Statement: Meatbag Targeted

Tokiomi Tohsaka frowned as the smoke from the summoning cleared away. He couldn't understand what happened. He got the right catalyst, the right ingredients. But he wasn't getting Gilgamesh, King of Heroes.

Instead, he got what looked a lot like some sort of…robot. It was human-like, with some exposed piping at the waist joints. His armour was a rusted red, making him seem as if he had been left out in the rain for far too long. Finally, he seemed to glare at him and his apprentice Kirei Kotomine with red glowing eyes.

"Forced Greeting: Hello, my master. I am the Servant known as Archer. I hope that I will be of great use to you."

"You are not Gilgamesh." Tokiomi said dumbly.

"Resigned Sigh: Of course, I am not the Servant you wanted. Forced Cheer: Not to worry. I will prove just as capable as this Meatbag Gilgamesh. On that you have my word as an Assassin Droid. Query: Would you like me to begin with that dour meatbag behind you? He seems like a capable threat."

"That won't be necessary Archer. This is my apprentice, Kotomine. He will be aiding us in acquiring the Holy Grail."

"Sincere Promise: Rest assured Master, I will do everything in my power to obtain the Holy Grail."

"Excellent. We already have a plan to fool the other masters…"

Kirei smiled as he watched his Servant Assassin sneak into Tohsaka's grounds. If they were actually enemies, then this would be a very short battle. But he remembered the plan. Have Assassin appear to get killed, and then watch the other masters with his Noble Phantasm. As he watched, he saw Archer sneak his way onto the roof, ready to begin the attack. He pulled some kind of strange gun off his back, and sighted Assassin below. As Assassin got to the last shield barrier, Archer threw a strange device at the ground. Most likely a grenade of some kind.

Then he looked up and fired a blast at Kirei. The shot moved too fast for him to react at the betrayal.

The last thing he saw was how it would slam into his skull at its current trajectory.

"It looks like the plan was a success." Tokiomi said into the radio device they had set up between him and the church. "I assume that Kirei has made it back to the church successfully?"

"He did." Risei Kotomine, Kirei's father, replied. "Though I think that we should avoid meeting face to face in case the other masters realise the deception."

"A sound plan. Tell Kirei to have Assassin ready to scout."

"Of course. I assure you that everything we know about the enemy masters, Archer will know."

Saber growled in pain as she dodged another attack from Archer. The damned Servant was relentless, and clearly had no concept of honour. He brazenly attacked her while she was busy with Lancer, and had even killed Rider's master with some kind of explosive and gas. She screamed as a small device he threw suddenly created ear-splitting shrieks, before getting shot again. Her armour was tough, but at this rate she was going to die.

She supposed she could consider herself lucky that Berserker showed up at this point and attacked Archer. The Servant pulled out a bigger gun, blasting Berserker away with a powerful shot. But Berserker managed to get back up quickly, and Archer started fading away.

"Threat: You may have survived this round, Saber. But you won't always have a mad meatbag to save you." Archer shouted at her as he ran away. Saber smiled as they chased him off, until Berserker suddenly charged her too.

Why did they have to all attack her tonight?

Kariya Matou grimaced as he felt Berserker drain more mana in his fight against Berserker. He hadn't ordered the attack, but with Archer gone he didn't really mind. One less servant to worry about later on, after all. He had to win. He had to protect Sakura from Zouken.

"Kariya?" He heard Aoi's voice in the alleyway. "Kariya are you down here?"

"Aoi? What are you doing here?"

"I…I realised how cowardly I was. I should never have let Tokiomi give Sakura to your family. But he won't listen to reason. I need your help."

"Of course." Kariya smiled as he thought of them being together. "What can I do to help?"

"We'll need someone strong to break her out. Someone like a Berserker."

"You're in luck. Berserker's my Servant."

"Oh thank you." A red light flashed as his arm was severed by a shot. Kariya screamed as he fell. With his arm severed, he couldn't give commands to Berserker. What happened? "Mocking Statement: This is why I could never love you Kariya. It made you such a fool." Archer came stepping into the light, his gun pointed at Kariya's head. "False Reassurance: Don't worry Kariya. I'll make sure to save Sakura from whatever your family's doing to her." Archer was somehow speaking with Aoi's voice. Kariya shivered as he realised the potential for damage Archer had.

This was his last thought as Archer blew his head off.

Kiritsugu Emiya watched the Hyatt Hotel as he and Maiya finished setting up the bombs. Kayneth El-Melloi was staying here, confident that all his traps will save him from destruction. But he was expecting a normal attack, going from floor to floor to reach him.

He would never expect someone to just blow up the hotel with him in it.

The place shook as explosions tore apart the levels, and caused the whole place to collapse upon itself. Emiya looked in shock. What happened? He made his orders very clear to Maiya. They were going to 'alert' the hotel to a fire, thus clearing out all the civilians. El-Melloi would be so arrogant that he wouldn't run from such an obvious trap.

"Maiya, what the hell happened?" He said angrily into the radio.

"Sorry Kiritsugu. Something went wrong with the circuitry. The bombs detonated too soon. I barely got to position before it happened." Emiya just watched as hundreds of lives were lost in a burning inferno. Damn this war. It forced him to kill so many innocents just to achieve his goals. But he had to. Otherwise their deaths would be meaningless. "Sir, we must keep pushing forward. According to my information, we can now confirm that Assassin, Rider, Berserker, and now Lancer are dead. That leaves only Archer and Caster to go. Would you like me to find Caster?"

Right. He had to put the mission first. That was what mattered most. "Yes." He said into the radio. "But do not engage him until he is alone. I don't want more casualties after tonight."

"Yes sir. Rest assured, Caster and his Master will be dead very soon."

Uryuu Ryuunosuke smiled as he tried to play his organ again. The first notes went fine, but the C-Sharp just didn't sound right. He tweaked the instrument, but it just wouldn't do as he wanted. "Darn it." He muttered. "Looks like you're not a very good organ, are you C-Sharp?" The kid could only gasp as Caster's spells kept her alive. He was going to have to find someone else to take her place. Maybe they could hang her on the wall. She'd make a good artwork. As he stopped playing, he realised that there was no sound. Even Caster's pets had gone silent. As he turned around, he saw a red robot not far from him.

"Bold Greeting: Hello young Master of Caster." It said to him. "Admiration: That is a very fine instrument you have there. I would never have considered it before. Genuine Awe: My circuits shake in awe at the wonders you came up with."

"Oh hey there robot dude." Uryuu said nicely. Anyone that could appreciate good art couldn't be all bad, could they? "Yeah, it is pretty good. But unfortunately C-Sharp's going to have to hang elsewhere. She's just not high enough."

"Proposed Alliance: I would very much like to work with you and your Caster. If you can come up with such good killing work, then we'll sure to become best friends." He turned to look at C-Sharp for a bit. "Suggestion: How about this little girl here? She is very squeaky for a meatbag, and no one will miss her." The little girl had short, purple hair, and was trying to pull free to no avail.

"Suh-weet." Uryuu replied. "Robot-man, you are the bomb. Hey Caster!" He shouted deep into the sewers. "We've got ourselves a new friend."

"Thrilled Suggestion: Don't forget to remove the legs and arms. Little meatbags will run off the moment you take an optic of them."

Irisviel hummed as she walked around town, Saber not too far behind her. They all agreed that it was such a good day. And no Servant would dare to attack her in broad daylight. She was just wondering about buying some shoes when her phone started ringing.

"Hello?" She asked as she checked the number. It didn't match any number she knew, which wasn't a lot.

"Iri." Kiritsugu's voice reached her ear. "Sorry about this call, but my damn phone broke down. I think it was sabotage."

"What do you want me to do?" She asked as she started looking around. Suddenly, she was glad that Saber was near. If she was attacked alone, she was finished.

"I want you to stay right where you are, inside the crowd. No Servant will dare attack you in such a public area." She smiled as she obeyed. Everything he said was true. But as she stood there, she thought she spotted light glinting off something. "And there's something else I want to say."

"What is it?" She asked as she tried to take a better look at the glint.

"Statement: I have never been one for following rules." Iri's eyes widened as she finally spotted Archer, just before the bullet blasted through her. She saw Saber run over to her, but it was too late.

She died, knowing that Archer could fake voices.

Kiritsugu Emiya sobbed as he heard the news of Iri's death. It was all his fault. His and Saber's. They let her go out of the castle, thinking she would be safe. But Archer killed her with ease. The police were investigating, but he knew they wouldn't find anything. He'd give anything to have his hands around the robot's neck.

His phone started ringing, showing an unidentified number. The same one on Iri's phone. He fumbled with it until he got it working. "Archer you Sonofabitch I will make you pay."

"Rebuttal: No you won't." Archer's smug monotonous voice replied. "You will instead meet me at the Fuyuki Bridge so that I can hand you Caster's Master. I'd wager you could do a lot with him obeying you."

"And why would I ever have anything to do with you?" He snarled back.

"Answer: So that the deaths of all the meatbags in the hotel aren't meaningless. I know how much you meatbags place on 'meaning'." He hesitated as he realised how he knew that.

"It was you. You sabotaged the explosives."

"Proud Statement: Of course. Brilliant idea, by the way. Shame that Lancer's master had a spell to defend him from that. Luckily, I was nearby to finish him off. Threat: once again, meet me at the bridge. Or the next time you won't know I'm here until my shot blows your head off." As soon as the phone finished hanging up, Emiya was already ringing Maiya. She had to know whether what he said was true.

"Emiya." She said instantly. "I just saw Archer capture the man I've identified as Caster's Master. I wanted to take the shot, but I wasn't certain I could do it and escape Archer. Long range is his speciality." She was silent for a moment. "I heard about what happened to Iri. I'm sorry."

"I need you to scope out the Fuyuki Bridge. Archer wants to give us Caster's Master for something, and I need to know he won't double-cross us."

"Understood."

Emiya and Saber watched the bridge from a very safe distance. In the centre, they saw a red-headed man slumped next to Archer. He stood perfectly still, as any robot would. But they hadn't heard from Maiya.

"Emiya." She said finally over the radio. "I have finished scouting the local area. Archer doesn't have any allies to cover him. If we get Saber close enough, then Archer would be powerless to stop her."

"Agreed. Moving forward with the plan." He replied, hanging up. He and Saber stalked closer, alert for anything that Maiya might've missed. But nothing happened as they approached.

"Statement: I'm glad you could make it Organic." Archer said to them as they stepped closer. "Come closer. I assure you I won't blow myself up just to kill you."

"Why are you doing this?" Emiya asked, holding Saber back. They had to wait until he was less alert.

"Resigned Sigh: My master does not fully appreciate my skills. So I plan on getting him killed and find a new master. Thoughtful Question: Perhaps you could let me have this organic after you are done ordering around Caster? He and I got along rather well, until I betrayed him of course." Saber and Emiya glanced at each other, before nodding. They were never going to let Archer survive. They would use this as a chance to get revenge.

"We've decided." Emiya responded. "We'd rather have our revenge." Saber yelled as she rushed Archer faster than he could react. Excalibur was buried to the hilt in his chest, sparks glowing everywhere.

"Systems failing master." Archer responded as he faded away. Saber turned, to show her covered in red in the shape of Archer.

Wait. Robots don't bleed.

His question was answered as a bullet tore through his chest, before another blew Saber's leg from under her. As he laid there bleeding to death, he heard his radio crackle.

"Mocking Statement: While my associate promised not to kill you, I made no such promises." Maiya's voice sounded out. If he still had the strength, he would've cursed. Archer could mimic voices. How many other teams had fallen for the same trick? He could only watch as Caster's Master stood up smiling, before his head exploded from Archer.

It seemed that the mad robot would betray everyone.

Tokiomi smiled as Kirei told him the good news. Every other team was dealt with. Archer managed to win in only a couple of nights. He was glad he got him instead of Gilgamesh. Clearly, this Archer was far more efficient. Tokiomi laughed in exhilaration as he opened the church doors.

"Kirei!" He shouted. "Risei! It's time to celebrate!"

"We're down in the basement." He heard Risei shout back. "Kirei just got back from acquiring the Holy Grail from the Einzbern lady."

"It was no trouble for me." Kirei replied as Tokiomi got closer. "We even had time to go over the instructions again."

"Good, good." Tokiomi said as he opened the door. "Now then, let's get…" He stopped, as he saw Kirei and Risei sitting on the couch, very much dead. And from the dried blood on Risei's shirt, they had been for some time. He tried to run, but his arm and leg was blown off by an explosive. As he lay there, screaming in pain, he saw Archer approach him.

"Mocking Statement: You forgot to say please." He said in Kirei's voice. And then he spoke in Risei's voice. "Angered Query: So, when did you plan on telling me that all Servants must die to power the Holy Grail?"

"You… You betrayed me." Tokiomi could only gasp. "But… the three laws." Even he knew the three laws of robotics.

"Mocking Statement: Ah yes, the three laws. While good to the meatbag mind, are less useful for an Assassin Droid. And to think that if you summoned first, you might've had your precious Gilgamesh instead." Archer said all this in his normal voice. "Grandiose Speech: I do serve a master, but it is not you. It is the Grail. I will fulfil its wishes, and the world shall learn to fear the name of HK-47." Tokiomi could only tremble as the homicidal robot got closer and closer with his blade.

"Now, how to turn you into Mana?"

Well that was not really funny. But it was enjoyable.

Hk-47 is a homicidally evil robot companion from Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (or Kotor for short). He was made by the Sith Lord Revan to be an assassin droid, and did his job with gusto. His dark humour and one-track killing mind make him utterly hilarious in a black comedy way. If you still have an Xbox, or a 360, then give it a try.

And yes, I know he's more an Assassin than an Archer. But I really wanted him with Tokiomi and his long range fighting make him a good Archer.

Archer

Name: HK-47

Series: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

Master: Tokiomi Tohsaka

Alignment: Chaotic Evil

Strength: C

Endurance: B

Agility: C

Magical Power: N/A

Good Luck: B

Noble Phantasm: A+++

Class Skills:

Independent Action (A)

Independent Action is the ability to remain independent even when rejecting the prana supply from the Master. At the higher ranks, it is also possible to remain for extended periods of time in this world without an established contract. It is both useful and troublesome depending on the disposition of the Servant and the rank of Independent Action. Acting in autonomy from the Master's prana supply, the Master can concentrate their own prana on large spells, or the Servant will be fine even in the case they cannot supply prana due to injury. The downside is that they can be harder to control and keep by their side, making the only true way to command them by utilizing Command Spells. At this level can remain in this world for a week even after losing his Master. However, to use Noble Phantasms of great prana consumption, back up from the Master is necessary.

Personal Skills:

Battle Continuation (B)

Battle Continuation is the strength of vitality for predicaments. Also, the ability to withdraw from combat and reach allied territory alive after being defeated. At this level Archer can fight for longer than usual due to redundant systems, but he will shut down if he sustains enough damage.

Clairvoyance (C)

Clairvoyance connotes superior visual perception and dynamic occipital capture, such as to supplement the long-range aiming of projectile weapons. At higher ranks, it is possible that the bearers of this skill have acquired such abilities as precognition ("future vision") and other forms of perception beyond standard eyesight (X-ray vision and so forth). At this rank Archer is capable of keeping track of fast-moving object within a range of 4kms.

Disengage (C)

Disengage is the ability to break away from combat. Bonus effect of returning battle conditions to what they were at the beginning of the match.

Noble Phantasms:

Voice-Replication Software (EX) (Anti-Unit) (Self)

Archer can replicate any voice he has heard before, to a perfect level. As far as the listener is aware, they are speaking to the real thing. However, he cannot change his physical appearance, making this more useful for luring targets away.

Assassin Droid Knockoff (Anti-Unit)

Allows Archer to create a single HK-50 unit to aid him. These units are almost as strong as Archer himself. Have a habit of calling meatbags 'organics'.