Illyasviel shivered as she stumbled her way through the cold forest, half-blind from the biting wind. She had been given clear instructions. Either she came back with a powerful Servant, or she wasn't coming back at all. She cursed her father under her breath as she walked into another tree. If he hadn't left her for another family, then she wouldn't have to do this. She screamed as her feet slipped out from under her, and she skidded down onto a hard flat rock. She cursed even louder, until she realised that this would be a good place to summon her Servant. She bit her thumb until blood welled from the wound, dripping it in a circle on the rock. It took her a while, but she finally got the circle and star she needed for her summoning. Remembering the incantation that had been beaten into her head –literally – she chanted until the circle was glowing with red light. A symbol started forming on her hand, marking her as a Servant. She smiled as the circle grew brighter, and a strange noise grew louder and louder.

And she stopped smiling as her Servant fell from the sky with a yell.

"Wow." Her Servant said with a strange, nasally voice. "The sky is really hard today." The snow finally settled, allowing her to see the Servant for the first time. Her heart sank as she looked at him. They had been expecting Hercules. Her grandfather got all the materials just for him. But this was definitely not him. Not unless he wore blue armour during his life. The Servant was only as tall as any other male, dressed in a solid blue suit. Over that suit he had small blue plating, looking like some kind of sci-fi armour she had read about. Strangely, he also wore a helmet with a dark orange visor and a black shade over it. She only noted that last because until now he had been facing the wrong way. "Oh, hello." He said cheerfully as he spotted her. "My name is Michael… No, wait. No. My name is…" He stood there as still as a statue for several minutes. "…Berserker! How are you?"

"…I can't believe it." Illya sighed as she stared at her servant. Sure, they wanted a Berserker. But she doubted Grandfather wanted one so stupid he had to take minutes to think. He was now looking around at the forest, his mood impossible to tell

"I know this place. We are in Canada (pronounced Kan-Yahh-Da). Did you know that it is Spanish for 'You're welcome'?" To her horror, she found herself puzzling over what he said until it finally clicked.

"We're not in Canada, you idiot." She actually stomped her foot in frustration. "Now, come on. I suppose I've gotta show something to my family."

He gasped in surprise. "Is it show and tell? I love show and tell. Like the time I showed my classmates my drawing of a birdy. They weren't too smart though. Some of them thought it was a truck." She didn't want to know how bad you had to be to draw a truck instead of a bird. But she stopped in her tracks as she heard the howling of wolves. Crap. They must've been drawn by the smell of her blood. Berserker looked around in confusion. She quickly turned to face him. According to her lessons, a Master can use magic to see the stats of his or her Servant and what Noble Phantasms they had. She just hoped Berserker had something good. She could see the eyes of wolves just past him. Success. She got something. But she couldn't make heads or tails of them.

"Berserker, what the hell is Control-F-U?" He looked up at her, before pulling a rifle from his back. She had no idea where it came from. God knows he didn't have it before. As the wolves started pacing out of the trees, she whimpered in fear. She didn't have much training for combat magic. All her mana went into controlling Servants. Without Berserker, she was completely defenceless.

"Hello." He said cheerfully again. "According to my best friend, you guys are allies." What? "Let me help you. I love helping." Wait, what?! Before she could object – or smack him whichever one was quicker – he started shooting at them. She couldn't believe her eyes. Every bullet was a killing shot. Soon, they were surrounded by a ring of dead wolves. What. The. Hell?! "Did I help?" Berserker asked, seeming genuinely confused.

"Let's…Let's just get back to the castle." She sighed. She could already feel herself developing a migraine.

This Servant better be worth it.

"Here, have a free grenade. They're sticky." Berserker shouted happily as he fought against Saber. Against all odd his shooting was terrible. He hadn't even aimed anywhere near her. And when he 'gave' her the grenade, it nearly exploded. For some weird reason, he seemed to do better attacking allies than enemies. But she was closing in again.

"Berserker!" She shouted. "Use…My Girlfriend? What the hell is that?"

"Yay!" He shouted. "You guys get to meet Sheila." He started glowing as a large scorpion formed around him. It took a few moments before everyone realised it was just a tank.

"Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila." The tank said in an electronic, female voice. Berserker's girlfriend…was a tank? Somehow, that made a bit of sense to her. "Firing main cannon." Saber jumped away as the ground around her exploded.

"Tank, tank, tank. I have a tank. Tanky tank, tanka. I have a tank." Berserker started singing as he drove Sheila in a circle, firing randomly. His erratic driving somehow managed to save him from an inbound sword. Illya looked up to see Archer falling from above, another sword notched in his bow. "Oh. You brought friends. I have friends too. "Initiate Piggyback Sequence." There was more glowing, as something big stomped over to stand by Berserker. Everyone stopped and stared in horror at the sight of it.

It was some kind of robot. It was probably three metres tall on two legs, and carried a shit-load of weaponry. It stared at them, the weapons readying themselves. "Attention." It said in a horrendously deep voice. "You have initiated combat with the commanding officer of Blue Team. You will be exterminated with extreme prejudice."

"Yeah, what Freckles said." Everyone started running again as Berserker and 'Freckles' started shooting everything in sight. Illya yelped as she had to move to avoid getting shot by a missile. She was about to shout at Berserker for being so careless, when Archer and Saber finally got in good strikes. Freckles started sparking before falling over in a heap, while Sheila's turret was sliced clean off. As the two machines faded away, Berserker stood there in silence. What was he doing? They were about to cut him down. There had to be something else he could use. As she looked for his last Noble Phantasm, she ignored the weird name he apparently gave it.

"Berserker! Kittens covered in spikes." He still didn't react even as Saber brought her blade down upon his head. But to everyone's surprise, he grabbed it with both hands and looked at her. He then spun her overhead and threw her into a wall hard enough to dent her armour.

"My name is Michael J. Caboose." He said, his voice getting deeper and deeper with every word. "And I. Hate. Team killing fucktards." He roared in fury, before rushing at Saber again. She barely got her blade up in time, noting in horror as it started fracturing under his blows. How could he be strong enough to break Excalibur? That was impossible. Archer managed to distract him long enough for her to get away, but Berserker pulled out his rifle and shot all Archer's swords out of the air, before blowing his chest apart with a grenade. Saber could only look on in horror as he stomped closer and closer to her. And for the rest of her time as a Heroic Spirit, one sentence still frightened her for ever.

"You're toast is burnt, and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts."

There we go. Another Berserker. Michael J. Caboose (Or just Caboose) is a popular character from the web-series Red Vs Blue. He is easily the stupidest character on the show, and we all love him for that. Check it out at Rooster Teeth. It is hilarious.

Class: Berserker

Name: Michael J. Caboose

Series: Red Vs Blue

Master: Illyasviel von Einzbern

Alignment: Stupid.

Strength: A+ (EX)

Endurance: A+

Agility: B

Magical Power: N/A

Good Luck: A

Noble Phantasm: A

Class Skills:

Mad Enhancement (A)

Mad Enhancement raises basic parameters in exchange of hindering mental capacities. In some cases, also seals away Personal Skills. At A level there is a rank up for parameters, but most of one's reason is robbed. Due to undergoing consciousness equalization with the Master, one has become a more mechanical Servant.

Personal Skills:

Clairvoyance (C)

Clairvoyance connotes superior visual perception and dynamic occipital capture, such as to supplement the long-range aiming of projectile weapons. At higher ranks, it is possible that the bearers of this skill have acquired such abilities as precognition ("future vision") and other forms of perception beyond standard eyesight (X-ray vision and so forth). At this rank Berserker is capable of keeping track of fast-moving object within a range of 4kms. This only activates during Control-F-U, or Kittens Covered in Spikes.

Eternal Arms Mastership (A+)

Eternal Arms Mastership prevents degradation of fighting skills when under the effect of mental hindrance. At this level mastership of combat arts has reached the point of being said to be unrivalled in one's era. By complete merging of mind, body and technique, it is possible to make use of full fighting skills even when under the influence of any sort of mental hindrance.

Eye of the Mind (False) (A)

It refers to a natural talent to avoid danger on the basis of an innate 6th sense, intuition, or prescience, where accuracy of instinct has been augmented by experience - somewhat overcoming the problem of visual obstructions that appear in the course of combat. The ability grants an effect of offering resistance against penalties caused by visual obstructions. This only activates during Control-F-U, or Kittens Covered in Spikes.

Mental Pollution (C)

Mental Pollution makes it highly possible to shut out any mental interference Thaumaturgy, due possessing a distorted mentality. However, at the same time it becomes impossible to come to an understanding with individuals that do not possess an equivalent rank of mental pollution. At this rank it provides a probability that mental interference magecraft will be rendered ineffective. In the condition that the Servant's master is of Evil alignment, and perpetrates acts of cruelty against the Servant, Mental Pollution will increase in rank, further increasing defences against magecraft.

Monstrous Strength (A)

Monstrous Strength is an ability possessed by monsters and beasts, temporary boost of the Strength parameter by one rank for a time limit determined by the ranking of this skill. This only activates during Kittens Covered in Spikes.

Noble Phantasms:

Control-F-U (Anti-Unit)

When this is activated Berserker identifies all attacking forces as friendlies, and his aim goes from E to A. All shots will be critical, unless blocked by a defence of some kind.

My Girlfriend (Anti-Group)

Caboose summons his love of his life. A heavily armed tank named Sheila. This is more dangerous because he has no idea what he is doing.

Initiate Piggyback Formation (Anti-Group)

Freckles the Mantis Mech was found and repaired by Caboose. Because of that and his programming, Freckles is unquestionably loyal to Caboose. He is armed with a variety of heavy weapons that could devastate an army. Tremble

Kittens Covered in Spikes (Anti-Army)

Caboose is taught anger. His strength increases to EX. All enemies should tremble in fear and pray to their god. That is all.