The Start
I raced through OHSU, just before I rounded the corner of the post op recovery ward, I hear Taylor. Unfortunately, he's too far down the hall, but I can still make out bits of their conversation. Whoever the doctor is Taylor appears to know her. I hear words such NDA, and no choice, calling the police, abuse, injuries of this nature. They start to make their way towards me and I decide it's best to leave. I don't know how I made it back to Escala; I was in the daze the whole flight back.
When Taylor hadn't returned by six in the morning I knew there was something wrong and that was only compounded by the fact that he wasn't answering his phone. So I called Barney to track Taylor's phone and car. Knowing Taylor's' car was in the hospital's car park was a small relieve, which quickly vanished when I realized why he was there.
I call the hospital's finance department to settle Ana's bill, only to find Taylor had already settled it. I spent the rest of the day locked in my office, I was tempted to ask Barney to get me Ana's medical records, but I didn't as I couldn't find a good reason to justify such an action. I have never given a fuck about justification before, and if I was being honest with myself I still didn't give a fuck, I just couldn't read a file where I was the perpetrator of abuse. I'm a sadist, a mess of a human being, she wasn't the first brown haired, pale skinned girl I'd hurt, so my actions last night shouldn't have bothered me this much, but it did.
Two weeks went by before I summoned the courage to see Flynn, two weeks of Taylor not speaking to me just nodding; the most I got out of him was "yes sir". Two weeks of Gail looking at me with such disappointment, I know she has never approved of my lifestyle, but she never voiced her disapproval. I never realized, but I cared what they thought of me. Sleep has always been a problem, but at least I got a few hours sleep at night. Two weeks ago if someone told me I'd be praying for my old nightmares, I would have likely broken their nose but here I am praying for my old nightmares. When it comes to my nightmares it would appear I refer the role of the victim.
When it comes to Flynn there are two things we disagree on, my being a sadist and Elena Lincoln. After this incident with Ana, I truly believed my being a sadist would no longer be a disagreement and I was right just not in the way I thought, Elena was already a forgone conclusion, but Flynn didn't know that. He asked whether I took great satisfaction and joy in Ana's pain. God, I wanted to hit him, did I look like a man taking any form of joy or satisfaction in anything. Flynn being Flynn settled years of arguments in a simple sentence. 'A sadist would.' I needed to say something anything to counteract that fact except I couldn't think of any, surprisingly something about not been able to argue his point brought me a little hope. Maybe just maybe there a small chance I could make it up to Ana.
Then, of course, Flynn wanted to delve into what I believe had gone wrong. I lost control. Who would have thought those three words would add to the unraveling of my world. Flynn quietly sat there waiting for me to elaborate. What more did he want me to say, I lost control. God thinking about that conversation made my head spin.
"Christian you are always going on about excising control in all things. But in your case it not really true is it". I looked at him incredulously. But he doesn't pay any attention to my look and carries on. "Having control over someone who has already made the decision to cede control to you is not really having control. You have to exercise a certain amount of control over your employees, but that is just common sense if you didn't your employees will run riot and someone else will either be trying to acquire or merge with your business and your subs need I say more"
He waits for me to say something, and when I don't he carries on. "You keep your family at arms length. Why?" I avoided Elliot like the plaque just before he went on holiday with Miss Kavanagh. Simply because I didn't know what Ana had told him, I couldn't even have a conversation with my brother without knowing all the variables and without that I couldn't control the conversation so I avoided him. Fuck.
How can I say I exercised control in all things when in truth I only did in situations where my having control was a forgone conclusion. "I didn't just loose control when it came to Ana I didn't really have any to begin with. The moment BDSM was taken out the equation the control went with it"
Flynn nods. "You are not solely to blame for this. This is all you have known for half of your life, you been told this is the only form of companionship you can have. I have been trying to tell you for years, Elena Lincoln did not help you and I hope you can finally see that."
After leaving Flynn's office, I thought about how much of life I have missed out on, missing so many family occasions, never allowing them too close because of what they might learn about me. Flynn was surprised about my agreeing about Elena, but the fact was, I had already put plans in motion to dissolve our business partnership.