I AM SO SORRY Y'ALL I HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR THE LATE UPDATE EXCEPT THE SILMARILLION HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE

If anyone's interested, I'll be publishing a Silmarillion AU where our favorite kinslayers find themselves in the modern world, except without a dedicated fan to help them out. So yeah.

Dedicated to my brother, who pretended to like my baking for years until I actually got better at it.

"Rabbi Gofman!"

The old Rabbi raised his eyebrows and glanced Michael over. "Hello, Michael." He said with an amused smile. "Did I come at a bad time?"

"No! No, of course not." Michael forced a smile and closed the door slightly, trying to hide the scene behind him. "But, uh, what are you doing here?"

"You did not come to Temple yesterday, and we were worried about you." Gofman frowned slightly and looked him over again. The Rabbi and his wife Hannah never had children, but he considered Michael and Gabriel as close as sons, and the brothers saw him as a father or grandfather figure. As such, he thought he was well within his rights to be concerned when Michael looked as panicked as a burglar with his hand in the donation box. "Is everything alright, my son?"

"Yeah! Yeah, I just, uh, had some friends over." Michael laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck, breaking out into a nervous sweat and hoping that Gofman wouldn't call him on his bluff.

The old man raised an eyebrow. "And you ended up without a shirt?"

"Yeah, well, you know how we guys get, right?" Michael shrugged. He heard people stirring in the apartment and desperately prayed that they would realize the delicacy of the situation and stay put. "Just guys being guys!"

"Is Gabriel there with you?" He tried to look over Michael's shoulder, and the teen closed the door further.

"Uh, no he's not." Michael was slowly closing the door further and further. "He went to spend the night with some friends, and as a matter of fact I need to go and get him, so it was good to see you, I'll come to Temple on Friday night, and-."

"Master Michael? Who are you speaking to?"

Michael froze with the smile fixed on his face as Gofman's eyebrows raised even higher. Legolas came up behind him and looked over his shoulder. "Who is this?" The Elf asked curiously. "A friend?"

" 'Master', huh?" Gofman nodded slowly, looking between them with an expression that Michael knew all too well. God damn it all. "You know, son, if you wanted some time to be young and wild, you could have asked-."

"Sir, I promise, this is not what it looks like." Michael was desperately trying to cover his story. "I - uh - this is my friend Lawrence!" He opened the door and dragged Legolas forward to stand next to him, hoping the panicking smile he gave the blond would communicate his meaning. The Elf had ended up in a long t-shirt and sweatpants, so the only thing that would give him away was his ears, and those were covered by his hair.

"Hello, sir." Legolas said awkwardly, acutely conscious of Michael's terror and the old man's scrutiny. He was used to speaking in front of politicians, but he had never been so aware that he was ignorant in what to do. Was this how they talked in America? Did he have the diction right? Why was the old man looking between them knowingly?

The old man chuckled. "Michael, if you wanted to introduce me to your bashert, could you not have brought him to Temple with you one day?" He asked amusedly. Michael choked and turned bright red. "Or even invited Hannah and I over to dinner? I hate to interrupt you two in... your state."

"Rabbi, I'm not - we're not-." Michael started to say.

"I've known for a long time that you didn't just like the girls, boychik. Lie to your brother, lie to Hashem, but do not lie to me." He reached forward and patted his shoulder with a loving smile before looking to Legolas. "And hello to you, young sir. I am Michael's Rabbi. Tell me, my son, how long have you two been seeing each other? My, but you do look familiar..."

Legolas raised his eyebrows as Michael stammered, increasingly flustered. "Rabbi, I'm not - we're not together." He laughed nervously. "I'm not like that."

"Lying to your Rabbi is a sin, Michael." Gofman laughed and shook his head. "Say no more, child. You do not have to hide yourself from me, but I will leave you and your... friend until you are ready to introduce us." He winked at them. "Give Gabriel my love. Shalom, kol tuv!"

Before Gofman could turn away, Michael was roughly pushed aside by Gandalf. "I know your voice." The wizard murmured, examining the old man who seemed frozen in shock.

"Kin-a-hora." Gofman stumbled back, and Michael rushed to grab his arm to keep him from falling.

"Rabbi? What's wrong?" He asked, looking between them.

"Gandalf." Gofman whispered, his face pale and his eyes wide. Gandalf relaxed, letting out a breath of relief as he finally identified where he knew the Rabbi from. "It can't be..."

Gandalf smiled gently, reaching out a hand. "Hello, Benjamin." He said quietly.

Okay, this is officially the weirdest thing ever.

Michael blew out a breath and finished making the requested tea, glancing at the scene from the corner of his eye. In the living room, Rabbi Gofman was sitting in Michael's chair with Gandalf across from him; he was currently talking to Frodo and remarking how much he looked like his uncle with a fondness that Michael had thought was reserved for him and Gabriel.

"But sir, I do not understand." Frodo said slowly. "How did you know my uncle? I thought you were a friend of Michael's."

Gofman and Gandalf exchanged glances and chuckled. "I'd like to know that too." Michael said as he brought the tray to the two old men, setting it down on the table. Gabriel and the others were crammed by the dinner table, watching the scene quietly. He gave Gofman his cup - green tea with two spoonfuls of sugar and a splash of milk - and left Gandalf's for him to make his own. He sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the Rabbi, and dully remembered doing the same when he was a little boy, eager to hear more stories from him. "Rabbi, forgive my language, but what the hell is going on?"

Gofman took a sip of his tea and hummed with contentment before he turned his stern gaze to the young man sitting in front of him. "First of all, Michael, if you do not watch your mouth I will take you by the ear and drag you home so Hannah can deal with you herself. And another thing, I should be asking you that! Keeping strange men in your house when you have a brother to raise - pah! I should flay you for that alone! Just look at this mishegas!" Michael flushed and smiled sheepishly. Boromir and Aragorn exchanged quick glances. The man was obviously extremely old, but he moved like he was at least three decades younger. Something about him was strange. Not threatening - just the same kind of queerness that had surrounded Bilbo.

Gofman tried to glare at Michael, but ended up smiling and shaking his head instead. "And you see, it goes like this." With that he settled back and looked around to take in his audience before he started. "When I was quite young - just about your age, Michael - something quite strange happened. The year was 1938. I lived in a little town in Czechoslovakia, and I was young and full of anger at the world. I wished that I could be somewhere I could make a difference, somewhere Hitler and his Nazis could not reach me." He smiled sadly and set down his tea to clasp his worn and wrinkled hands together. "Then I met an old woman who offered me just that. She offered to take me to a place where there was a task of great importance being carried out, and if I wished, I could help them. If not, I could start a new life by myself. The choice would be mine. Of course, I sprung at the chance, and before I could say anything else to her, I found myself in a strange new place, called Middle Earth."

Michael sucked in a sharp breath as Gofman looked to Gandalf and exchanged fond smiles. He reached over and grabbed Gandalf's knee, nodding at some secret they had. "I met dear old Gandalf, and Frodo's uncle, Bilbo. They were travelling with a group of Dwarves, led by a man named Thorin, and they all graciously took me in, though quite a few of them had reservations about me. I was going to simply travel with them until they reached a town, but one thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was swept up in their quest." His expression turned from wistful to saddened. "We lost Thorin and his nephews, and nearly lost others quite a few times, but we succeeded in the end. I lived in that world for some time, traveling here and there, meeting all kinds of people, before I began to miss my home, and people like me, however I once hated them. I spent another year searching for some way back, and eventually encountered the same old woman. She hadn't aged a day, even though right on six or seven years had passed. She told me that I could return, but she would expect something in return. She refused to name what. Naturally I accepted it, and bid farewell to my friends. I returned in 1944, and you and Gabriel know the story after that."

Michael blinked and looked at Gabriel, who had his eyebrows raised. "So..." Gabriel said slowly. "What you're telling me is that you made a deal with a witch that you didn't know what she was going to expect back?"

Gofman made an irritated noise. "You cannot understand how desperate I was to return home, Gabriel."

"No, but I can." Frodo said, drawing attention back to him. He was looking at Gofman warily, but like he was beginning to trust him. "You truly travelled with Bilbo?"

"I did. And I saw him back home to Bag End." He smiled sadly. "How is he anyway?"

"He is doing well. He lives in Rivendell with the Elves now, and he turned eleventy-one not five months past." Frodo smiled. He could see the affection that the old man in front of him had for his uncle, and for his two hosts. He saw that Michael and Gabriel trusted him and loved him wholly and completely, and even though he didn't know the boys that well, he trusted their judgement. Besides, he knew that Michael would never let anyone of ill character near his brother.

Gandalf cleared his throat. "Benjamin is a good man." He assured the rest of the Fellowship, who looked unsure of the old man. "He downplays the part he had in Thorin's quest, though for his sake, I will let him tell you in his own time." He and Gofman laughed again.

"Am I the only one who feels left out on something?" Merry whispered to Pippin, who shook his head.

"Now then." Gofman turned his suddenly sharp gaze to the brothers. "You two have some explaining to do. How do you end up with a group of men from another world in your apartment?"

"Rabbi, I swear, it was an accident." Gabriel rushed out saying. "We were just having Passover, and then I went to open the door for the Prophet, and they were just standing there."

"It's true." Michael said quickly, even though he winced when Gofman looked to him. "I swear to Hashem, Rabbi, Gabe opened the door and they were just there. They said that they had met a sorceress and she cursed them, and they ended up at the door."

"What they say is true." Aragorn spoke up, expression not changing as he caught the Rabbi's stern gaze. "We were travelling down from Caradhras when we encountered her. When her spell was over, theirs was the first door we saw. We hardly had time to realize where we were before Master Gabriel opened the door. I will give you my word that this is true."

"You shouldn't be mad at them or nothin'." Sam said as well. He could tell when an old man was cross with his children (for he acted like Michael and Gabriel were his) and he knew that however reckless they may be, they didn't deserve it. "They've been nothin' but kind to us since we got here, and that's the honest truth."

Gofman looked at the group before nodding and sighing, pushing his glasses up. "Well, then." He murmured. "Stranger things have happened."

"Rabbi, tell me that this isn't something that would happen to us." Gabriel said dryly. "Like, we seriously have the worst luck in the world."

"You should be grateful for what you have, and the blessings Hashem has given you." Gofman said. "But you're right. Only you two would manage to find a mess this big."

" 'Find'-?!"

"Just let it go, Gabe." Michael gave him a look that had the younger brother rolling his eyes, but he was quiet.

"But how will you manage when Monday comes?" The Rabbi asked. "Especially with Ms. Traynor coming. I do not think she will be as understanding as I am."

"We'll burn that bridge when we get to it." Michael muttered, standing up. "Look, I have work. And Gabe, you have an essay to write. I really need to get going." He ducked out of the room and went into his bedroom, grabbing his work shirt and apron and slinging it over his shoulder. He thought for a moment about what to do with the Fellowship. They couldn't very well sit around all day, and Gabriel needed to concentrate on his work, so... "Hey, guys?" He looked into the front room. "Does anyone want to come to work with me?"

Merry and Pippin stumbled over themselves in their excitement of saying "I do!" Sam and Frodo gave each other amused looks.

"I think we all should like to get out." Gandalf said, standing up.

"Right." Michael bit his lip in thought. "Uh, my closet's right here. Good luck finding clothes that fit."

"You can look in mine too." Gabriel said.

"And that is my cue to leave." Gofman stood up slowly with a gasp of pain. Gabriel helped him to his feet, noticing with concern that his hands were shaking. Gofman smiled and grasped Gabriel's neck. "You boys need to come to Temple on Friday night to make up for what you missed." He looked to Gandalf and smiled. "It is wonderful to see you again, my old friend." He hugged him tightly. "You have permission to beat these boys round the head if they misbehave for you."

"Thanks, dad." Michael rolled his eyes but smiled lovingly. "Okay, everyone change. I have to be there in twenty minutes, and it's a fifteen minute walk."

Lucy was getting tired of Michael being late. She was always early and had everything ready to go by nine-thirty, and usually he was right on time at nine forty-five. But it was five minutes until ten and he was nowhere to be found. She knew that he had his little brother to take care of at home, and he had another job to juggle, but it was so out of character for him to be so obviously and blatantly late. She sighed and finished making an iced coffee for a business woman who was snapping into her phone and threw her change on the counter as a tip. Fourteen cents. Hooray, I can eat now. She thought sarcastically, sweeping the change into the tip jar. Where the hell was Mike?!

The door opened in an explosion of conversation. Lucy looked up to see an extremely obviously stressed-out Michael... followed by a bunch of guys who looked like they came straight from a Renaissance fair. She blinked in surprise as nine guys of varying heights all piled into the bistro, looking around awkwardly. Michael did a headcount like he was a preschool teacher, then turned around and made eye contact with Lucy.

"Luce, I'm so sorry." He said, his shoulders dropping. "I really don't have an excuse this time."

Lucy wanted to be mad at him, but found herself rolling her eyes and smiling. "You're lucky it's me on shift and not David." She said as he rushed behind the counter, pulling his hair up and out of his face as he did so. "And, uh... who are these guys? You look like you found the Fellowship of the Ring."

"Oh! Yeah." Michael laughed nervously. "Uh, these are some friends of mine from out of town. They came to visit for Passover, and Gabe needs to work on his essay, so I told them they could come chill with me here."

She raised her eyebrow and examined the group of people standing by the entrance. "They're grown men. Do they need a babysitter?" She asked doubtfully.

"You have no idea." Michael grumbled, washing his hands quickly. "Guys, just sit down anywhere. When break time rolls around we can go out or something."

Lucy wanted to make a comment, but rolled her eyes instead. "Come on, we have to take inventory, and the cappuccino machine broke down, so someone gets to fix it." She shoved his shoulder with a laugh, glancing at his weird friends out of the corner of her eye. She had a feeling this was going to be a weird day.

Just a disclaimer, there will be no Michael/Legolas. Just some uncomfortable misunderstandings and a vaguely amused Elf prince.

Please review!