Chapter 11

"Quit it with the resting-bitch face." Clarissa said, taking a seat next to me for the annual holiday meeting. She handed me a coffee. "I mean, it's been weeks. If you keep frowning like that, you're gonna get wrinkles."

"Well, I'm gonna be a spinster anyway." I took a sip. Grimaced. "I hate egg-nog."

"And holiday joy apparently." Pauline said with a snicker. "Don't blame you though. It's two days before Christmas and we're still at work."

"I heard that," President Ferret said, before declining on his seat in the far end of the room. Behind him was a window that showed a winter wonderland a world below. With even happier people bustling through the streets. Ugh, why did everyone else have lives?

"Anyway, my apologies for running late," Ferret said, adjusting his collar. His orange eyes then fell to the projection screen before us. He started going on about the past year's successes and goals for the following months. The information was important, but it was hard to listen. Whatever funk I was in was as funky as they came. And not the good type of funky. I mean, I wasn't even dreaming about Shadow—Light—anymore. And although this was probably a good sign, I didn't feel any better. Or more sane. Then again, sane people didn't reject handsome doctors or dread meeting rock stars. Even if said rock star was with the man I loved.

My heart stopped. Love? How could I even associate that word with Shadow? Was that why this situation was unbearable? How could I decide this without realizing—

"Miss Rose?" Reality had a fun way of intervening on my unfortunate thoughts. I should have welcomed it, but I could quickly feel myself becoming a spectacle. My eyes feel to the projector, my brain processed the words of my employer.

"Um, I suggest we go forward with the plan to take on bigger clients." I was met with silence. "If that's what you were asking." I added. I rose my cup. "Sorry. Egg-nog." A few giggles filled the air. I pretended to breathe.

"Glad to have your insight," President Ferret was smiling, but I convinced myself it was out of contempt. When he winked, I knew it was with the intent to fire me. "Finally, I just wanted to say that on your break you should still tend to clients if the opportunity arises. However, there is no expectation to come into the office. When you come back, I plan for there to be a few promotions in the spring. Any questions?"

If we weren't trying to act professional, people would have already raced through the door. Ferret nodded. "Then meeting adjourned."

"Finally," Clarissa said with a sigh. "Time for momma to kick back and do nothing. What are your plans?"

"I still have to meet up with a few clients at the office at Merriment," I replied, looking at my watch. Two in the afternoon. "Then I can do nothing with you."

"Souns gwood." Clarissa said, mid bite of a gingerbread cookie. "I'll be cooking. So come with an appetite." She was already at the door. And then I realized I was the only one sitting. The only one actually in the room. A true testament to the fact I didn't have a life.

"What are we, an old married couple?" But she was already gone. Maybe to go shack up with our boss. He seemed pretty happy. Everyone did.

It was the holidays, and as usual I had nothing to celebrate. And no, I wasn't being morbid. It just so happened that the truth was morbid.

It was funny how life could just continue. As I drove the snowy streets back home, it seemed so strange that people like Shadow or even Scourge were living their own lives. Not caring about me. Probably not even thinking about me. We could have never crossed paths romantically—I could have lived my entire life never considering them as anymore than a familiar face, an indirect friend or foe.

Yet, for the past three-four years, I thought about them on a daily basis. I wanted a future with my past so bad that I lost track of the present. I lost track of myself.

"They don't care." Yes, that's what I had to tell myself. I had to move on—find someone new. And that person wasn't Parker; he made me think of them. Nope, I just needed a new guy. Just like I needed to move on.

"I'm moving on," I said in a whisper, as I started for my apartment. Darkness had already colored the winter sky, but I didn't mind it. The day was ending, just like my obsession. Maybe I was getting out of my funk—and I didn't even need Clarissa to lecture it out of me.

"I'm moving on." I was chanting it now. With a nod, I opened the door to my apartment. Christmas music hit me full blast; I was half-surprised I didn't hear it from outside. But I was baffled when my eyes examined the scene before me.

Friends. Food. Christmas decorations.

Happiness?

"The hell?" The words left my mouth before I realized I said them. Before more obscenities could escape, lips latched onto mine. I mistook them for Parker's, until I tasted mint lip-gloss. Clarissa departed with a loud smack. Cheering erupted. Mostly male.

"Hell-o to you too." Clarissa kissed me again. "You like?"

I felt dazed; I couldn't tell if she was talking about herself or the mistletoe or the Christmas party. You know, the one I wasn't invited to. At my apartment. "What's going on?"

"Cheer up, Ames," Sonic said with his million-dollar smile, patting my back. "The party's going great."

"But." Before I could make sense of this merriment and madness, I was dragged into the kitchen. "What the hell, Clarissa?"

"Broken record, much?" Clarissa said, before handing me a plate. "Here, eat something. Go mingle. Have fun, would ya?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" I said with a sigh. I peered into the living room. Saw Knuckles and Rouge yelling at something on the TV. Sonic and Sally were dancing like the perfect couple they were in the hallway. There were a few other faces I couldn't attach names to from work, of which Parker was conversing with. One of them was President Ferret. Yes, even our boss was here.

"How many people did you invite?" I asked, pinching the skin between my eyes.

"Just our closest friends." Clarissa replied, pouring some chips into a bowl. "Though I'm pretty sure Tails and Cream are doing it in your bathroom."

"Wonderful."

"Look, I wanted to tell you, but I knew you'd say no."

"You're damn right." I crossed my arms; I tried to suppress my anger, but it was consuming me by the second. I got it, I was the bitter bitch. But how could she not care to ask me? I gritted my teeth. "What, does everyone think they're doing me a favor by disregarding my feelings?"

Clarissa scoffed. "All I ever do is regard your feelings. Everything I do is to make you feel better about yourself. God, why do you keep fighting your friends?"

"Because they do STUPID things like this, then BLAME me for being upset." I clenched my fists. "You made me seek out Shadow when I didn't want to." My voice lowered into a harsh whisper. "Well, guess what? He's unavailable. And I was happier not knowing that he accepted Mina on the same grounds that he rejected me." I shook my head, rejected the positive holiday atmosphere or the idea of upsetting Clarissa. "And now you want me to ignore my feelings just to enjoy your damn party?"

Clarissa just blinked at me—I couldn't tell if it were because of her or me. My claims were as valid as they were pathetic. I could see it in her eyes; she thought I was pathetic. There was a toxic pause, then it broke just as quickly as it came, and she started for the living space. And I knew that I had fucked up.

"Clarissa." I stopped in my tracks when I noticed them. Silver. Blaze. They were already settled with Knuckles and Rouge. The hostess of the hour was offering them snacks. My snacks. It was funny how empty I could feel in a house full of friends. It wasn't them. It was me.

Something was always wrong with me.

I said something was wrong with me.

Because I was here. At Shadow's house. Waiting for something, I guess. For closed doors to finally open. The lights were on, however. And through one of the windows I could see him. I couldn't tell what he was doing, but his gaze was focused and harsh, like always. Then he stopped. He was looking at me. It felt like an eternity, but I couldn't find the will to blink. Just when I remembered to breathe, a silhouette blocked my view. Female. Graceful. Mina.

That's right.

I didn't belong here.

I stumbled upon Avalon's Tavern a minute before midnight.

I didn't want to talk to Phil. But then again, I had no friends. That's right, I was unworthy of being Phil's friend. When I sat down, he welcomed me with a reassuring smile. Which reassured me that I had made a mistake. I should have killed myself on the way here.

"Long time no see." Phil said, wiping a glass.

"Hi."

"Unfortunately most of the holiday-loners left. Gotta rest up for Santa, I guess."

"Good to know."

"Amy, I'm drowning here." He set the glass down next to the others on a tray. "What's wrong?"

"Just about everything." I exhaled. "I pissed off Clarissa. Who's only offense was throwing a tasteful Christmas party at our apartment. I'm surprised you weren't invited."

Phil shrugged. "I was. But unfortunately I can't ignore the business this time of year."

"Well, that makes one of us."

Phil sighed lightly. "Let me make you something. You must be hungry."

"No," I lied. "But thank you."

Phil didn't look convinced. "Is there something you're not telling me? Parker mentioned that the same friend was in the hospital. Is she okay now?"

"She's with the company of all my friends," I replied. "Parker's there too. So I think they're doing just fine without me."

"Come on, Amy." Phil shook his head. "You know that regardless of any spat you had that they want you there. So why don't you tell me what's actually bothering you?"

My gaze met Phil's. He was wiser than I could ever be. More empathetic than anyone I knew. For those reasons alone I should have opened up years ago. I blinked when he moved from the counter, took a seat on the adjacent stool. He brought out his hand.

"You can always tell me anything." He offered me a fatherly smile, and my heart swelled like my eyes with tears. I took his hand.

"Can I really?" When he nodded, I found myself spilling everything. My relationship with Scourge. The ups. The girl who got in the way. The months proceeding. The false pregnancy. The depression. Meeting Parker. Our date from hell. Wanting to get closure from Scourge. My short relationship with Shadow that resulted.

Returning here. Clarissa's mission to get him back. Her accident. Almost fucking Parker. Meeting Shadow's girlfriend. Discovering the grounds of our break-up was invalid. Everything.

When I looked up at Phil, I couldn't explain how I felt. I wanted to say I was relieved, but the confession wouldn't change anything. I was still pathetic. And now he knew the full extent of my pathetic-ness.

"I didn't know there was that much to the story." Phil replied. Surprisingly, he didn't look offended or anything, just contemplative. "I can see why you're so conflicted."

"Thank you."

"But in all honesty, it just seems like you are having an issue letting go of your past. There are so many things left uncertain, and it seems like the only one who can give you answers isn't worth pursuing."

My eyes widened. "Are you talking about—"

"Shadow." Phil shook his head. "He was in contact with Scourge, yet he didn't tell you why he left you. I mean, there is a strong possibility that he doesn't know either, but what he's doing now is no better."

I bit my lip. "What are you suggesting?"

"That you move on," he replied, rising to his feet. "Find another guy. Who could still be Parker from what you said." I wanted to rub the smug grin off his face.

I scoffed. "I thought fathers weren't supposed to encourage fornication."

"I only encourage love." He opened the fridge. Tossed me a wrapped sandwich before my stomach started grumbling. "Parker's been in a good mood since around that time. I don't think it's a coincidence."

"Good to know I'm not the only hard-headed one."

"I'm serious about moving on though," Phil said. "Life's a stage. Remember that there was a time when you were just as conflicted over Sonic."

"Don't remind me..." I said, putting my shamed head on the counter.

"You don't even have to pursue a relationship now. Just reconcile with some of your friends. Do something fun. Focus on you."

"But I'm unbearable."

Phil gave me one of those "Are you really going to shit on the progress we just made?" looks and I finally cracked a smile.

"Okay. Okay. Okay." I rose to my feet, straddled my purse over my shoulder. "I'll go find a life."

"Please."

I started for the door, but not without giving Phil a hug. "Thank you."

Hopefully my other relationships would mend as easily.