In the Mind of a Child Chapter 12

Equity

Login:Sannan
Password:xxx
-$ for item in $((dictcrk.sh ./passwdssh/grep wheel)); do ssh -l
$item0 shell. -i finger -lp Zero
Login: Zero Name: Katsuragi Misato
Directory/home/Zero Shell/bin/bash
Phone: 5-1212
cd/ $pwnull 01qwe32 / www.boj.on.jp/members/accnts/x02katsuragimisato341/
bash-2.04 getcard -n -c 09b87357420ff
Searching...Found
Name: Ayanami Rei
Disconnect
Exit

He kissed her. No, worry about that later. Don't let her see you weak. "Asuka, normally I wouldn't waste my time arguing with you because I personally believe that you're half retarded. Today however, I have neither the sympathy nor the patience to tolerate your mental disabilities" Rei said as she stood up, keeping her eyes locked on Asuka.

"If you don't believe me, just ask him Ayanami. Shinji wouldn't lie about a thing like this" Asuka said with a victorious grin as she put her hands defiantly on her hips. "We kissed right on my front porch, the same night he told me I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He took me out after the dance and offered to walk me home, it was amazing! I almost feel sorry for you…almost"

Enough, Rei though as she clenched her fists. "I'm not disputing whether he kissed you. It's completely possible. My question is do you believe the physical affection he showed you to be proof of your relationship with him? In other words, he kissed you so you two are a couple now" Rei said, silently praying Asuka couldn't see the tears that were forming in her eyes.

Asuka stood in silence for a moment, apparently contemplating what Rei had said. "Of course that's what I'm telling you. Shinji isn't the kind of person to just do that with any girl! It means I'm special to him! What else could it mean? Besides, I know you like him too. Stop acting like you're not upset that we kissed!"

"Why would I be upset? He was completely within his rights to kiss you, we aren't dating yet", Rei shrugged, doing her best to show that she was completely indifferent to the shocking news she had just learned. "According to your little theory, Shinji likes me more anyway"

"Wha…what are you talking about?" Asuka asked, her face morphing from that of anger to that of despair.

I've found it, Rei thought to herself as her eyes narrowed, she watched as Asuka twitched under her ever constant gaze. "Shinji and I have already kissed, held each other, and I've even stayed the night at his house. You've known from the moment we met him, that he liked me more. Who did he sit beside when he first arrived? Who does he sit with at lunch? Who does he walk to and from school with? Me." Rei explained in such a monotonous voice it seemed like she was explaining facts rather than trying to win an argument. The calmer Rei appeared, the more Asuka's emotions would get the better of her. "Asuka don't do this to yourself, in all honesty he probably kissed you because he was mad that I haven't confessed to him yet. Apparently you don't know him as well as you'd like to believe. I suppose I should apologize for him because he used you to prove a point to me. You already know everything I've said is true, it's buried in the back of your mind, but it's there. I know you like him Asuka, but that is exactly why you're hurting so bad right now, you believe in his feelings for you. Stop believing in something that's not there"

Rei watched as Asuka's lip began to quiver, her pupils tightly constricted in an unconscious attempt to protect her eyes from something her brain found harmful. Asuka's arms dropped from her waist and went limp by her side. Her auburn hair hid her eyes as she dipped her head. She practically crumbled into one of the plastic chairs circling Rei's table. It worked, Rei thought as Asuka began to sob. Before leaving the coffee shop Rei threw enough money on the table to pay for what she had ordered. "Ciao"

Not yet, Rei thought as she walked hurriedly away from the café doing her best to contain what she was feeling. The tears were now flowing freely down her cheeks. Though she hid her face with her hands it was obvious she was crying and the people on the sidewalk stared at her in shock as she passed them. As soon as she could see her apartment she broke into a full sprint.

By the time Rei made it to her door she was shaking so badly she had trouble inserting her key. Without closing the door behind her Rei fell to the floor and began to bawl uncontrollably. She could no longer contain the things she felt. The emotions she was experiencing were so contradicting it was almost physically painful. The betrayal she felt was especially excruciating because she had never trusted anyone before, she had always relied on herself, never opening up, never giving anyone the chance to harm her. The first time she put her feelings in someone else's hands she had been crushed. I'm smarter than this, Rei thought to herself. Shinji had completely caught her off guard. Normally she could read, in an instant, what kind of person someone was. Never in a million years would she have ever believed Shinji was capable of something like this. She began to feel sick as images of Shinji and Asuka kissing ran through her head. These thoughts were soon replaced with the iconic memory of Asuka collapsing into the chair at the café. Rei cried all the more violently when she recalled what she had done to Asuka. Even though everything Rei said was in self defense, she had gone too far. She had destroyed Asuka, thoroughly and completely, attacking each of her insecurities and breaking everything she was confident in. Rei had killed her spirit, her Eros. I'm no better than her, Rei thought. This is no different from her abusing me because I'm weaker than she is. When did I become so pompous? I took advantage of the fact that I'm smarter than her, how is that more ethically sound than some overgrown bully beating on a small child? Rei brought her knees up to her chest and laid on the ground in the fetal position. She didn't bother to wipe the tears out of her reddening eyes. What if she kills herself because of what I said? Rei knew that Asuka was capable of that. Regardless of how she acted, Asuka was hiding something. She was brittle as glass, her obnoxious front served as armor to keep people away from her true self. With Rei's carefully planned words she had completely bypassed Asuka's defenses, attacking directly, Asuka's ego strength. She had frayed the thread used to attach Asuka's identity to her. If and when the second phase of Rei's attack completed, Asuka would lose herself. All that remained now was for Shinji to tell Asuka he preferred Rei.

Rei couldn't believe she had used her abilities in such a vile way. She couldn't even remember setting up the assault, it happened instinctively, like a reflex to a life threatening situation. Except that the situation wasn't life threatening, it was an argument over a teenage boy, and Rei had used a potentially lethal technique of psychoanalytical warfare. It was true that her education in psychology was her basis of personal defense, but there was also a need for escalation of force. Rei however had skipped straight to one of the arts most destructive maneuvers.

After declining an invitation to hang out with Clous and the rest of his friends Shinji decided to skip work and contemplate his problems in a small park near his school. Rei had once told him that the laughter of a child was therapeutic, so he figured it wouldn't be a bad idea to go where children played. The playground he found was encircled completely by a thin row of trees and had a small fishing pond in the center. Mothers watched from benches as their children played together on the monkey bars. Couples lay side by side in the grass on colorful blankets. If Rei ever forgave him, Shinji thought, he would bring her here one day.

Shinji walked to a relatively vacant side of the park and took a seat on a green wooden bench. He threw his book bag on the ground in front of him and let out a long sigh. Shinji still had no idea what he was going to do about his dilemma. He was surprised someone like him had such a problem. A lesser person would be happy that he had his choice of two beautiful girls. Shinji on the other hand was sick to his stomach. He felt he had already lost Rei. He didn't know her well enough to know how forgiving she was. At least with Asuka he could have a fresh start. Would he just be settling for Asuka because Rei had rejected him or did he actually have feelings for her as well? Before Shinji could think of anything else a man sat down beside him. What the hell? Shinji thought as he looked around at all the vacant benches the man could have sat down at. "Um, excuse me" Shinji said shyly. The man responded by crossing his legs, putting his hands behind his head and closing his eyes. He doesn't speak Japanese, Shinji thought as he rolled his eyes. "Hello…how…are…you…" He spoke slowly so the man could hopefully understand him. Looking to be in his mid-twenties the man was dressed oddly enough, in a black high collared button up shirt, black slacks, and to set it off, a weathered looking black hooded cloak. This all heavily contradicted with the small emerald jewel he wore in his left ear. "Hello…my…name…"

"I presume you're speaking that way out of some disability because I'm sure you know it would make it no easier to understand you if I didn't speak the language. Also, it's never good to assume the ignorance of someone you don't know" The man replied in perfect Japanese without opening his eyes.

"Ah…" Shinji stuttered and blushed. Slightly annoyed he muttered, "Japanese people usually introduce themselves when they meet someone new"

"I'm not Japanese" The man said as he shrugged his shoulders slightly.

"Fine, well why did you have to sit here, there are plenty of benches in the park." Shinji asked motioning to the many available seats.

"Since you're apparently so familiar with traditional Japanese customs I'm sure you're aware that it's rude to speak so firmly with someone older than yourself. Especially if he's a stupid foreigner" The man replied running a hand through his hair. "That is what you're labeling me, correct?"

Who the hell is this guy? He's almost completely ignoring my side of the conversation. "I…I'm not labeling you at all" Shinji lied.

"Tell me something if you don't mind, I've never been to Japan before. I was just wondering if all Japanese teenagers are as unfriendly as you. I wouldn't want to develop an unfair stereotype"

"I'm just having a rough day, I'm sorry. I'm Ikari, Shinji"

"Ho Shinji" The man cheerfully greeted him.

"What? Never mind, what is your name?" Shinji asked.

"What seems to be the reason you're having a bad day" The man replied, again ignoring Shinji's questions.

"Why should I tell you my problems when you won't even give me your name?" Shinji exclaimed.

"Because my name isn't important to you, I presume solving your problem is"

Shinji could only stare back at the man who had still not looked directly at him. There was something weird about this guy. He just didn't fit, didn't seem to belong, regardless of what race he was. "I'm sure my problems are too childish to bother you with sir" Shinji said throwing the man's age back in his face.

"I have no doubt your predicament, while earth shattering from your perspective, is infinitely trivial in the grand scheme of things, still I'd like to help"

Shinji figured there would be no harm in hearing what the man had to say about his ordeal. After all, he had the intellect to make Shinji feel totally ignorant. "Okay then, I have these two girls that like me, I sort of made a promise to one of them but broke it by kissing the other girl. Now I don't know what to do. I could end up losing both of them if I'm not careful. I just don't want to hurt anyone"

"Firstly I believe a solution would more easily present itself once you start being honest with yourself. Since it seems you're incapable of sincerity, I'll help you. You most likely don't care about hurting them. You are more concerned with how you will feel about yourself once the decision is made"

"That's not true at all! I honestly care about both…"

"Secondly, tell me why you deserve the affection of either girl since you obviously have an inability to keep your word" Said the man as he lightly touched the jewel in his ear.

"I…who are you to judge me?" Shinji exclaimed as he stood up from the bench.

"If I'm not mistaken this is called displacement. You're angry at yourself for being too weak to accept your flaws so instead you're turning your anger on me. I haven't judged you at all, I've simply repeated everything you've said, minus of course the self helping twists you've added to your version of the truth. So, I ask again, why is it you think you rate to have either one of these girls care for you since it seems you also have anger problems in addition to a lack of a moral code"

"I…" Wow, even Rei would have trouble dealing with this guy. His sheer presence was downright intimidating. Even Rei had to look someone in the eye before she could play her mind games. This guy on the other hand hadn't even bothered to look at him. He's right though, I really don't deserve either one of them. I've betrayed both…

"Stop wallowing in self pity, you're still trying to take the easy way out. Now answer my question" The man said, his voice and posture still hadn't changed from when he first started talking.

Shinji on the other hand was red in the face and heaving with anger, "Fine! I don't deserve either one of them! All I've done so far is hurt her! Is that what you want to hear?" Shinji exclaimed.

"So you're just giving up then?"

"God damn it what do you want from me!" Shinji yelled.

"I want you to make a decision"

"I just want to make her happy you bastard! I want to be with her! I know it might be selfish and I know I'm not perfect but I want her!"

"Is it her or yourself you want to satisfy?" The man said lightly scratching at his eyebrow.

"Both! Holy Christ, why can't we be happy together?"

"What if she doesn't wish to be with you after what you've done?"

"I want to be with her but her happiness comes first, if she doesn't want me anymore then I can be satisfied with that because in the end she'll be happier!"

For the first time, since Shinji had started speaking with him, the man opened his eyes. "My mistake, I thought you said you had a problem" The man said as he got up, stretched and began to walk away.

Shinji was completely dumbfounded, "Please, tell me your name"

The man turned around and smiled at him. He then shifted his gaze to the sky and spoke so certainly it seemed as though he were conversing directly with someone Shinji couldn't see. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you"

A soft, almost inaudible knock on the door woke Rei from the slumber she had fallen into. The first thing she noticed upon awakening was the black ball of fur that had curled itself next to her. "Neko" Rei said softly as she stroked the sleeping feline's coat. Another knock on the door brought Rei to her feet. When she saw who was standing at the entrance to her apartment her mind went completely blank. For the first time in her life she had no intelligent response to give, instead, she resorted like most people, to physical violence and punched Shinji in the face. She almost immediately apologized and watched as Shinji lost his balance and fell backward into the hallway.

"Damn it!" Shinji screamed. "You hit me in the ear, what the hell?" Shinji was rolling on the floor in pain cradling his injured appendage. "What's wrong with you?"

"Well Jesus I'm sorry. Wait, what do you mean what's wrong with me? You were just knocked off your feet by a girl that weighs like a hundred pounds soaking wet!" Rei exclaimed. Shinji only responded with whimpering as he kicked around helplessly on the ground. "Shinji I know everything, I know you've been lying to me"

Shinji's eyes went wide and he stopped flailing around when he heard what she said, "I…I came to apologize Rei!"

Rei's anger only intensified at Shinji's words, "Apologize, Shinji you broke my trust! You're a liar! Why would I accept an apology from someone like you?"

"I haven't lied to you at all!" Shinji exclaimed as he got to his feet. "Everything I said to you I meant! The only liar here is you, Zero"

Rei gasped in shock, "How…"

What am I doing? Why am I attacking her? Shinji couldn't help himself, he was angry, and the only one here to take it out on was Rei. "It doesn't matter how I know, but if you're going to accuse me of something you had better make sure you're not guilty of the same thing. Yes I kissed Asuka, but that doesn't mean I stopped caring for you! We aren't even dating yet Rei" Shinji walked slowly toward Rei and gently put his hands on her shoulders. "Rei, I'm sorry"

Rei's head dropped and small tears began to form in her eyes. Why, why does it have to be like this? "No" She whispered as she quickly removed his hands from her and thrust her open palms into his chest forcing him backward. "You're trying to win this based on a technicality! Why Shinji? You knew exactly what that promise meant to me!" Rei wrapped her arms around herself as she sunk to the floor.

He had failed again. Shinji had come here to apologize and had succeeded only in hurting her even more. Why, why can't I just accept it, why can't I just tell her how I feel? Shinji thought to himself as he rubbed his chest. He watched as she slowly rocked herself back and forth, her shoulders heaved as she sobbed silently. "I…I came here to tell you that I was sorry, and that I wanted you to be happy even if you didn't forgive me. But…I'd be lying if I said that, Rei I want you to be happy, but I want you to be happy with me. You have to forgive me, because…because I love you" Shinji said wiping at the tears that were streaming down his face. "I'll do whatever it takes, say anything you want me to say, but I can't, I won't lose you. I know it's selfish and I know I don't deserve you but I don't care Rei, I love you!"

After a short pause she stopped shaking and whispered, "Say it again"

"What?" Shinji asked, straining to hear her muffled words. He took a step back and braced himself as she got to her feet and looked directly into his eyes.

"Say it again" Rei said as she squinted. It seemed to Shinji that she was staring through him, searching in his eyes for some bit of information, some signal that he meant what he was saying.

"I…love you" Shinji said and breathed a sigh of relief as she looked away from him. He hated it when she looked at him like that. It was like she was reading his mind. Before she looked away though Shinji thought he saw her gaze change, if only slightly. For a moment the analytical stare was gone from her eyes, replaced with something else, something warm.

"I…I'll get some ice for your ear" Rei said as she turned around and walked to her kitchen.

End Chapter 11

A/N, Thanks to unknown user for the coding at the top of the page.Also, thanks to Norsehound for the phrase "brittle as glass", I hope you don't mind that I used it in the fic. I also took Bebop Samurai's idea and had Rei "kick Shiniji's ass around the block". Lol, thanks for that review it cracked me up. Thanks for reading everyone, I'll have the next chapter up soon.