Chapter one. Lily-sacrifices-life, Harry-arrives-at-Hogwarts equivalent. Enjoy.
"Not Neville, don't kill Neville, kill me instead . . ."
"I have no intention of killing you . . . yet. I'll save you for later." (NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, TWISTED SICK-MINDED PEOPLE READING THIS. DON'T BE GROSS, EVEN I'M NOT THAT BAD.) Voldemort shrieked with evil laughter. He didn't notice that Alice was taking carefull aim with her right foot untill it was too late.
"Ooh!" He collapsed clutching his privates while Alice escaped clutching her son. She stepped over her dead husband and fled for her life.
Ten years later . . .
"Cor, Neville Longbottom-Baker! The Boy Who Narrowly Escaped! Is it true your mum kicked You Know Who in the goolies?"
Neville was not enjoying this newfound fame. Untill now he'd led a pretty iscolated life with his mum and step-dad, Rick Baker (the initials people, it's all in the initials). He'd always known he was famous, but nothing had prepared him for the attention he was recieving on the train to Hogwarts. The boy pestering him now, Harry, was particullarly annoying. Neville shook him off and went to sit down. The sooner we get to Hogwarts, he thought, the better.
"Abbot, Hannah!"
The names were being called for the sorting. This was the thing about alphabetical order. It changed everything. If Voldemort had read the phonebook backwards it might have been . . . oh, I don't know . . . Harry Potter sitting here with a mushroom-shaped scar on his forehead. How silly.
"Longbottom-Baker, Neville!"
Neville stumbled up to the stool and plonked the hat on his head.
Hello, said a cheerfull sort of voice in his mind. I'm a Horckrux, you know. Sod the bloody author, I was Griffindorr's, you know.
This vaugly puzzled Neville, but living with someone like Rick you came to expect the unexpected which of course is a paradox and works best if you don't think about it.
Aren't you supposed to be sorting me? he thought.
Oh crap, so I am. Griffindorr then, we've only had one Griffindorr bloke this year. And a girl. Nice girl she was too, should have been Ravenclaw, but there were about four of them already and we were only seven letters in . . . (Go on, count the letters on your fingers. It's G.)
He took the hat off and the voice stopped. Thank god. I didn't know hats got brain rot. Must talk to the school about that, see if we can't get him replaced.
And so it was that Neville Longbottom-Baker, the Boy Who Narrowly Escaped, accidentaly destroyed one Horckrux within ten minuites of arriving at the school. It took Hary two years, and he almost got himself killed.
In case you're wondering, Neville got his mushroom shaped scar when his mum tripped over the mat on her way out. It seemed to twinge a bit when he went near pizzarias or rhodadendrons, but that could have been a coincidence.