DISCLAIMER: Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite, Ouran High School Host Club belongs to Bisco Hatori. I like pie.
A/N: Huzzah! I found it! This chapter got baleeted on somehow, and my harddrive crashed a while back so I couldn't replace it. But then I remembered that someone was in the process of beta-ing for me, and lo and behold, the old version was still sitting in the deepest, darkest recesses of my email! :D So now, it's back. Sans corrections (which I also found, but I will fix things later).
Chapter 2: Strawberry and the Host Club
"How did you get this number?" Ichigo growled and glared at nothing in particular. He edged his head around the wall to take a look around the living room. Karin and Yuzu were in there but his dad was nowhere to be seen. Karin was giving him a rather odd look. Scowling, he shuffled back to his room, glad that he'd picked up the cordless.
"We keep it on file now. It's easier than sending someone every time." The voice on the other end of the line said lightly. "Don't worry, we don't tell your family anything."
"Great. I have a cell ya know." He sighed, flopping on his bed. "What's the problem?"
"Oh really? We'll have to add that to the file. Anyway, have you seen Rukia-san?"
He furrowed his brow. Who the hell was he talking to anyway? Probably someone in the 13th – Rukia was in the 13th. "Not lately. Why?"
"Oh. She missed a check in. It's been three days. We're just a little worried. Well, you know what happened last time…"
Ichigo squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I thought you could trace her."
"We can but it's a new security procedure. Every shinigami in the living world must check in once a day."
"Huh. No one told me."
"You're easy to spot. And, technically, you're still only an agent."
"Whatever. You want me to go look for her."
"Would you? We figured if you can't find her, no one can!" The person on the other end – and the other side, incidentally – laughed lightly.
"You're probably right about that." Ichigo chuckled wearily. "Well, where was she last?"
"She was filling in for someone in…"
It would have been so much easier had they let him do it his way. His way was the straightforward shinigami way; pop out of his body, leave Kon to keep track of things at home, and jet on over to where Rukia had last been. But noooo, oh no. Soul Society had other ideas. Ideas that involved Renji and a new kind of gigai. This was a test run, you see.
Ichigo tugged at his tie as he stalked down the crowded hallway of Ouran High – a private academy that had far too much funding for its own good. The guys uniform wasn't too bad but something about those frilly yellow dresses the girls wore gave him a nervous tick. Renji trailed a short ways behind, completely in awe of the whole place. He was noticiably different from normal; his tattoos were gone and his hair wasn't quite so outrageous. He also didn't appear to be as muscular. This was the new gigai – the one designed to blend in. Ichigo guessed that this is what Renji had looked like when he was a teenager. He'd looked normal (normal for Renji, that is) when they'd set out to infiltrate the school but once they'd gotten into the crowd he'd started to change.
If Ichigo hadn't known the guy, he wouldn't have noticed him. It was kind of brilliant. Still, he would have rather checked the school as a shinigami, it would have gone much quicker. Not so brilliant was when Renji had come up with the bright idea of simply sneaking into the school without implanting any false memories. He really wanted to push the gigai to its limits. So far they'd been lucky – Ichigo had snuck into more than a few places before, and Renji seemed to be adept at it. He had a sneaking suspiscion that if they were caught, they'd dissapear. He doubted they could pull the rival school prank card; Karakura was too far away and Ouran was way, way out of its league.
"She's still upstairs." Renji said, catching up.
Ichigo nodded. "Yeah, I know."
"I thought you still couldn't sense reiatsu." Renji raised an eyebrow.
He shrugged. "I can sense certain people. Chad from way off; you, Ishida, Inoue, and Rukia from within a kilometer radios."
"Oh, you've finally improved!" Renji slapped him on the back.
Ichigo shot him a sharp look, which prompted the shinigami to laugh. Grumbling under his breath, he picked up the pace and set his face to his "get the hell outta my way" scowl. This worked brilliantly, apparently, the rich didn't have to deal with punks that often. And boy, did they look like a couple of punks! It was almost funny really, he with his spiky orange hair and Renji with his long crimson hair and intimidating height. They rounded the corner to find some stairs (at last) when Ichigo caught a glimpse of someone out of the corner of his eye – someone wearing almost the exact same expression he was. He even had red hair although it was pretty dark, closer to Renji's color.
They stared at one another for a moment in mild surprise, then the other guy grunted and nodded. Ichigo did the same.
"Who was that?" Renji asked as they mounted the stairs.
"No idea." Ichigo shrugged.
Up the stairs to the top floor, all the way to the end of the north wing, a music room not being used. Laughter was heard on the other side of the doors, Rukia's among it. They stared for a few seconds… was she in a gigai?
Opening the doors, they found themselves in ancient Egypt. There was an awkward pause as the occupants of the room stared at them, as they stared back. They were mostly female – those irritating yellow dresses fluttered everywhere – but the few males in the room wore Egyptian robes and headdresses. The guy in the most expansive head dress swept forward. "As Pharaoh, I must welcome you to the Host Club." He bowed deeply. "May we help you?"
The rest of the club slid into view behind him, staring flatly at the newcomers. Except for one, the boys eyebrows had crawled up to his hairline. Ichigo blinked; on closer inspection, the that partiular boy appeared to be a girl.
"Host… club?" Renji grunted, bewildered.
"Ah, yes!" said the Pharaoh, "It is a game unique to this fine school! We exist solely to provide happiness and entertainment to the ladies here."
All of the girls giggled at this. Ichigo wondered what in the hell Rukia was doing up here. Maybe they had the wrong room… well, wouldn't hurt to ask. "Ah, is Kuchiki Rukia here?"
The Pharaoh started. "You… know Rukia-san?"
"Yeah, we're her friends." Ichigo and Renji replied simultaneously.
"Ah!" The lone girl in the club said, slamming a fist into her open hand. "You must be Ichigo!"
"Uh, yeah. So, is she here…?" Ichigo scratched the back of his head.
"She didn't say anything about me?" Renji asked, slumping slightly.
The girl stepped foreword. "Uh… I don't think so. She was just talking about how her friend Ichigo hated her drawings and she mentioned once that he had orange hair." She shrugged.
Ichigo sighed as Renji relaxed. Renji thought her drawings were stupid too but knew better than to say as much to Rukia.
"Ha ha! You've got guts, man!" The twins said simultaneously. They grinned at him in a slightly disturbing manor. "We only offered some constructive criticism and she nearly took our heads off!"
Renji stared at Ichigo. "You insulted her drawings and she let you live? Granted, I know you're hard to kill…"
Ichigo stared back. Maybe this gigai was working a little too well, was Renji actually jealous?
"What class are you two in? I don't believe I've seen you before." A black-haired boy tapped a clipboard, sunlight flashing ominously across his glasses. The boys too-cool demenor paired with the eye-wear glint remided Ichigo of Ishida for a vaguely foreboding moment.
"We're from…"
"Uh…"
"Ichigo? Renji?"
They relaxed as Rukia stepped into view, a sketchbook under one arm and a very small boy on the shoulders of a very large boy ambling after. Ichigo almost had a seizure. Not only was she in a gigai, she was wearing one of those stupid dresses!
"Rukia! We found you!" Renji laughed, bouncing over. Yes, bouncing. Rukia stared at him in shock.
"Rukia-chan was drawing with us!" The small boy laughed, waving his pink bunny around.
"Aa." The tall guy grunted. He and Chad would get along really well, Ichigo thought, amused.
"Renji… why do you look forty years younger…?"
Forty? How old – oh yeah, Rukia was over a hundred years old, stood to reason that Renji was too.
"Long story," Ichigo interjected before Renji could start gushing (and a gushing was eminent). He threw a glance at the small boy and the bunny, then the sketchbook. He understood now why Rukia had been hanging around here. "Your division called; you forgot to check in."
Rukias eyes widened. "Oh! Damn! How long has it been?" She spun around in search of a clock.
"Division…?" The Pharaoh said, staring hard at Ichigo and Renji.
"You have been here almost a week, Rukia-san," the boy in glasses informed.
"Shit." she hissed, much to the clubs' surprise. Suddenly, the room was empty.
Ichigo glanced around the room as the last of the girls scurried out. That was certainly weird. "Yeah, well, I suppose I can't blame you, it's not every day you find someone who likes your crappy little draw-oof!"
She'd moved so fast he hadn't had time to dodge her punch. Rubbing his stomach, he squinted moodily at her.
"Wow! You're fast Rukia-chan!" The small boy laughed as the larger boy set him down. "I didn't know you knew martial arts! But I should have guessed since you and Takashi had a good battle yesterday! We should spar some time!"
"That would be fun, Hunny-chan!" Rukia smiled sweetly.
"She really didn't try to kill you for that…" Renji said forlornly. Then he glared hard at Ichigo. Yup, time to get him out of that gigai before he did something dumber than usual.
"Okay! Time to go. We need to get Renji home before he forgets how old he actually is." Ichigo said, grabbing the shinigami by the arm and yanking him away from Rukia.
"What? What are you talking about!" Renji snapped, jerking free. "I know how old I am!"
"Yeah, and that gigai is making you act like a teenager!" Ichigo snapped back, poking him between the eyes.
"It is… not… hmph." He furrowed his brow. "Actually, now that you mention it… I do feel a little… oh, what's the word…?"
"Emotional." Ichigo supplied flatly.
"Emo, more like it." The twins said offhandedly.
Renji directed his glare at the twins, who grinned. "Yes, emotional."
"Oh! Are you testing a new gigai?" Rukia stepped over and poked Renji in the side. "It's meant to blend in right? Well, no wonder you look forty years younger! I don't recall you ever being this dramatic before though…"
Renji blushed and took a step back. "It's - it's clearly malfunctioning." He shuffled a bit and rubbed the back of his neck. "Is this what it feels like to be a human teenager? No wonder you're so quick tempered, Ichigo – oof!"
Ichigo shook his hand out as Renji doubled over coughing. Suddenly… "Yowch! What was that for!" He rubbed his arm.
"For punching Renji when you know full well his gigai is malfunctioning!" Rukia snapped, crossing her arms over her chest.
"That's it! I wanna see!"
There was the sound of something unzipping, then Kon poked his head out of Ichigo's book bag. The host club took a big step back, staring wide eyed at the possessed plushy.
Kon took one look at Renji then burst out laughing. He laughed so hard that he fell out of the bag. Renji tried to stomp him but the mod-soul darted out of the way, attaching himself to Rukia. "Nee-san! I missed you so much! Ichigo is such a grouch!"
"Hi Kon," Rukia sighed, prying him off of her chest and dropping him unceremoniously onto the floor. She smirked. "I see you've been playing with Yuzu again."
Kon crossed his arms over his chest, attempting to hide the pink bow around his neck. "Unfortunately I forgot to make myself scarce yesterday when Yuzu was cleaning… damn that girl can tie knots! Why didn't you come rescue me, Nee-san!" He buried his head in her skirt.
"Because she was playing around here." Ichigo sighed.
"I haven't just been playing around." Rukia planted her hands on her hips. "There's a slough of earth-bound souls here. They've been dormant up until a few days ago and every one I've seen has been just days from becoming hollows. Tamaki-san has been helping me locate all of them before they turn. He's surprisingly good at detecting them." She gestured to the Pharaoh, who nodded, a haunted expression on his face.
"Eh?" Ichigo and Renji stared at Tamaki. He was tall and lean with blond hair and blue eyes. Curiously he didn't exactly look foreign. He was the kind of guy most other guys took an immediate disliking to, simply because they know their female friends would feel the exact opposite.
"You don't suppose he's strong enough to be a shinigami do you?" Ichigo muttered to Renji.
Renji shook his head. "No, he's just strong enough to see us – unless his power's mostly dormant."
Ichigo's badge went off then, followed by Rukia's cell phone. "Damn! We missed one!" She hissed, hiking her skirt up and retrieving her phone from a leg holster wrapped around her calf.
Ichigo stared for a moment but decided not to comment. Renji looked like his head was about to explode. Without a second thought, he jammed his badge into Renji's chest. The shinigami burst free of the gigai and stumbled a few steps. Renji shook his head then stared at Ichigo. "What have I been thinking all this time?"
"Dude, that is the million dollar question." Ichigo said. He snagged Kon, popped him out of the plushy then swallowed the little green pill. As soon as he was free of his body, he grabbed the mod soul by the shirt collar. "Stay here, guard the gigais and don't cause trouble."
"What? Since when do I cause trouble?" Kon grinned.
Rukia and Renji flopped their limp gigais onto the couch. "Lets go!"
"No gikongan?" Ichigo asked, quirking a brow.
"Nah, Yachiru was caught tampering with them, the 12th is still undoing whatever it was she did." Renji chuckled nervously.
"Oh." Ichigo tried not to think of what Yachiru might want to do with temporary souls as he started for the nearest window.
"Don't let him out of the room," he barked, pointing at Kon and giving Tamaki a sharp look. The blond gluped and nodded. Letting out a grumbling sigh, Ichigo pushed the window open and leapt outside.
The host club watched as Ichigo knocked out Renji, then knocked out the plushy, then knocked himself out whilst Rukia passed out for no apparent reason. Watched as Ichigo rose as if he was being lifted, then woke up again, only to be grabbed by the shirt collar by some unseen force; watched as Renji and Rukia were dragged by invisible hands to a nearby sofa; watched as a window opened of its own accord to let in a warm breeze. The concept of a false body had been explained to them, of course, but it was still strange to watch.
Especially for Tamaki, who'd seen exactly what was going on. He almost wished he couldn't see what was going on, it would have made more sense. "That gigai really did make Renji look younger…" This was the first coherent thought that entered his mind.
"So… I couldn't hear that much… what exactly is this Host Club?"
The club turned back to Ichigo but it was clear to everyone that the boy loosening his tie was not Ichigo. Kon wasn't even trying, of course.
"Oh… ah… what's your name?" Tamaki asked. That was certainly bizarre – he knew that was Ichigo's gigai but it didn't look exactly like him now, unlike Rukia's gigai… wait… why was Ichigo's gigai up and walking around without a soul in it? And hadn't Renji said something about Ichigo being human?
"I'm Kon." He grinned.
"Isn't that what Rukia-san called the lion doll?" Kaoru said.
"Yeah, this is the real me," Kon said, stooping and lifting the plushy off the floor. "They just put me in Ichigo's body when he needs to be in two places at once."
"You're like… a temporary soul aren't you?" Haruhi asked, edging closer. "Because Ichigo is human."
"Yeah, pretty much."
"How can Ichigo be a shinigami if he's still alive?" Kyoya asked, tapping his clipboard. "That seems almost contradictory."
"It's a long, weird story." Kon sighed. "Anyway, about this Host Club. It sounds intriguing."
And so, Tamaki explained what it was to be a host. This was, perhaps, one of his more idiotic ideas.
Kon stared, his mouth hanging open. "I want in!"
"Ah, Kon-san, you don't go to this school." Haruhi pointed out.
"Besides, you don't even meet the basic visual criteria," the twins sighed.
"Ho ho ho ho ho ho!"
HIGH POWERED MOTOR!
"Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!" Renge whirled up out of the floor. Her outfit today was a variant on the shinigami uniform she'd worn days ago; the hakama was the same but she had a long black coat on instead of a gi. It was tattered rather dramatically at the hem, was lined in red, and seemed to come with its own breeze. Her hair had been dyed a rather familiar shade of orange. She'd switched out her swords too, today it was a black nodachi that was taller than she was, and had a manji for a guard. "But that is where you're wrong Hitachiin brothers!"
"Did she just come out of the floor?" Kon gaped.
"How do you figure?" The twins spun slowly to look at her, eyes half-closed shrewdly.
"And that isn't weird?" Kon glanced at Haruhi as he gestured to Renge.
"Define weird." Haruhi quirked an eyebrow at the mod soul. After a moment of thought, Kon nodded in understanding.
"While it is true that Kurosaki Ichigo is not the most handsome of hero'es-"
Kon sniggered.
Kyoya rose an eyebrow then zipped off to his laptop, muttering the name "Kurosaki" under his breath.
"He possesses something this club is sorely lacking, something that, sadly cannot be found amongst the rich!"
Tamaki was starting to catch on. "He does have a sort of grittiness doesn't he…"
"Yes!" Renge crowed. "That is a very good start, Tamaki-senpai! Kon! Can you imitate Ichigo's scowl?"
"Of course! But I don't like doing it for long – I can't figure out how he does that all the time – he even scowls in his sleep!"
"Do it now! And make it as dark as possible!" she commanded, pointing dramatically at the mod soul.
Kon was so startled he obeyed immediately and without question.
As he glared at no one in particular, the club slid in front of him, Kyoya holding his laptop in one hand. The second thing they noticed was that Kon suddenly looked precisely like Ichigo – which was an odd thing to notice considering that was Ichigo's body. The first thing they noticed…
"Bad Ass." The twins said, nodding slowly, understanding at last.
Tamaki leaned in close. "Yes… yes we have a little devil type, and a wild type, but no bad boy! No anti-hero!" He bounced back a step and snapped his fingers. "Kaoru, Hikaru!"
"Yes sir!" They snapped to attention.
"You know what to do."
"Sir!"
Before Kon could comprehend what was going on, the twins had snatched him up and were hauling him away.
"Tamaki-senpai, are you sure this is a good idea?" Haruhi asked, shuddering at the memory of being snatched up by the twins for a makeover. She pitied Kon, she really did.
"Of course!" Tamaki gestured expansively. "Is it not the job of the King to see to it that his kingdom has everything it could possibly need?"
"And, oh how the ladies will adore a forbidden love between a princess and a gritty warrior of common birth!" Renge swooned.
"You are on fire today, Renge-kun!" Tamaki beamed.
"Yes. Hmm, you know, I may need to help them get just the right look." She hopped down off of her platform and shouldered her prop-sword, heading off in the direction the twins had taken. "They're brilliant with beauty but I've honestly never seen them do anything with gritty…"
"Ah, yes, I understand that angle… amazingly." Haruhi shook her head. "But isn't that Ichigo's body, and doesn't he go to another school? And… well, he doesn't strike me as the type to take this in good humor…"
"Ichi-chan won't mind!" Hunny piped up. He was hugging both his bunny and Kon's lion plush. "It's only for a couple of days while Rukia-chan and Tama-chan exorcise the rest of the ghosts right? It should go even faster with three shinigami!"
"Aa." Mori agreed.
"But… wouldn't Kon need to be at home to fill in while Ichigo is working here?"
"Uh… oh that's right…" Tamaki cupped his chin in his hand, thinking.
"Already taken care of." Kyoya snapped his computer shut.
"Kyoya-senpai?" Haruhi gaped at him. Surely the Shadow King didn't think this was a good idea, did he?
"Kurosaki's test scores are decent and it seems the karate club has been after him to join for some time now. All and all, he has potential. I just emailed his guidance councilor and his father. For the next three days, Kurosaki shall be touring Ouran High as a prospective scholarship transfer student." Kyoya smiled that scary little smile of his.
No, Kyoya didn't think this was a good idea. He just wanted to see what happened. Haruhi backed away slowly. Impossibly, things were only going to get weirder…
"You know, that really didn't require the three of us." Rukia said as they ambled across Ourans' roof.
"Yeah, we should have just sent Renji." Ichigo agreed.
He nodded, wide-eyed. "I really needed out of that gigai. I don't have to inhabit that thing home, do I? No, of course not, it's malfunctioning."
There was a bit of a surprise waiting for them when they hopped in the window of the third music room. Ichigo froze. The first thing he noticed was a girl wearing the exact same clothes he wore when he released bankai, complete with Tensa Zangetsu. The second thing he noticed was that Kon was rather sparkly in a broody kind of way.
"What the fu-?"
"Nee-san!" Kon bounced over to Rukia. "Guess what! Tamaki-sama is letting me join the Host Club while you guys finish exorcising all of the ghosts!"
"Oh dear god no!" Rukia squeaked.
"Oi… Ichigo… isn't that…?" Renji pointed at the girl in the bankai outfit.
"It is." Ichigo marched over to her and waved his hand in front of her face. She didn't react at all, just kept chattering away about her plans for Kon.
"Why not, Rukia-san?" Tamaki blinked cluelessly.
"Because he's a pervert!"
"I promised to be good!" Kon beamed.
"Oi! Where'd you get those clothes… damnit… KON! Get over here!" Ichigo fished his badge out of his robes and tackled the mod soul. The host club sprang back as Kon abruptly collapsed. When he stood again, it was clear that Ichigo had returned. He tossed Kon to the blond kid, who stared at the pill for a moment before stuffing it back into the lion plush.
"Ichigoooooo! Why'd you go and – oof!"
Ichigo kicked him away then stalked up to the cosplay girl. "Who the hell are you?"
She stared for a moment, cheeks flushed. "Oh my, I did better than I thought!"
"What?" Ichigo blinked. This was not the reaction he was going for.
"I, Hoshakuji Renge, am a genius!"
"Kon looked good… but Ichigo is downright scary." Kaoru agreed as Hikaru nodded.
"I don't know, he seems a little too rough," Tamaki mused.
"Oh, don't let that fool you, he's quite the gentlemen in his own way. Very good with his sisters." Rukia said offhandedly, she didn't exactly know what was going on. She was back in her gigai, was handing a pad of paper and a pencil to Renji. He had a silk floral scarf draped over his shoulders for some reason.
Ichigo twitched around to look at the rest of the host club. They were staring at him like some kind of prized animal. It was a little disconcerting. Deciding he didn't want to know what they were talking about, he ran a hand back through his hair and attempted to curb his temper. "Hoshakuji… where did you find that costume?"
"I made it myself of course! Bleach is very popular right now! And mess with your hair again please!" She beamed and leaned in closer. She was blushing quite profoundly and her eyes were about to pop out of her head.
Ichigo stumbled back. "Uh… what?"
"So cute!" She squealed. Unable to contain herself any longer, she swept him into a tight hug. "He's so clueless! Perfect! Perfect!"
"What the hell!" Ichigo yelped, trying to pry her off and having a hard time at it. And then…
"So genuine!" Tamaki gushed, bouncing over and joining in the hug. And then everyone was hugging Ichigo. Well, almost everyone. Mori knew better, and Kyoya didn't go in for group hugs although he was smiling that scary little smile of his again. Haruhi seemed to have been caught up with the twins and was having a hard time breaking loose.
"Sorry Ichigo-san! They get like this sometimes!" she shouted. "Let go, Hikaru!"
"Lucky bastard…" Kon muttered, eyeing Ichigo enviously.
"I don't get it." Rukia scratched the back of her head.
"Neither do I." Renji shook his head.
With an audible pop, Ichigo burst free of the hug and stumbled back, his clothes askew and his hair messier than usual. The host club stared. "What the hell is wrong with you people! Nevermind! I don't want to know! I'm going home!"
"I'm afraid you can't do that." Kyoya said, tapping his glasses.
"Oh?" Ichigo quirked a brow, his voice an ominously low growl. Somewhere in the back, Renge swooned.
"Because, at the moment, Kurosaki Ichigo, you are officially a prospective transfer scholarship student to Ouran Academy. Don't worry, your test scores are high enough; I'm sure if you didn't split your time between schoolwork and your shinigami duties you'd be at the top of your class, so it is a genuine possibility. I've already contacted your school and your father. They'll be expecting you back in three days." Kyoya shrugged. "It's only a front, of course, while you help Rukia-san exorcise the rest of the ghosts. In the meanwhile, we can keep Kon busy for you."
Ichigo felt his eye twitch. There were so many questions but only one managed to escape his lips. "Why?"
Kyoya simply smiled.
Ichigo snorted. "Whatever. You can't keep me here."
"As interesting as this sounds, he's right. You can't." Rukia shook her head, shifting her weight.
"I believe I can." Kyoya reached into his blazer and withdrew a handful of photos. He held them up for Ichigo to see.
Ichigo froze. "Where did you get those?"
"Your father happily supplied them." Kyoya said coolly, tucking the photos back into his blazer.
"Of course he did." Ichigo growled.
"Oh, you'll want to visit with the karate club at least once. Rumor has it you're quite good and it will add to your cover."
"That was fast," Hikaru said, "I didn't realize you could put your evil schemes into motion so quickly."
"Kurosaki Isshin was online when I emailed him." Kyoya shrugged. "I got lucky."