In the Mind of a Child Chapter 8

Cathexis

Here's a thought for every man who tries to understand what's in his hands. Who walks along the open road of love and life, surviving if he can. Bound with all the weight of all the words I tried to say, chained to all the places that I never wished to stay. As I faced the sun I cast no shadow. When she took my soul she stole my pride. If you take my soul don't steal my pride

-A poem by Asuka Langley Sohryu

My first kiss, Rei thought to herself as she watched Shinji run into the night, her hand still softly touching her cheek. She had no idea being kissed would have such a significant impact on her. She laughed out loud and skipped through the front door of her apartment building. I must be mentally ill, she thought with a smile. After deciding against the elevator she ran the three flights of stairs to her floor and giggled to herself the whole way. When she arrived in her room she leapt onto her bed, took off her socks with her feet and began kicking at her sheets until her bed lay completely disheveled. She even heard her neighbors bang on the wall with a broom. This only served to bring about more laughter from the love struck girl. Once she was finally done with her joyous celebration she had ended up on the floor and was totally out of breath.

Rei did her best not to overanalyze the situation, for once in her life she wanted to actually feel something without worrying about the subliminal implications. He had kissed her, that's all that mattered. She didn't care anymore who he was going to the dance with, she was slightly jealous of course but that only showed that she cared for him. She had decided to trust him. If he kissed her then that meant something. It meant he favored her over other girls, it meant he cared for Rei and Rei alone.

The way Rei saw it, it was all up to her now, Shinji had done the hard part. He had showed the first real sign of affection. He had put himself on the line, it was her turn. All that she had to do now was work up the courage to confess to him exactly how she felt. If there was ever a person she was going to trust it would be him, Shinji Ikari.

After she had halfheartedly remade her bed she decided to change into her nightclothes. She would normally stay up late on Friday night but she was drained, physically and emotionally. Her body still ached from her first martial arts class and running up the stairs hadn't helped the pain in her legs. She flopped down on her bed and spread out her arms and legs, not bothering to use the sheets. Rei blew away an azure colored lock of hair that had fallen in her eyes and sighed to herself that she had gotten in bed with the lights still on. She debated internally about whether or not to get up and finally decided she would eventually cut the lights off if she didn't fall asleep first.

Rei woke up and sleepily cast her crimson eyes to the stippled ceiling mentally wondering why she was awake already. The sunlight that shown through her window alerted her that it was morning, whatever time is was didn't matter, it was still too early.

Its cold, Rei thought to herself as she turned on her side and hugged her pillow. She wondered what Shinji thought about upon awakening. If he thought of her like she was thinking of him. She tried to consider if he would want her to come to the dance tonight. The situation was unfavorable either way. If she went she would have to bear watching Shinji with another girl, she would also run the risk of him thinking that she didn't trust him. If she stayed home she would have to deal with her own insecurities and curiosity. Rei figured that the only real threat to her relationship was Asuka. He had already explained that he wasn't going with her so she convinced herself that she had nothing to worry about.

She sighed to herself as she heard her phone ring. This would be the final push for getting her out of bed. Rei walked to her dresser to cease the incessant ringing and stubbed her toe along the way. Needless to say there was a less than hospitable tone in her voice when she flipped open the phone.

"Yes" She answered curtly. She watched as a small black cat sauntered its way into her window. She couldn't really claim ownership of the feline and she couldn't really call the cat her friend. It had crawled through her window a year ago and visited her on regular occasions for scraps of food. She had tried once to pet the cat but it had scratched her hand in return. Rei didn't even know why she fed the malicious animal. She was convinced that he understood that she was allergic and visited her partly because of that fact.

"Rei…is that you?" The voice nervously replied.

"Wait let me check…yes its me" Rei said as she sat on the floor and began massaging her injured foot. At least the pain in her toe took away from how cold she was in her night gown.

"Do…do you know who this is?"

Before answering in the negative Rei made a point to sigh loudly in the phone. She winced as she heard something glass fall to the ground. When she turned to see what it was, she wasn't particularly surprised to see that her "friend" had found its way onto her tiny kitchen table. If she didn't know any better she would have thought that he was grinning at her.

"It…it's Shinji, are you okay?"

"Shoo!" Rei said as she vainly swatted at the cat. He had jumped off the table and was making his way toward her ready to begin his allergenic assault. "Who did you say this was?" Rei asked as she kicked at the animal and watched as it attached itself to her nightgown.

"It's Shinji"

"Stop Neko!" Rei yelled as the black tabby tore a hole in her nightie. "Shinji?" Rei repeated before sneezing.

"Yeah, I called you once before but you never picked up. I was wondering if you wanted to go to breakfast with me" He questioned.

"I…sure!" Rei replied a bit too energetically.

"I'll meet you at your place in about an hour if that's alright"

"Su…" Rei sneezed a reply and hung up the phone. "I'm not going to feed you if you don't let go" She scolded as her eyes began to water.

"Mao!" The cat replied and unglued itself.

"Why can't you be nice to me?" Rei asked trying to reason with her tormentor. "I feed you and give you a place to sleep when it gets cold, what sense does it make for you to claw my nightgown? Look, Neko, look at this hole. I can't sew, can you sew? You're a cat so I'll answer in your place, no you can't sew. Reason would dictate that if you can't fix something, then don't break it, correct?"

"Mao!" Neko defiantly replied scratching itself behind the ear.

"Because you've been such a little bastard I'm going to make you wait until I finish taking a shower before I feed you. Maybe that way you'll learn" Rei scolded. After she had finished verbally punishing the feline she began the long process of finding what she was going to wear. She figured that if she looked pretty enough for him now, then he would be thinking about her at the dance tonight. She finally decided on a sleeveless, form fitting, black mini dress. The dress's mandarin collar was laced in white and added a slight quasi-religious air. Rei laid the dress neatly on her bed before walking to her bathroom and taking a shower.

When she had finished, she walked into her bedroom garbed in only a towel and found that Neko had decided the best place for a nap was on her dress. "Neko no!" Rei exclaimed as she haphazardly made her way to the bed, her movement restricted by the towel. Before she could yell at the cat anymore she heard a knock at her door. You have got to be kidding.

"Who…who is it?" Rei called.

"It's Shinji"

Rei slightly cracked open the door and peaked her towel covered head outside. "You're early Shinji" Rei said as she felt something graze her bare legs.

"Mao" Neko exclaimed as he began scratching at Rei's make shift clothing.

"Neko stop!" The towel covering Rei's head fell to the floor as she slapped at the cat.

"I could wait if you want" Shinji replied.

Rei had never been in this type of situation before and was completely unsure of what she was supposed to do. She couldn't very well let him in while she was unclothed, but she didn't want him waiting outside either. "I…I'm not dressed yet, give me just a minute" Rei said as she scampered away to put her clothes on.

When she returned to the door she found Shinji lovingly holding Neko. The cat purred softly as he lightly stroked its fur.

"I…I like your hair like that" Shinji said with a slight smile.

"It's just damp" Rei modestly replied as she ran her hands through her hair. "If you're done playing with that mangy cat we can go" Rei said tenderly extending a hand to pet the cat in a truce offering and was punished by its claws.

The weather outside was beautiful. Multicolored leaves littered the sidewalk and whipped in the air creating tiny tornadoes. The sun was still low on the horizon so the temperature was fairly cool. Rei watched as sweat suited joggers ran past heading wherever it was they ran to.

"Where are we going?" Rei asked.

"I figured we could try that new American restaurant up the street a little ways. My mother said they had a really good breakfast menu"

Rei sneezed in response.

"Rei I…I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I know how much it took for you to ask me to the dance. I didn't mean to hurt you I just…" Shinji stopped speaking as Rei interrupted him.

"Shinji its okay" She said with a tiny grin as she took his hand. The blush on his face was proof that she had surprised him. He interlocked his fingers with hers and smiled to himself.

Before they even walked in the door they could smell the food being prepared. They were welcomed by a teenage girl only slightly older than them. She wore her hair in a ponytail and had an apron decorated with various pieces of flair. She lead the two to their seats and assured them that their waitress would arrive shortly.

Shinji chivalrously let Rei sit down first and then took a seat next to her. The thought crossed Rei's mind that she never seemed to be able to use any of her psychology skills when she was with Shinji. If it was anyone else she could read everything from facial expressions to pupil dilation. However when she was with him, she always forgot everything she had learned. She did note that he decided to sit next to her instead of across the table.

"Hello Rei, Shinji" A familiar voice greeted them.

"I didn't know you worked here Hikari" Rei replied giving a little wave.

"I just started; I'm supposed to offer you the specials in English so bear with me if I have trouble pronouncing them. Today, I would like to recommend blue beddie waffus" Hikari stuttered. Before she could continue Rei stopped her.

"I'll take the waffles" Rei said with a smile.

"Uh…yeah I'll have the waffus too" Shinji explained.

"Hikari who is that a picture of?" Rei asked pointing to one of the buttons on the girl's apron.

"It…it's a picture of my boyfriend, Toji" Hikari explained before leaving the table to fulfill their order.

Rei smiled to herself as she felt Shinji take her hand.

"Is this okay?" He questioned, it was obvious he wanted to be more affectionate but he was worried about offending her.

Instead of verbally answering him Rei instead put her head on his shoulder. This is nice. The only thing that would improve her situation was if Shinji knew exactly how she felt. She figured the closer they got, the easier it would be for her to tell him. She was happy now just being in his company. "I wonder what Freud would say about a boy that is holding hands with a girl that looks just like his mother" She said with a mischievous grin.

Shinji squeezed her hand playfully. "You look nothing like my mom Rei"

"You're some kind of computer hacker with spilt personalities that likes girls who look his mom. Even with my background in psychology I couldn't even begin to analyze you. You're so weird I don't even know why I'm letting you buy me breakfast" Rei giggled loudly as Shinji began to tickle her relentlessly.

"I'm weird? You're the one that's clairvoyant. And so jealous too, I saw you staring I me and Shinobu!" Shinji teased.

Rei's eyes went wide at having been caught. She didn't have a chance to offer a response as he continued tickling her. She tried in vain to fight back. He reached behind her back with one hand and pulled her closer to him in and effort to avoid getting hit. They were now cheek to cheek and she was laughing uncontrollably. Suddenly he stopped teasing her and turned his tickling into an embrace. Their faces were so close she could feel his breath on her lips. Kiss me, Rei thought as she looked longingly into Shinji's eyes.

"Um excuse me" Hikari said.

Rei's first reaction was to sit up straight and proclaim "We weren't doing anything"

"How immoral", Hikari mumbled as she set their plates down and walked hurriedly away.

Shinji snickered to himself. "Look you embarrassed her. You could get us kicked out for trying to kiss me like that"

Rei's jaw dropped and she turned a bright shade of red, "I…I didn't do anything. Wait a minute I'm completely innocent. Don't try and shift the blame to me just because you're embarrassed. You should be ashamed of yourself" Rei explained with a grin.

The exchanged glances and laughed before beginning their meal.

"Have you always lived alone?" Shinji asked between bites.

"Not always, I ran away from the orphanage when I was fourteen" Re replied.

"Why would you want to run away?"

"After school I worked as a maid for the headmaster. One day he sent me out of his office because he was going to have a meeting with someone from the city council. Normally I would have just gone to my room but I stayed back this time because kids had been disappearing and I was curious as to what they were going to do about it" Rei replied as she sipped at her orange juice.

"So what did you hear?" Shinji had stopped eating and was giving her full attention.

"He was planning on sending half of the house to a labor camp. As soon as I heard that I grabbed a change of clothes, told as many kids as I could and left for good" She took Shinji's wide eyed shock as permission to continue, "I lived in the streets for about six months until I met Misato. She took me in, fed me and gave me a place to stay until I could afford to move out"

"You're only sixteen, how could you possibly get an apartment and get into high school all on your own?"

"Technically Misato is my legal guardian, so she took care of everything that required an adult's signature" Rei explained calmly.

"It's amazing you turned out so…normal after all that you've been through"

Rei grinned slightly, "I'm not normal, I'm clairvoyant, remember?"

Shinji laughed uncomfortably and looked away.

Rei smiled at Shinji's concern, "Its okay, I'm not upset. I like the person I became, living alone for so long has made me who I am, so I have nothing to regret"

"I…I've just always been so sheltered, I've never been without anything I needed, or wanted" Shinji explained still refusing to look at her as if he were ashamed at his own upbringing.

"I wouldn't wish what I've gone through on anyone Shinji. You have no idea what I had to do just to survive. Be happy that you have parents that take care of you and provide you a home" Rei interlocked her fingers in his, "Shinji look at me, can we please just change the subject?"

"Are you going to the dance tonight?" Shinji asked finally looking at her.

"No, I don't think so" Rei replied.

"Are you sure you're not going to be angry with me if I go with another girl?" Shinji asked, the concern apparent in his eyes.

"Shinji, it meant something that you kissed me last night, didn't it?" Rei asked, her insecurities surfacing. "If it was nothing, let me know, but I…it was special to me"

"It was special to me too Rei"

"You won't forget that will you? That we shared something special?"

"Of course not" Shinji, replied. "We're just going to a dance, that's all"

"Then promise me" Rei pleaded. "Promise me that we will still have something together when the dance is over"

"I…I promise"

End Chapter 8