Warning: This is a fairly long chapter.
Anna wiped the tears from her eyes as she lifted her head up from its current position. She groaned in pain not believing how heavy and stiff her neck and head could be after keeping her face buried in her knees for thirty minutes straight. After the initial shock and pain washed over Anna, she looked at the throne that sat before her several feet away. The singular throne was meant for her sister Elsa since was Queen of Arendelle sole ruler of the kingdom. The singular throne reminded Anna of how it took the place of her and Elsa's parents' thrones. She remembered how she used to play in the ballroom with hers and Elsa's dolls pretending that her sister was right there beside her playing with their dolls. But no matter how she pretended that Elsa was by her side, Anna knew she wouldn't come out of her room after that fateful day when Elsa had to be removed from their old bedroom to a room that become her own bedroom. That was the worst day of Anna's life-not being allowed to be a part of her sister's life. It hurt Anna so much thinking of the past. It did not matter that she knew the reason why Elsa had to shut her out because it still hurt her on the inside. All Anna wanted to do was be part of Elsa's life not just because they were sisters and best friends, but also because that Elsa was her ideal companion. She was the person she could count on to make her feel better about fear and nightmares she had when their mother couldn't comfort her or she simply preferred Elsa and Elsa would welcome her with open arms. Elsa was the one who she looked up to; she was Anna's role model, her teacher on life lessons.
As Anna stared at Elsa's throne in the ballroom, she tried so hard to rid herself of such painful memories. She knew Elsa had her reasons for not being around, but that didn't mean Anna didn't leave her childhood emotionally unscathed. Yet again even if Anna still had emotional scars to tend to while she and Elsa rebuilt their relationship as sisters and best friends, that didn't give Anna the right to give Elsa back the pain and suffering she gave her. Elsa would never hurt her on purpose and Anna was afraid that she did exactly what Elsa would never to do to her. Anna felt that perhaps she did hurt Elsa on purpose and with that she was disgusted with herself. Anna felt like the scum of the earth.
Anna pondered about her being the scum of the earth and found herself trailing lazy circles on the ballroom floor with her right index finger. The more she thought about the term, the more she decided against it. She didn't feel like it appropriately described her. She was more like a herring cruelly and secretly shoved the center of Elsa's favorite chocolate cake with strawberries on top. She would imagine Elsa taking a bite of the delicious cake and finding an oily, little fish jammed in the frosty center and Elsa would be thoroughly disturbed and disgusted. That's what Anna saw herself as: the unwelcome herring in Elsa's cake, the unwanted piece of food that indefinitely ruined the cake and mood destroying any trace of happiness in Elsa's life.
Anna continued to think of how she was a herring in a cake and then started to believe that Karen would make a much better sister to Elsa than she could ever be. Karen would the almond shavings added to the top that Elsa loved so much. She wouldn't be a herring shoved in the middle of the cake. Anna could feel tears well up in her eyes, but didn't bother to wipe them away. She them fall freely as she kept on making lazy circles on the floor clockwise. Anna sniffled every so often. She was so consumed in her self-loathing thoughts that she didn't hear the soft click of heels bounce off the wooden floor that approached her. Nor did she care to look at the person as they sat down on her right side. Anna only realized who was next to her, but refused to look at them knowing full well that they did not simply sit down, but more like floated down like a downy feather. Her voice was thick with sadness and anger.
"What do you want?"
Elsa did not speak. She brought her knees to her chest.
Anna turned her head to expose her red, tear-stained face to her sister.
"How did you find me? Why did you come after me? I told you not to come after me."
Elsa just stared at her throne for a while. "Anna."
Anna hitched her breath. She was caught off guard by the gentleness and sadness that laced itself in her sister's already soft voice. She coiled back staring at her sister. Elsa went off in a dreamland as she continued to speak.
"Do you remember when I told you that the trolls had altered your memory so your life could be spared and you wouldn't know why I stayed away from you? Remember that day?"
A pause and then a forced laugh followed. "I remember how surprised you were and how bad you felt for all the harsh words you told me before you knew I had snow and ice powers and how you wished we weren't separated so we could have grown even closer than where we are now. But I told you that everything would be fine and it was for a while."
Anna didn't say anything. She wasn't sure where Elsa was going with her little speech, but she wouldn't break. She wouldn't let Elsa back in her heart so easily. Elsa turned to face Anna.
"Do you remember that day?"
Anna nodded feeling suspicious of her sister's motives.
"And do you remember from that day on what we did together?"
Anna nodded again.
"So, why now? Why do we have to fight when there's nothing really to fight about? I do know that sometimes siblings fight and often over the stupidest things, but I don't think this was worth fighting over with. You never have to worry about me replacing you. You're my sister, Anna, and I love you."
Elsa took in a deep breath and Anna saw an opportunity to protest, but Elsa continued.
"Although, I can't blame you if you want to replace me with Kirsten. She seems like she would make a better sister for you than I could ever be to you."
Anna was shocked. She never considered the possibility that Elsa would turn the tables on her and have self-doubt believing the same thing she feared for my majority of the late morning and early afternoon when Elsa seemed to have preferred Karen's company. Anna dumbly blinked at Elsa.
"Replace you?"
Elsa offered Anna a weak smile. "I'm glad you're speaking to me at least."
"What are you talking about Elsa? I thought I was only one who has to worry about being replaced."
"Well, I guess you're not alone. But why did you feel that I was going to replace you? Why were you jealous of Karen spending time with me?"
"Why do you care? I'm just the spare!"
Elsa coiled in shock. But she quickly collected her nerves and straightened out her back.
"Is that what you're worried about the most? You think because you're 'the spare' that I could care less about you and easily replaced you with one seemingly better than you?"
"Yes. Well, no! I mean, it's not the main reason why I felt so jealous toward Karen. It's part of the reason though. Being reminded that I'm just the spare has left me wondering about my value as a member of the royal family and as a person in general. I wish there was days when I could have told you how inadequate I felt to you because you were Mama and Papa's first born, their heir to the throne, their perfect daughter. You're just so good at everything Elsa!"
"I'm not good at everything."
"Yes, you are! And don't you dare say you're not good at being my sister because after all that I know I can't hold anything against you. I'm the one who can't do anything right."
"Now, listen to me, Anna. There are plenty of things you are good at."
"I know, but I'm just the spare."
"Stop that!"
Anna stumbled backwards on her back and looked up at Elsa. She could see the fury swirling around her sister's ice blue eyes.
"You're not just a spare. I never saw you as a spare. I saw you as my younger sister that I would be willing to do anything to protect her even go as far as protect her from myself because she's worth the pain and suffering I had to go through. I see you as my little sister who's worth every ounce of my love that I can summon from my heart and shower you with it because as far as I know you only deserve all the love in world and being able to be happy, healthy, and safe. Anna, I see you as my precious little sister no matter how old or experienced you get because I care so deeply for you. I NEVER saw you as a spare. I only saw you as my little sister that meant the world to me and my best friend who I could depend on to make me feel happy and loved."
Anna was dumbfounded, blinking at Elsa while trying to support herself with her elbows. Elsa offered her hand and Anna took it. Elsa helped Anna sit up straight. Anna stared at her sister's eyes and tried to process what Elsa told her. She wanted to believe her but too many things that happened piled up against Elsa's sincere statement. Anna bit her lip.
"If that's true then why did I feel that you favored being around Karen than me? You know if you didn't shush me so much during the tour I might have thought differently."
"I'm sorry about that, Anna. I didn't mean to shush you so much or seem like I didn't want to talk to you. It's just that I wanted to be a good hostess to Princess Karen and Princess Kirsten and I got a little irritated when you tried to distract me because I was so focused on giving them a proper tour. That's when I realized that I should make a peace offering to you letting you I wasn't mad at you. That's why I offered for you to join me and Karen for tea."
"That's why you offered for me to join you two for tea? Because you felt bad and wanted to make it up to me?"
Elsa shyly nodded.
"I thought you were testing me or mocking me."
"Anna, why would I do that?"
Anna shrugged her shoulder. "I guess…I guess…", a pause and blush, "I guess I think crazy thoughts when I'm jealous. You know the saying: people do crazy things when they're in love. Although, I'm not in love with you, but I do love you very much and I guess jealousy has a similar effect on people and make them do stupid things and think ridiculous thoughts."
"I'll say…"
"But that doesn't explain why you laughed at me! Why, Elsa?"
"Laugh at you? When did I laugh at you?"
"Back in the tea parlor when I was about to leave to use the bathroom and you and Karen laughed behind my back!"
"I didn't laugh at you."
"But you did laugh at me."
"No, I didn't. I may have been laughing with Karen, but not at you."
"What was Karen laughing about?"
"You."
"Then how could you not be laughing at me when she was laughing at me and you were laughing with her? Explain to me how you weren't laughing at me?!"
"Karen made a little joke about you trying to break some tension away from the atmosphere and I was about to her that I didn't find her joke funny, but she looked at me expectantly and she made me feel nervous. I had let out a nervous laugh."
Anna blinked once. Then twice. "What? That was a nervous laugh?"
"Yes. Don't you know how my different laughs sound like?"
"Yes. But….". Anna blushed, "I guess I was angry so I didn't notice."
"That's okay. I didn't expect you to be happy to be near me."
Anna quickly turned her head away and crossed her arms.
"Whatever. You still hurt me. When I was trying to make amends with you before we entered the tea parlor, you didn't give the light of day to explain myself."
"You're right, I'm sorry. I was mad at you because I felt so hurt and betrayed when I heard you yell out loud that you hated me in the garden. For all I knew you probably wished you had proclaimed your deep hatred for me out to the whole world."
Anna could feel her voice break as she reached to touch Elsa's shoulder, but didn't care.
"Elsa?"
Elsa turned her head away from Anna before she could see tears run down her face.
"I was so confused and hurt as to why you said you hated me."
"But you know now why I said that and I only said it because I was felt hurt and betrayed by you since I was jealous. You know that I don't hate you."
Elsa wiped away her tears and looked back at Anna.
"How can I know you don't hate me?"
"I could never hate you, Elsa. But that doesn't mean I won't occasionally get mad or frustrated with you."
Anna slipped her hand from Elsa's shoulder remembering something. Her face got a little red.
"Which reminds me, why didn't you tell me about your time in the prison cell? How come Karen heard it before me? You know that was the worst part for me when I thought you didn't trust me enough to tell me an important and intimate part of your life? Do you know how frustrated and hurt I felt overhearing you and Karen talk in the tea parlor? I felt so terrible that I ran to the garden where Kirsten and Kristoff crying my eyes out. I felt so disowned and unloved. I felt so undeserving of your love when I found out about what you told Karen about your life before me!"
Elsa sucked in a blade of air.
"Anna…."
By this point new tears streamed down Anna's flushed face.
"At least tell me why you shared that piece of information to Karen. I don't just say because she asked."
Elsa placed a hand over her thumping heart.
"Anna, I wanted to tell you first. I actually wanted to tell you a while back before the royal family of Denmark came to visit."
Anna sniffled and sloppily rubbed some tears from her face. "How far back?"
Elsa moved her hand from over her heart and used it to gingerly remove the hand that rubbed away tears on Anna's face. She repositioned her body as she cupped Anna's face in her hands.
"Do you remember the day when we sat on the same bench that would be later occupied by you and Kristoff and we were sharing pieces of our lives that the other missed out on?"
Anna nodded her head.
"Do you remember when the bee stung you?"
Anna gave Elsa another pitiful nod.
"Well, that was the day I was going to tell you about my experience being locked away in a prison cell being put there by Hans. I was planning to tell you my condition in that cell and what I was thinking and feeling as I looked through the small window and saw how frozen over everything was because of my mistake. I was going to tell you, but the bee stung you and you talked about really depressing things while I tried to sooth the pain on your hand. After that I decided to hold off that piece of information when you would be better some other day. I didn't want to further depress you. I was hoping to tell you soon after that, but it slipped my mind. I'm sorry, Anna. I wish you were the first person to know about me being in a prison cell by Hans, but sadly you were not."
Anna covered Elsa's hands with her own and looked at her sister straight in the eyes.
"Really?"
"Really."
Anna curled her finger around Elsa's hands that still rested on her cheeks. She bit her lip again.
"Oh. Okay. Are you mad that I overheard you and Karen? I mean, technically, I eavesdropped on your conversation, but I didn't mean to."
"What where you doing outside the tea parlor? Why did you join us?"
"Okay…Um, don't think I was being stupid or anything like that, but I thought it wasn't my place to join you two once I knew you two had settled down and started drinking your tea. I thought that if I had walked in that I would have interrupted something important and only cause you to hate me or something like that."
"I could never hate you, Anna. I wouldn't mind if you came in. I actually was hoping you would join Karen and me."
"You did? But you sounded that you having such a good time with Karen."
"I was enjoying myself at a certain extent, but that's it. Occasionally I thought of how much better everything would be if you were there to liven up the place. Karen's okay, but she's not you. I hope you don't think of me as terribly obsessed or weird, but I thought of you a lot and how you could make everything better and make tea time much more enjoyable."
"You did?"
Elsa smiled at Anna as she wiped away the last few tears on her sister's cheeks with her thumbs.
"Yes."
"Really?"
Elsa could see a glint of hope in Anna's eyes.
"Yes. In fact, all I thought about when I zoned out while Karen would talk was you. I thought of how you always made me smile and that you were my sunshine. I was thinking of how I could make you remotely happy compared to how happy you make me feel…..You know sometimes, when you and I would spend time together and it would be us two, I tried to outdo Kristoff because I knew I wanted to make you happy, I would have to try harder than him. I knew he was able to make you happy and I was determined to outdo him just so I could make you happy even no matter how much or how long your happiness lasted. I just felt that I had to put in so much energy to be just as effective as Kristoff to make you happy Anna."
"Elsa…."
Elsa dropped her hands from Anna's cheeks and bashfully looked away.
"I know what I just said sounded so stupid and a bit petty, but it's the truth. I can't help but want to be a source of your happiness Anna. I just want to be the best older sister I could be for you. I just want to ensure that you enjoy life to the fullest with as little regrets as possible and living a long, healthy life. But I felt I failed you at different times and I'm sorry."
"Elsa…"
Elsa turned back toward Anna and saw a small smile on her face and felt a hand on her shoulder.
"Were you jealous of Kristoff?"
"No. It was more that I admired him. I admired him in that he practically makes you smile with as little effort as possible. I felt like every time you smiled around me I had to use more energy than Kristoff did. I wanted to be more like Kristoff in the sense that I could effortlessly make you happy."
"Oh, Elsa….You have no idea how wrong you are."
"Pardon?"
"Sometimes, it's really hard for Kristoff to make me laugh or smile when I'd be depressed or frustrated. But when I come back in the castle and find you, you bring me in arms and comfort me and I instantly feel better. I don't know how you get the idea that you have to try so hard to make me. Actually, I feel like I have to try really hard to make you happy."
"Anna, when I try to make you laugh at a joke that I thought you would find funny or tell you uplifting story about a duckling or cat being reunited with their family sometimes you don't smile."
"Elsa just because I don't smile doesn't mean I'm not happy. Typically when that happens I'm trying my hardest not to crack a huge smile or laugh because I'm afraid you might think I was a freak for laughing so hard. I was trying to contain my happiness so you wouldn't have to worry about me ruining your perfect ears."
"Oh, Anna. I wish I knew that. But what did you mean by you felt you had to try hard to make me happy? Just because I don't smile on the outside doesn't mean I'm not smiling on the inside."
"How come?"
"I was usually preoccupied with ways to keep you smiling."
"Whoa…"
"What?"
"That's usually what I'm thinking when I'm with you."
Then Anna smirked at Elsa and leaned in to whisper something in her ear. "And don't tell Kristoff this, but sometimes I even think of ways to make you happy when I'm with him."
Elsa blushed a modest shade of pink while Anna pulled away.
"I try not to play favorites, Elsa, but you seem to outdo Kristoff without even trying."
Elsa's blush darkened to a cherry blossom shade.
"Um…"
"Elsa?"
The blush on her pale disappeared as Elsa refocused her attention on her sister.
"Yes, Anna?"
"Are we okay? I mean, I know we said some pretty hurtful and regretful things to each other, but everything okay between us now?"
"Are you sorry for all you did to me?"
"Yes, Elsa. I'm so, so sorry for how I acted and what I said to you and for making you feel that I hated you. I don't hate you, Elsa, and I never could. I love you."
"I know, Anna. I needed to hear the words come from you. And I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you and I'm sorry that you were jealous of Karen being with me and I would never want any harm to come to you, especially when it comes to your heart. I love you too much to want to let anything bad happen to you. I just want to protect you and know that I love you, Anna. Do you forgive me?"
Anna repositioned herself and wrapped her arms around Elsa's waist pulling herself closer to her sister. Then she tucked her head underneath Elsa's chin and hugged her tightly.
"Yes. I forgive you, Elsa."
Then Anna buried her face into Elsa's skin and softly sobbed. "Do you forgive me?"
Elsa softly smiled to herself and brought one hand to the back of Anna's head and the other one on the middle of her back and pressed her closer to her body. Then Elsa rocked Anna back and kissed the top of Anna's head.
"Yes, I do. I forgive you, Anna. I always will."
The tears on Anna's face dried up and Anna smiled against her sister's skin. An unspoken yet very deep understanding washed over the two sisters as they sat in complete silence content that things were right in the world for them.
After some time, Anna and Elsa reluctantly pulled away from the embrace but kept each other in other's arms. They looked at each other trying to say something to dispel the serious mood looming over their heads. Elsa saw a stray strand of hair poke out from Anna's left ear and tucked it behind it. Anna giggled at the contact. Elsa smiled at her baby sister. She kept a firm yet gentle grip on Anna's shoulders.
"So, what should we do now?"
"Shouldn't we go back to the royal family of Denmark and Kristoff?"
"Actually, Anna, I think we should spend some time together here in the ballroom. The others can wait a little longer for our return. Besides, I have a feeling they don't expect us to join them any time soon."
"Why do you say that?"
"Before I went to go find you, I told them that we would continue the trade agreement after I patched things up with you and that they could wonder around the castle and have dinner and stay the night if they wished. So, we have some free time before we have to return to business with the King and Queen of Denmark for our updated trade agreement. What would you like to do?"
"I don't know."
Elsa looked around the ballroom and debated whether she and Anna should spend time in the ballroom whatever they may choose to do. Elsa considered one option, but was unsure if it was going to be too risky. Ultimately, she decided she would just have to put her faith in her powers and take a chance of what might happen. Elsa stood up and helped Anna up from the floor. A curious expression covered Anna's face more so than her own freckles did. Elsa smirked at Anna.
"Elsa, do you have something in mind?"
"Yes. Just hold onto me for a moment."
Elsa offered her left arm to Anna and her sister took hold onto it with a gentle yet passionate grip. Elsa then stomped her right foot and ice sprawled out from underneath her and Anna and covered the whole ballroom floor. Anna began to slide away, but Elsa caught her and held onto her hand tight.
"We're going to have fun just like the night when I accidentally struck you with my magic expect this time you won't get hurt because I'll make that never happens."
Anna couldn't contain her joy. To the bets of her ability without falling on the ice, Anna lunged herself forward and captured Elsa in a warm hug. She buried her face in her sister's neck. "Thank you so much. You're the best sister ever."
A gentle smile graced Elsa's face. She pulled Anna away just enough to look at her blue eyes.
"You ready to have some serious fun and sister bonding time?"
Anna happily bopped her head in agreement with a twinkle in her eyes. "Yeah."
"Well, then. Come on!"
Elsa grabbed Anna's hands and glided backwards dragging her sister along. The two sisters took their time to adjust to innocent happiness once more and traveled back in time to their childhood before their separation as they glided across the ice. And as they glided, they told each other happy and interesting secrets as they as they went around the ballroom. Their conversations and minds drifted off in nostalgia.
To Be Continued…