DISCLAIMER: Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite, Ouran High School Host Club belongs to Bisco Hatori. I like pie.

Chapter 3: The Phantom Menace

It wasn't as bad as Ichigo had initially thought. For one thing, Rukia really had been working – she just donned her gigai during down-time to draw with Hunny-senpai (he was still having a hard time believing that little kid was two years his senior), and the dress was mostly to blend in – it irritated her as much as Ichigo, apparently. Additionally, she and Hunnys' antics had become quite a draw for the club, the inner workings of which - heaven help him – he was starting to understand.

Renji had returned to Soul Society to complain to R&D as well as update everyone on their current fiasco. They hadn't heard anything, which Ichigo assumed meant there wasn't a problem.

There were three big surprises; the first and certainly the biggest was Kon. Things hadn't quite ended up the way he'd pictured. On top of having to act like a brooding Ichigo, he had to behave himself, be a gentleman. Frankly, being in the Host Club was pure torture to the perverted little mod-soul. But, he refused to leave until the three days were up. Ichigo found Kons predicament terribly amusing.

The second was Tamaki. He was actually helpful and - when not laying on the charm in deadly doses - was a decent guy. Ichigo was hesitant to call him cool. Especially after he just scurried past what appeared to be an unused chemistry lab. Yes, scurried. Ichigo decided it was best not to ask. As he passed the doorway, he spun around just in time to see a cloaked figure with a little cat puppet of all things duck back inside, chuckling softly.

"Ichigo-san!" Tamaki hissed, waving him foreword. "The Black Magic Club meets there, come on!"

Ichigo rose an eyebrow. Black Magic Club? That was certainly weird.

The third surprise was the ghosts themselves; there were hundreds of them. They surfaced gradually throughout the course of the day. When Tamaki was free he helped Ichigo and Rukia locate them but they were on their own while he was in class. So far, they'd only missed two. Luckily, the hollows had been weak and were easily dispatched.

Make that three.

Tamaki zoomed past him and ducked into an empty classroom, a hollow hot on his heels. Ichigo lifted Zangetsu off his shoulders, lashed out, caught the hollow across the flank, then reversed his grip to plunge the sword clean through the mask. The hollow let out a strangled roar then began to dissolve. It had been about the size of a small truck, the largest hollow yet.

"You're only a temp?" Tamaki gaped at him as Ichigo rewrapped Zangetsu then rested the sword across his shoulders. "I wonder what a full blown shinigami is like in battle!"

Ichigo shrugged. "Actually, I'm captain level."

Tamakis eyes bugged out of his head as he hopped back out into the hall. "So… you would outrank Rukia-san if you went full time?"

Ichigo had to think about that. "Well, yeah, I guess."

"Have you met with the Karate Club yet?! I'm sure they'd love to have you! Oh and the Kendo Club too! Mori-senpai can set up a meeting." Tamaki trailed after him like a puppy.

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "That's just cover, remember? I'm not actually applying here."

"But Kyoya thinks you could make it and I agree."

"Ptttht. You just want me pwn hollows."

"And keep the ghosts away. But I really do think you'd do well here."

Ichigo stopped and turned around – and immediately regretted it. For not only was Tamaki following him like a puppy, he had whipped out the Puppy Eyes.

Ichigo stumbled back. "No! I'm not applying here!"

.…

"This is just a job! When it's done, I'm going back to Karakura!"

He started to wibble.

"Fine! I'll think about it! Damn!"

"Yay!"

Ichigo threw his hands in the air then stalked off, absently performing konsos as he went. A half dozen ghosts had sprung up after the hollow had appeared.

The ghosts stopped coming suddenly an hour later. Surprisingly tired, Ichigo ambled into the third music room. The club was just getting set up. He paused for a moment to watch Kon work his face around into various weird expressions in front of a mirror. Sensing his gaze, the mod soul half turned.

"I have to warm up before I scowl all day – you really need to learn a different expression!"

Ichigo wasn't in the mood to argue, just rolled his eyes and shuffled to the back of the room. He plopped down at a small table across from Haruhi, who was sneaking in a little study time before she was dragged off to play. She looked about as tired as he did.

"Long day." Ichigo yawned and stretched. When she didn't respond he smacked himself on the forehead. He reached across the table and snagged a notebook she wasn't using, as well as a spare pencil.

She nearly jumped out of her skin but relaxed as she realized one of the shinigami was sitting with her. Ichigo scribbled out a greeting and held the notebook up.

"Oh, hello Ichigo-san."

Ichigo blinked. He hadn't said who it was. "How'd you know it was me?" He wrote.

"You just wrote 'Yo'. Rukia-san is a little more formal. And I don't think Renji-sama came back."

"Ah. Good catch. You're still studying for exams?"

"No, I just wanted to get my homework done early today." She scribbled down a few notes then flipped to a new page in her notebook.

After a few minutes of companionable silence, Ichigo remembered something he'd been meaning to ask her. It hit him yesterday why she was in the club now, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out why she'd joined in the first place.

"Why did you join this club?" He wrote.

Haruhi glanced at the notebook. "It's a long, strange story." She laughed wearily.

"Figured as much. How come so many people think yer a guy?"

Haruhi glanced up then did a double take. Amazingly, her brown eyes snapped up to meet his. He was sure she couldn't see him, which made it all the more unsettling.

"When did you figure it out?"

"Right off the bat. There's a lot of idiots around here aren't there?"

"You can say that again." She chuckled. "It's… it's a lot of fun though."

"Heh."

"So why did you become a shinigami?" Haruhi asked a minute or so later, finishing her homework with a flourish and stuffing it neatly back into her bag.

"Long strange story."

She smirked. "Is it rewarding?"

"Yeah… actually. Plus it's great stress release. Nothing like heading out after a tough day of school to pound some hollows."

Haruhi burst out laughing, Ichigo followed suit, jotting down; "Lol!" This prompted Haruhi to laugh harder. Their laughter drew the attention of the Host Club King who promptly zipped over to spy on them from behind a pillar. He wasn't quite sure what to do; tough guys seemed to like Haruhi (even when they thought she was a boy) and this was the most relaxed he'd seen Ichigo.

"What is it Milord?" Hikaru asked.

Tamaki started then snagged the twin, dragging him behind the pillar with him. "Haruhi is laughing with Ichigo!"

Hikaru twitched and eased his head around the pillar just in time to see the notebook slide across the table to Haruhi. She'd just stopped laughing but whatever the shinigami had written had set her off again. Hikaru and Tamaki slammed back behind the pillar.

"What should we do?"

"I don't know!"

Tamaki eased back to take a close look at Ichigo. He didn't look like he was flirting but it was hard to tell with him. He just seemed… friendly. Maybe that was flirting for him!

"What do you see?" Hikaru hissed.

"He's being friendly!" Tamaki gasped.

Hikaru blinked. "And?"

"What are you two do – ah!"

"Shhhhh!"

Kaoru stared at them for a moment.

"Ichigo is making Haruhi laugh!" Tamaki whimpered. A sulking was eminent.

Kaoru also poked his head around the pillar. It was true, Haruhi was having a hard time keeping her laughter quiet. The boys zipped down to a huddle, quietly debating what, if anything, they should do.

"What are they up to now?" Haruhi sighed.

"I'll find out." Ichigo wrote, making sure he scraped the chair back slightly so that she knew he'd gotten up. He sauntered over and leaned against the pillar, directly behind Tamaki.

"We could always make him get back in his body so we know where he is." Hikaru said.

"But what about the ghosts? Rukia-san said she couldn't keep up with them by herself." Tamaki said.

Ichigo smirked. Although Tamaki was good at detecting earth bound spirits, he seemed as clueless as he was when it came to sensing reiatsu.

"How dangerous are the ghosts anyway? You have to be used to them by now." Kaoru said.

"They still bug me a little…" Tamaki squeezed his knees to his chest. "But that's not the problem. If these ghost stay, they'll turn into monsters remember?"

"How bad could they be? We've never seen them." The twins said in unison.

"They'll eat your soul!" Tamaki stared wide eyed at them.

"So, they're like Kyoya."

Ichigo snorted a laugh.

Tamaki slowly looked up then grinned sheepishly before leaping to his feet. "Ah, Ichigo-san… did you enjoy your chat with Haruhi?"

"Yeah. She was wondering what you guys were up to."

"Oh noth… you know?!" Tamaki looked absolutely petrified.

"He knows?" The twins repeated, exchanging glances. "He knows?"

"He knows." Tamaki gulped.

"He knows!"

"I know! We'll make him wear a bell!" Hikaru jabbed a finger in the direction he thought Ichigo was in, which was more or less correct then darted off towards one of the cosplay closets, Kaoru in tow.

"Know… what?"

Ichigo lifted his head as he picked his iPod off his chest. Watching Kon at work was just a little too freaky so, without any ghosts or hollows to deal with, he'd retreated to one of the staging rooms to snooze. Thumbing through his various playlists, he pondered the Host Club. It was a very bizarre situation, to say the least. A part of him thought it was ingenious but most of him was weirded out by the whole thing. Especially the part where they'd worked Kon into the mix. That same part of him that found the whole setup ingenious was also a bit flattered but he had no desire to join in the fun.

Finding a list on the mellow side, he hit play then plopped his head down on one hand, let the other hand dangle lazily off the side of the couch. Yep, this was good. Closing his eyes, he smiled faintly and let the music drown out everything else in his brain.

Roughly ten minutes later, when he was in that pleasant space between awake and dreaming, he noticed the disturbance. It was light, and situated a fair distance below but it was there, swirling slowly. Still pleasantly hazy, he watched it for a while, more curious than anything. He wasn't in any kind of mental state to make connections, but had he been more alert, he would have noticed that there was a rather strong vein of energy shooting from the center of the lazily swirling vortex to the general area of a certain unused chemistry lab. Then again, had he been more alert, he wouldn't have noticed the disturbance in the first place. It was one of those things you don't notice unless you're not looking for it.

"Oh, so this is where you got off to."

Ichigo didn't flinch but the disturbance faded from his semi-awareness as his mind woke up a little bit.

"Should put a note on the couch so no one sits on you. Not that anyone will be back here for a while."

Ichigo grunted. The sign didn't sound like such a bad idea… then again, the twins had been talking about putting a bell on him, leaving a sign that read "Ichigo's here – don't sit!" was a surefire way to tell them where he was at the moment. As much as he enjoyed kicking ass, he really didn't want to interupt his nap.

Rustling fabric made itself heard just above the music, told him that Rukia was in her gigai. Then came the scent of markers...

"Don't bother, the twins are after me for some reason." He muttered, shifting position slightly.

"Hmm. What'd you do?"

"Talked to Fujioka."

"That's all?"

"Apparently making her laugh is a crime." Ichigo shrugged.

"You made her laugh?" The shock in her tone was vaguely irritating.

"We were joking about Souh."

"Oh. Okay, that makes sense. Hmm. They are kind of protective of her aren't they? Especially Hikaru."

"Mmm. So you noticed that she's a girl."

"Of course, I don't know why no one else can see it. Tamaki's kind of protective of her too, come to think of it… I wonder what's going on there…"

Ichigo cracked an eye open. "Been reading shojou manga again have we?"

"No!" Rukia chucked a marker at him.

He squeezed his eye shut and turned his face away as the marker bounced off his shoulder. "Are you sure you're a shinigami 'cause that was pathetic!" He grinned.

He'd expected her to throw another marker, maybe drop the whole box on him, maybe even bop him on the head. He didn't expect the pile-drive. Ichigo sat up with a painful yelp as Rukia dug her elbow into his gut. Absently snagging his iPod before it was crushed, he shoved her to the end of the couch. Before he could react further, she had gotten behind him somehow, had him in a headlock. "What the – no! No noogies! Gaaahhh!"

"Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!" Rukia cackled in her best Don Kanonoji imitation.

"Oh that's it! You just had to do the laugh didn't you!" Ichigo hooked one arm behind himself, grabbed her round the waist and hauled her out from behind him. Rukia yelped and flailed, trying to break free but only succeeding in tangling herself up in her dress.

"Damn stupid yellow piece of sh- !"

"So don't wear it!" Ichigo quipped, letting go at the last moment, letting her flail herself face first onto the couch.

"Pervert!" She snapped, whirling around.

Ichigo caught her foot before it connected with his jaw. "I didn't say take it off, I said don't wear it! They've got to have something else around here to wear."

Rukia glared squinty eyed at him. Apparently, she hadn't heard that part. Which was all of it. Hmmm…

"Are you sure you haven't been reading shojou manga agai – ow!" Her other foot hit home.

Ichigo glared at her as he rubbed his chin, letting her foot go. Rukia gathered herself up and hopped off the couch. She made the mistake of turning her back on him. It occurred to Ichigo, as Rukia squeaked in genuine surprise, that he was much faster as a shinigami, that this was probably an unfair advantage. Oh well, mission accomplished; he had her in a headlock.

"Oh no you don't! If you mess up my hair I will kill you!" Rukia huffed, trying to break free.

"Turn about is fair play, Rukia!" Said Ichigo, grinning sadistically. He froze fist poised above Rukias head. Tamaki was standing in the doorway, a soft smile on his face, sparkles in his big blue eyes. Renji was standing behind him, eyebrows upraised.

Anyone could see he was about to give her a noogie right? They were just messing around – not like that! Playing! You know, being stupid? Right? That was obvious! Ichigo realized that Rukia was rather close… and he did have his arm around her… and she wasn't exactly in a headlock… kinda just had his arm around her shoulders and, now that he thought about it, she could have broken out of that fairly easily…

Sputtering something unintelligible, Ichigo let the diminutive shinigami go and leapt back onto the couch, poised to flee at a moments notice. Less than a moment – he could be on the other side of the school in a blink of an eye if he needed to.

"Oh, hi Renji! Welcome back! Did you need something Tamaki-san?" Rukia choked out, her voice oddly high pitched. She started gathering up her sketchbook and markers. Ichigo absently tossed her the one she'd thrown at him, she caught it without looking.

"Hunny-senpai was looking for you." Tamaki said. "And as you can see, Renji-sama has returned."

Her art supplies gathered, she swept her hair back then straightened her dress, suddenly the cool, professional shinigami (albeit in a ridiculous get up). "Ah, yes, thank you." Then she marched out the door. Tamaki giggled and bounced after her.

"So… what's up?" Ichigo asked, still poised to flee if need be.

"We have permission to remain and deal with the earth bound spirits. Soul Society detected a disturbance somewhere beneath the school, so far they don't know what it is so we're to investigate." Renji crossed his arms over his chest and grinned. "What was that just now?"

"Nothing!" Ichigo said far too quickly – even though it really was nothing.

"Kinda hard to get Rukia riled up like that." He said offhandedly, leaning nonchalantly against the door frame, looking at him kind of sideways.

Ichigo blinked, was about to say that it actually wasn't too hard to get Rukia riled up (and Renji should know that anyhow), but then he thought about what exactly Renji was saying. Before Ichigos brain could explode, Renji pushed off the door frame and hefted a gigai, dragging it into the staging room for later, apparently.

"C'mon, lets go check it out."

"Uh, yeah." Ichigo hopped off the couch and retrieved his iPod and headphones from where they'd fallen, relieved to discover that the temperamental device was unharmed.

"It was sweet when you tossed her the marker." Renji smirked.

"Quit trying to weird me out!" Ichigo barked, lunging at the other shinigami. Renji laughed and bolted out the door. Ichigo was hot on his heels but slowed to a trot as he passed through the main portion of the third music room, it was hard not to watch, kind of like a car accident. He'd gotten used to the twins 'brotherly love' routine, and he already had a built in ignore instinct for Tamaki; Hunny-senpai was, well Hunny-senpai – and he actually liked Mori. He couldn't quite figure out Haruhi's angle but the girls seemed to be having fun, which was what mattered… but there was something just flat weird about seeing Kon leaning broodily against a window frame with six girls lurking nearby with barely contained squeals.

"Ku – Kurosaki-kun? Would you like to come have some tea with us?" A brave girl asked.

"No thanks." Kon grunted, never taking his eyes off of whatever it was he was pretending to stare moodily at. The girls stared wide eyed at him then finally did squeal.

Ichigo shook his head slowly. He knew it was killing Kon to ignore them but, damn that was weird! He shuttered and opened the doors, meeting Renji on the other side. They made their way down to the basement and started poking around; Renji had brought one of his gadgets to aid in their search.

"So what kind of disturbance was this supposed to be?" Ichigo asked, poking his head into a storage closet.

"Dunno. They couldn't tell exactly what it was but it might be what's stirring up all of these earth bound spirits – maybe even attracting them here from elsewhere. There haven't been that many deaths on school grounds." Renji replied from the other side of the hall. "And I'm not picking anything up with this thing."

"Maybe the batteries are dead." Ichigo moved further up the hall, trying to remember what it was they used to detect stuff in those Ghost Busters movies.

"Nah, checked em before we got down here." Renji grunted, pausing to inspect a drain pipe. "Now here's something…"

"What?" Ichigo joined him, running a critical eye over the pipe. It was old, probably some of the original plumbing. He hoped this didn't take them into the sewers – he hated going down into the sewers. Hollows smelled bad enough as it was, but a hollow in the sewers? No way was he doing that again.

"This pipe is channeling reiatsu. It's not that strong right now, just a trickle." Renji leaned in close, fiddling with the dial on the side of the futuristic glasses he wore.

Ichigo cocked his head to the side then closed his eyes, focused on the pipe. "I don't – wait… wait there it is." He frowned and opened his eyes. "Is it just me or is it flowing backwards?"

"It's going up." Renji nodded.

They stared at the pipe for a minute. "So… do we follow it to the source or see where it's going?"

Renji shifted his weight then looked down, readjusted the dial on the visor. "This is as far as we go unless we want to phase into bedrock."

Ichigo made a face. He'd never walked through walls before although he knew Shinigami could with the aid of a Hell Butterfly. He didn't really have any desire to. "I guess we see where it's going then."

"Yeah. Strange…"

"What?"

"The reiatsu's coming from beneath us but there's nothing down there that could be letting it off."

"Hmph."

Leaving a marker on the pipe in question, they made their way back upstairs, keeping to maintenance access-ways and side routes to follow the pipes progress. It was fairly straightforward, they found themselves in an unused chemistry lab less than ten minutes later. After a short search, they located the pipe beneath a sink but were surprised to discover that it had been capped; it was still there, but it wasn't in use, was jutting up out of the floor next to a set of modern looking plumbing which connected to the sink.

Ichigo backed out of the space beneath the sink as Renji fiddled with his glasses, trying to get a clearer read on the reiatsu. He ran a hand back through his orange hair and let out a slow breath, staring around the shadowy lab. The place was clean, looked like people were in here fairly often although there was little evidence of what they were doing.

"I think this is the remnants of something." Renji said from the cubbard.

Ichigo nodded absently.

"Like, power was being drawn up through here but isn't right now. This reiatsu is just stuck in the vacuum."

"Reiatsu can do that?" Ichigo quirked a brow and half turned as Renji popped up and closed the cabinet doors.

"Yeah. It behaves kind of like a gas under the right circumstances." He shrugged and lifted the visor up to rest on his forehead. He plugged a cable into a jack in the glasses then connected his phone to the other end. "I'm gonna send these readings to Soul Society, see what they make of it."

They were ten steps down the hallway, heading back to the third music room when Ichigo realized where they were.

"You know, it's a long shot, but the black magic club meets in there." He jerked a thumb over his shoulder and smirked.

Renji snorted a laugh. "Yeah, that's gotta be it."

Ichigo grinned. "They're pretty scary, they give Souh nightmares and everything."

"I suspect that's not particularly hard."

A/N: If you can spot the Freakazoid reference you get a gold star :D