Acceptable Risks, chapter 4

Amanda had been somewhat relieved when Rose told her that she wouldn't be able to talk to Lee until after the doctor had examined him. She would have a few minutes to consider how she could get Lee to acknowledge the depth of his feelings for her without pushing him so hard that he would shut down on her emotionally. Amanda's initial relief turned to concern when twenty minutes had passed and the doctor was still in Lee's room so she decided to walk down to Lee's room and find out what was taking so long. The doctor exited Lee's room as Amanda was pressing herself against the wall outside the room in hopes of overhearing what was going on inside.

"Mrs. King, I'm very glad to see you", the doctor whispered as he gestured for Amanda to follow him several feet down the hall. "I've run into a complication with Mr. Stetson", he said with an anxious expression on his face.

"Oh my gosh", Amanda exclaimed, "Will he be okay?"

"That's entirely up to him and possibly you", the doctor said in a frustrated voice.

"I'm afraid I don't understand", Amanda said as her concern turned to confusion.

"Mr. Stetson is always a difficult patient but this time he is refusing to allow me to do a complete exam and he's refusing to answer my questions about how he's feeling. Mr. Stetson is refusing any medical care until he knows that you are safe and he can talk to you. Would you be willing to speak to him? Maybe you can reason with him?"

"Of course I'll speak to Lee and I will make sure that he cooperates with you and your staff. I'm sorry that you only see him when he's at his worst; Lee's not usually like this", Amanda replied.

"I'll take your word for that", the doctor responded doubtfully. "Will you speak to him now? I have to see other patients and then I'll come back to see Mr. Stetson in an hour or so."

"I'll talk to him right now and if it's alright with you I'll stay with him until you come back", Amanda said as they turned and walked back towards the door to Lee's room. The doctor kept walking and Amanda entered the room to find Lee lying in bed with his eyes shut but it was obvious to her that he wasn't asleep.

"I told you, no Amanda, no exam", Lee said sullenly while keeping his eyes tightly shut.

"Do you have any idea how childish that sounds", Amanda asked in her most motherly voice. Lee opened his eyes the moment he heard Amanda's voice.

"I'm really glad that you're back; are you okay", Lee asked solicitously.

"You're asking if I'm okay; you're the one with the gunshot wound. The doctor needs to examine you and you need to cooperate with the nurses. I'm going to stay here and make sure that you do. Any questions?"

"You can't stay here with me, it's after 3 AM, and you have a family at home. You belong with them; I can take care of myself", Lee replied with his Scarecrow expression firmly in place. I wish I could let her stay but I'd better get used to being without her. It's just a matter of time before she tells me that she's going back to HIM.

"I can see what a good job you did taking care of yourself this afternoon; pardon me if I'm not impressed", Amanda threw back at him. Lee started to open his mouth to respond but Amanda put up her hand to silence him. "Be quiet, I'm not finished by a long shot; if you'll excuse the expression. I know what time it is and I also know that my family is fast asleep at home. I'm here with you because I want to be; you're very important to me", Amanda concluded.

"Really", Lee asked with a shy smile.

"Yes, really, why does that surprise you? You know that you are a very important part of my life", Amanda said in an effort to draw Lee out.

"I hoped that I was but now everything has changed", Lee answered sadly.

"What's changed that I'm not aware of", Amanda prodded further.

"Your ex is back", Lee declared in a tone that suggested that he thought that the answer was obvious.

"Yes, Joe's back, but what does that have to do with us", Amanda questioned.

"Us, what us, there's no us", Lee said brokenly. "Your ex wants you back. You two can reconcile; you'll be the family that you always wanted to be. It'll be great for you and your boys", Lee concluded.

"It sounds as if you've got my life all planned out. Do I have any say in what I'd like my future to be?"

"Sure you do; I just assumed that you would do what would be best for you and the kids. You've been given a second chance to have the life that you've always wanted", Lee replied.

"That sounds very logical except for one thing", Amanda said hoping that she was finally getting through to Lee.

"What one thing", Lee asked as he allowed himself to hope that maybe Amanda wasn't rushing back to Joe.

"I'm not in love with Joe anymore and while he may think that he's in love with me I know that he never loved the me that I want to be. I told Joe that I don't want to go back, I want to go forward, and I meant it."

"Are you sure; don't you want the happily ever after that every kid dreams of", Lee asked with a look of sadness in his eyes that Amanda had never seen before.

"I learned a long time ago that happily ever after is just for fairy tales. I want a happy future but I know now that life isn't as neat and orderly as it appears in children's stories. We don't plan who we are going to fall in love with; it just happens. It's up to each of us to decide what we're going to do when it happens to us. Does that make any sense to you", Amanda finished with a smile.

"I understand the concept but it sounds pretty risky to me. If you live that way you could get seriously hurt", Lee replied tentatively.

"If you weren't a risk taker you wouldn't be lying in a hospital bed now", Amanda challenged him.

"That's a different kind of risk. I can deal with the physical pain of getting shot; I don't want to live with any more heartache. Besides if I take these risks myself than the agents with families won't be at risk. I'm expendable."

"What right do you have to decide that you're expendable? Have you thought about how your death would affect the people that care about you", Amanda demanded.

"Well I'm sure that Billy and Francine would be sorry to see me go but they know that's the risk we all take. I'm sure the Colonel would assume that I brought it on myself somehow", Lee answered.

"What about me? Don't you think that your death would affect me? I was upset when you faked your death and we hardly knew each other then."

"I'm sure you'd be upset for awhile but you'd get over it. You could go back to your life the way it was before you met me. I hope you'd remember me fondly", Lee answered wistfully.

"Lee, I don't want to go back to my life the way that it was before I met you. I love my family but being a good mother and daughter isn't enough for me. I love the work that we do together, we're making a difference in the world, and I feel more alive then I've felt in years. And as for what I feel for you it runs a lot deeper than fondness; you're going to have to start dealing with that fact. Can you tell me that all you feel for me is fondness?"

"I've felt so much more for you than fondness for a very long time but I was afraid to admit that to myself. When I finally admitted it to myself I was afraid that if I pursued those feelings I'd loose you one way or another. It was a risk I didn't want to take; I don't want to live without you in my life", Lee finished as his eyes began to sting with unshed tears.

"You don't have to live without me; haven't you noticed by now that I'm tough to shake off", Amanda said as she reached out and took Lee's hand while a single tear streaked down her face. Neither one of them was willing to use the word love at that moment but they were both determined to take whatever risks were necessary to find out what a shared future would hold for them.

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Author's note: I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thanks to everyone who posted reviews or commented on the FB page. I appreciate your feedback very much.