What Love Is
By Semerket
Chapter 15: Uninvited Guests
Ivy had managed to keep Harley suitably distracted and away from the news for several weeks, but it was getting harder to keep the evil clown under wraps, especially when he had just set off a bomb at a crowded shopping center. Of course, Batman had already intercepted and evacuated everyone before it detonated, but the city was still shook up by the event and that meant that cable news wasn't going to shut up about it anytime soon.
Thankfully, Harley's interest in television was typically centered on the Cartoon Network and ESPN. So it made it a little easier for Ivy to keep that information from her, but she was just delaying the inevitable. Ivy was hoping the Rodent would send him back to Arkham before Harley had to find out that he was ever out.
It was getting late, and Ivy was making her usual rounds to check on her plants before retiring for the night. Harley was vegging on the couch and had nodded off by the time Ivy had made her way back into the living room. Sprout had curled up on the armrest and was snoozing as well. The redhead smiled and dimmed the lights. She considered waking her up, but thought better of it as she was already sound asleep. She was just about to head upstairs when she heard a noise coming from outside.
The redhead was immediately on high alert. Someone had found them! She crept over to Harley and shook her. "Harley!" She said in a harsh whisper.
The blond gazed up at her through bleary eyes. "Monkeys?"
"No. I think the Rodent found us!"
Harley's sleep muddled brain seemed to understand that bit and she sat bolt upright and tossed off her red throw. "Whatwassat?"
"The Rodent. Outside." Ivy's eyes glowed green as she communed with her plants. They would tell her where the intruder was.
Harley jogged off down the hall and came back with a large wooden mallet. Whatever it was it was going to get hit.
"It's inside." Ivy whispered as she turned towards the kitchen area where she heard a sound.
"What? How?"
"Ssh." Ivy expected her babies to take care of it.
Ivy smiled as she heard a surprised yelp. Her vines yanked the offender out of the kitchen and hoisted him up in the air. Well, her, actually.
"Is this any way to treat an old friend?" Catwoman purred. She was remarkably unfazed considering that Ivy could easily constrict her to death with a wave of her green hand.
"Kitty?" Harley relaxed and put the mallet down.
Ivy crossed her arms. "What the hell do you want?"
"Charming as usual." Selina chuckled. "Why don't you put me down and we can converse like civilized folk."
The redhead rolled her eyes and relaxed the vine's grip. Selina effortlessly flipped her body and landed right on her feet. No sooner than she'd landed, Harley barreled into her, hugging her enthusiastically. "How ya been, Kitty?"
"Not bad, Harl. Not bad." She reluctantly returned the gesture. Then she noticed something new. "Oh my, look at that..." Selina studied the odd plant-themed cat with extreme fascination. The small kitten stared up at the Cat lady and studied her with equal interest.
"Yea, that's Sprout. Red gave him to me for my birthday. He was real sick so she gave him the plant supah juice!"
"I see." Selina bent over to touch the cat. She smiled, "Pretty kitty…"
Ivy added, "I found traces of poison oak in his saliva."
"Poison kitty…" Selina's eyes widened a little and she retracted her hand as she straightened up.
Meow.
Ivy rolled her eyes. "I'll say it again. Why are you here?" Selina always had an ulterior motive.
The leather clad woman muttered irritably, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
Harley was standing halfway between both women. She was wearing a Pikachu sleep shirt and black gym shorts.
"Yea, so what brings ya out here?" Harley echoed her girlfriend, albeit more politely.
"Batman."
"What about him?" Harley continued.
"No, Batman brought me here. He's sitting outside in the Batmobile." Selina studied her claws nonchalantly. "And before your girlfriend flies off the handle, I want you both to know that he already knew where to find you. He just happened to drag me along to play messenger." She frowned at the last part.
"And what message do you bring?" Ivy spat as she began pacing agitatedly. She'd just known Selina's sudden appearance meant bad news.
"He needs to find the Joker and he's running short on time."
The blond's eyes widened. "Mistah J escaped?"
Selina raised an eyebrow, "He's been out for weeks. It's been all over the news." Her voice softened as she took in the blond's shocked expression, "You really didn't know?"
"No, I…" Harley turned to Red, she was clearly confused. She caught the guilty look on Ivy's face. A candle flickered to life in Harley's brain. Ivy had always been a news junkie, 'criminal necessity' and all that. Her confusion morphed into annoyance. "Red, did you know about this?"
Ivy cleared her throat and studied her fingernails. "Well, he was bound to escape at some point. I mean he's 'the Joker,' right?"
The blond was furious. "What if he came after us? I needed to be prepared! What? You didn't think I could handle it? Didja think I'm too stupid or somethin'?" Ivy shrugged and remained silent. "Say something!" Harley shouted.
"What do you want me to say? That I don't trust you as much as I'd like?" Ivy turned up the volume on her bitch tone. "Well, I don't trust you. For all I knew you'd just go running back to him like old times!"
"What if he did something really bad?"
"He did." Selina added.
"See!" Harley gestured to Catwoman, who was now looking decidedly uncomfortable in the face of listening to their spat. She studied her whip as she pretended not to hear. She was relieved that she had refused Bruce's offer of a listening device; otherwise, the caped crusader would be getting an earful right about now.
Ivy scoffed, "Since when do you care whether or not he does something bad? He's the Joker, you airhead; he's always doing bad things. You always thought it was hilarious and brilliant before!"
"Airhead!?" Harley crossed her arms, "Is that how you wanna play it, Red?" Ivy crossed her arms too. Then Harley said in a soft, defeated tone. "Fine, I might be stupid, but you're a liar. And a meanie…" She stuck her tongue out and sat on the couch.
Ivy went through a mental checklist about how to fix this. She didn't have any more Oreos so that meant a verbal apology was in order.
"Harley, I didn't mean it."
"Yea, you did."
"No, I didn't."
"Yea, you did!"
"I told you I didn't."
"Yea, you did."
Ivy felt herself lose it at Harley's parroting, "NO, I DIDN'T!" She nearly shrieked.
The blond had the decency to be affronted, "Can ya believe the way she talks ta me?!" She directed her question to Selina who was fidgeting uncomfortably and hoping to vanish into the wall.
She chuckled and replied, "Harley, Pamela talks to everyone that way. It's just her preferred method of communication. Isn't that right, Pam?"
Ivy's green eyes narrowed at the leather clad smartass before refocusing on the blond. "As opposed to what, Harley? The way Puddin' used to talk to you? Or the way he used to beat you? Oh, please." She rolled her eyes and went to stand against the wall on the opposite side of the room as she stewed over the ridiculousness of their argument. Didn't Harley realize that this was supposed to be a prelude to great make-up sex? Airhead.
There was an awkward silence.
"So what exactly does the rodent want?" Ivy snapped. "He must want it bad if he's willing to use you as a representative." She looked the woman up and down with disdain.
"Harley's cooperation."
The blond blinked. She had been certain that whatever it was, it had to be more about Red than herself. Red was usually a higher priority on the 'most wanted' lists.
"And what if I don't wanna help B-Man?" Harley crossed her arms defiantly and replied with the petulance of a ten year old.
"Then I suspect he'll arrest you."
"And if I do help?"
Catwoman paused and said with annoyance, "Honestly, he didn't give me the details on that part." Batman had given her a whole script worth of bull to feed them, but she had already agreed to play along. That didn't mean she was going to lie too. They were her friends… on occasion. That, and Selina had a serious problem with authority.
"Some messenger you turned out to be." Ivy griped.
"I'm really just here to keep you from trying to kill him."
"Using you as a shield? I'd have to say that's probably one of his better ideas." Ivy grumped and crossed her arms. Selina just sighed and continued to lean against the wall on the other side of the room as Ivy glared daggers at her. Then it occurred to the redhead. Selina was just a distraction so that she wouldn't notice him with her plants.
"Jeezus jumpin' Jehoshaphats!" Ivy directed her attention to Harley's startled exclamation. Standing at the entrance to her green house was Batman.
"Ah. If it isn't the Rodent, himself." Ivy spat angrily. How dare he enter her sanctum! "I thought you were going to hide behind Catwoman all night."
"We need Harley's help to find the Joker." He said seriously, getting right down to business. He wasn't in the mood for one of those 'ah, we meet again' villainous spiels that he was sure Pamela had already rehearsed in front of her bathroom mirror for just such an occasion.
Harley felt her hackles rise too. She'd lost count of the number of times Batman had sent her to Arkham. "I don't wanna help ya find him. You can do it ya self!" She stuck her tongue out at him and crossed her arms peevishly.
"Quinn, listen. Joker is threatening to set off a nuclear device."
"Ha!" She squawked, "Yea right, B-Man. You must think we're pretty stupid to fall for that one. There's no way Mistah J could have a nuke! He'd have to break into a top secret government facility, overwhelm the military with laughing gas or somethin' equally brilliant, and then have the gang haul that stuff away with time to spare before law enforcement found out!" She laughed incredulously.
Batman stood still and unflinching, "That's exactly what he did, Quinn."
"What!" She blanched. "What the hell is wrong with security these days?"
Ivy didn't like the direction this conversation was going. She could practically feel the blond's defiance and resolve slipping. If Joker wanted to blow up a bunch of meat sacks, it was hardly the concern of Nature's Chosen Protector. Even though she despised the clown for her own reasons, in that moment she wanted to give him a medal. If he destroyed Gotham then she wouldn't have too. It would save her a lot of trouble, and she could always create plants that were resistant to the radiation.
"I don't see what I'm supposed to do about it. I ain't a cop in case ya haven't noticed!" Harley spat.
"We can do this the easy way or the hard way, Quinn."
"I want a deal!" She yelled.
Batman cut her off before she could continue down that line of thought. "I won't give you a deal, but you do get an ultimatum: You help or you go to Arkham. Your choice."
Harley giggled, "And I take it you're going to make us, B-Man?"
"Yes."
Last time Harley checked, Batman was looking outnumbered, though she had to admit that Selina was the outlier in this situation. "You and what army?"
"This one." He said something into a communicator and the house was flooded with bright lights and the familiar flashing of red and blue.
*BWEEP bip bip BWEEP*
Ivy glanced out the curtain nervously. "Damn it. You brought the entire Gotham Police Department with you?" She directed the accusation at Selina. This was low, even for someone that played both sides. "Are you going to arrest the Cat too or she exempt because she's your favorite?" She snapped at Batman. The justice system was so broken.
Batman's cool answer was, "She already has an arrangement with Gordon."
"Of course, you do." Ivy sneered at the raven-haired woman who had the decency to seem embarrassed. This is why she never liked Selina- why she could never trust her. Selina always looked out for number one and unlike herself and the other rogues she never had a serious conviction outside of stealing pretty objects, and they all did that from time to time. It was hardly impressive in Ivy's opinion. And never mind that Selina did it for sport, not because she actually needed the money.
When Ivy robbed banks it was to fund her crusade to save the planet, not because she had didn't have anything better to do. As far as Ivy was concerned, if it wasn't worth killing for then it wasn't worth doing. That was the separation between the two of them. To her, Catwoman was just a petty thief and Ivy saw herself as a woman with purpose. Although her doctors described her as being a deranged sociopath with delusions of grandeur, but it was Arkham; what the hell did they know about mental illness? It was common for them to mistake dedication for insanity. Fools.
Harley was visibly startled by the amount of police presence. "So if ya got all those cops then why dontcha just arrest us? What's in it for us if we help ya?"
"A judge might agree to commute your sentence."
They all started at the sudden bark of laughter that roared out of Ivy. "Commute my sentence!" She was laughing so hard that she was beginning to wheeze, "Commute my sentence? Oh, tell me, Batman! Will they reduce my twenty three consecutive life sentences down to a mere fifteen consecutive life sentences?!" She paused as more laughter erupted from her, "Don't you know I can just leave Arkham when I feel like it? Even you understand that by now." She felt a twinge of satisfaction as she could detect the beginnings of a scowl on his perpetually dour face. She laughed louder. Harley relaxed and laughed too. Their recent prison break had been a huge embarrassment to the city and the fact that she had spearheaded it made her beam with a sense of pride and accomplishment. She knew the Rodent was still smarting over it. After all, he was the only person that had any hope of arresting them all- yet again.
"Yea, you can take your ultimatum and shove it up your ass, B-Man!" Harley snapped.
"Actually, Pamela," He knew she hated it when he called her by her real name, "This option isn't being offered to you anyway. Harley is the one that I'm here to deal with. You're just collateral. The police aren't here for her. They're here for you."
Harley's eyes bulged in surprise at his candidness. Selina glowered at the caped crusader. Her expression screamed, 'What the hell are you thinking, Bruce?' There was only one way this was going to end now. She knew she should have just told him 'no' and jumped off that building, but then he started going on about hostages and thousands of innocent lives... Argh! It was hard being the only rogue in Gotham with a conscience.
Batman experienced a few moments of satisfaction as he watched the green woman shake with fury. The satisfaction was short lived as he soon found himself bound in Ivy's vines and hanging upside down. Glancing to the side he noticed that Selina was in the same position several feet away. She glared at him and said smartly. "Diplomacy fail, Batman."
Considering Pamela's temper that had been a poor choice of words to say the least and he knew that it wasn't because he told her she would be arrested. Ivy wouldn't care about that. Oh no, he told a narcissist that she was just collateral. That's where she was smarting.
"Arrest me?" Ivy was laughing again, but now it was that sick, crazed kind of laugh that all the rogues had to some degree. It was somewhere along the line of being evil and insane. "How about I give you an ultimatum: get rid of the police and I might consider giving you a quick death." She spat. Who did these people think they were? Coming into her home and telling her what she was going to do… she'd kill them all.
Batman replied calmly, though there was a hint of discomfort in his voice as the vines squeezed him in awkward places. "Let Selina go. This isn't about her."
Batman heard Selina mutter under her breath, "Oh, here we go."
Ivy paced back and forth agitatedly, "No, this is about me. This is about you violating my sanctum! This is about-"
"Oh, for the love of God, Ivy. Why don't you just save the speeches and let's get this over with!" Catwoman snapped in exasperation. Selina wanted to strangle Bruce. She'd warned him about this approach, but he thought he could use intimidation on them. She'd tried to explain that you can't intimidate crazy. If they had offered them a genuine deal this might not have escalated. Harley and Ivy were not like many of the others- they would have been more open to negotiations. Typical Bruce, he asked her for advice and then ignored it. This was all Bruce's fault and if they both lived through this she was so withholding!
"Ivy, let Selina go. We can talk about your deal as soon as you release her." Batman said.
"And let my hostage leave the premises? I don't think so, Ratman. I might be insane, but I'm not stupid. She's more useful to me than you. Besides, you shouldn't worry about her too much. After all Selina is," Her bright green eyes narrowed, "just collateral." Yep, she was still smarting.
"This is about me." Batman tried to reason with the green harridan.
"Beeeeeeep! Wrong!" Harley laughed as she picked up her mallet and let it rest casually on her left shoulder like a lumber jack with an ax. "This is actually about me!" She said chummily as she gestured to herself in a cartoonish fashion. "This is about me, and you not being able to take 'no' for an answer."
Batman didn't like the jubilant gleam in her blue eyes. Harley reached up, and grabbing his shoulder she spun him around as he dangled pathetically. "Whatsamatter B-Man? You don't like piñatas?"
He threatened impotently as he swung to and fro, "You swing that mallet and the deal is off, Quinn."
"Beeeeep! Wrong again, Bat-Brain!" Harley chirped, "You said there wasn't a deal, you said there was only an," She crossed her eyes and imitated his serious voice, "ultimatum."
She tilted her head and batted her eyes at him playfully as she seemed to bob up and down slightly. Harley Quinn was bouncy, to say the least.
"If he isn't stopped then thousands of innocent people are going to die." The Dark Knight was beginning to sound frustrated. These people. This would have been so much easier if Ivy wasn't present. Not only could he have avoided an altercation with the plant hybrid, but he probably could have talked Harley into cooperating in exchange for an X-box and a window at Arkham.
Ivy crossed her arms and ranted irrationally, "Innocent people? There's nothing innocent about the burning of fossil fuels or the destruction of the natural world…the trimming of the grass…"
Harley appeared to be considering his words, "And I toldja I don't wanna help, but since you don't wanna take no for an answer we gotta do this the hard way." She also really wanted to hit him with her giant mallet.
Selina spoke up, interrupting Harley's swing, "Did it occur to you that an explosion that big could kill you both?"
Both women quickly blurted, "Nope!" simultaneously. "Red lives out in the middle of nowhere, Kitty. We all know Joker wants as many people as possible."
"Harley, I know that you're a good person…" Selina said.
"Ha!" She circled around the Dark Knight searching for a good place to take a first swing at.
"And you wouldn't approve of killing children," She continued.
Harley's eyes narrowed at her. Why did she have to bring up the children? It always came down to the children. She said it with less conviction than before, "Yea, well it ain't my job."
"Harley, if Gotham is destroyed and everybody dies, then you still have to deal with the Joker on your own." Selina added.
"We can handle him." Ivy snapped.
Selina rolled her eyes, "Can you handle a nuke, Pamela?"
"I can handle you."
Ignoring the vine vixen, Selina continued to address Harley, "It's only a matter of time before he comes for you, Harley."
The blond looked sad for a moment. She was right about that. It was a wonder that he hadn't come for them first. He must not know where they are, otherwise Red would be in serious danger.
"Yea, well if you guys want me to do anything then B-Man needs to understand some things first!"
He was loath to give in, but time was of the essence and it would be easier than listening to Ivy's plant-themed ravings for the next few hours. "I'm listening."
"First, you ain't gonna arrest us. And second, any deal I get, Ivy gets too or you can go screw ya self!"
"Even if I made a deal with you, that doesn't mean that Gordon would agree to it."
Ivy scoffed, "Oh please. We all know who the real authority is in these matters." As if the police commissioner's opinion mattered at all. Did he think she was a complete fool?
"Well, you better come up with somethin' real quick or I'm gonna start swingin'!" Harley was waving her mallet menacingly, but considering her Pokémon pajamas and pigtails, she was far from frightening. He might have described her as 'cute' if she wasn't so imbalanced.
Selina spoke up, "Why don't you tell Batman what it is that you would want?"
"I want you both to die." Ivy stated candidly.
Selina nodded at the redhead, "Thanks for your input, Pam. But the question is directed to Harley, what would you want if you could have a deal?"
"Well!" She relaxed her stance for a moment as she considered her options, "I would want some…" She looked thoughtful, "I just want some jelly donuts!"
Ivy blanched and quickly cut in, "She wants both of our arrest warrants removed and our criminal records expunged!"
Harley snapped at the redhead, "Why you gotta always talk over me, huh?" The hybrid stalked over to her and said low enough so that their unwanted guests couldn't hear.
"Because you are about to blow a prime opportunity with your childish antics! That's why!"
The blond crossed her arms and said with less enthusiasm, "Yea, exactly what she said and a box of jelly donuts."
"Gordon will never agree and neither will I." Batman said seriously.
"Of course not," Ivy said pleasantly. "But this is merely a starting point for our negotiations."
"He would probably agree to the donuts." Batman added for the blond's benefit.
"We don't care about the donuts!" Ivy hissed. "Harley was being facetious."
"No, I wasn't." She muttered to herself in annoyance.
"Oh, and another thing." Ivy continued, "In case the police suddenly become inspired enough to do their jobs and storm this place, I will release a toxin that will kill you all. And I have acids that will burn through any attempt at a hazmat suit so it isn't worth the bother. Harley is immune. You are not."
"Gordon will never agree to expunge your records, but he might be convinced not to arrest you this time if you are helpful."
"Dump. The. Warrants. If it isn't on paper then it isn't any good." Paperwork was the lifeblood of bureaucracy.
"Unlikely. I can ask him, but you're not likely to get it."
She shrugged nonchalantly, "Then you're not likely to get Harley's assistance." Ivy said seductively as she sauntered over to Batman, "I mean you did say that thousands of lives are on the line, Batman. Is our freedom not a small price to pay to save thousands of lives and prevent millions in damage?" She ran a finger playfully along the side of his cowl. "I think expunging our records is also a small price to pay in exchange for all of that."
Harley just nodded in agreement, perfectly content to let Red do the negotiating. Red was so brilliant, she'd probably be able to get those donuts too…
Batman replied testily, "I can't talk to Gordon in this position."
Ivy arched an eyebrow. She allowed her vines to shift so that he could move one arm. "And don't tell me you don't have a communicator of some sort in that ridiculous mask. One arm should suffice."
Stretching his arm and bringing it down to his head, which was beginning to throb from hanging upside down, he mumbled into his communicator. "Yes. Of course, she wants a deal. No. Yes. She wants," He hesitated, "She wants both their arrest warrants dropped and their criminal records expunged." Batman rolled his eyes as he heard the guffaw of laughter from Gordon. "I know. I told her that already."
"And jelly donuts!" Harley grabbed the caped crusader and spun him around again.
Batman frowned as he slowly twirled, "And jelly donuts."
"Raspberry!" She blurted in his face.
"What?"
"The jelly!"
"She wants them to be raspberry jelly donuts." Batman sounded thoroughly annoyed. "Of course, Quinn is serious. Okay. We'll see." Batman blinked, he couldn't believe he was having this conversation. "Quinn, do you want them glazed or powdered?"
"Glazed!"
"Did you get that? Right." Apparently the GCPD knew their donuts.
"So what did the simpering commissioner have to say?" Ivy had a pretty good idea.
"Yes to the donuts."
"Yay!"
"And no to everything else."
"Boo!"
"What about the arrest warrants?" Ivy asked.
"He said no."
The redhead replied, "He said 'no' in conjunction with expunging our records."
"Same thing."
Her eyes flashed the vines' grip on Batman tightened. "Well, you better convince him to say 'yes', Dark Knight, because that is our minimum requirement."
Batman inquired through his earpiece again and then said to Ivy, "He'll ignore the warrant this one time, but he won't do away with it."
Harley crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. "I dunno, Red. That sounds kinda like a raw deal ta me…"
"I agree." Ivy's eyes glowed as a vine snaked down towards Selina's face. It moved in a serpentine fashion.
Selina eyed it uncomfortably, "Um… Pammy? Old, buddy, old pal…" The vine that had snaked down had thick thorns growing at the tip that were reminiscent of fangs. Catwoman cried out in surprise as it rapidly shot to the side and struck her on the neck, leaving a small, deep gash. It didn't appear to be a big deal, but it did begin bleeding profusely. She could feel the warmth of the red liquid as it dribbled down her neck to the base of her ear.
"Hey, I'm on your side!" Catwoman snapped in annoyance.
Ivy crossed her arms, "That has yet to be seen… I loathe doing this to you, Selina, but you understand that sometimes extreme circumstances call for extreme measures." She turned her attention to Batman, "I'm sure you know that as the blood rushes to her wound it will also rush to her head rapidly until it kills her. Time is of the essence, Rodent. Now make those arrest warrants vanish!"
"Harley, I'm your friend!" Selina tried to appeal to the blond.
Ivy barked angrily. "Friends don't play sidekick to friends' crime-fighting nemesis!"
Harley crossed her arms. She was torn. "Yea, Red has got a point there, Kitty. You say you're my friend, but you side with B-Man all the time."
"Honestly, Harley, it comes down to the situation. A nuke is bad for everyone. Even Oswald's panties are in a bunch over Joker's threats. It's a wonder the other rogues haven't sought you out just to preserve their own interests."
"You like him more than you like me." The blond pouted and pointed at the Dark Knight, who was looking downright furious as he spoke into his communicator.
Selina snapped, "And how many times did you screw me over because of the Joker!?" Harley was so infuriating!
"Touché." Ivy chuckled, she certainly knew what that felt like. "I told you it's nothing personal, Selina. You understand. I'm doing this for Harley's wellbeing."
"Of course, Ivy!" She said sarcastically, "You've always been such a generous soul."
"Yes, I have." Ivy answered seriously. "In all fairness, the only reason you're still alive is because Harley seems attached to you."
Selina laughed sarcastically, "Oh and I know you just hate that don't you? You can't handle her having any friends aside from you. You want her to be completely dependent on you so that you can control her. You may go on and on about how horrible the Joker is, but honestly, Pam, you two have a lot in common."
Selina cried out as the vines started to constrict her.
"I'm nothing like him. If I was like him you'd already be dead!" Ivy glowered.
"Ivy, Gordon is willing to consider tossing out your arrest warrants." Batman answered.
"Consider? Tell him to fucking do it!" She shrieked. "I'm not sure your cat will last long enough to wait for Gordon's brain to catch up with his body!"
Catwoman began coughing.
"Um… Red?" Harley was peeking out the curtain. "Red!"
"What is it?" Ivy growled.
"We gotta visitor." There was a knock on the door. "It's Gordon."
"Seriously? Grew a backbone, did he?" Ivy was surprised.
"Should I open the door?"
"Why not? We can handle him."
Harley opened the door and quickly shut it behind the graying commissioner.
"Egads!" He exclaimed when he saw Batman and Catwoman's predicament. The room was covered in plants save for the few pieces of furniture.
"Welcome to my sanctuary, Commissioner. Well it was a sanctuary… until you people showed up."
"Pamela Isley, I don't have time for this. That's the only reason we haven't stormed this building."
Ivy studied her nails nonchalantly, "And you know that I'd kill everyone who did."
"The Joker is threatening to set off a bomb that could take out a large portion of the city. Now I'm asking for Harley's help in locating him, but in order for you both to get your deal, you need to let your hostages go and Harley needs to give us useful intel. If she doesn't lead us to the Joker then any deal we have is off. Now I'm willing to do away with the arrest warrants, but if you so much as sneeze funny then you will find yourself back in Arkham. Do you understand?"
"Yes, we understand."
"So do we agree?"
"I want donuts."
"Yes, yes, we'll even throw in your donuts."
Harley and Ivy glanced at each other thoughtfully until Ivy replied. "We will accept your offer." It was what they wanted all along.
Harley extended her hand and he shook it. Ivy extended her green hand and smiled sinisterly. He hesitated. "Oh, you don't think I'd kill you right when I've got what I wanted do you?"
He frowned and shook the terrorist's hand. It was a sad day in law enforcement.
"Let us down now." Batman snapped. Catwoman was looking unresponsive.
Ivy smiled cordially and released them both like a sack of potatoes.
The Bat landed solidly on his feet and miraculously, Catwoman landed on her feet as well, though she wasn't quite as graceful as before. Selina's head was spinning. After getting her bearings for a moment she stalked over to Ivy and stared her right in the face.
Ivy crossed her arms and made a kissy sound at her, it was the same sound she made to her own cat. Catwoman slapped her soundly with her clawed hand before she stalked out of the house. Ivy's hand went to her face where she felt a trickle of her toxic green blood. She felt rage well up inside her, but considering she'd gotten her way she decided to just laugh instead. Her eyes glowed green as the cuts on her face closed up. In a few minutes one would never guess she'd ever been struck. Cosmetic injuries were easily repaired.