Chapter 2
Just a quick warning : This chapter mentions/suggests the possibility of non consensual sex and abortion.
Several days passed by, and that time was awkward.
The Doctor was strangely quiet and Clara also, because her dreams had comprised of strange flashbacks to moments she wished she could forget.
If the Doctor had dreams also, he wasn't about to share them...
As she approached him in the console room, Clara paused, watching as he thoughtfully moved his hand over controls, but did little to them. He was deep in thought, and the excuse of being at the console was the perfect reason to stay that way, his back turned in silence...
Clara broke that silence as she joined him.
"We need to talk about what happened."
The Doctor turned to her.
"Why? A substance was introduced into the air that made everyone loved up. Even you. Not so much me, I've had experience of that stuff before and it's never worked very well on me at all. Gives me headaches."
"When was this?"
"Years ago," he replied, "Too far back to remember."
"I thought I saw Missy."
Now she had his attention.
He met her gaze as his expression changed and a troubled look briefly clouded his eyes.
"Me too, but what motivation would she have? I'm sure she has bigger plans than crashing a party and then leaving again."
Clara thought about it.
"You think I imagined her?"
"If you did, so did I, but it still means nothing," the Doctor replied, and he turned back to the console. Clara reached out and placed her hand on the sleeve of his crimson lined jacket.
"Doctor, talk to me!"
He looked at her again, this time sharply.
"There's nothing to talk about. Write it off as a rough night, forget about it. I have."
Clara frowned.
"No," she said to him, "I can't, because I can see it in your eyes - you're worried, and I want to know why."
The Doctor gave a sigh.
"Oh Clara, what's the point in me trying to brush it under the carpet? I'm sorry if I've been distant. I do remember what you said to me and yes I feel the same- but I think something happened at the party and it's kind of put my plans for us on hold until I can forget about the whole sorry affair."
Clara looked at him intently.
"What's this about?"
"That night," he replied, now resigned to telling the truth, because it threatened to ever stand between them if he didn't set it free and be done with it, "I was starting to go under the influence of the drug. Then I think Missy trapped me in a bedroom and came on to me. I didn't want her, but my body was telling me otherwise because of the gas. I remember I fought her. I know she was angry when she left. The rest is all a blank."
He saw no anger in Clara's eyes, and that came as a huge relief – she understood, of course she did...
"She tried to...force you?"
"I think so."
"But you can't remember?"
He gave a heavy sigh.
"After breathing in that stuff I'm amazed we even found each other again when we slept it off, Clara!"
And then he paused for thought, and looked intently at her again.
"Tell me about your memories."
Those wide eyes of hers had just got slightly wider, making the Doctor wonder what she was holding back.
"I remember seeing Missy...bumped into her upstairs. Then she was gone. And I remember finding you...when I got up from the sofa, when I went out the hallway – I bumped into you and I felt dizzy so I grabbed hold of your jacket. You wanted to take me upstairs to get me away from the gas, but I wanted you to come with me. You know what happened next."
She stopped right there, looking at him with a flash of guilt in her eyes.
"Sorry I was so ...forceful. You tried so hard to be a gentleman, but I begged you and so you gave in."
The Doctor leant on the console, briefly pausing to search through fragments of memory.
"No," he said, "That's not right. I was downstairs searching the grounds for the gas canisters. Clara, I think you should put that night out of your thoughts. Leave it behind."
"But I don't know what happened to me!"
"I think you do," he replied, "You were influenced by the love drug and -"
"Did what, grabbed a random?" she said angrily, "I am not like that, I just don't do things like that!"
"And I don't find myself in a position where I'm trying to fight off Missy in a bedroom, but that happened too," he replied, "Drop it, Clara. Let's move on."
And he looked at her and smiled. It was that smile that said to her he was desperately trying to make her leave it be...
"Can you?"
"What?" he asked.
"Move on?"
His smile faded.
"I intend to," he replied, "And then when this memory has faded, I want to move on to us, you and me – and a happier future. How does that sound?"
Clara met his gaze and slowly nodded.
"I can go for that." she agreed reluctantly.
"Wonderful," he said to her as he threw a lever, "Then let's start moving on right now – the planet of Elara – the people are humanoid with just a trace of reptilian scales and rather beautiful too. It is a planet that has been peaceful for many centuries, and their markets are fascinating. Let's go out for a stroll."
He walked towards the door.
"But what about -"
He paused, looked back at her and forced a smile.
"Forget about the party," he said in a measured tone that told her he was trying hard not become angry, "Let's go, Clara. It's time to have a nice day and forget about that stupid night."
Clara crossed the console floor and headed towards the door to join the Doctor. Her heart felt heavy because it seemed they both had questions left unanswered, and the Doctor wasn't going to open up about it any time soon – perhaps he never would - and she didn't want to turn this into a quarrel. So they left the Tardis together, to spend some time on a peaceful planet, where a simple day wandering around street markets was the only plan they had in mind.
After spending a couple of hours wandering around a vast market where the green eyed people dressed in colourful robes that seemed to compliment the rainbow shimmer on the scales that covered their arms, Clara was growing tired. The Doctor had bought her a necklace made of shimmering crystal beads and a scarf that was silken and an impossibly deep shade of turquoise, and then as they turned back, she looked to the end of the street, where the wider end opened up and saw tall and gleaming buildings.
"Wow, is that the city?" she asked.
"The people of this planet are of two halves," he told her, "The city dwellers and the simple folk who prefer the old ways. All live in complete harmony, though."
"Makes a change to visit such a peaceful place," she replied.
"Ooh... supercharged batteries with a three hundred year life span..." he remarked, looking to a market stall that Clara had glanced at and decided was definitely one where the Doctor would spend hours looking through gadgets and devices, "I must take a look a look over there!" he said enthusiastically.
Clara smiled.
"You do that Doctor. And don't wander off - I'm going back the other way to look at the silks again."
And she eyed him playfully.
"Stay where you are!" she said as amusement danced in her eyes, "Don't make me got to security to report a lost Timelord!"
And he smiled too.
"I'll try and be good!" he told her, and then as he headed over to the gadget stall, she turned back and walked to the other way, heading for the other end of the market.
The Doctor lost track of time.
By the time he did remember he had been too long, he put away the gadgets he had purchased, carefully packing them into a shiny silver carrier bag and then he turned around to apologise to Clara:
No Clara.
The Doctor started to worry.
"Clara?" he called, but as he looked about the bustling market place all he could see were locals. Clara Oswald was no where to be seen.
Fighting down a flicker of panic, he took his phone from his jacket, walked away from the crowd towards the place where the wide alley opened up on to the streets of the city, and then he called her number.
It rang and rang and then he was ready to leave a message when it switched to voice mail, but suddenly the call was picked up.
"Oh Doctor thank goodness! I know how this looks but it's not what you think. I was here to look at a property and I ran into Clara. She was staggering, very dizzy. Poor girl fainted in my arms. I took her to the local med centre...it's that white building you can see across the road from the market place...She's fine. Although they did say she might want to steer clear of recreational gasses in future, it was some kind of delayed reaction. Which I'm sorry about, by the way – but I had to get your attention some how. But apologies can wait - and she's fine now, she's with me – you can speak to her, Doctor! Did you hear me?"
The Doctor's eyes widened as his gaze fixed on the tall white building across the busy road.
"Missy?" he said angrily, "What have you -"
"I've done nothing!" she protested, "Oh, what's the point...here, speak to Clara!"
The Doctor's hearts were hammering hard against his chest as the phone was passed over, and Clara began to speak.
"Doctor?" she sounded dazed, "I'm okay...Missy ran into me...she helped me...I'm fine, there's no trap, nothing wrong...just come and pick me up."
The call ended.
The Doctor's pale blue eyes were wide as he looked again to the building across the street:
Missy was with her and there was no trap?There had to be a trap, because Missy was involved...
The Doctor had gone into the medical centre, called Missy again and then taken the lift to the third floor, and as he rode in that lift, as each floor passed by, his anger rose with it.
By the time the doors opened, he was ready for a bitter confrontation.
And then he walked down the corridor, saw Missy sat beside Clara in a waiting area, and noticed the way Missy was speaking kindly to her. Then she saw the Doctor approaching, and guilt shaded her eyes.
"Sorry." she said as he joined hem, "The gas... all my fault. But I just wanted you to see what I see...Oh, what's the point? You're looking at me like you hate me!"
"I wonder why." He said coldly, and then he looked in concern at Clara, who was sitting down looking rather dazed. She looked up at him and blinked tired eyes.
"I'm fine, I just need to rest...delayed reaction to the gas...Missy's apologised, please don't blame her - she actually helped me!"
Missy rose from her seat, soothed the creases from her Victorian gown and looked into the Doctors eyes.
"This has to stop," she said, and he was surprised to hear such emotion in her voice. It was real, it cut to the bone, it wasn't faked...he knew her well enough to spot a lie and this was Missy, being honest - something that was very hard indeed to accept...
"What has to stop?" he said in a hushed voice as he stepped closer to his rival.
"That hate between us. I know how I've been, I know I've done wrong. But after that night at the house...even if you don't want me ...I...I can't help how I feel! I'm a woman now, it's all change for me! And I can forgive what you did because I know how I feel in my hearts for you...this is such a mess! "
There was still a glint of a touch of madness in her eyes, but everything else rang true, and it stunned him.
"You tried to force yourself on to me!" he said in a hushed voice, "That's assault, Missy!"
Her eyes widened in alarm.
"Excuse me? I was unaffected by the gas. I took the antidote before I released the stuff! You're the one who pinned me down and took your aggression out on me because the gas made it difficult for you to, how shall I say, perform?"
The Doctor stared at her.
"What? I did what to you?"
"Would you like to see the bruises?" she asked.
The Doctor briefly closed his eyes, then he shook his head and met her gaze once more, and saw deep hurt reflected there.
"You released a toxic substance into the air. You had no way of knowing that stuff would affect me in a volatile way and neither did I! If I did anything against your will I can only apologise - and I'm mortified to think I would do such a thing but Missy, you spiked the air! You turned everyone in that house into something they were not!"
He felt a flicker of alarm as Missy's eyes filled with tears.
"Takes a lot to break me, Doctor. A lot. But I've decided to draw a line under the past, all of it – let's call what you did to me a victory, shall we? You finally reminded me who is in charge. That makes us even. I forgive you, and you forgive me. At least some good came of it."
"What do you mean, some good?" he demanded.
"Just know that I could not bear for us to part on bad terms now," she said, and she blinked away more tears, "Know that you have done nothing that love can destroy."
The Doctor was utterly bewildered and it showed on his face as he looked at her, recalling only that she had angrily left the room, slamming the door behind her on that fateful night. He was torn between confusion and deep remorse to think he could have treated her so badly - if he had, it was unforgivable...
At the back of his mind, he was desperately trying to replay that night...her anger, the way she stormed out after trying so hard to turn him on...
Why had she been angry?
Because he had been as vile as she claimed, or because the drug had got the better of him in another way, leaving him too wasted to perform?
He didn't know. And the fact that he didn't know was the worst...
The Doctor knew himself well enough.
He would never have forced himself on Missy or any other woman.
But under the influence of that drug?
No one could truly be themselves on that stuff, not once it took over...
The Doctor felt sick.
"Can we go now?" Clara said, and she looked pale and was a little unsteady as she got up.
The Doctor looked to Missy.
"I'm sorry," he said to her, "I can only apologise." And then he put his arm around Clara to steady her, and they walked away, heading for the lift.
The Doctor took Clara home.
He told her he would return in a few days, and left her to rest. And then he went off alone in the Tardis, just the Doctor and his blue box and all of time and space to give him the room he needed to breathe again and think and try and make sense of all Missy had told him.
He had never wanted more than now to hold Clara in his arms and tell her he loved her, but the thought of what he might have done to Missy held him back.
While it was true the two of them had both sensed a shift in their long story of shared animosity since Missy had become who she was, there was nothing there to ever suggest they would even be friends, let lone share a bed. And he knew he was not capable of doing what she had accused him of – yet he also knew the negative side of the love drug, because he had heard stories before that were much the same as Missy's.
He didn't want to believe it was true, and even after days of soul searching, he still had no clear answer...
It had been almost a week since he had left Clara.
His hearts ached for her, and so he returned. The Doctor's Tardis materialised at the end of the road beneath the shade of a tree just a short distance from Coal Hill School, then he waited until the working day was over, and then he called her.
Clara sounded fine now, and that came as a great relief.
Twenty minutes later, his twin hearts jumped with the sheer joy of seeing her again as she walked through the Tardis door and over to the console to join him.
"I've missed you!" she told him honestly, and then without warning she hugged him, he froze and laughed off his own embarrassment at freezing like that, and gave a her a quick squeeze back, before letting go and then throwing a lever, taking them back off into space, the place where he felt happiest, giving him a sense of total togetherness with her now – just him and Clara, in the Tardis again...
"How have you been?" The Doctor asked her.
"Fine," Clara replied, "I still feel a bit dizzy sometimes but it's going away now. You don't have to worry."
The Doctor looked at her knowingly.
"But I do," he admitted, and then he hit some buttons on the console.
"Don't move, I'm just scanning you."
"There's no need!"
He glanced at her, and she caught deep fondness in his eyes.
"There is, I want to be sure you're okay."
"But there's no need!" she insisted again.
Then the scan finished, and the Doctor looked down at the results.
"I told you," Clara said to him, "I'm fine. Now stop worrying!."
But his back was still turned, as he looked again at the scan results, the shock of what he saw, and the pain that he felt at it, hit him unexpectedly.
"Doctor?" Clara joined him, looking down at a monitor in the language of Gallifrey, as she wondered what the alien swirls had spelled out. He was still looking at the screen. Now she was starting to worry.
"I'm fine, I told you!"
Then she frowned.
"At least, I think I am? There's nothing wrong, is there?"
Finally the Doctor turned to her, and the look in his eyes was unreadable, but as he spoke, his voice was filled unmistakably with deepest hurt:
"I thought you could tell me anything," he said in a hushed voice, "I thought you would at least know you could tell me anything, and know that I would have supported any decision you chose to make. Why did you keep it from me, Clara?"
She stared at him.
"Keep what from you? I haven't kept anything from you...I don't understand?"
Now she could see it in his eyes, hurt that cut deep, and she had no clue why, but then as he spoke again, his words left her stunned:
"The scan picked up raised HCG levels. But precisely, those levels indicating you were pregnant but are not any more. We woke up together after that party. I don't remember what happened but it seems obvious, doesn't it? Clara, I'm sure you had your reasons to terminate, but you could have at least told me. That was my baby, too..."
Clara's jaw dropped as she stared at the Doctor.
She wanted to speak but for a moment, no words would come as her thoughts raced:
What baby?
There had been no baby...