A/N: Thank you for reading and reviewing! Sorry I've taken a while to update, I've had no motivation to write for this. I hope this update is okay and up to standards as I'm a little unsure myself. Will update as soon as I can as I'm really busy at the moment. X
~Mini Peacelet~
Born To Fly - Part 7
Liberating herself from her perch subsequently to being constrained to her seat - temporarily paralysed - as she desperately endeavoured to digest the detail that her wife had purposely impeded her IVF treatment, she apologised to the doctor and dashed to locate Nikki. Masses of perplexed thoughts swirled around her head, coveting for answers. She just didn't understand.
Hurtling through the mechanised door, she scanned the room briskly for the brunette before darting into the restrooms. She comprehended that Nikki would have gone somewhere private to be alone, refusing to allow people to see her in such a vulnerable state. And her thoughts were correct. "Nikki," she breathed tenderly, anger fading when she perceived her internally fragmented wife. Her orbs were still wild with dismay and mystery though.
The deputy head didn't even compel to a feeble attempt of raising her head, concealing her tear saturated orbs and cheeks, puffy and red, and the irregular, muffled sobs. She was currently incapable of confronting her wife, cowardly choosing to position an invisible mask over her fears and problems. "I'm sorry," she whispered faintly.
Christine enveloped the younger woman into her embrace despite Nikki not being particularly receiving to the intimate contact. "I'm not angry with you...well perhaps a little annoyed but nothing major. I just don't really understand, I thought you wanted a baby and were happy to go through with this?"
Reluctant, the brunette finally tilted her head upwards, hazily gazing bleakly into the distance vacantly and applying her focus to the lacklustre wall. She elevated her arm and swiped away the stationary tears viciously. "I do." She couldn't decipher if she was trying to convince Christine or herself, but her tone was a stifled babble, "It's just...I don't know. It's too complicated." Everything was a turmoil twister, she couldn't think straight. It was a disorderly jumble; anxieties, fear, misery, rage, and remorse.
The older female had the experience and knowledge to not push her for an explanation directly. She needed to be diplomatic yet cautious. Tactfully prizing her from her durable shell. Her first priority was to calm her wife down though, tracing soothing circles on her back and instructing her to inhale deep and lengthy breaths. "You know you can tell me anything. But if today has taught me anything, then that is that there are gaps in our relationship." She punished herself for not noticing Nikki's desolation - although Nikki did conceal it impeccably. And had silently learnt that there was evidently a trust fault somewhere as well.
Nikki had heaved herself to her feet shakily, planting the palms of her hands flat against the marbled surface surrounding the sinks for support. She scrunched her eyes closed, pursing her lips momentarily as she shook her head forlornly, "I can't tell you." She murmured mutedly, exhaling a wretched and equally tense sigh.
"Can't or won't?" Christine regained her equilibrium, propping herself against the painted wall. She studied her wife closely, curious about the secret she seemed to be hiding. Perhaps her response had been more cutting - too cutting - than intended, but she was only wishing, maybe prying, to extract the truth from her.
She shrugged futilely, "You'd hate me." The teacher stated matter of factly, gnawing on her bottom lip. Christine merited a justification. She was just mentally rehearsing what to say, and terminating her rationalisation for as long as she could with trivial excuses.
"How can you be certain of that? Try me."
Nikki ran her tongue coarsely over her dry lips, throat suddenly becoming parched and she was unable to swallow properly. She fiddled with her fingers, impotent of looking her wife in the eye, "I...I-I have a daughter." She murmured quietly with falters.
The blonde's breath piled in the back of her throat, she hadn't been sure what to expect, but it definitely wasn't that confession. "A d-daughter?" She stuttered, Scottish accent thick.
The former army captain nodded, "Yeah," she clarified mutedly, some what reassured that Christine didn't appear to be too angry, more in a state of shock. Understandably. "A daughter, Eve. She's seventeen."
It was a lot to process, considerable as a bombshell. A whirlwind of questions flurried around her head. Why had Nikki never told her about this? It was something so vast to keep a secret. Was there anything else that the brunette hadn't admitted? Why wasn't Eve with her mother? "Why didn't you tell me?" She queried, bewildered.
Nikki shrugged again, fumbling over her sentence, "I didn't think it was relevant. You will never meet her. I will never see her again." She said simply, exhaling a long sigh as she raked her slender fingers through her untamed, chestnut-coloured hair.
"How do you positively know that? Did something happen? You can tell me the truth, no matter how bad it is." The headmistress encouraged, tone placid and composed. She hadn't lost her temper at the unpredicted announcement.
She sighed forlornly. Why did everything have to be so complicated? She feared Christine's reaction to her reasons, scared that she would spoil the entire of their relationship she was desperate to salvage. Shaking her head, she erased the single teardrop harshly that had leaked from her broken, glassy orbs.
"Come on, Nik. I'm not here to judge. I just want to be able to understand. She promised as she situated her hand on her wife's back, rubbing tiny, comforting circular motions.
The brunette inhaled a deep breath, "I was nineteen, stupid and foolish. I married a man - Stuart - when I hadn't known him a great deal of time, met him in the army. It didn't last long...I fell pregnant and I wanted an abortion. I wasn't ready for the responsibilities that came with a baby. But her found me in time, begged me not to. He wanted that child. We made a deal, I'd have the baby and he would raise it. I was ambitious and career orientated." She paused momentarily, staring at the floor, "I had her, and I thought I'd have that moment when your baby is first born and when you're just looking at her and thinking that it was all worth it. But I felt nothing. I felt empty." She mumbled. "I left the hospital without my baby, he pleaded with me to keep in contact but I made him tell her that I was dead. I thought it would be easier if I was just erased. I'm sorry."
Christine now completely cognised and appreciated the English teacher's actions and behaviour. It all made rational sense. "Nik, I wish you had told me. You should have said if you didn't want a baby, I'd have understood."
"I do want a baby, but what if it happens again? What if I don't feel anything and can't connect with the child. It's not fair on him or her." She whispered feebly, finally engaging with eye contact and falling into the older female's secure arms.
"I can't guarantee that it won't, I'm sorry. There is no magic combination that you don't know. It's up to you if you want to go through with this. If you do, we should stay positive. If it happens, then we'll face it when it does. Sometimes we have to take risks, we were all born to fly but we have to find that confidence. I'd hate for you to live regretting that you could have tried to bond with a baby again." She was being honest, that was the reality.
Nikki nodded as she compelled herself to pull herself together, "Okay, I'll do it. We are in this together." She sounded more confident and certain but there were remaining hints and wavers of panic and ambiguity.