He'd stayed up the entire night on his computer, and now the sun was rising and his eyes ached. He pushed himself away from his desk and sighed, glancing over at his bed. He could sleep. He should sleep. He'd done a good job of distracting himself from his former situation, but now that he'd gone away from his computer the thought of Tsukioka was rushing through his head, bouncing around in there, awakening his thoughts about Kazuo Kiriyama and, worst of all, Shuuya Nanahara.

Fuck it. He'd sleep.

He was already wearing nearly nothing, so he just collapsed into bed, passing out as soon as his face hit the pillow. He was asleep for maybe three hours before someone shook his shoulder.

"Not school," he muttered. The shaking continued, and Shinji scowled into the pillow. There wasn't any school today, he didn't need to be awake, and whoever was trying to make him be awake needed to stop.

The shaking continued.

Shinji sat up. It was Shuuya, Yutaka, and Nobu.

"What the fuck do you want?" he asked, and Shuuya grinned. Shinji glanced at the clock. It was about ten. So he hadn't gotten that much sleep at all. It felt like less than he'd supposedly gotten, but either way, he wanted to be asleep.

"We're going to hang out!" Yutaka said. Shinji rolled his eyes.

"Have fun. I'm going to sleep."

"Did you stay up all night?" Shuuya asked, raising an eyebrow, and Shinji nodded.

"Yes. Now shut up, leave my room, and let me sleep. Good-bye."

With that, Shinji pulled his blanket up to cover his head and waited. He heard a few mutters, and then it was just Yutaka's voice.

"Shinji, c'mon. I want to talk to you."

Shinji groaned, and Yutaka leaped onto his bed. Yutaka bounced up and down a few times, shaking Shinji completely from sleep. Shinji turned to face him, scowling, and sat up. "What?" he snapped, and Yutaka looked a little taken aback. Shinji let out a breath and ran a hand through his hair, crusty from yesterday's hair product he'd neglected to wash out. "Sorry. I'm just tired."

"Yeah," Yutaka said. He opened his mouth, closed it again, and eventually pulled out his phone. Shinji frowned, and eventually Yutaka cleared his throat. "Uh, did you have sex with Sho Tsukioka yesterday?"

Shinji was fully awake at this.

"What? Where'd you hear that? And no- what the fuck," Shinji said, grabbing the phone from Yutaka. Yutaka had opened to a picture of someone undoubtedly Shinji, his face turned upward, jaw clenched, eyes shut tight, and shirt open – oh God damn it, he'd been too busy not looking at Tsukioka, and Tsukioka had taken advantage of that.

"He sent this out," Yutaka said. Yutaka managed an awkward grimace. "Is it – is it real?"

Shinji weighed his options. He had to do it fast, because every second he was silent was a second that Yutaka would use to think about it further. "I didn't have sex with him," Shinji said. There you go, Mimura, start with the truth and then lie. "I was walking home after practice, and I saw him, and he offered. He looks really bad now, you know – really desperate, I mean. I took pity on the guy, but it didn't go farther than a handjob."

End it with the truth. Good job, Mimura. Except Yutaka still looked freaked, and Shinji was pretty sure that Nobu and Shuuya were talking about him. But Yutaka nodded, even if he didn't look convinced, and Shinji's eyes narrowed slightly. It was stupid for Yutaka to damn him for this, when he hadn't done anything wrong – well, okay, Tsukioka? Not the guy he'd want to bang if he had a choice. But he'd wanted to know what kissing a guy, feeling a guy, having a guy get him off would be like, and he'd come to his conclusion, and he was completely fucked.

"Is that everything you wanted to know?" Shinji asked. Yutaka licked his lips, looked like he was going to say something else – but eventually didn't, instead choosing to duck his head and hurry out of the room. Shinji watched him go, wondering if Yutaka was having this reaction because it was Tsukioka or because Tsukioka was a boy. He thought it had to be the former.

Hell, if Yutaka had come to him blubbering about the same situation, Shinji would've felt that wave of revulsion he'd always felt when it came to Tsukioka. Because Shinji Mimura was the farthest thing from stupid, and Shinji Mimura had noticed the faggot watching him. Watching him forever – and taking pictures, and bumping into him to try and cop a feel whenever he could. It wasn't a good feeling, no matter that Shinji was having feelings for Shuuya.

He didn't know how long he was alone in his room after that. He put in earbuds after a while, but he didn't get anything productive done. He hated that; not doing anything productive, that was. He always liked to be doing something, whether it be one of his three favorite activities or something else. Even schoolwork was usually a better idea than lying on his back on his bed with his earbuds in, but that was what he was doing. There was a restless urge, right at the base of his spine, that made him want to get up, but his limbs were heavy. His limbs and his torso and even his goddam head were heavy, and he couldn't make himself move.

There was a knock on his door, and for a second Shinji thought that he was dreaming. Then the knock came again, this time louder, more insistent, and he pulled out his earbuds. "Come in," he said, fully expecting Yutaka and sitting up faster than he thought possible when he saw it was Chisato. His back hit the wall and she jumped backward, covering her eyes, and he realized that he was almost completely naked. He'd crawled out from under his blankets after a few hours of sweltering beneath them, and he gave half a seconds thought to letting her suffer, but eventually sat with his bottom half covered.

"So," he said, raising an eyebrow. "I think I know why you're here."

"Can you put on a shirt?" she asked, her voice muffled. She backed out of the room, shutting the door, and he got dressed with a sigh.

"You're good now," he said. She came back in, a little hesitant, but relaxed when she saw that he was fully clothed. He ran a hand through his hair, hoping that he could get at least a little bit of spike instead of the crushed horror it probably was. "So he sent the picture to you, too, then?"

"Yeah," Chisato said. Her voice was quiet – well, quieter than usual – and she was staring at her hands, twisting her phone between them like a washcloth. "So you've seen it, then?"

"Yutaka was over earlier," Shinji said. He wondered if he should lie to her, because he didn't really want someone like Chisato to know real details about his sex life, but too many versions of the story would fuck it up for him even more. "And I didn't f- have sex with him. He just –"

He hesitated. There was something about Chisato that seemed so naïve, so childish – and he didn't particularly want to talk to her about handjobs. But she was here, and she looked like she wanted to know, so, fuck it.

Chances were, it would drive her further away from him, and then he wouldn't have to reevaluate his views on women. Would be best for everyone, really.

"He gave me a handjob," Shinji said. "That's it."

Chisato blanched and Shinji gave her an easy smile. They inhabited the room in silence for a bit, Shinji sitting and Chisato still standing by the door, and Shinji wondered how long it would take to get to everyone in school. Would it make him more of a curiosity for older girls, or would it make them not want him? He thought the former, certainly – he was too attractive for them to give up completely – but what of the basketball team? How would they react? He was only certain of one of his teammates' reactions.

That teammate was Kazuo Kiriyama.

That reaction was no reaction.

"Oh," Chisato said, finally speaking. Her face was still paler than it should have been; her lips were pursed and her hands were moving around the phone faster than before. Shinji idly wondered if she'd be good at getting guys off, with that dexterity. Probably, but she was such a nervous one, so she might botch it on that alone, but with enough practice-

Focus, Mimura, focus.

"Yeah," Shinji said. He leaned back, propping himself up on his elbows. "Is that all, or do you want the details?"

"N-no. I mean, yes, I mean, I'm leaving," Chisato said, turning and walking straight into Shinji's mother, who had brought up tea. Shinji scowled. He didn't know why she was still at home, and especially why she was bothering him.

"Oh, are you leaving? I made tea," she said, with a kicked puppy voice that made Shinji madder than hell. She shouldn't be coming in here, acting all victimized because nobody wanted her damn tea, and he opened his mouth to say so when he saw Chisato looking at him. So he closed his mouth and gave her a tight-lipped smile.

"Sorry," he said. "She's leaving."

"I'm sorry," Chisato said, ducking her head and rushing out. His mother looked lost, clutching the tray, and Shinji turned to his computer. If he couldn't do anything else, he could at least lose himself in hacking or something. Take down a government before supper, how about that? He sure as hell wasn't going to be hanging out with friends today; he'd already sent all of them away.

"Shinji," his mother said. Her voice was hesitant, quiet, and he ignored her. She said it again, this time louder. "Shinji."

"What," he said, snapping it out and letting her know exactly how much he didn't want her around.

"I- I thought maybe we could talk, you never-"

"I'm busy," Shinji said. He tapped his fingers restlessly on his mouse as he waited for his computer to boot up. "Not like you'd get what that's like, but, trust me. I don't have time for this."

"Oh," his mother said, turning. He heard his door swing shut and bared his teeth in what could've been either a grin or a grimace. Talking to his mother always left him with a bad taste in his mouth.

do I know what I'm doing? No. will I continue to not know what I'm doing and write this anyway? yes.