The Romancer Opalbane
Episode Thirty-Three: When crazy people fall in love, part II…
Finally, when crazy people fall in love they are faced with this painful reality: no matter how they get along, they most definitely cause everyone else around them to suffer.
Alessandre was about to have a crash course in loving a crazy woman.
Alessandre fell more slowly in his feral form, but greater heights could still kill him. Halfway down, he invoked a secret method he'd learned hundreds of years ago, with the Cenarion Enclave. While in cat form, he cast the spell. He wasn't sure how his fel mana worked so he hoped it would come out the way he intended. He watched his furry purple paws as glowing green energy consumed him. The rush was unbelievable and suddenly he found himself falling faster than before. He twisted and turned and sparked with the green energy and hurtled toward the earth so fast he couldn't breathe to cry out. Then, all of a sudden nothing but the earth was before him. The night sky had burned away in an instant at the periphery of his vision.
Alessandre exploded to the earth, and the impact of green light and the electric fire of a force like lightning burned him alive. When the alarming green departed from before his eyes, he lay flat on the earth at the base of the mountain. From where he was, he could see just how far he'd fallen. He'd leapt off the edge of the mountain itself in search of Opalbane.
"Well, I'm glad that worked." It wasn't every day that a druid turned himself into a bolt of nature energy to keep his flesh from being harmed. Being of the earth, the magic of nature could not be harmed by the ground, only return safely to its mother again.
Alessandre searched around for any sign of Opalbane. He panicked. There had been a good amount of blood at the drop off. The more he searched though, the more it became clear to him that she was alive… if her body wasn't lying on the ground where he'd landed then it meant she was walking around.
Naked.
Alessandre used his purple nightsaber form to track his wife again. He should not have been surprised to find her just outside of Astranaar. A nasty purple bruise consumed her calf muscle, but being a priest, Opalbane had healed it completely. Alessandre wished he'd considered that before he leapt off the mountain and nearly killed himself to help his wife.
"Moonlily! What are you doing?" he came and wrapped his arms around her, to hide her nakedness. Opalbane pushed out of his arms.
She was standing right on the road before the little bridge that surrounded the lake on which the small town sat.
"Oh, so you're nice to me now that I haven't got any clothes on? Did the 'call of the wild' get you to unslam your door and come looking for me at last?" she mocked him.
Alessandre frowned. "You didn't answer my question."
"You are about to see how I cheer up when I'm really sad, like I am now. You can either watch in the dark by yourself like a pervert or join me like a real man; it's your choice."
"Why are you insulting my manhood?"
Opalbane shrugged. "Sorry, I couldn't help it. It's something Wisthera told me to say in one of her letters if I ever wanted you to do something."
Alessandre smiled.
"You're not going to hurt anyone, are you?" he worried.
Opalbane turned on him. "Is that what you think of me? Oh, so you're addicted to ganking people, but because an Archdruid tortured you, you still get to be a good guy? She balled her hands into angry fists at her sides. "I watch my parents being brutally murdered by demons in Felwood as a girl, and suddenly it's all my fault if I want to become a shadowpriestess, or cultist, or alcoholic, or convict to allay that hurt?"
Alessandre didn't know what to say.
"A few months ago, I warned you not to worry whether or not you were good enough for me. I take that back."
Alessandre began to object, but Opalbane shook her head and went on. "After what you said to me a little while ago, you have to prove to me that you're good enough. I know that I am a good person. I was tempted in Stormwind, but I didn't kill anybody. And, in Silithus, when my brother came to get me, I had an opportunity to kill him and get away from my family forever, to indulge in my despicable lifestyle, but I didn't. I chose to love him. I chose to come back to the world I hated to live in. Finally, when I met you and saw so much of my terrible self in you, I could have shunned you, but instead, I showed you compassion. I can't force you to do the same for me, just like I couldn't force you to love me, or make love to me. But, I can hope that you will forgive me my faults in time. That is the best I can do."
Alessandre swayed on his feet. His wife had said so much, so fast. She was sounding like the old commanding priestess again. The woman he'd fallen in love with was still in there, somewhere.
"Well, are you just going to stand there?"
Alessandre came back to himself. "No… I mean… I want to trust you. I want to be a good husband to you. How do I do that?" he shrugged.
Opalbane smiled evilly. "Strip." She commanded him.
Alessandre hastily did as he was told.
"Gooood." Opalbane said, looking him over. "So you trust me? You're going to do whatever I say, to help me feel better? You don't think that I'm some kind of monster leading you to your doom?"
Alessandre softened. "I'm not sure why I thought that about you, Moonlily. In fact, I am having a hard time thinking about anything right now." He reached out and took her hand. "You know, we can just go back to my place and—"
"Silence!" Opalbane raised her hand. "I bubbled myself on the way down here, by the way, in case you were wondering. Going down a mountainside is much easier that way." She came out of her play-acting for a moment, then went right back. "Now that you have my hand, we need to get on the road…" they did. "Now, promise me that you're not going to abandon me? You have to promise that you're not going to just leave me by myself. You're not a chicken, are you?"
Alessandre laughed. "No. And Wisthera is right about the manhood thing, yet again."
Opalbane looked at her husband sideways. "On your mark, get ready, get set… GO!" Then, she pulled him into a frenzied run. They went like children screaming and laughing over the bridge into Astranaar. People gawked at the naked couple, and Alessandre began to understand what Opalbane wanted him to do. They were just going to…
Then, she let go of his hand. Opalbane used Alessandre's momentum to slip her hand free when she stopped running, then she brought it around and spanked him on the butt. He pitched forward unexpectedly. Alessandre tried to stop too, but couldn't slow fast enough. He half-turned, in time to see his wife raise her fingers to her temples, and cast a spell…
The psychic scream filled his mind, and before he understood what was going on, the gorgeous naked rogue was running all through Astranaar, in and out of buildings, up stairs, into the lake and back. Finally, he came to the treehouse inn and crashed head first through a purple paned glass window.
Opalbane laughed as she watched him go. "That will teach you to judge me," she laughed evilly.
"Excuse me, Miss, but that is blatant destruction of property." A sentinel came and tapped Opalbane on the shoulder. The shadowpriestess ignored her and walked over to the rest of the sentinels on patrol. Then, she lifted her fingers to her temples, stared dead at them, and focused…
Five stalwart sentinels were sent running in all directions, the psychic scream filled their minds and made them crash into frightened young soldiers in Astranaar, hop into the lake, or run into each other.
Opalbane fell to her knees, cackling like a madwoman, and then abruptly hopped back up again.
"What are you staring at?" She was deathly serious. A young male Night Elf, perhaps in his fifteenth season stared baldly at the beautiful naked priestess.
Opalbane set her shadowform ablaze and began to dance for him. A crowd began to gather. "Got a good look?" she teased the boy. He nodded eagerly. "Good, because it's going to be your last!" she snarled and sent every one running with another round of psychic screaming. Whenever a sentinel or some poor innocent person came across Opalbane and tried to stop her, she sent them running again. Some people Opalbane gave golden bubble shields to that protected them when they went crashing into trees, or Furblogs, or walls. Some she just let loose without shields. It was a cruel game that Opalbane enjoyed immensely.
Meanwhile, in the Astranaar inn…
Alessandre came to sitting in something that didn't feel too kosher. With a cringe, he pried his eye open and looked down. The gleeful face of Wisthera greeted him.
"Hello, there brother-in-law." She smiled devilishly.
Alessandre flushed all over. "Um… hi? Tell me, what am I sitting in?"
Wisthera smiled wider. "Cake." Alessandre took one look at the hungry woman and finally understood what all the fawning over him had been about, and why everyone, including Opalbane had been so tolerant. Wisthera's hormones were out of control. And right about now, her naked brother-in-law sitting in her favorite food was a dangerous mix. "Mmm… cake…" Wisthera said again.
Alessandre tried to get up from the table. "Where do you think you're going? I can just lick it off. And I'm pretty good at licking—"
"Alessandre!" Onyxbane marched up then. He looked hysterical. "I don't see you for two whole months and then the next time we meet, you are sitting naked in my wife's food? What the hell is your problem, buddy?"
"Onyx, this isn't what it looks like—"
"The hell it isn't!" he picked Alessandre up just under his arm, the way he did when Alessandre was kissing his sister audaciously at their wedding. "And you!" Onyxbane turned on Wisthera. "I go to pay the check, and you're all over him. How am I supposed to feel?"
Wisthera reached over to get a handful of cake and white vanilla icing off of Alessandre's perfect backside, and Onyxbane slapped her hand away. "Oh, we are arguing tonight!" he warned her. Wisthera licked the cake off her fingers. Both men paused as they watched her do it. Apparently, she really hadn't been joking about being good at licking people.
Onyxbane spied Alessandre gazing at his girlfriend. He pushed him hard, and Alessandre snapped out of it too late. "Alright, that's it. We need to settle this once and for all." He threatened.
"Hey, I don't want any trouble, Onyxbane. We're family now, remember? I'm just here with your sister—"
"What sister? I don't see any sister. I just see cake…and a nice ass." Wisthera gave Alessandre an eyeful. Onyxbane heated instantly and ushered Alessandre outside of the tavern.
"Duel me!" he demanded when they got outside.
"I don't really want to—"
"I'll even make it fair." Onyxbane ripped off his shirt then. Not too many men can rip off their shirts and make it look believable, but Onyxbane could. He tossed the ruined formal white shirt aside and flexed. He looked over his shoulder to make sure Wisthera was watching. She'd come outside the inn and was smiling.
"What are they doing? Eww, what is that on his backside?" a female Night Elf asked Wisthera.
"Mmm… it's cake. The big one is mine, and the other one is… well he was almost mine. They are going to duel."
"Who are you rooting for?" Another woman came around. A crowd started to gather around the two nearly naked men. Well, Alessandre was completely naked. Onyxbane had enough sense not to go too far.
Wisthera's brow knight together in frustration, then it eased. She giggled. "This is delightful! I don't know which one I want. Guess I'll have to ogle both of them." Then she purred.
Alessandre and Onyxbane squared off. Alessandre was complaining that he didn't have any weapons or armor, but Onyxbane assured the rogue he didn't have any either.
"Man to man, mano a mano… no weapons, no armor. And, I promise not to hit you in the jewels."
"No, your sister would kill you if you did." Alessandre frowned.
"I'm not afraid of my sister." Onyxbane squeaked at the end. "Hey, Alessandre, you ever seen one of these?" he brandished his fist in the air.
"By Elune! You can't keep making that joke. That's your damn hand you're showing me." Alessandre scowled.
Finally, the duel started. Alessandre was so distracted being naked in public that he forgot to stealth. Onyxbane got low and rushed him. The charge knocked Alessandre off his feet, knocked the wind right out of him. Onyxbane walked around, pumping his arms for the crowd. Wisthera blew him a kiss.
Onyxbane turned around to see Alessandre's foot flying into his face. It slammed into him, hard, but the warrior wouldn't go down. Alessandre righted himself quickly and began to land blow after blow. The rogue was limber and quick, but the bulky and shorter Onyxbane parried, dodged, or blocked most of his blows.
"How are you doing that?" Alessandre demanded. "You don't even have a shield."
"Me? Use a shield? I'm not specced that way, my friend. Evenso, I'm used to taking a beating, and I'm sure I'm more skilled with my bare hands than you are."
Alessandre kept pounding on Onyxbane, who stayed put and didn't even try to land a punch. Alessandre was so fast, Onyxbane figured that if he moved the wrong way at the wrong moment, the rogue would probably find that opening immediately and take full advantage of the weakness.
"You're not wearing plate! How can you be taking so much damage?" Alessandre became flustered.
Onyxbane chuckled heartily. "I'm strong. Plate is just a shell, I'm still a tank without it."
Alessandre panicked then. He was going to lose this fight. And his good lecherous name was going to go down with it. All around, ladies were cheering for Onyxbane and booing him the rogue.
He had to think fast…
Alessandre jumped back to vanish into stealth, but Onyxbane had been waiting for exactly that opening. He lunged forward, sure and fast, and punched Alessandre clear in the face.
Alessandre fell over on his back. He couldn't get up. The duel was over.
Wisthera came over screaming. "You won! Oh, I love you Onyx." She jumped up and kissed her boyfriend. Clearly, she had been pregnant enough to waddle around at Opalbane's wedding for Feathershine and Willypearl, but when she didn't need to show off, she could gallop around like the best of us. "He's mine!" Wisthera flared and instinctively whipped a hand round to catch a female Night Elf who wandered in too close.
Alessandre got up slowly. Now he wasn't just covered in cake, he was covered in dirt too.
"Oh, this is gross." He watched the women crowded around Onyxbane and Wisthera, and felt humbled for the first time in his life. Actually, it felt pretty good. He was even happy that Onyxbane was able to seize Wisthera's affection back. He hated being in the middle of… whatever it was that was making Onyxbane insecure. With a pang, Alessandre remembered the nasty trick he played on Wisthera and Onyxbane during Winter's Veil. Their relationship nearly fell apart because of what he did with that pair of Willy's Secret underwear.
Karma strikes again.
The gracious feeling wore off quickly, though. Somewhere in the back of his head, Alessandre's ego nagged that he should consider becoming an underwear model after this defeat. He wondered if he could convince Opalbane to let him talk to Willypearl about it…
"Alessandre!" Opalbane yelled. Alessandre turned to the voice.
His beautiful wife was running towards him, her black shadowform at full force. Alessandre was lost in the look of her sensual body bouncing and stretching with each stride before he noticed that about ten angry Sentinels and most of the townsfolk were chasing after her. Alessandre sprinted to meet her.
They found each other, laughing like crazy in the middle of Astranaar. "Come on, let's get out of here."
"No." Opalbane panted.
"No? We're going to get into big trouble, Opalbane!"
Opalbane buckled with laughter. Then she hugged her husband. Alessandre finally remembered why he'd come home. The body of his sweaty wife felt good against him… why had they ever quarreled when the two of them together was so simple, so easy?
"We're legitimate now, remember? We don't run from the law anymore. You and I are going to spend the night in jail and accept the slap on the wrist for the trouble we caused tonight."
Alessandre was alarmed at first, but then he calmed down. It was more than fair… and really funny when he thought about it.
"I love you," he leaned in to kiss his wife who was now making rude gestures at the approaching throng. It was hard to look at that stampede of angry people and not run, but Alessandre didn't.
"Eat cake!" he said and bent over to moon them all.
Later that night in the jail (yes there is a jail, how could there not be?) underneath the inn in Astranaar…
Of course, the Sentinels had given Opalbane and Alessandre water to bathe. And, they gave them some clothes from the donations box. Finally, the wise sentinels gave them separate cells to finish off the event. They told the 'brash young couple' to 'cool off' and then they would 'see them in the morning.'
Both Alessandre and Opalbane rolled their eyes then, and made out eagerly before the annoyed officers pulled them apart and forced them into their separate jail cells.
Opalbane immediately took her clothes back off when she was locked in her cell. She flirted with Alessandre the entire time, before the lone sentinel guarding them couldn't take it any more and left them alone—the only two people in the tiny jail—for the night. Opalbane helped by powerfully suggesting with her mind that they were already locked up and couldn't do anyone else any harm. Alessandre helped by looking pitiful and telling the Sentinel that he'd just come home from a long adventure and was dying for some alone time with his wife, which was partly true. Of course, he never explained that he was hoping to get some action from his wife. The Sentinel did not need to know that he could get through the bars in his catform.
When the heavy door to the outside closed on them. Opalbane stopped teasing her husband. She made a pillow of the novice's robe they gave her and relaxed. Fascinated, she watched Alessandre turn himself into a sleek purple nightsaber and then effortlessly squeeze his head and shoulders imbetween the bars of his cell. The rest of him came easily.
"Oh, how beautiful you are."
Alessandre shrugged. "You've seen druids before." He said in his catform. He came through the bars to her cell and rubbed himself up against her bare legs. Then he crawled into her lap, lay on his back and batted at her long white braid with his paw.
Opalbane smiled. She patted his head gently. "Perhaps, but you are the most beautiful one I've ever seen. And such a rich purple coat… I'm starting to get jealous."
Alessandre purred low and deep. "I needed to hear that. I lost a duel with your brother, you know." He said in his kitty voice that was mostly a growl.
Opalbane giggled. "So that is why you have a black eye. I didn't realize my brother was in town. You know, I do recall him saying that he was going to give you one. You don't look so bad with it in my opinion." Then, Opalbane slipped into Alessandre's mind and recalled the whole incident for herself. She couldn't stop laughing.
Alessandre crawled out of Opalbane's lap and changed back. He rubbed his Night Elf face against hers, and abruptly licked the entire right side of it with his tongue.
Opalbane calmed down at that. "Eww."
"I've been wanting to do that to you for a very long time." Alessandre smiled. Opalbane hugged him.
They made love. There was no romantic moonlight, or warm breeze. No magical confession that one person needed to make, no cultists waiting at their doorstep. Shadowstep did not need to be satisfied, nor Myrielle shown up at last. There was no point to prove to lovers long dead and gone, or wrongdoings to make up to people that they'd hurt in their long or tumultuous lives. Both of them had suffered enough, and were more than willing to make up for everything, with time. What Opalbane and Alessandre had was each other, and that was all they needed. The romance came from the fight they'd won to be together. The floor was gray and dull, but the compassion they had for each other's flaws cushioned them. It was cold, but the natural heat between them made up for that as well. In that way, that it needed to happen and so did—without any hesitation or stipulations—the love they made was perfect. When it was done, Opalbane rolled over on her side to face her lover and kissed him gently.
"So, I'm a romancer now. That's probably what Willypearl will start telling her customers." Opalbane observed. "Then she'll want to make some kind of night gown in my honor."
Alessandre stroked his hand down the length of Opalbane's leg. He used his fingertips to tickle her hips.
"Why? Because you lied and cheated and… what ever else to get your hands on me? Is that what that scribe meant when he titled your brother's journal The Romancer Onyxbane?"
Opalbane shrugged. "No, I think he just meant that Onyxbane was surprising lucky when it came to love. My brother certainly was not debonair or sly like you. You could have been a romancer too, you know."
Alessandre folded an arm under his head and rested. "Well what's stopping me from being one? I fell assed-backwards into your life. I can't believe that I'm actually married now, and it isn't some… scam of Wisthera's, or because Shadowstep made me. Oh, wait, it's both." He laughed.
Opalbane smiled. "The other part about being a romancer, I think, is taking control of the situation. This was my idea from the start. If I didn't work up the courage to go after you, none of this would have ever happened. It was my journey to make."
Alessandre was quiet for a while, then he drew Opalbane into a hug. "I swore that I'd never tell you this, but I think it was a bad promise to keep… I was fairly shallow at the time, and had no idea that I'd have these kinds of feelings for you."
"You? Shallow? Never." Opalbane managed with a straight face.
Alessandre licked the other side of his wife's face and watched her recoil before going on with his story.
"The first night we spent together, the night that you Mind Controlled me and made me take off my clothes and tell you things… I wasn't really asleep. I was there for all of it."
Opalbane raised her eyebrows.
"And… I liked it. At first, I was so confused because of the rum. I thought I was just dreaming, but later I realized that you really did make me say that I love you, and that I would always be there for you, and that you make me whole."
"Say it again," Opalbane prodded gently.
Alessandre looked at his wife. "I love you, Opalbane. I will always be there for you. You make me whole." Alessandre smiled. "On that night," he continued, "I remember feeling very happy, because I was glad to say that to another person. I was a little upset afterwards that we weren't really saying those things to each other, but that was when I understood that I longed to have something special with you. Back then, those feelings were frightening and I didn't dare give into them. I didn't even know how to start something like that between us. Opalbane, thank you so much for making that dream come true for me."
Opalbane nestled into Alessandre's dark shoulder. He smelled sweaty and it was wonderful.
"You are a blessing from the goddess." She said to her husband.
"So are you." Alessandre replied.
They lay in silence for a while, basking in all that they'd achieved together.
"Um… so what happens now?" Alessandre broke the silence. "I kind of have a criminal record and so do you. This isn't going to land us in another trial with Feathershine is it?"
"Pfft! Slap on the wrist, tops. I'll bet gold that Onyxbane caves in and bails us out tomorrow morning. I pretty much have my little brother trained to rescue me when I need it, since before Silithus even."
Alessandre was speculative. "Will he really? Even after how we fought?"
"He did the last couple times I painted the town red like this. He understands that sometimes I just fly off the handle. However, I think this is my last strike in Astranaar, so we'll have to pick a different town next time." Opalbane explained.
So, there was going to be a next time, and certainly more silly moments in the future. Alessandre was worried for a moment, but then smiled at the prospect. "I love being crazy with you, shadowpriestess."
"And I you, assassin." Opalbane paused, then said, "Al, is it alright if I find your being insane incredibly attractive? Every time I sneak into that tortured mind of yours, it makes me tingle all over… you're so many amazing men at the same time… it's very sexy. If you were a normal guy, I don't think I'd like you as much."
Alessandre yawned and kissed Opalbane's forehead. "You are perfect for me." Alessandre sounded relieved. He began to purr.
Then, they fell asleep.
-THE END-