In the Mind of a Child Chapter 12

Thanatos

I would rather be mocked for doing good than respected, knowing I have done wrong.

-Ayanami, Rei

Asuka sat at the coffee shop staring blankly at the table she was crouched over. She crossed her vision in and out of focus as she played idly with her fingers. It's not true, Asuka mentally screamed as she closed her eyes and clenched her fists. She vaguely grinned as she dug her fingernails so deep into her palms that a small amount of blood oozed onto her hand. After staring, absentmindedly at the crimson liquid for only a moment Asuka gasped and began frantically searching for something to clot her wound with. What's happening to me? She had never hurt herself before. Asuka knew that something was wrong. She wasn't necessarily sad or angry, just off, or incorrect in a way. Like she had misplaced a valuable and couldn't search for it because she didn't know exactly what was missing. The reactions of people around her were also a good indication that she was behaving strangely. Since Ayanami had left, bystanders had approached her in what she guessed was an attempt at single-serving kindness. Now that she tried, she couldn't remember what she had said to them, if anything at all.

"Um, Miss?" The shop's manager hesitantly said.

As soon as Asuka heard the man's voice coming from so close to her she snapped back to reality and shirked away so violently she knocked over the bottled soda on her table. She brought blood stained palms to her mouth in an effort to muffle a scream. Her eyes went wide with fear as the man attempted to calm her by putting his hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry but we're going to have to ask you to leave. You're frightening the customers"

Keeping her eyes trained on the man Asuka slowly rose to her feet and walked backward out of the coffee shop, making sure she could react if he did anything suspicious. What am I doing? She thought as she neared the door. Without another word Asuka left and began running as fast as she could toward her home.

Something is happening to my mind, Asuka thought as she ran. She had just entered The Falls district when she was overcome with an intense wave of despair. So strong was this feeling that it brought her to her knees right there on the broken and litter covered sidewalk. The stench of rotten garbage and smoke hung heavy in the air, causing her to gag in disgust as she covered her nose and mouth. I can't stop here, Asuka thought as she wrapped her arms around her shaking body. This sudden bout of depression was so powerful that it was defeating Asuka's will to survive. She wanted to just lay there on the sidewalk and close her eyes, hoping that the intense pain would just fade away. She knew from past experiences however that she would be injured or worse if she didn't relocate. Doing the best she could, Asuka got to her feet and made her way to what she hoped was an abandoned building. The thought had crossed her mind to try and make it home, but she needed to run if she was going to make that trip. In her current condition Asuka could barely walk straight. She felt weak all over, her limbs weren't injured, she just didn't feel like moving them, each step was almost momentous in its difficulty.

Asuka's hopes of finding the building empty were destroyed as soon as she saw a body slumped over in a far corner of the room she had entered. She stood, frozen in fear as she stared at the immobile form. Dirty and tattered clothing drooped off the limp body; an overturned bottle of alcohol was spilling its contents onto the man's pants. "He…he's dead" Asuka whispered to herself. She breathed a sigh of relief as the man grumbled and wiped at his bearded face. After she left the main entryway Asuka made her way to the same room she had stayed in the night she ran away from home.

Almost two years ago Asuka's mother had met a man at one of her jobs. At first Asuka didn't mind as he seemed to make her mother happy. He was also very kind to her, offering to drive her to and from school whenever he had the chance. For her birthday he had taken her to the local department store and bought her one of the most expensive backpacks available. It was for this reason that she had originally met Kaname and her group of friends. They had approached her and asked about how she could afford such a costly item. Her modesty in replying that it was a gift seemed to intrigue the girls even more. Noticing that the group responded to materialistic possessions, Asuka decided to wear her mother's favorite pair of earrings the next day. Her plan worked and the gang invited her to sit with them at lunch. Until then Asuka had always sat by herself, she never had the courage to try and make friends. She simply sat alone and wrote her poems or drew in her sketch book at lunch. After that day though Asuka and her new friends were inseparable, she eventually grew to trust them enough that she asked for their help when she became jealous of her mother's boyfriend. It was Lavi that recommended running away from home as a sure fire way to get a message across to Asuka's mother. So she did as she was advised and packed her book bag with snacks and a change of clothing and made her way to The Falls to spend the night. As she was setting up her sleeping bag she was approached by a small group of older homeless children. Asuka understood that they weren't there to make friends as soon as they started ruffling though her things. When she protested, they beat her up, took her backpack, sleeping bag and shoes then left her there. Asuka returned home immediately fearing for her life. When asked by her mother why she had run away Asuka responded, looking utterly pitiful that she thought her mama didn't need her anymore because she had that man now. Needless to say her mother quickly broke relations with her boyfriend.

"I am a bitch" Asuka said aloud as she propped her body up against a dirty wall facing the entrance to the room. Her thoughts began to shift from Shinji to how she had mistreated her mother. Strangely her depression subsided slightly, replaced by a cold self-punishing anger. Asuka had always appreciated all that her mother had given her but she never realized just how much she sacrificed to make her happy. Beyond giving up her time and money, she had thrown away her chance at possible happiness with a man that might actually have been good to her. "I wasn't worth it momma" Asuka whispered to herself as she glanced at the open wounds on her hands. It was almost sickening how little she had accomplished compared to how much effort went into making her happy. Asuka had always been told she had a lot of potential, but she had given up that path in order to keep her friends. Her friends were what made her happy, what gave her a reason to get up in the morning, now however they were gone. The void filled with a different type of affection. The feelings she had for Shinji replaced what she had felt for her gang. It filled her up, illuminated her, to have someone to care for and to him care for her in return, it's all that she ever wanted. "Shinji" Asuka whimpered. According to Ayanami she had lost him to. What would she do then, who would she return to? There was no point in living a life without purpose. Being with Shinji was now Asuka's purpose, without him, she was nothing.

Rei returned from the kitchen to find Shinji seated on the floor looking as if he were an injured puppy. He cradled his ear and looked up at her with eyes that seemed to beg for forgiveness.

"Thank you" Shinji said as he accepted the plastic bag of ice from Rei. He winced in pain as he placed the compress on his reddened appendage.

"You look as if you're waiting for me to say something" Rei said as she stared at him blankly.

Surprised at the callousness of Rei's response Shinji hesitated before speaking, "Well I…"He looked away apparently uncomfortable with the way she was looking at him.

Good, she thought inwardly. She thought it might be somewhat childish, the mind games she was playing with him, but she couldn't stop herself. She was still angry and craved some kind of vengeance, now that Shinji was safely hers again.

"I…I just told you I loved you" Shinji explained, still keeping his head lowered.

"I heard you perfectly well" Rei said as she glanced away, providing Shinji a moment of comfort from her ever constant gaze.

"You…you don't believe me" Shinji said as he dropped the bag to the ground and covered his face with his hands.

She sat down next to him and placed the dropped bag gently on his ear. She waited for him to look in her eyes before speaking. "Of course I believe you. I can tell if you're lying, remember?" Rei said. This brought a slight smile from Shinji as he reached up to touch her hand. "I also realize now that you're a fickle teenage boy who's interest in girls fluctuates. You have a difficult time accepting responsibility for your actions and your loyalty is less than admirable"

Shinji's hand quickly dropped back to the floor. "So I have lost you"

"Shinji as I hope you've come to understand, I believe myself different from most girls my age. Saying that you love me won't magically make things normal between us" Rei said even as she hoped to hear him say those words again. She wanted to assert herself and show him that she wouldn't be toyed with. She wanted to make it clear that she was smarter than that. It was necessary to punish him for what he had done to her, and the only way she could think to do that was to shut herself off, even though all she really wanted was for him to hold her.

"I…I didn't say that because I wanted you to forgive me, I said it because I meant it.

Rei figured she should consider herself lucky that Shinji even chose her above Asuka. What right did she have to be angry anyway? But there was still a part of her that couldn't let it go. "Shinji…I can forgive, but I cannot forget. We will get past this, but you must know that I do not trust you right now" Her anger began to fade slightly as she saw the pain on Shinji's face. She closed her eyes and said, "I'll be honest with you, I desperately want to forgive you, I want to forget that this ever happened, but for some reason I can't let it go right now. You hurt me Shinji, I don't know how I should handle this but I'm doing the best that I can" A warm feeling ran through her body as Shinji gently took hold of her hand. The look on his face showed that he was unsure of what her reaction would be. His uneasiness lessened as she placed her other hand on top of his.

"Rei, you've always seemed like you're a really open-minded person, always trying to view things from other people's eyes. Have you tried to do that for me? Have you tried to imagine what I've gone through? I know this sounds like an excuse, and maybe it is, but please try and understand"

He was right. Rei had an inability to use her logical side whenever it came to Shinji. Her emotions almost totally took over. She had never really considered Shinji's position in all this, never imagined how hard it must have been for him to try and be kind to both girls. Perhaps Asuka was a completely different person around him. Rei knew that for each person you interact with your personality changes, essentially making a unique character for everyone you know. Was it impossible to believe that Asuka could drastically change when she was alone with Shinji, making her someone worthy of his kindness and affection. "Shinji…I…"

"Rei regardless of how I felt, I still failed you. Now I that think about it, I probably could have saved Asuka a lot of pain if I would have just told her that I liked you. But I just couldn't say it. She's so fragile Rei, I know you think she acts tough, but when she's around me she's a different person"

Her heart fluttered as he put her hand up to his cheek and closed his eyes. "Shinji…" Rei whispered as she ran her free hand through his hair. His kindness cut like a knife through what was left of her anger. Rei couldn't decided whether or not it was a good thing that he had this much control of her emotions.

"Even though I know it's going to hurt her, I'll tell her how I feel the next time we meet. Then it'll be over" Shinji said as he looked into her eyes.

You have no idea, Rei thought. "Shinji if you tell her that you don't want to be with her, she will…have a mental breakdown, to put it lightly. I tell you with no exaggeration that her affection for you is the only thing keeping her alive right now"

Shinji paused for a moment, apparently unable to comprehend what she had just said. "What!" Shinji exclaimed. "There's no way she would do that!"

"On her own, probably not. But I've pushed her to the edge, changed her psyche so that she has nothing else to hold on to" Rei explained.

Shinji reacted with mixture of fear and anger, "Wha…why, why would you do something like that!"

"I wish I could say that it was an accident. But I will accept responsibility for what I've done. She was attacking me as usual, but she went too far and I…pushed back" Rei explained as she folded her hands into her lap.

"You pushed back? You said she might die! How could you do something like that to her?"

"Shinji, you never trade blows with the enemy. You try never to strike anyone, but when you must, you strike one blow, but such a harsh one that your enemy can never, never strike back. That is the idea behind the technique I used"

"Enemy? Asuka isn't the enemy! What do you mean technique? What are talking about? How could you do something like that Rei? I thought you were better than that!" Shinji exclaimed, his face red with anger.

"Careful" Rei said, her voice and expression turning cold. "You're the last person I will be lectured by. I have accepted what I have done. But you're trying to turn the anger you feel at your own inadequacy on me" Rei knew, as soon as she spoke, that she was being hypocritical, for her crime was fare more despicable than Shinji's. He had every right to be angry at her. "Shinji, believe me, I know what I've done is wrong. I'm positive I'll pay for it sooner or later" Rei said as she looked away from his eyes.

She watched as the anger disappeared from his face, "Why does it have to be like this? Is it impossible for everyone to be happy? Rei…I don't know how, but I will make this right" Shinji said.

"Shinji this is my fault, you…"

"Stop" Shinji said as he shook his head slowly. "I hurt both of you. In reality you two would probably have been better off if you would have never met me. I have a lot to atone for, I will make things right"

She had never seen him like this before. He had a determination in his eyes that was inspiring. Rei actually believed in him, not just that he meant what he had said but that he could really do it, that somehow he would make things better. She smiled to herself as she thought of how lucky she truly was to have him.

"I need to go, my parents are probably going to yell at me for skipping work today" Shinji said as he got up and began to head for the door.

Rei found that she was suddenly saddened at the thought of him leaving her without any type of affectionate good bye. She really couldn't blame him however, it was her own doing. She had rejected him almost every time he tried to touch her. "Shinji…"

Without turning around he answered, "I'll see you tomorrow"

Before Shinji could reach for the doorknob Rei came from behind and wrapped her arms around him in tight embrace. She closed her eyes and placed her head on his shoulder, doing her best to enjoy every second of this feeling that had been so suppressed under layers of pain and anger. She placed a single kiss on the back of his neck and said, "I…I'll miss you" She knew it wasn't what he wanted to hear but she hoped it would suffice.

Shinji turned around and smiled at her. He lightly caressed her face as he said, "Rei, I love you, we'll be alright"

Rei blushed brightly as Shinji walked out and closed the door behind him.

As usual, Rei woke an hour before her alarm sounded that it was time to get up. She wiped the sleep out of her eyes and lazily stretched her arms and legs. After kicking the covers off her body she laid there and thought about the events that were bound to unfold during the day. "Asuka" Rei said to herself. Eventually Rei would have to see first hand, the repercussions of what she had done. Rei thought about all the possible scenarios that could have happened after their fight, from the benign to the most violent.

When she had waited to the last possible minute she quickly got dressed and made her way down stairs. Small tears formed in her eyes as she stepped into the offensive sunlight. She was effectively immobilized as she stood there by the door with her hand shielding her face waiting for her pupils to adjust.

"What are you doing?"

Though she couldn't see him she could tell by the voice that it was Shinji. She smiled to herself at how glad she was to have him near her again. She really did miss him when he was away. "I can't see right now, give me a minute to adjust to the light"

"It's not even that bright out here" Shinji said as he looked up into the sky. "We're gonna be late if you don't hurry"

"So we'll be late" Rei said slightly annoyed at his impatience. This is what I get for dressing in the dark, Rei thought. "Okay, I think I can manage now" Rei said as she squinted to get a better view of what Shinji was holding in his hands.

"Here, my mom made these and wanted me to give you one" Shinji said handing her a small deformed pastry. "She rarely bakes, but occasionally she gets in these moods where she makes a gigantic batch of…well whatever these things are. She forces my dad and I to eat them out of pity and guilt, but I've never seen her eat anything she's personally made, always saying she's on a diet. She even bullies the neighbors into trying her experiments"

Rei examined the quasi-muffin, then said with slight exasperation, "Your mother can't cook?"

Shinji smiled in embarrassment, "No, not really"

"Neither can I"

End Chapter 12