, and can't stop the spiral. And she is sure it will be as disasterous and heartbreaking as the last time.
She is well into her second movie and fourth beer when there's a knock at her door. She looks at the clock - it's late, too late for this guest to be anything but an emergency or a problem.
Emily stumbles slightly as she makes her way to the door, grabbing her gun as a precaution as she looks through the peep hole.
"JJ?" Confusion fills her voice as she fumbles with the locks and pulls the door open. "What's wrong?"
JJ's blue eyes are wide and sparkling with unshed tears. She pushes past Emily, goes straight to the couch and plops down, running her hand through her hair.
Emily grabs JJ a beer, hands it to her before sitting on the other end of the couch. She takes a pull of her own beer and waits for JJ to talk to her.
JJ drains half of her beer in one breath and sighs heavily. Her eyes meet Emily's and they're clearer, hard and determined.
"I had to get out of there. It was stifling; I've never noticed how much of a presence Will is until tonight. I love him, I do, but I felt like I was drowning in him, in the domesticity of being there with him and Henry. I just needed space and didn't know where else to go." She rambles, the words rushing out and tumbling over one another. "It's like, I don't know, like my brain is still on the road, out there, in some other town - " she didn't add "with you" but Emily heard it loud and clear anyway - "even though my body is here."
"Jayje - " Emily's voice is full of warning; her heart is pounding in her chest and she can feel hope starting to rise up. She does her best to squash it, to quiet the butterflies beating around in her stomach. "What did you tell Will?"
"That I was restless and antsy from this last case. That I was still on San Diego time and needed to go for a drive. And not to wait up."
Blue eyes meet brown and Emily feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room.
"JJ?" Just her name, loaded with a thousand questions, a mix of emotions. Emily squashes her feelings back into their box.
JJ sighs, takes another drink of her beer, and pushes to her feet to pace back and forth across the room. "I don't know, Em." She pushes her hand through her hair. "I don't
know."
Emily takes JJ's hand as she passes by, pulls her to sit next to her on the couch. "JJ, if I'm going to walk away from this with even a little bit of my heart in tact, it has to be now. I could have pushed the feelings down and ignored them if you'd gone home to Will, but you're here now, with me, and I can't keep that line from blurring. I know it's not fair, and I'm far from being a homewrecker, despite the horrible decisions I've been known to make in the past, but right now all I want is to ask you to stay here, with me. Just one night, one chance to see what I'm missing. What Will gets to have everyday. Consequences be damned."
Emily's eyes meet JJ's and search them. They've agreed not to profile one another, but in this moment Emily can't help it. She knows she'll get a more honest answer from JJ's eyes than she will from her words and she finds herself holding her breath in anticipation.
She *almost* feels like she won't care what the answer is, as long as it's a definitive one.
Seconds tick by, an eternity passes, before JJ responds.
She takes Emily's face in her hands and kisses her hard. It's all teeth and tongue and fire and Emily finds herself drowning in it.
Emily groans as her hand darts out to hit the snooze on her alarm. The ringing doesn't stop and it takes her a minute to realize that it's her phone, not her clock. She squints at the display, groaning again when she sees the time, cursing the asshole who has decided that 3 AM is an acceptable time to call. She considers ignoring the call, but a voice in her head admonishes her. It could be an emergency, after all.
She sighs and answers without checking the contact.
"Emily? It's Will. Sorry to call so late, but Jennifer never came home last night and I'm a little worried. Have you heard from her?" Will's worried voice cuts through the sleepy fog and Emily tries to sit up, only then realizing that there's an arm slung across her bare stomach, holding her down.
She groans again, swallows hard and clears her throat. "Ah...yeah. She came here and had a couple of beers so she crashed on the couch. She's ok. I thought she'd sent you a text before crashing - " She lets her voice trail off, tries to shrug off the guilt she feels lying to Will. He really is a good guy and she hates what they're doing to him. But whatever this is between her and JJ is a force to be reckoned with and she can't see anyway for them to fight or stop it.
It's just better to let it run its course.
Will sighs with relief. "I'm glad she's safe. Thanks for being such a good friend to her, Emily."
Emily mumbles a reply and ends the call, the guilt overwhelming her. She watches JJ sleep, the moonlight making her hair glow like a halo around her head. Her mind wanders back...
JJ stood, pulling Emily up with her. She led Emily to her bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes in their wake. They lowered themselves to the bed in tandem, never losing physical contact with one another.
JJ moved above Emily , her fingers sliding over Emily's clit, slowly bringing her to the brink before backing off and bringing her down over and over again. There was a slow determination to JJ's strokes, sure and steady, without the hurried rush of all the other times. She wasn't in any hurry to leave, at least not until she was sure about what she wanted.
All of the other times, it had just been about the instant gratification, the passion, the difference between sex with Will and sex with Emily. Now, JJ had to know if there were similiarties. She knew she loved Emily, but was she in love with Emily, like she was in love with Will? Could the sex with a woman be the same, mean the same, as sex with a man?
And if it was, did that mean JJ was redefining who she was?
Emily could feel the shift in JJ, felt the difference in her touch. She moved languidly beneath the blonde, groaning every time JJ brought her back down from the edge. Emily pushed up on her elbows, bringing her mouth to JJ's; the kiss was deep, probing, She poured everything she had into that kiss. And in that kiss Emily realized that she could never love JJ the way she needed to be loved. That she'd never be in love with her, and that she was content with that.
"Em?" JJ pulled back from the kiss, her eyes full of questions.
""I get it, JJ. But I'm not what you want or need, not in the long run, and that's ok. What we have is perfect for us. We make our own rules and let it run it's course. I will always love you, Jennifer, but never like Will does. I'm not capable of that, not now, maybe not ever." JJ opened her mouth to disagree and Emily silenced her with a gentle kiss. "Don't worry about me, don't feel any guilt. It's ok." Emily kissed JJ again, deeper, her hips moving under JJ's hand.
They made love slowly, gently, and Emily knew without a doubt that she'd made the right choice.
JJ stirs, moans a little as she stretches, and Emily can't help but smile. As long as she's known her, JJ has never been a morning person. "What time is it?" the blonde mumbles into her pillow.
"3:00. Will just called."
"Shit. What - " she clears her throat. "What did you tell him?"
"He was worried when you didn't come home. I told him you crashed on the couch." Emily brushes JJ's hair back from her face. "He's a good man, Jen."
JJ nods with a sigh. "I know. And I love him. I know what we have is good and solid. I just hate feeling like this is going to hurt you in the long run."
"Don't worry about me, babe. I'll be ok. Promise." Emily grins at JJ, kisses her on the forehead. "We'll keep going the way we are until you don't want to anymore. And then we'll move on."
"Just like that?" JJ looks skeptical. It sounds too easy.
"Just like that."
Emily boxes away whatever regrets still linger over her decision to let JJ go. JJ never tells Will the truth about the night that she walked out. They go on, picking up their lives where they left off, as if nothing has happened between them.
Emily can feel Hotch's eyes on her more often, and eventually tells him everything, just to get him to stop worrying. She assures him that she's content with the decisions she's made; happy with the life she's built.
He nods, although she can see the doubt in his eyes.
On their next trip out of town, she notices that she and JJ have the room right next to Hotch and Rossi - and that the beds have been pulled away from the wall for them.