A/N: I know that I'm updating quickly with this, but that's because it just won't stop flowing right now, and I figured it's better to get it done while the muse is playing ball. I listened to a song called Pieces by Red while writing this, if you want to listen to it while reading I can't be held responsible for the feels you may or may not get. Hope you're all enjoying reading it, because I'm loving writing it. Read, review and enjoy.
Chapter Fourteen
Instead of leaving the camp and never looking back, which she was very tempted to do, Clarke instead walked to the centre of the camp and sat down on one of the empty logs that had been placed around the fire. Watching the flames as she drifted upwards before vanishing into the cold night air, Clarke was taking slow deep breaths.
"She has a plan…" Kassius said quietly as he sat down next to Clarke.
"I don't want to talk to you right now." Clarke said, her eyes locked on the flames.
"Clarke, you obviously saw something in her when you first met her that let you know that you can trust her," he said, "Trust that she can do this."
"You're making it sound like something a little more complicated than the simple s…" she started to say.
"Not here…" he said standing up.
Clarke sighed as she looked back at the fire before she stood up and followed him towards an empty tent.
"Start talking," Clarke said, walking into the tent, "I don't have the energy for more games."
"From what she has said to me, the plan involves people already in the Ice Nation camp," Kassius said, standing by the door as he was talking to Clarke, making sure no one was overhearing what they were talking about, "a few years ago, after the Ice Nation took Costia, Anya suggested to Lexa that it may be a good idea to place people within the camp, Anya knew this war was coming. With the people in the camp, Lexa will be able to create some kind of disturbance, giving us the element of surprise."
"That is putting a lot of trust in those people still being loyal to Lexa." Clarke said, "It's a big risk, Kassius…"
"A risk that Heda is willing to take," Kassius replied, "if it will save her people."
Clarke nodded a little.
"If her plan succeeds the Ice Nation will no longer pose a threat to either of our people," he continued, "and if her plan fails…"
"She already has the guarantees for the safety of her people…" Clarke said, finishing his sentence.
"And yours." He added.
"I don't want that," Clarke said, turning her back to him as her eyes started to betray her emotions again, "I don't like those options. I… don't want to live in a world which is at peace if she's not here to see it, Kassius, she needs to see it, because she is the only person who can achieve it."
"It's not exactly my favourite of Heda's plans either," Kassius said, "even if we do get peace if she fails, it will never hold. The coalition will collapse without her. No matter what we do her death will never be a price we could ever repay. We would fail without her Clarke. My people would all splinter off again, families would be separated, bonds shattered forever. She is what holds us all together. This planet would descend into chaos for my people without her."
"What if I went instead…?" Clarke said, turning to look at him, "if I took her place. That way if the disturbance fails…"
"It would fail," Lexa said, walking into the tent behind Kassius, "you wouldn't have the trust of my people within the camp. It would be like allowing a child to play with a gun."
"What about if their loyalties no longer lie with you, Lexa," Clarke said, "then what?"
"A Grounder's loyalty to the commander is not something easily broken." Kassius said.
"You said it yourself Kassius," Clarke said, "if the disturbance failed, the guarantees are already in place, and if that plan fails with me inside the camp, nothing else will fall apart. There is too much at risk with Lexa doing this."
"There is too much at risk every time I leave my tent, Clarke," Lexa said with a soft smile, "every single day I live with the knowledge that my life might be in danger, it comes with being leader. Even amongst my own people, my safety is never 100% guaranteed. If someone, anyone, feels that I am risking my people unnecessarily. If for some reason they believe that I am showing weakness or indecision… If they believe that my loyalties are being split…"
Kassius quietly excused himself from the tent, this wasn't meant for his ears. So he waited patiently outside the tent making sure that nobody else heard it either.
"One… moment of weakness…" Lexa said, a shaky breath exiting her throat, "just one, that is all it could take."
"What would happen if one of your own people tried to kill you?" Clarke asked.
"Indra would probably kill them before I got the chance." Lexa replied with another smile.
Clarke couldn't stop the laugh as she thought about what Lexa had just said, Indra was ready to kill her before she was even 20 feet away from Lexa, so anyone who actually posed a threat to Lexa probably didn't stand a chance.
"The Grounder rules state that whoever poses a serious challenge to the commander, must have his or her challenge accepted." Lexa said.
"Then what?" Clarke asked quietly.
"If the challenge is lost, the challenge being the sword fight, and losing meaning…" Lexa said, shifting her gaze uncomfortably.
"Well I didn't expect it to be a hair braiding challenge there commander…" Clarke said, getting a mental image in her head of Lexa concentrating so hard on hair braiding that her tongue poked out of her mouth, she couldn't contain the laugh.
"What?" Lexa asked, curious at Clarke's reaction.
"I'm sorry," Clarke said, shaking her head as she forced herself to stop laughing, "I just… got a visual image in my head of you being challenged to a hair braiding contest for leadership… I'm sorry."
Lexa found herself laughing.
"If only life were that simple." She said, as she found herself directly in front of Clarke.
She looked down at Clarke's hands, slowly taking hold of one, and then the other. Getting no resistance from Clarke she completely closed the gap between them, resting her forehead on Clarke's as the blonde looked down at their hands.
"You're my one weakness, Clarke…" she said quietly.
"And you give me the strength I didn't know I needed," Clarke replied, just as quietly, "you're my safety net, Lexa…"
Lexa put her arms around Clarke as a sob broke from the blonde girl's throat. At that moment Lexa felt a weight being lifted from her, one regret that she wouldn't have if her plan didn't succeed. She had been as honest as she could be with Clarke, putting her feelings out there, with no question of Clarke not understanding them. She figured after everything that they had been through, everything that Lexa herself had put Clarke through, the girl currently in her arms at least deserved the truth.
"When did you last sleep?" Lexa asked her quietly.
"The night before the queen took me…" Clarke replied.
Lexa moved them over to the bed that was in the tent, she sat at the top end, her back resting against one of the wooden beams in the tent, her feet just dangling over the other side.
"Lay down…" Lexa said to the blonde as she motioned to the bed.
Clarke was about to argue when she realised just how tired she was, it hit her like a slap to the face. Lexa couldn't hide the small smile as Clarke lay down with her head on her legs, and as soon as she did she pulled her legs up to her stomach and closed her eyes.
"Stop smiling…" Clarke said, eyes still closed, "this doesn't mean you've won, I'm not done arguing with you yet."
"Get some rest Clarke," Lexa replied, laughing a little, "I'll be here for you to argue with in the morning."
"Promise?" Clarke asked.
Lexa started softly running her fingers through Clarke's hair.
"I promise…" she replied.
x-x-x
As soon as she was sure that Clarke was asleep, Lexa moved, as slowly and gently as she was able, laying Clarkes head softly on the bed where she had been sitting. She stood there watching her sleep for a few moments, taking in how relaxed Clarke looked while she was sleeping. It was a far cry from the first night that Clarke had spent in Polis. Lexa turned and left the tent. Just as she had hoped Kassius was still standing outside.
"Can you carry her to my tent please?" she asked him, "I don't want to wake her."
"Of course." Kassius said, unquestioningly as he walked back into the tent, walking out carrying Clarke's sleeping form.
He followed Lexa through the camp, daring anyone who saw them to say something with his eyes, they soon looked away as if there was nothing to see. In the time that Clarke had spent talking to Kassius, Lexa had organised sleeping space for the Sky people, as she passed one tent towards the top of the hill, she noticed Octavia sharpening her sword outside. She also noticed the smile when she saw them. When Octavia's eyes reached Lexa the smile dropped as she cleared her throat.
"Er, Commander…" she said, nodding her head slightly.
"Octavia." Lexa replied, a smile ghosting her lips at Octavia's reaction, she turned slightly as she walked across the top of the hill towards her tent, then she stopped and looked back, "Don't spend all night sharpening that, you're going to need rest if you plan on being any use to me in the battle."
"Yes Commander." Octavia said with a smile and a mini salute.
Octavia's actions caused Lexa to laugh.
"Goodnight Octavia." She said, just loud enough for the younger girl, who nodded slightly in reply.
x-x-x
When Clarke woke up she was alone, but she wasn't in the place where she had fallen asleep, looking around her she recognised where she was almost immediately. She was in Lexa's bed. As she sat up she realised that her boots, her jacket, her armour and her weapons had all be removed without her knowing.
"Yeah, cause I'd so survive a night time surprise attack," Clarke said to herself, "I could sleep through anything…"
She heard a laugh coming from beyond the partition in Lexa's tent. Rolling her eyes she groaned as she put her boots back on, as she knew the Grounder commander had heard her talking to herself. After she put her jacket back on she walked through the partition to see Lexa sitting at one of the tables working on something.
"Do you often talk to yourself when you think you're alone?" Lexa asked, not looking up, but Clarke didn't need to see her lips to know that the commander had a smirk on her face.
"All the time," Clarke replied with a nod, "usually about something way more embarrassing than that."
Lexa had to stop what she was doing as she laughed at Clarke's statement.
"What's that you're working on?" Clarke asked, walking up next to Lexa's chair, resting her arm on Lexa's shoulder as she took a look at the paper.
"It's er… a rough layout of the Ice Nation camp," Lexa said, "the scouts returned a matter of hours ago."
"That is a big camp…" Clarke said, her eyes widening a little at the drawing in Lexa's hand.
"Yes," Lexa replied with a sigh, "it is."
"And how many people did you and Anya manage to get in there?" Clarke asked, her mind already telling her that the answer Lexa gave her wouldn't be anywhere near the number she would be hoping for.
"Close to 100…" Lexa said, her eyes flicking around the tents on the map.
"100 against how many…?" Clarke asked, the impossible task finally becoming completely clear to her.
"Almost 4000…" Lexa said, realising that it was better that Clarke knew the truth now, rather than finding it out later.
Clarke let out a deep breath.
"Walk in the park…" she said, causing Lexa to laugh a little, Clarke looked at her, "tell me we can win this…"
Lexa looked back at the map in her hands, nodding her head a little she looked up at Clarke.
"We can win this." She said, sounding a lot more confident than she had the previous night.
"Right answer commander." Clarke said with a smile, leaning down and kissing Lexa on the head, before walking towards the door, "I need to go and have a chat with Indra."
"Clarke…" Lexa said, a slight warning tone to her voice.
"Only a little chat." Clarke replied, as she walked out of the tent.
"Clarke!" Lexa called after her.
The blonde stuck her head back in through the entrance.
"Yes." She said.
"Please don't go unarmed." Lexa said, before she looked back down at the map.
Clarke laughed as she walked out of the tent and towards the centre of the Grounder camp. Before she found Indra she saw Kassius making a quiet exit from the camp. She ran and caught up with him before he got on his horse.
"Where are you going?" Clarke asked, grabbing his arm.
"You know where I'm going Clarke." he replied, keeping his eyes away from her.
"Already?" Clarke asked, "I thought we'd at least get a few days…"
"You have a few days," he replied, finally looking back at her, "the Ice Nation camp is a day and a half's ride from here, so there and back, with an expected stop off… you have around 4 days, use it wisely."
With that Clarke let go of his arm and watched as he climbed up onto his horse, and quietly made his way into the forest.
"Where's he going?" Octavia asked, motioning in the direction Kassius had gone.
"Erm… Lexa needs him to do something…" Clarke replied.
"What's going on Clarke?" Octavia asked, her face suddenly turning very serious.
"What do you mean?" Clarke asked, feigning ignorance.
"It's written all over your face Princess," Octavia said, "you're terrified. What's going on?"
Clarke sighed and turned to walk away from Octavia, she knew what her opinion of Lexa's plan would be, the same as hers. She would also hate that Clarke was keeping something from her. After what happened in Tondc, with the missile and Clarke keeping that from her, Clarke was pretty sure that Octavia would never talk to her again if she did the same thing.
"Clarke," Octavia called after her, "you're keeping something from me, I know it. Just tell me what's going on."
Clarke stopped and lowered her head a little, after she took a deep breath to steady herself she turned back to Octavia.
"Okay…" Clarke said, "but not here…"
They walked to a quiet spot in the camp, somewhere that Clarke could trust that no one else would hear what she was about to tell Octavia.
"This can go no further," Clarke said, "Lexa will… she'll let others know when she's ready… I…"
"You can trust me Clarke," Octavia replied, "I would have thought you'd know that by now."
"Kassius has gone to the Ice Nation…" Clarke said, with an uncomfortable sigh.
"That's what you were fighting about last night," Octavia said, everything falling into place in her mind, "she's going to give herself up to save everyone? I'm right aren't I."
"We weren't fighting…" Clarke said, rolling her eyes a little.
"Yeah, and Indra and I are besties who are gonna sit around the camp fire eating marshmallows together…" Octavia said, "I know I'm just a stupid kid to you Clarke, but I'm not as stupid as you think I am, I see everything. I saw it in your eyes back in the Grounder camp that night, you're falling for her… everyone else wanted to ignore it, but it was there. Now you're going to let her throw her life away for something that isn't going to make the smallest amount of difference anyway."
"It's not like I can stop her," Clarke replied, frustrated at how right Octavia was, "she won't listen to me, last night proved that. There's nothing I can do."
"Be honest with her." Octavia said, shrugging her shoulders a little, "might be a pretty good place to start."
"Her people come first, Octavia, you of all people should know that," the blonde said, "it isn't going to matter how honest I am with her, it will always be an after-thought, behind what is right for them. She can't just sit down one day and think 'I'll take the day off today' it doesn't work like that…"
"What would she do with a day off anyway," Octavia said, deciding to lighten to mood with yet another joke, "it's not like that Disney Land place is still standing, wait, do you think…"
Clarke laughed a little, thankful at that moment that Octavia always hated tension and fell back on her smart mouth when she was uncomfortable.
"I doubt that the Princess Palace is still standing," Clarke replied, "sorry to break it to you kid…"
"Shame," Octavia said with a laugh, "it would give you and Lexa somewhere to run away to when all this is over… have you thought about maybe…"
"She'd never go for that," Clarke replied as she starting walking away, "a leader never leaves their people."
"You did…" Octavia replied quietly.
"I did what I thought was best…" Clarke replied just as quietly, keeping her back to Octavia.
"Best for who?" Octavia asked, realising she may as well finish now that she'd started, "who were you really thinking about when you walked away from us Clarke?"
Clarke knew that Octavia was angry, that much was plainly obvious as the younger girl vented. Clarke also knew that this was something that Octavia had built up for some time, and if she let it continue then the younger girl may lose it completely, and having seen her close to that once before, Clarke didn't want to have to deal with that shit storm. She didn't reply, she just kept her back to Octavia.
"Sure you did some fucked up shit," Octavia said, her voice getting slightly louder as she believed the blonde girl wasn't listening to her, "but we all did. This has changed us all Princess, what gives you the right to be the one who walks away from that?"
Octavia didn't notice that her ranting had caught the attention of someone whom she really didn't want to get on the wrong side of. Lexa stood looking at Clarke, noticing the tears building in her eyes. Clarke saw the Commander and didn't make a move. Lexa's jaw clenched and she went to take a step towards them, her hand on her sword. Clarke shook her head a little, and Lexa took a deep breath and kept her distance.
"We followed you Clarke," Octavia continued, the emotion clear in her voice as it cracked, "we would have followed you anywhere…"
"That's why I did it," Clarke replied, finally turning to face her, "part of the reason anyway. I couldn't have everyone looking to me to protect them anymore, every time that happens people die, and I can't stop it."
"Nobody asked you to stop it." Octavia said.
"Yes they did," Clarke sighed, "everyone did, every day. 'Clarke, where are we going to get food' 'Clarke where do we need to go', that's how it started…then the Grounders attacked, and suddenly I wasn't thinking about where to get fresh water, I was thinking about where to bury the next body…"
Octavia was slightly surprised by Clarke's honesty.
"It was like everyday someone was dying," the blonde girl continued, "then we were attacked again, but this time it wasn't Grounders, it was the Mountain Men. Again, everyone looked to me for what to do 'Clarke will know what to do, Clarke always knows what to do'. Well guess what, I did the best I could and it still wasn't enough to make the bodies stop. Some people who I've killed deserved it, what they had done to others couldn't go unpunished. Some people who I've killed left me no choice. Others… were children, Octavia, innocent children."
"That wasn't your fault, Clarke." Octavia replied.
"Yes, it was," Clarke said with a small, almost sad kind of smile, "the day I stepped up and tried to be the person everyone else needed me to be, it all became my fault. Which is why I left. I had done what I needed to, something that is going to be with me every single day of my life, you were all safe. My job was done, I didn't need the constant reminders of how I got that job finished…"
"Why didn't you tell anyone you felt like that?" the younger girl asked, "we could have helped you Clarke, that's what we do here, help each other when it gets too much."
"I tried," she replied, "I tried to walk away, leave it to someone else. Bellamy, Kane, my mother…but it never seemed to work out… the big decisions were always mine to make, no one else's, mine. From the day we landed here, I have been fighting for our survival. I needed time to process what had happened, what I'd done…"
"And what conclusion did you reach?" Octavia asked, crossing her arms across her chest as she looked at Clarke.
"I realised that…I can't change anything that I've done," Clarke said, "all the decisions that I made were the right ones at the time. The consequences are something I have to live with."