Chapter 4- Subtlety
His laugh was completely devoid of mirth, and it sounded more like cold cackling rather than anything else. He stood unscathed, but with tattered clothes and a bruised face. He clutched his stomach and tightened his grip around it, trying to douse the pain in his gut right now.
"Freud Landforth." With that, the cacophonous laughter ceased. "So, that's his name." His expression morphed into one of sincere happiness. "Interesting"
His attention turned to the kid in front of him, he had been on the ground for too long, he could see his facial muscles twitching because of the pain the kid was probably feeling right now. He was sweating, funny; it was like he was trying not to show fear. And his face, so uncertain, so lost, so mistrustful, how he longed for the days of his youth again, yes his youth when they told him stories of a man who was stupid enough to step outside the walls. The kid, yes he was a kid. The kid's loyalty was something he could treasure but there was something he wanted to know, something he needed to confirm, was this kid doing this because his servitude was forced upon him or because he wanted to. At any rate, he would find out soon enough.
….
Armin's fears would not go away, that was the burden of thinking about things logically; once you have something to worry about, fear sets in and dire consequences start to swarm your head in a rapid overflow. Eren, Mikasa, Ryan, Grandpa, himself, home, the people. How many things did he have to worry about? He was small and frail and before this did not understand any concept of bravery, he knew when it really mattered he would need to fight for all these people one day.
He was not strong enough; he was scared he could not be. And although it had just been a few days, what if that day he was not ready? What if that day when it would matter, he would be as weak as he was now? What if that day he was still small, frail, dependant on the very people who needed him?
….
"Rod!" He yelled coldly, and with a stern expression. He'd been outside the castle gate yelling that name for hours, he was growing impatient. The castle walls were thirty feet high, in accurate estimation. If he'd used that he could easily…
No.
He buried his face in his hands and screamed, his entire body trembled with rage.
He needed to come out. He needed to come out. Ignoring him wasn't going to fix anything; he needed to come out.
"Rod, you wretched ass!" he spoke "You knew, you knew the wall was going to fall, you knew!" He trembled violently now "I could have saved them, I could have saved them all." He fell to his knees and clutched blades of glass, tears streamed down his pale face. He was stricken with fear; he could feel his body giving in to the rage. He clenched his fist and punched the ground in agitation, pounding on and on and on until his knuckles bled.
"I swear…" He rasped "I'll kill you, Rod! Screw your city, fuck your title. Fuck all the crap I've taken from you. Right now, Right here and now I'll kill you!"
….
So this was Braise's child. She looked like that lady from the orient, that lady that Braise left the Survey Corps for. She looked so much like her, she had his gentle eyes though, those gentle eyes that reassured Seakes once. But what was wrong with her, her eyes were fearless and devoid of emotion. As he prayed he worried for her sake and safety.
"Lady Rose," he prayed "our divine arbitrator, keep us safe, keep us close to the world and let the bonds we have made on earth remain untouched. Protect those we love, protect our now and protect our future and do not let fear have us in its clutches again. Amen."
He stood up from the carpet and aided the child to rise. His old friend was here, if she was here then that meant that he was here.
"Where's your father?" He asked rather enthusiastically, forgetting that he needed to keep his calm.
"Dead." She said without remorse or sadness in her voice, she didn't twitch. She just stood there as if she had come to terms with the fact that her father was dead.
"Come again please?" He said scratching the back of his head. He was taken aback.
"Papa is dead." Again, she'd said this morosely, bluntly and without emotion.
"For how long?" He asked.
"I don't want to remember." She said this sharply and coldly
"So what did you mean when you said you had to pray for family?"
"I was adopted after his death, and that family has suffered the same fate, I have two adoptive brothers and a friend, they are all I have."
She was depressingly honest, much like her father was. The petulant little man always found a way to make his life a pain with that honesty of his. He'd saved him from being eaten by a titan many times. Braise had literally protected him on every mission they had been on and each time he'd saved him from being eaten, then made it clear that he did not like having to do that all the time.
Ross Seakes left the Survey Corps because he was terrified and joined the Wallist movement for practically the same reason, priest or not he did not believe in any of this stuff, thinking about it logically, a wall no matter how thick, was a wall and the fact that it had stood in place for over a century with continuous mending did not give it much of a right to be classified as divine. The walls, whether given names or not were still walls.
He looked into the little girl's eyes, and tried to guess how old she might have been, ten, or eleven not older than twelve. The girl, and it seemed creepy to say this, but she had this aura of power around her, the way she looked up at him, with a straight face and stern expression, her dark eyes staring deeply into his. She stood straight, like a natural born soldier. Her long dark hair was now the only form of evidence that Seakes had to prove she was a girl. She looked at him with a banal expression and despite the look; he could tell that she shared the same curiosity as he at the moment.
Breathe Seakes.
The question then was why she was here then, the orient was a separate part of the walls that stood on its own, far, way too far from Wall Rose for her to have come without a good reason, and her mother would not bring her on such a long trip.
"Where is your mother?" He asked gently. At this point in time it was clear he could barely conceal the pity he felt for the kid.
"She is also dead." Mikasa replied bowing down her head.
Well everything is just peachy now, isn't it?
Both parents were dead; the child must have thought that the world was cruel. He needed to show her that it would be better and although he did not know how he would explain it to a little kid, show her that this had happened for a reason. He felt it was his obligation, after all Braise would have done the same for his child if he had any.
"Child," he called softly, and watched as Mikasa tilted her head to see directly into his eyes "Would you stay with me, at my home? It is the least I could do after your father had saved me so many times."
Mikasa bowed her head, and clutched her robe; she looked like she was contemplating the offer. Seakes smiled, happy that at least in some small way he could repay Braise for all the things he'd done for him.
He stared at the child's face wondering if she would accept.
…
"Eren, come with me!" Ryan yelled after his brother, watching as he played in the fields, the serenity of garden was almost surreal. He didn't want to leave himself but it would be getting dark soon. They needed to go home. Mom was making smoked fished with bread rolls and she'd promised if they'd made it home early she would give them extra helpings. Mikasa of course, approached this with her natural indifference and Armin had gone home just a few minutes before on his own. There was nothing to worry about, he would make it home quickly and hopefully avoid the bullies.
Still, Ryan could not bring himself to care. His stomach was grumbling and the firewood on his back was starting to get heavy. He needed to leave for the smoked fish. The smoked fish was all he cared about.
He remembered this quite often, and upon each reminiscing he would conjure up more reasons that urged him to leave. Then right after that memory Armin's voice would echo in his head, as if he were screaming from a distance.
"These walls," He would say "They will not hold us forever." Those were his exact words before the Titans attacked, those monsters charged into Wall Maria like a plague of locusts, consuming everyone.
He remembered home, that little home that had a little space just for him. That little space he'd turned into a fortress of solitude, reading about everything and not speaking to anyone in the family except on matters of necessity. Suddenly he wished he hadn't been so pensive. So lost in thought to talk to his mother, so lost in his own world to talk much to his little brother, Eren had always been simplistic but he was a good conversationalist and that was something he'd observed from afar.
Damn it.
He'd tried to keep away for so long, no wonder Eren didn't want to talk to him.
He stared into the distance; the other Yeager had been sitting at the bottom of a hill with his head in between his head. Never had he seen him so glum and lost like he was now.
"Eren!" He called loudly. His brother did not turn, he did not move. He ran down the hill, silently praying that his brother was not angry. He murmured a plea to…whatever and whoever there was, hoping that that thing or person would curb Eren's anger towards him right now. When he got there he sat next to his brother and smiled weakly. He tapped him on his shoulder trying to get his attention. Eren lifted his head. Ryan doubled back in shock. His face was different, his eyes were bloodshot and wide with rage, and tears welled up in his eyes, his face had now developed tear troughs that went all the way down to his cheek bones, his knees were wet and his body shook violently, his fists were clenched and the smile, that smile…that smile he was wearing was sadistic, and almost insipid. Ryan shifted in the grass, and then took a deep breath.
"What?" He rasped.
Ryan for a fleeting moment realized that was how the kid was feeling.
"You have been crying yourself to sleep these past few days." Ryan replied, "Haven't you?"
"Suddenly, you have decided to be my big brother." Eren said, standing up and looking down at his brother.
Ryan ignored that. "So you have." He said with genuine concern, and then he stood up and looked at his brother in the face.
"What d'you care?" He said "You let Hannes take us! Mikasa and I, You let the fucking coward stop us from saving mom."
"What was I supposed to do?"
"Stab him in the fucking leg, so we'd get off and save her! You had his blade."
"And then what?" Ryan rasped irritated, "We'd all die, and either way we would not save mom!"
"A soldier's duty is to save the lives of as many as he can in case of a crisis! Isn't that what the fucking book you used to read so much said?" Eren roared "He is supposed to protect everyone. By killing that thing, he could have saved all of us."
"Mom's legs were trapped by the debris, even if he did kill that thing and we got her out we would have been slowed down and she was not going to let us get killed because of her, mothers are crazy that way Eren, she wasn't going to let us die because of her, in an instant she decided that it was better us than her."
"Fuck that!" He yelled "There were several ways, Hannes could have carried her and Mikasa, you and I could have run! You're only saying that because you didn't see what happened! You didn't see mom die in front of you!"
Suddenly Ryan froze, and the truth dawned on him. Eren was right, he hadn't, his back was turned the whole time, he'd seen the blood fly onto his brother's face but he hadn't seen her get eaten. He'd just imagined the worst, he hadn't actually seen it. Eren had.
"She was snapped in two," He said, his voice sinking octaves lower. He clearly didn't want to remember that. "Then the titan ate her upper body first, he swallowed her body casually, much like you whenever you ate your last bite of smoked fish.
"The blood Ryan, it trickled down his lips and he licked it as if it were savoring the taste and couldn't get enough. Those damned bastards killed mom."
The winds howled, and Ryan closed his eyes. He clenched his fist and hit himself in the knee. Then he opened them again and right now he felt nothing but concern. Strangely, all he could bring himself to feel was concern for his little brother. He should have been angry, he should have been sad. He should have been shaking with rage. All he could think was this was taking a toll on his little brother and the tear troughs showed that he wasn't handling it well.
"I swear, I'll make the titans pay!" He yelled, "This isn't about breaking free anymore. It's about revenge!"
Ryan looked at his brother's face and suddenly understood. He balled his fist one last time and struck him painfully in the jaw, Eren staggered then upon regaining his balance stared into Ryan's face, and it was calm and composed.
It was obvious now, he was angry
"Eren," Ryan rasped "Mom gave her life for you, do you get that? She served as a fucking distraction so we could run, be safe, and live. I know you wish she were here. Believe me I do too, you are not the only one sleeping in puddles of your own tears. But mom isn't here and she wouldn't want you to succumb to rage and sadness. Pull yourself together.
"Now!" He roared
….
He poked at flame with a stick and sat back down. He had been cracking jokes for a long time but as usual his audience was indifferent, their eyes held incredible disinterest, and each person was scared of one thing or the other. But that girl who sat next to him had been staring at a picture with a look of horror for the entire length of time that they been here for.
"What's up with you?" He asked spinning his stick.
She stayed completely still.
"Your assignment?" He tried again
Silence.
"Why won't you talk to me?" He asked slightly irritated.
She looked straight at the picture. "I don't have anything to say, that's all"
…
Apologies, Apologies for not writing for so long. I am trying to get into college you see so I literally haven't had time and my school piles homework on me like they run my life. God it's been annoying. Give me feedback and once again, don't lie to me