The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Capital Wasteland
The Definitive Guide to Understanding, Evading and/or Annihilating any and all Dangers Hiding in the DC Hellhole
The following dedication appears in the book:
for Augustus and John
and all the Hellfire troopers
for every bullet you took to heart
Pre-Chapter Five
The following is meant as a preface to any and all information the Guide has on the Enclave and is the lead editor's approximation of the actions taken by and words spoken by members of the Enclave and the Lone Wanderer prior to the destruction of the Raven Rock complex in the northern Capital Wasteland. This approximation was written using a combination of a partial recording done on the PipBoy model 3000 owned by the Lone Wanderer at the time of the Enclave-Brotherhood war.
Running up toward the former United States military complex, the Lone Wanderer had little more patience for the remnants of the pre-War political offices of America. He'd been pushed around, his family killed and his – his! – purifier defiled and turned into a shadow of its past self.
"You barbarians! I'll burn your forces to every man if I have to! I'll have you hung and spiked and filled with holes! And beaten! And chewed by my dog… until… until… until you've had enough!"
His traveling companion finally caught up with him. He was a hulking man, one of the first victims of the Super Mutant FEV experiments in Vault 87. Fawkes put his hand on the Wanderer's shoulder.
"My friend," was all he got out before the tirade went on.
"And I'll lock you all in Braun's Vault and let him kill you. Again! And again! And when I'm old and grey and Braun's had his way with you, I will take what's left of you out of Vault 112 and saw you into bits! And give the bits to Dogmeat's grandkids! And watch!"
The Wanderer didn't notice the Vertibirds taking off from the massive, mountainous base. He didn't notice the Enclave personnel running from the base in their bulky power armor or the explosion he'd caused only moments before.
"And I will keep on sawing until all the fuel runs out and I switch to lasers and until I think of other unpleasant things to do and then…"
Fawkes physically pushed the Wanderer's face skyward where several of the vertical takeoff aircraft were fleeing the growing chaos.
"What the hell's happening to them?"
What, indeed, was happening? No visuals remain, but reports from witnesses say that the night sky in the northern Wastes was suddenly bright as the day and was as suddenly as dark. On the recording, a mind-numbing blow sounds – one that likely drew out the air itself from the atmosphere.
This sound followed with another one, but this time was even louder than before.
"I believe," Fawkes said, "you must have done something."
"Who bloody knows?"
It is difficult to know exactly what the member of the Enclave military were doing at this moment. Some were fleeing like radroaches exposed to sunlight for the first time. Some were, perhaps, dying terrible deaths at the hands of a security system that the Wanderer later informed us he reprogrammed. Most were already howling noiselessly at the noise and otherwise indisposed to escape with the rest of their people.
One man sat motionless, knowing the end had come. John Henry Eden, President of the United States of America and leader of the Enclave, sat quietly at his desk while bank on bank of associated memories sputtered and burned, erasing the small, simple illusion he'd taken so much time in building.
Of all the people who the rightful government and army of the United States could have pissed off, it had to be the one that the local population called its Messiah.
Still, President Eden knew what he had to do. As the human forces of Raven Rock tried in vain to save themselves, he opened his command structure. He threw out the files that told the quadruped sentry bots who was friend and who was foe. He threw away the copies of all research files, gleefully throwing them up into the simulated air, as he knew they were no longer of any use to any one. He would not need them where he was going.
Everything was ready, everything was ruined.
President Eden turned his attention to the radio transmission program.
"And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor. True to you, faithful America. I resign my spirit to God, and my children to my nation."
A silence fell over Raven Rock. The noise fell into nothing and, for just a while, nothing happened. In the bowels of the facility, a small, unremarkable closet glowed with the mighty Glow of Atom. There was a whisper: an officer faltering under intense radiation exposure, dying before she even knew the hint of pain.
The silence was broken.
The mountain opened its maw.
The silence returned.
The Lone Wanderer and his Super Mutant companion were gone, off into the Wastes once more.
Chapter Five
But the story was far from over – or rather, storytelling convention precludes us from going any farther without at least explaining how the Lone Wanderer first came to hold such hatred for the American government. For that, we have to go back. Way back.
Unfortunately for readers of the Guide, we are not in possession of a classical American sports car, alien eye-shaped power sources or an International Business Machines Corporation model 5100 personal computer, so we can't actually go anywhere along any hypothetical temporal stream. You'll just have to settle for a good, old-fashioned story.
Following the theft of the Jefferson Memorial and, by logical extension, the much more modern addition that is Project Purity, the son of the lead scientist of the Purity project obtained a personal and total hatred of all things Enclave – and a nasty drinking problem that was exacerbated by his temporary alliance with the Talon Company and wouldn't go anywhere for quite a while. This is due to the fact that the Enclave was at least partially responsible for the Kid's father's death.
Sad all around – and we haven't gotten to the short-lived genocidal rampage the Kid went on thereafter on the National Mall.
It wasn't long after the Waters of Life's theft that the Kid from Vault 101 cut off all communication with the Brotherhood of Steel, having helped and been helped in return by the Brotherhood and their Wasteland allies over his search for his father and subsequent escape from Purity.
He left Megaton on assignment, didn't speak with the Brotherhood and barely kept in touch with his personal allies; all the while, Three-Dog made him the savior of humanity with little more than his hypnotic voice. So where did this leave the Enclave?
In a bad PR position. Not that they cared, as their mandate was to save pureblooded Americans at the expense of everyone else. To this, the Kid from Vault 101 said, "No more."
"No more."
"No more."
"Stop that."
The Kid's allied commander danced around him a little almost singing, "No more."
"Really."
"No more," the commander finished.
"Having fun," the Kid asked.
"When you get to be my age, you see how much fun you get outside fuckin' with people."
"I didn't think you Talon mercs had a funny bone between the lot of you."
"And I didn't think some Vault asshole could drink more than old Jabsco. That fuck died of alcohol poisoning last night."
The Kid considered this. "That leaves you in charge, doesn't it? Bet that earns me a favor."
"'Course. You want Talon for a job?"
"I'm looking for someone; an old Enclave officer, retired. Last known home some old tin shack out near Fort Constantine. Think you can find him and bring him here?"
"Kid, Talon ain't a scavenger hunt, but if you got the Caps, we'll do anything."
"Anything," the Kid asked.
"Nearly. Some of us have something we use for morals. Just don't get to exercise 'em all that often. An Enclave officer, huh? Any other info?"
"Should be a man about your age and in possession of advanced weaponry and armor. I'd be careful."
"Got it. I'll send some men out and see what we come up with. No promises."
In 2283, the Guide partnered with the Brotherhood of Steel, the Canterbury Commons Trade Caravan Company and several private investors and travelers to send an expedition west across America. From what limited information each party could pool at the time, it was clear that there was at least one thriving nation on the Pacific coast and plenty of decade's out-of-date data that needed to change.
The Guide has this to say about the west coast Enclave.
"Here's what to do if you ever come across an Enclave patrol: run. I mean it. Run for your little life and tell your grandchildren you escaped alive – they won't believe you.
"They are one of the most brutal, callous, unpleasant groups alive in the Wasteland – any Wasteland – today and God, most wish they would just vanish already. They're not actually evil in the classical sense, but they are overworked, bureaucratic to a fault and think far too highly of their sense of patriotism to a nation that ceased to exist more than two centuries ago.
"They wouldn't even stop to assist a comrade if the orders weren't signed, copied three times, sent to high command, sent back, indexed and copied, lost, found once more, lost again following a general survey of their usefulness to the great nation of America, and finally buried in a Brahman pen and recycled as fertilizer.
"The best way to get any assistance from the Enclave is to shoot yourself several times in the foot until the power armor is long over the horizon.
"On no account should you allow a member of the Enclave to explain America."
On the expedition's return from the west, the entry on Enclave was updated to include something that, for some strange reason, the Brotherhood wasn't told when they first were sent to Washington.
"In 2241, the Enclave was delivered a killing blow in the form of nuclear fire by an angry tribal who was, amongst other things, angry about his village being kidnapped by the Enclave that year. Armed with little more than a dog, some human allies and – most apocryphal – a smart Deathclaw, this mysterious "Narg" managed to assassinate the last human President of America, kill hundreds of power armored soldiers personally and completely destroy the Enclave base far off the shore of California inside a month of knowing his mission.
"Much of this is based on eye-witness accounts of citizens of the New California Republic, the remainder of the California BoS and the articles and records of several major Wasteland Settlements in California and Nevada.
"When the search for this "Narg" turned up nothing, the expedition gave up for other avenues of exploration. The only mention of this man other than being, at times, called "the Chosen One," is an intelligent Super Mutant to the northwest of the Nevada desert who claims to have traveled with the man for some time earlier in the century. This cannot be corroborated as no other information mentions a Super Mutant, but neither are the editors of the Guide inclined to disbelieve this man.
"At this time, the Enclave is considered all but destroyed; their memory of terror fading into tradition and those left alive feeling lucky not to have been crucified by the Legion, executed by the NCR, captured by the BoS, or found by such men as the Lone Wanderer or the Chosen One on one of their bad days."