I'm really excited about where this story is heading, I've got the next couple of chapters planned and I know where I want to end it! Although I hope it won't be too soon! I have wanted to write something with Johanna in it for a while and this just felt perfect. Let me know what you think!
Disclaimer: As always, I don't own the characters brought to life by Andrew Marlowe. Sadly.
A small figure caught her eye; standing quietly in the doorway, watching with sleepy eyes; a delicate hand wrapped around Samson the elephant, the other curled tightly in the sleeve of her Minnie Mouse pajamas. Johanna Beckett smiled softly, pretending not to notice her daughter as she crept closer, trying to be 'sneaky, like you've got chocolate and you don't want to share,' like her father had taught her. Her bare feet slapped lightly on the hardwood floor as she crossed the kitchen towards the living area.
"Oh no, there must be a mouse in the house…" Johanna said quietly, her eyes fixated on the paper in front of her, waiting. "I might have to set a trap and…catch it!" She cried, spinning around in her chair to wrap her arms around her daughter, now standing just behind the chair. Katherine squealed, giggling.
"I'm not a mouse Momma!" Katherine exclaimed, flailing her legs around as Johanna lifted her easily off the floor, bringing her onto her lap. Katherine perched there carefully, crossing her legs beneath herself and leaning her head on her mother's shoulder. "If I were a mouse, Samson wouldn't be my friend. Elephants are 'fraid of mice you know."
Johanna laughed at her daughter's serious expression. "You're quite right Katie, you're not a mouse. But I bet, Samson would be your friend no matter what." Keeping one arm wrapped around her daughter's body, Johanna carefully twisted back towards the table, and picked up the pen she'd discarded beside the paper.
Katherine yawned, observing the paper with as much interest as a six year old could muster at 7:30am on a Saturday morning. "What are you doin' Momma?"
"It's a crossword Katie. I'm trying to figure out these clues here," Johanna indicated with her pen, "so I can write the answers in here." She moved her pen over to the intricately arranged boxes, tilting her head to watch her Katherine's face.
"Oh."
Johanna prepared herself for the next words: 'That sounds boring, can I go watch cartoons?' She sighed softly, resignedly; it was inevitable that her daughter would take after her father, preferring visual stimulation over mental; or, sleep over early mornings. However, her daughter uttered three words that borne the mother-daughter Saturday morning crossword tradition that would continue for thirteen years:
"Can I help?"
"Katiebug, paper's here!"
Jim walked down the hallway, calling out to his daughter. Suddenly he found himself flattened against the wall as the blurred outline of Kate rushed down the hall, towards the living area and her mother. Jim smiled; although after eight years of this tradition, he still didn't understand the allure of crosswords, he was glad Johanna had introduced Kate to the 'art of words', as Johanna so often put it. Chuckling softly to himself, Jim carried on down the hall to the study; beware any man who enters the living area during crossword time.
"Eight down…five letters…blank baritone…" Kate muttered, tapping the pen against her temple.
"Lyric." Johanna's voice floated in on the smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen; their last coffee together before Kate went back to college. "Lyric baritone. Did you know that a lyric baritone is actually higher than a dramatic baritone?" Johanna walked in smoothly, carrying two cups in her hands.
Kate grinned up at her mother, her eyes dancing. "Yeah I know that Mom. You told me, remember?"
Johanna paused, remembering. "Oh I did, didn't I? You were stuck on that clue for ages and you didn't want any help. I think you sat at the table for a good two hours, reading through the dictionary and the encyclopedia." Johanna smiled wistfully at the memory; her little Katie had grown up so fast.
Kate laughed. "Yeah, until I gave up and asked you! I was so annoyed!" Accepting the cup held out by her mother, Kate drank slowly, closing her eyes and savouring the taste; her mother made the best coffee she'd ever tasted. "Mmmm, delicious as always Mom."
They sat in contented silence for a few minutes, the clock on the wall ticking down their remaining time until Kate needed to leave. All too soon, Kate was standing up and gathering her bag, Jim came inside from loading her car, and Johanna smiled gently; all of a sudden she was watching Kate, the six year old; Kate, asking for help; 'Lyric' written in shaky handwriting.
"I'll see you really soon." Kate grinned; already full of anticipation for the trip to Coney Island they were going to be taking in a few weeks. Stepping forward into her father's arms, Kate wrapped her own tightly around his waist and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Bye Dad, I love you."
"Love you too Katiebug." Jim returned, his eyes suspiciously misty.
Kate turned and found herself swept up in her mother's tight embrace. "Be good Katie. I love you."
"I love you too Mom." Kate said quietly, planting a kiss on her cheek too. Slinging her bag over her shoulder, Kate walked towards the door, her parents in tow. Turning on the doorstep, Kate waved. "See you later alligator!"
Her parents smiled. "After a while, crocodile."
"Kate?"
Kate started, the memories fading away as quickly as they'd surfaced. A hand was waving in front of her face; Sarah, her detoxification partner, and now, integrated roommate, was looking at her worriedly. "You okay there?"
"Uh." Kate breathed throatily. The paper that Sarah had brought out to the table was lying in front of Kate, opened at the crosswords and cartoons page. Kate blinked her eyes rapidly, scrunching her face slightly. "Yeah, Sarah, I'm fine…fine." Standing up quickly, Kate ran a hand through her loosely tied up hair, fidgeting. "I, uh, I can't, um…I can't do this."
Sarah watched, perplexed, as Kate half walked and half ran back towards the building, away from the sunlight and chirping birds. As she watched, a muffled sob broke the stillness of the morning. Sarah frowned slightly, confused.
"Hey Sarah." Dean, a nurse, sat down at the table in the seat Kate had just vacated. Sarah had taken a liking to him instantly when he'd come to the detoxification wing and introduced himself to everybody. He had a warm, comforting look about him. Kate was more wary of Dean, and anyone else for that matter; she kept to herself.
Sarah bit her lip, still thinking about the odd manner in which Kate had departed. "Hey Dean."
"Was that Kate I saw just now?" Dean queried, shading his eyes against the sun.
"Uh, yeah, it was. I think I said something wrong." Sarah said quietly, glancing at the paper in front of her.
"Oh?"
"I just asked if she wanted to help me with this crossword. She looked at me weirdly and blanked out, then said she had to go or something. She's past the detox stage by now isn't she?" Sarah looked at Dean, hoping he'd have some insight into Kate's behaviour.
"Everything is out of her system, but everyone is different with how they adjust to rehab. Kate needs time to figure out how to deal with the monsters inside, along with everybody else." Smiling reassuringly, Dean gestured to the few people who were out enjoying the spacious garden; some were reading, some were lying in the sun and a mysterious looking young man was gazing into the distance, earphones pushed into his ears; he was looking to block out the world.
A beeping sound brought Sarah's attention back to Dean, who was looking down at a pager strapped to his belt. "Ah I'm needed. Listen," Dean picked himself up off the bench and straightened his shirt, choosing his words carefully. "It's a huge emotional and physical upheaval, rehab; but this is when Kate will need people around her the most, and you two seem to be getting along pretty well. She'll talk when she's ready." Waving goodbye, Dean hurried off. Sarah sighed, her eyes once again falling on the boy with the headphones. He turned his head as she was looking at him, and they gazed at each other for a few seconds before he turned his attention back to the space in front of him. Sarah cocked her head to one side; that boy looked familiar, but she couldn't place him. Shrugging, she turned her attention back to the crossword before her.
Kate steadied herself against the sink in the bathroom, breathing heavily. Raising her eyes to the mirror, she saw a pale, gaunt version of herself looking back. Her eyes were glassy and red, her cheeks tear-stained; her throat hurt from crying so much. Kate shook her head sadly, disbelieving; 'Is this really me?'
"I'm such a mess." The whisper was barely heard by her own ears, but it was there; like a cracked musical note straining to reach the audience.
Kate was restless. One foot was tapping against the floor and her eyes kept flickering toward the door, hoping this would be over soon. Glancing around at the seven people gathered in the room with her, she sighed. She didn't want to talk to these people, at all.
"Okay everybody, let's get started shall we?" Dean walked in the door, greeting the eight people before him with a bright smile. "For those of you who I haven't met yet, I'm Dean and I'm the charge nurse here at Serenity. This is Claire and most of you will have met her on your arrival at the centre." Dean indicated the blonde woman behind him, who Kate recognized as the nurse she'd woken up to on her third day in the detox wing. "Let's all take a seat."
Kate sat, on a squishy armchair that practically swallowed her. At least she could be comfortable while trying to get through this. On her left was a tall African American boy who constantly cracked his knuckles and on her right, a freckly red-haired girl whose smile didn't reach her sad eyes. This was the first time in almost a week that she'd been in a room with anyone apart from Sarah and the two other girls in their room: Kaley, a large girl who had a history of alcoholism and Minah, a petite Asian girl who'd succumbed to the pressure of school and started using heroin. Neither Kaley nor Minah were with this group, having already had their therapy session early in the morning. They were both due to check out the next day, a fact that saddened Kate. She wanted to go home.
A nudge in her ribs caused Kate to look around; everyone was looking at her expectantly, the boy on her left having brought her attention back to reality.
"So, has anybody got anything they want to talk about?" Claire asked the group at large, looking around at each of them. No one volunteered; all of the patients shrank back into their chairs, willing someone else to speak up.
"Okay, how about…you, Kate?" Claire looked at Kate, with something resembling…pity?
"How about me what?" Kate responded blandly, unwilling to talk about herself. "I don't have anything to say."
Claire regarded her carefully. "Are you sure? Everyone in this room is here to give and receive support, there's no judgment. This is a safe environment."
"Fantastic. When I have something to say, I'll make sure to alert you." Kate's voice is too sweet to be taken sincerely. Casting her eyes downward, Kate twists her hands together and focuses on the lines on her hands. To her relief, Claire seems to let it go, for now.
"I'd like to say something, if that's okay." Sarah pipes up from the opposite side of the circle, her voice shaking and quiet. "To everyone, but especially to you, Kate." Waiting to see if Kate will raise her head, Sarah remains quiet for a beat. When Kate doesn't look up, Sarah continues softly. "I've only known you a few days, but I consider everyone here a friend. And I like to think I'm a good listener, so if anyone wanted to talk…I'm here. We're all here for each other, so I think we should talk…" Sarah fades away, looking around anxiously. A couple of faces nod, showing agreement. Taking support from this, Sarah speaks up clearer, finishing strongly. "Because if you don't open up, you'll never heal."
There's a pause of silence after Sarah's speech, until Dean leans forward and offers his encouragement. "Well said, Sarah. I know how difficult this is for all of you, but talking really does help."
"Kate," Sarah asks tentatively, curiously. "Why did you storm off when I asked about the crossword?"
Kate froze, her eyes remaining locked on her hands. She could feel the eyes of everyone on her, waiting. Hot tears threaten to spill over her eyelids and the familiar burn in her throat starts bubbling up towards her mouth. Stiffly, Kate raises her face to glare at Sarah. "That's none of your…business." Her voice is quiet, controlled and deadly.
Sarah doesn't flinch; instead she leans forward slightly and rests her elbows on her knees. "Does it have something to do with Mark?"
Mark.
"How do you know that name?" Kate bites out, her jaw twitching from the effort of remaining clenched.
Sarah looked apologetic, sympathetic. "You, uh, talk in your sleep."
Kate just looks at Sarah. What right does she have to bring this up?! "Shut up." Kate whispers, tears now flowing down over her cheeks. Her hands are twisting furiously in her lap. Dean and Claire are watching her with matching sympathetic expressions on their faces. The rest of the group is anxious, no one offering any words.
"It's not your fault he died."
"Shut up." Kate says loudly, starting out of her chair. "You have no right to talk about shit you don't understand!"
Sarah stands up too, facing Kate with everything she has. "It's not your fault Kate! Because-"
Why, Kate didn't want to know. Running towards the door, Kate wrenched it towards her and took off down the corridor. She thought she could hear someone behind her, calling her name, but she didn't care. She just wanted to get out of this place. She wanted to go home. Blindly running through the halls, Kate eventually found herself collapsing on a couch in the common room, where the television was playing re-runs of I Love Lucy. Sobbing, Kate buried her head in a cushion, screaming until she felt her voice growing hoarse.
"Hey."
Kate stalls, bringing her face out of the cushion. One of the boys from the group is sitting down next to her, a tentative smile on his face. Kate glares, sitting up straight and as far away from him as possible.
"Go away."
The boy holds up his hands, as though offering peace. "If you don't want to talk, that's fine. But I'm not leaving you."
Kate intensifies her glare, hoping to stare him into submission. "Leave me alone." She repeated through clenched teeth.
"No." The boy said simply, folding one leg underneath him on the couch. "I'm Richard, by the way. You can call me Rick."
Kate considers him, still angry that he won't leave her alone. "Nice to meet you Richard, I'm Kate. Now piss off." Kate leans her head back on the couch, staring up at the plastered ceiling.
Rick shifts slightly on the couch, getting more comfortable. "I'm a writer. I've written two best-selling novels and I'm going to write another 25, I reckon. My girlfriend was an alcoholic and she drove drunk one night and killed a man. She killed herself before her trial. I checked myself into rehab because I could feel myself going down the same track; it got to the stage where I needed to drink to survive. Losing her almost killed me. My mother found me one morning passed out, in a pool of vomit; my daughter was upstairs in her cot, crying from hunger. I hadn't fed my daughter in nearly eight hours. I almost killed myself and left my daughter without any parents. That's my story."
Kate lifts her head slowly, digesting what she's just heard. "You have a daughter?"
Rick smiles gently. "Yes, Alexis. She's nearly two."
"And she doesn't have a mother?"
Rick shook his head. "Nope. She does not."
Kate could feel herself beginning to cry again, and she hastily wiped her eyes. "Why are you telling me this?"
Rick tilted his head and bit his lip. "Because I know how you're feeling. I know how lonely it is in the darkness because I've been there. And, no matter how hard you try to deny it, you need someone to lean on. You need someone to love you."
Kate felt her lips twitch at this. "Are you saying you'll love me?"
Rick laughed softly, his eyes shining. "No, it doesn't have to be me, but…Kate, I know you feel awful, but your life if changing and that's not a bad thing. And you're in the perfect place for it, surrounded by grace."
Kate nodded, lowering her eyes to her lap. "My mother died six months ago." She said quietly, her voice timid and nervous.
Rick sighed softly, stretching out his hand to her. "I'm so sorry Kate."
Kate looked at his hand, waiting for her to move. Was this it? Was this the moment to choose between loneliness and being loved, having someone to talk to? 'You're stupid if you waste this chance, Kate.' 'I know. I'm tired of being alone.'
Kate reached out her hand and threaded her fingers through his. Someone to lean on.
"Don't let me fall." Kate whispered to their joined hands more than anything, but Rick heard it clearly. Moving over to sit next to her, Rick squeezed her hand reassuringly. "Lean on me Kate."
Lean on me
when you're not strong,
I'll be your friend,
I'll help you carry on.
Bill Withers