Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of Shogakukan's merchandise, neither do I lay claim to any of Rumiko Takahashi's masterpieces, I am much too inadequate to be so ingenious.
Author's Note: I ask forgiveness for the lateness of this installment, its just been that I have been rather busy in life, I have more things to do than sit at home on my laptop and write fanfiction all day. I have actually been wasting time writing short stories and novels instead. I have decided to pursue a writing career, well, I have always wanted to pursue that field, but I have been dedicating more time to that endeavor, since my recent high school graduation I have been trying to be vigilant in entering contests for short stories, getting my name out there, etc, etc. and of course, as my age renders me to do, I have been dedicating time to my social life as well, because, well, I'm not a loser. But I do get bored, and this chapter is the product of such boredom, two years in the making. So much has changed in my life since the last chapter. But anyway, for those of you who have been reading this story, I will try to finish it quicker. I abhor leaving good ideas to waste.
Chapter Nine: Mind and Body
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Sometimes, I can be an insomniac at night and wake up from a deep sleep for no reason, just 'cause my body can. Its weird. My mind can wish and ache for sleep all it wants, but my body and its functions just decide whether or not I do drift off into a dream land. And at the same time I guess it can be kinda funny, still. Just thinking about it. It may look like a person's mind has control over everything, but the body is really the one who has control. The body is something like a man's first born son. You can spend your entire life sacrificing for it, working for it and pamperin' it to be in its best form, but it does just what it wants in the end. No matter how hard you try to steer it in a certain direction, it goes where it wants. A person's mind can try and make their body not to send blood to its face, as I'm sure Nii-san has tried on many occasions, but if the body is wants to blush, it blushes. I can send a whole bunch of messages from my mind to my body not to bleed when I get cut, but that won't stop the red stuff from pouring out. No matter how dedicated my mind will be to my body, my body will always betray it. The body is a traitor.
That's what I thought so painstakingly about as I lay on the ratty old futon the old man had pulled out for me in the darkness permeated by Sango and Oka-san's soft, even breathing. I wondered why I didn't hear that Sayuri girl's breathing, and she might have been awake too, but as much as I tried to see her in the dark, I couldn't so I resigned to lying there with my thoughts.
I've stopped to take a look at myself naked before. And I didn't have a nice reaction toward it either. Sure, covered and constrained, the body looks normal and regular, but my body without clothes on looks strange, I guess. Just bare flesh everywhere, and the hair. Ugh, the hair. Every time I bathe, there are moments when I look in the reflection of the water at myself and I keep getting the same feeling in the pit of my stomach that the body my head is screwed onto isn't right. First and foremost, the breasts. The things hanging from my chest. I've seen other women's breasts, Sango's and my Oka-san's while bathing, even though it was extremely awkward and I didn't want to, and compared to theirs, they're normal, I guess, if not a little on the busty side. And they're damn annoying! Always having to bind them up to keep em from flopping around in battle! Then, the butt. My butt. I guess its okay. It doesn't sag, like the old hags in the bathhouses. I train a lot, I'm always active, so its pretty strong and…tight, you could say. I've heard dirty, old samurai snickering to their friends on late nights while they guarded their lord's domain about how they love women's rears, especially if they're…tight. Its weird to mention it, to mention those pervs, but I guess they gotta represent some male perspective and if you think about it, a woman with a sagging bottom doesn't even sound attractive and certainly doesn't look attractive, even to me. And then…um, hmph. I can't even say it in my own head! The…flower. My flower. I've examined it…one can say. But not extensively. Who would want to in the first place? It doesn't interest me in the least. In fact, I rarely pay it any mind. But thinking of it…it is a very simple body part. I know urine goes out as well as blood; our curse, but…I'm dense on the other uses a woman's flower has. I guess mine is standard; I haven't seen anyone else's thank the gods. Sometimes while I'm bathing, and only then, have I looked at it, from curiosity y'know. Oka-san says it is the most sacred part of a woman. It sure doesn't look sacred to me. It does feel sacred though. After all, it is an opening that I find personal and I sure as hell wouldn't let just anyone take a peek at it. Somehow, I feel like it's a part of me, and it isn't. Same way I feel about my body. It's me, and it isn't me. Like, for instance, I'm known by my face, by the body I walk in and use in everyday life, and its called Kikyou. But, if I were to somehow lose my body, in some supernatural bullshit, I would still be Kikyou. I would still be me. So this thing is a simple necessity. Like food and water. But it isn't me, me, right? My soul is me, so why should I even associate with this body anymore than I need to?
So I ended my own thoughts with the best conclusion I could think of. I reasoned with myself and found a good point that, if anybody decided to question me about it, I have a swift answer ready that makes perfect sense. Nii-san isn't the only one who can think of profound things. I can be compelling and all when I want to be, only I don't flaunt it like he does. Especially around those fillies in the village. How can he be so…so…perverted? He knows exactly what he's doing. Men know when they're luring in a woman, they know when they're looking that they're doing what they can do to get what they want. He's like all men. Into helpless little fillies with no brains. Now, I'm not sayin that I'm some sort of woman who hates men…I think. Well, I haven't really ever done anything with a man before, really. I haven't had a man look at me that way…like he was attracted to me. With all the baggy clothing they don't really have much to look at and besides, being surrounded by three overprotective men and a Shippou that have known me since I was a baby makes for a girl that can hardly even dream about making eye contact with another guy without being hounded. My Oto-san, Miroku who's basically an Oji to me, and Nii-san, who's well, my onii-san and watches over me like a freakin hawk. Shippou, well, he'll just be Shippou. But he kinda watches over me too.
I rolled over on my side in the dark and huffed to myself in my own anger. Sango moved in her light sleep because every little sound can wake her up. She's used to it.
Why should I be watched every single moment of my life? I should be able to do whatever the hell I want, when I want to and no one should stop me from doin it! Who says they control me and my actions? I control me. I do what I please! And come to think of it, I've only just realized this going on, how every waking moment of my life until now's been watched by the eyes of my family and friends. I should be allowed my own time, not have to be watched over like some precious jewel or somethin. Every waking moment of my life, actually, I've been surrounded by these people! When I wake up in the morning, and when I sleep every night. Even now they're suffocatin me, breathing my air, disturbing my sleep with their whispery breathing…well, that's gonna change. I still can't believe I let it carry on for so long. But tomorrow will be the day of my independence, the day I finally break free from this prison, this goddamn cage.
I looked over to Oka-san and saw her face in the moonlight shining through the open shutters of the wooden window to the room. I bet she thought she could hold me… She slept on, not even knowing about my anger. Well. We'll just see about that then. Because nobody can hold me, and sooner or later, the caged bird wants for the clouds so much that even it will break free when it gets fed the hell up with just sitting there eating seeds.
The sunlight lit up the edges of my eyebrows in my ever so beautiful frown, the one that's been there since the night before. I hardly got any sleep and I was hella pissed off at that too, but I couldn't sleep because all I thought about was how long I've been like this. When I got up mostly everyone was still asleep, and I this was my chance. I shouldn't have to explain anyway, where I'm going! Why should they have to know? So I decided to go off to the lake the old guy had been talking about last night to take a quick bath, then go on about my own business and figure out the things I wanted to do in my freedom for the day. I had only taken maybe two steps towards the door when Oka-san spoke out to me from her dreams. Damn it all, how even in her sleep she knew when I was coming and going!
"Kikyou-chan….where are you going…?"
"Out!" I said low, in case I woke up Sango too.
She yawned and turned over. "Ok…but have your father do that first, he knows where the okonomiyaki is…"
She was speaking gibberish and I felt like screaming from her wasting my time keeping me there to listen to stupidity! But then again, I could have left instead of standing there like an idiot. Her eyes weren't even open! Well, not only had she been keepin me from the outside world all this time without me even knowing about it, but she also made me look like a fool just after daybreak. And I bet she just loved it too.
I glared at Oka-san one last time before leaving 'less anyone else stop me. The sun hit me so hard that I had to squint to keep from being blind. Some people were out, doing the morning chores and whatnot, two old ladies dusting off some mats, a few women feeding some chickens, men gettin' some fishing supplies and talking about crap-who the hell cares anyway. I sniffed and caught the scent of the lake, and all I really felt like doing right then and there was taking a bath. Some of the stupid villagers had their eyes on me.
I turned around and did a gesture that spun my hands over to show my palms. "What the hell do ya want? You people are starin at me like I got something of yours! Do I got something of yours? Am I wearin your kimono?"
They glared at me and went right back to whatever the hell it was they were doing. I rolled my eyes and went on my way to the damn lake.
That's one fucking thing I can't understand. The goddam staring. I mean, am I that big of a spectacle that people just can't take their eyes off of me? I'm used to it. Ever since I first went out under the eyes of those morons all I heard was whispers and all I saw were stares. And the worst part is, I was a kid and I didn't even know any better, but they still treated me like an outsider, even the damn old people my Oto-san protected everyday from the demons rejected me from the start, kept their children away, afraid they would catch my "youkai blood". It doesn't matter if they give the lies that we're all trying to live in harmony and peace. Deep inside, they're all the same.
It was cold; freezing mostly. The soil underneath my bare feet was hard with the morning frost even though the sun and the woods were getting closer with its musky smell. I admit…maybe, well, it hurt a little back then. I felt like I didn't belong and no one understood because I'm the only one that I know of and I was always different. Sometimes, when I was little, I used to wish I was human, like my Oka-san. And then other times, I wished I was a full youkai, so I wouldn't be weak. That was after Maburoshi came and messed everything up and changed our lives. My human blood hinders me, I'm not as strong as full youkai. Now I know how Oto-san feels about Oji-san Sesshomaru. Its so fucked up, because even though Nii-san was there for me before, while we were kids, he never really understood. He wasn't the one who had to deal with being an outsider…he was normal. He still is. Human.
But he's still weak. And my youkai blood makes me stronger, so I know I'll survive longer, fight harder. I've never had any friends except for him. I mean, how could I get close to any of these people when all they do is judge? And that's all I've seen in my life. Humans and youkai that judge.
I looked at the water at my feet, and the sun shining through the surface revealing the bottom with its bed of grey and white pebbles, and saw my reflection staring back at me. What I noticed right away were the aurburn eyes with flecks of bright gold deep in the surface, surrounding my pupil in the middle. Then the long bangs almost covering those eyes, and I blew them away- something I've been doing since I woke up one day and they were fighting with my eyelashes -but they still settled in the same spot. A lock of my pitch black hair stayed on my shoulder while the rest of it rested on my back, and my face glared at me. No women dressed the way I did, mostly because men usually wore the baggy haori that covered my upper body. The hakama I wore is part of a miko's uniform though, but they still hid the shapes of my hips and thighs. I'm not much to look at or ogle. Men pass by me and don't even look. I never expect to get noticed anyway, so it doesn't really bother me. Besides, things like that are childish! Vanity and self-consciousness are for poor little girls who have no purpose or destiny in life other than to get married and have children and do their husbands' dirty laundry. I swear that'll never happen to me. I just couldn't be treated like a servant to some man I'm way stronger than or wait hand and foot on another human being. And I could never fall in love. Gods…just the thought of it. Getting crazy and sighing over just a man. All of it's just sappy nonsense! What's the point of doing all that, sacrificing so much over one person in the world?
Its not like anyone would fall in love with me anyway. I don't make much of an impression from first glance, or look attractive. I don't try to either. Why should I even bother to do all that in order to find out what I already know? I'm a moster to humans and I don't even think about demons. So men wouldn't even dream of touching me in the first place.
My hands rise up to my haori and the fingertips grip the folds of the fabric. I watch myself slide it away from my chest so that I can see the bandages covering me. Pulling my arms out of the sleeves, I toss it to the side and reach between my breasts for the end of the strip and pull it out to unwind it from the top, more and more of my chest showing. The bare flesh of my cleavage is first, then the rest of it falls away as I move quick to show myself to my own eyes. It feels good to get rid of it, and I close my eyes to take a breath while the cold air hits my skin, then I look at my reflection in the water. My nipples sat in the dead center of my breasts, which gave them the look of a pair of swollen eyes. They rose from the cold. I never knew what the big deal of having nipples was, other than feeding children, or having breasts at all.
My hands reached down this time to undo the tie holding my hakama up, then from years of practice I pulled at a loose end and it was like a red curtain fell from the front of a theatre, showing the actors of the play and I imagined the people clapping at the sight of me naked. My eyes went almost automatically to that spot, that triangular forest of hair that matched the color of what sat on the top of my head. My hips framed it, like a work of art, and my legs were the pedestal it was put on. It was a priceless ugly jewel that men would drool over. I got tired of looking at myself and went in the water.
It was warm, and I wasn't surprised because the sun's light went through the trees and heated the water. I was glad, since I didn't really wanna take a cold bath on a cold morning. I breathed in and held my breath, then closed my eyes again and went under the water and it rushed in my ears, I felt the tranquil feeling of being alone and with my thoughts after months of bein around other people. I broke the surface, breathing new air in my lungs, and sighed. There wasn't even the sound of stupid chirping birds. Just…silence.
Water drops slithered across my wet face, and when I blinked, they flew off my eyelashes. My hair was heavier now, and plastered to my back; my bangs were pressed on my forehead, blocking my line of vision, so I reached up to push them back with my hands, but they just came back clumps of strands at a time, back to where they belonged, at least they weren't over my eyes anymore. I got some water in my palm and rubbed it over my arm, then my chest and cupped water in my other hand and did the same to my other arm. A group of large rocks separated the whole length of the lake into two small ponds, except for the absence of one that let people move freely between the opposite ends. I didn't pay any mind to it. When I got here, there was nobody, I didn't sense anyone, or hear anyone. I was alone.
I'm sixteen winters, close to becoming seventeen, and I haven't been close to a man. I recently thought about it, I'm sure all girls my age do. It's a natural thing, I guess. My situation doesn't really allow me to get to know anyone, and come to think of it, men don't even notice me, so that's out the window. Well, then again, I can't rule out Nii-san. I'm not so stupid that I haven't noticed the times when he looked at me that way that he usually doesn't, like hes studying me. And that blush. That traitor of his mind. He's done it so many times around me that I can hardly count each and every one. But that complicated mess of a problem is behind us, and we forgot our bodies for the time being, but I can't forget the tension that used to be between us before we talked it out. A endless, unspoken tension that would settle on us like the weight of the world. I have to admit, he is kinda good lookin…and there's not much wrong with me noticing that, but its not like I would ever tell him that to his face, no way in hell. I don't know if he's returned the favor on his end, the way he used to study me when we were younger up til now, I remember sensing his eyes studying me, and its weird but, I liked it. My heart would beat to the sound of drums when he did it, pounding in my chest with secret nervousness.
But, gods, I sound so freakin desperate! You know, I don't need so much attention. I don't need to have a man's eyes on me to feel like a girl because I don't think about it anyway, and y'know, I don't know what it is about the body that makes people stare at each other like that, with all that lust. I rubbed my hands over my stomach, across my thighs, then my breasts. I did it quick and without thinking, because I know that the chest, the rear and the flower are the most erotic parts of a woman, and I never felt comfortable touchin' on them for too long. Its weird, to touch those places, places a man would touch on a woman. And, like I said before, the body is separate from the mind and the soul, its just the thing I walk around in, so I shouldn't have to say its a part of me. But…I have to live in it for the rest of my life. Damn. Sometimes, I just wish I could throw it away, leave it to fend for itself, send it off on its own and be a single mind, a shapeless thing in the border between the living and the dead.
And other times, I think of it embracing itself, of knowing everything about it and just what makes it feel good.
Sex. I haven't even thought about it much, only by myself and even then I don't go too deep into it. It's a unspoken thing. I don't know much about it, just that its a word people don't talk about a lot, and involves a guy and a lady doing stuff. Of course my Oka-san told me of that "sacred moment" and yeah, I imagined it, but not all the time. My body heats up, the heat goes all over me, thinking about it. I looked up to the sky, I felt it again, but what was it? What was it moving my hands down to that so called sacred place, and made my finger brush touch it, my teeth clenching on my lip with the bolt of hot lightning going into my stomach? I closed my eyes and something inside me; It wasn't my hand and its fingers that mashed themselves on the flower and its bud-I couldn't help but make a sound, my other hand grabbed the edge of the lake, the leaves crackled in my clenched fist-what is this? Again, that warm feeling went over me when I did it again, it felt new and weird and hard to describe; my legs shivered and this time a small grunt, then another sound, was that my voice? More, I wanted more, I wanted to finish it, see what was that feeling that was building up and just as I felt my eyes roll to the back of my head-damn it. I heard a cough.
My heart thumped in my chest, my eyes flew open, the water splashed with me moving when I heard it. Someone else was here. What if they saw me? Of course they saw me! They saw me! They watched what I was doing! What I was doing, my face! I went in the water down to my chin. I'm naked... Who was it? Where were they? Someone else knew what I did. But they ain't gonna know for long. I'll kill them! Why didn't I notice earlier? I wasn't paying attention, I was stupid. I should have heard, smelled. Smell! Clear your head…concentrate on finding this guy, this filthy pervy…. I inhaled and picked up the scent of…a guy of course. Now where was this guy? I heard the water moving, his heavy breathin'. I couldn't just leave and let him get away with it! And I was so pissed off!-as soon as I found that he was on the other side of the lake, hiding like a coward behind those stupid boulders, I moved as fast as I could, making sure to keep my body well hidden, and when he heard me coming, he tried to escape, but I rounded the corner, made my way through the small gap where he had been spying on me and caught him before he could make a getaway.
"Who the hell are you? What are you doing here? What did you see-what the fuck is your problem you piece of-I'm gonna kill you!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, my hands flailin all over the place, clenching and unclenching into fists.
"Excuse me, I'm sorry but I didn't notice you there! Please, forgive me, just calm down, its not such a big deal!" he sputtered, his hands raised in front of him as protection.
Not A Big Deal? I wanted to tear his eyes out.
"WHAT? I'm gonna kill you, you stupid bastard!"
"NO, no, don't! I'm sorry! I said I didn't know you were here! I thought I was alone!"
"Well big fuckin' deal I thought I was here alone too asshole! And when did you realize you weren't alone? When you heard water splashing or when you spied on me-Why am I still talkin to you? I'm just gonna kill you, that's all, I'm gonna kill you!"
"Please! Hear me out, just stop, relax and listen to me, please! Don't get so upset, miss! I beg you to just-we really can't do this in this state, can we? I mean, we are both naked, have you even looked at me at least once before you decide to murder me?"
No, I hadn't taken the damn time to look at him. All I saw was water and skin and anger. I don't know what made me hesitate to wrap my hands around his neck, but I actually listened to him and my eyes rose up from just being limited to the surface of the water, slowly moving up, until I finally saw him.
He stood across from me, and since I was dipped into the lake to my chin, he stood over me. I hated him already. But something kept me from killing him right then and there. Maybe some thing I can't explain. His hair was pitch black like mine, shaggy and longer than average, clumps of strands stuck to his neck and forehead, close to those dark eyes, the same shade of his hair almost, if not a dark, dark brown. The sun stayed on his broad chest…he was strong, his arms raised in front of him were fit and the muscles in his upper arms stood out. In your face. Everything about him, this weirdo, was dark and something you could just as easy not notice, the way I didn't, but he still got attention. He asked for attention he didn't even want, I guess.
But that doesn't even matter! He spied on me! Naked! I noticed the fact that we were both naked, a guy and, well, me. In the same lake together. Only a little far apart. He was tall too, because he was standing and the water came up to only his bottom half, just barely even, since I could see the two muscles that were on either side of his waist that went straight for the spot where his business was.
I was quiet for too long lookin' at him, and he must have mistook it for me not wantin' to kill him so much anymore, because he lowered his guard just a little. He was wrong. Oh, I still wanted to kill him. Hell yeah, I did. But mostly I wanted to know who he was for some reason, too. And what he was doing there. Watching me. He spoke after I didn't.
"I got here earlier, you know. I wasn't trying to spy on you…" I didn't look at him while he was talking. "But, I must be honest. I heard someone else entering the water. So, in curiosity, I went and checked. And I saw you. And I was at a loss for words. I've never seen a woman so beautiful before."
I hated the blood that went to my face. What was he saying? My heart started beating fast, my body burned knowing his eyes saw it. And he said I was beautiful? Psht. Maybe to take my mind off the fact that he spied on me! He was trying to distract me of course! Spewing stupid lines.
"Cut the crap, you sick bastard. Just because you say that you expect me to fall at your feet and say, 'Oh, well that justifies everything if you call me beautiful!', you think that phases me? Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm not so desperate for a man to look at me that I'll completely ignore the fact that he's a pervert so I can put into my head that maybe its actually because its true. You know, I don't even know why I'm sitting here talking to you when I should be beating the shit out of you." I mumbled, looking at any other thing than him.
He chuckled. All the hate I could muster went into the glare I gave him and it shut him up and dropped his stupid smile as quick as if a bolt of lightning had struck his face. Was this man who had just spied on me actually laughing at me too?
"I'm sorry. But well, I don't know, it seems unlikely that you can do anything right now, to me." I raised an eyebrow at him. A smirk broke free and ran renegade on his lips. He stepped back and raised up his arms on either side of him and said, "Alright then. Kill me."
This bastard had some nerve. He was making fun of me too? My fists clenched under the water, unseen. I didn't move from my spot though.
His eyes settled on mine. "Just so you know…in case you don't already…if you try to kill me, you're going to have to get closer than that. Much closer if I struggle. And there's a strong chance that at that level of invasion of personal space, our bodies…might more than brush together."
Damn him. I stayed where I was, my eyes slipping away from his.
"When I saw you, as you stepped into the water, my eyes couldn't help but soak in every detail of your body. Every aspect of it. I was astonished, because I truly believed I was seeing a woman I would never see ever again in my life." I could do nothing but listen to him. "And as you bathed yourself, I knew I was witnessing something special. Something timeless. I couldn't look away. I couldn't leave, I couldn't tear my eyes away for one second. And I knew it was worth it when I saw what happened next…"
I breathed hard and slow. I wanted to hurt him. Which is why I reached over to the edge of the pool where a rock sat, and threw it at his head. It was fast, but he was faster, and he caught it in front of him, before it even got close. And he did it so easily, like he knew I was gonna do it, like he knew my actions and he didn't even know my name.
"I can understand. That you're angry. That must have been your first time doing that…exploring yourself," he held the rock in his hand and looked at it. He smiled again. "I can see it, that fact about you. Its like you carry it on your chest. And a nice chest it is…"
I crossed my arms under the water and he noticed it with a sideways look. "Believe me, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are well endowed, that's for sure." Again, I don't know why I stayed there, listenin' to him and his sexual innuendos. I guess I had nothing else better to do, and I wanted to put off the awkward moment where I would have to turn away and get out, because I doubted already that he would let up. So I stayed crouched in the water up to my chin half listening to him, this stranger who spied on me, and watching a tiny frog floating swim around like it didn't know where it was going.
"I can tell that you don't know yourself as well as you should. The way you let go, handled your body, you handled it like a tool. Your tool for sexual pleasure. Like you were just discovering something new. It was incredible to watch. You don't have to be ashamed of it. Afraid of it, of nakedness. I know I'm not. I happen to be very proud of myself, in the flesh, vulnerable. And you have no reason to be so demure. You contradict yourself. How can you be so modest about something you don't even care about? That's how you fascinate me, just now, right now, looking at you, here, you amaze me, confuse me. I'm glad to be standing here with you. Under these circumstances. Its perfect. Fate."
"What the hell are you talking about?" I spoke up, confused myself. Maybe this guy hit his head somewhere, trying to escape earlier. Wait, That's right…he tried to escape. So how could he be glad we're here like this if he was trying to run away not too long ago? "You're a liar. How can you say you're glad we're here, that its fate, when you were trying to run away when I found out you were spying on me?"
"I didn't think you would be so relaxed as you are now," he answered without hesitating, folding his arms too. "That's why you confuse me."
I stared at the frog. He was still, his arms and legs spread out like he was frozen that way, his small body bobbing in the waves of the water bouncing from our moving bodies. "You don't know me. You don't even know my name. So how can you assume all those things about me, that I'm afraid? Who the hell are you to identify me like that? You've got some nerve."
"Aren't I right? You confuse even yourself. Protecting something you don't even care about from view," he said, leaned into my line of vision and looked at me. I looked back, taking my attention away from the frog for a second to talk to him. "My view."
"Who are you?"
"I'm a man."
I rolled my eyes. I didn't have time for games. If he wanted to act like an idiot, I didn't wanna deal with it. I could just forget about him and go about my life.
"My name is Tsozen," he said, his voice was deep and playful. It was weird. I've only heard of foreigners with names like that, which made him even harder to figure out. Now that he told me his name, he was even more of a stranger.
I didn't give him my name, I didn't need to. I wasn't the one spying on him. He looked at me smiling. "I'm not telling you mine. I don't owe you anything." I said.
"Ah. I understand." The guy-Tsozen, nodded. Then he looked at me. "Well, if you asked me…"
"I didn't and I wouldn't."
"…if you asked me, I would say you owe yourself something."
I looked at him. "And whaddya think that is?"
"Finish what you started. Go ahead. I'll watch," he grinned, a slow grin, that showed his teeth. "Or if you want, I can close my eyes…it will be something just to hear you."
He made me want to throw up, this Tsozen, right after that. I tolerated the other crap, but this was enough. "I'm leaving." I said out loud, moving farther more away from him.
"So you're going to deny yourself that pleasure?" he laughed. "I've never heard of a woman teasing herself. Or would you rather I did it for you?"
I turned away from him and walked through the water to the edge of the lake. Looking over my shoulder, I saw him standing there, his arms folded, that stupid smirk. "I said, I'm getting out. I'm leaving."
"I heard you," he said.
I couldn't believe this. It was crazy, a game, and I was getting tired of it, quick. Who the hell is this Tsozen and who did he think he was? My interest, any that I had in him out of my will for that matter, started slipping away. I never met anyone like him and after this, I don't think I want to ever again.
"So turn around or close your eyes or somethin'." I sighed.
He moved to my right behind me, still far, and leaned on the bank of the lake. "No. I won't. I'm going to sit here and watch you this entire time. And since you're so hell-bent on protecting the modesty of a body that you care nothing about, I'm positive that you'll just move away from there and continue talking to me. You'll even refrain from doing something you want to do all for the sake of your fear. I've figured you out already."
So he thought he had me figured out, after he just met me and didn't even know my name he thought he knew me. Well, he didn't. I admit, while I was standin' there, he was right, I wasn't gonna just walk out, even though I didn't really care about my body I wasn't gonna just be naked in front of strange guys. And I couldn't beat the shit out of him, we were both naked so it would be hard to do it without…things…touching each other.
I hated him already. In the end, I hated him because he was right. But I didn't wanna admit it; I mean, who was he? Where did he come from and how did he figure me out so easy? Was I that much of a open-scroll to the world or something? Or was it just him that knew, that saw it, saw into me, a me that I had trained for years to be completely solid? I didn't wanna admit that he figured me out, that someone did, and a stranger that I just met for that matter.
I turned away, with my back facing him, at the other end of the lake, and didn't say anything.
"Listen. I want to talk to you…" he trailed off, waiting for me to give him my name, and I still didn't. If he knew so much about me, he could figure out my name on his own too. "I've never met anyone like you before, and I'm sorry I had to intrude on your privacy, and its clear I've touched a nerve telling you what I think about you, and I know I'm right; that must be very hard to take in but…I can't help it, you fascinate me, the way no other woman has been able to, in this short amount of time.
"I've never felt so attracted to someone the way I am to you."
I rolled my eyes. What a horrible speech to win me over, and/or humiliate me even more. I don't know what he expected me to do in response to all that bullshit diarrhea of the mouth, but all I know is that I gave a completely different one from what he was waiting for.
"Whatever."
"You don't think anyone could be interested in you the way I am?" His voice rang out. "You think I'm just lying to you for some reason?"
"I think," I said, leaning against the bank and playing with a blade of grass sticking out from between two rocks, "that you think, that I must be stupid."
In a split second, I felt his breath against the back of my neck. I have no idea how I didn't hear him move towards me, or sense it; was I that distracted by a piece of grass? Or if it was the fact that he distracted me, he melted my senses, he made my breath catch in my throat while he whispered, our bodies so close beneath the water that I felt the heat coming from his skin through the water.
"I think you don't want to admit that you feel the same…" he mumbled.
I gasped, then spun around to find him right in front of me, grinning like a fool. Well, not a fool, exactly… He placed his hands on either side of me against the bank, trapping me. "Am I intimidating you?"
Yes, a cocky fool, that's what he was. I looked up at him and frowned. Who is this guy? I didn't want to let him know that my heartbeat had sped up in the short amount of time that he stood there, over me, or that I was feeling things I couldn't describe-nervousness, anxiety, a strange feeling to grab him and press him against me to see just what it was that made us to be that way…how was he making me think these thoughts, feel these feelings? He was a stranger, someone I don't even know, and I couldn't deny that out of anyone that I've known in my whole life it was only for him that I had the want to explore myself in. Why? I don't know. Maybe the fact that I didn't know him. And maybe that excited me, somehow. Or maybe the fact that out of everyone I've ever known, he could intimidate me-I can't tell a lie to myself-and know he was doing it, but not throw it in my face. He was using it as a tool. But still, it was hard to believe that out of any woman in the world, that I realized he could get easy, why he wanted me was the ultimate question in my mind.
"No…" I answered, backing away from him as far as possible. I didn't understand what I felt at the moment.
"Are you sure of that?" Tsozen whispered, leaning closer to me. His eyes stared into mine with an intensity of pitch black darkness I can't even describe. "I think…you might want to rethink your answer."
Why would he intimidate me? Didn't I say just earlier that I thought of my body like a tool? Why should I care if he was close to it, barely touching it with his? He was forcing me, no, helping me to find out something. Maybe it wasn't a burden, this body I've got. Maybe it's a part of me, like two halves of a whole thing, mind and body, maybe they're not supposed to be separated, but together, like harmony.
"What do you want from me?"
My question hung in the hot air around us after it left from my mouth on its own. He stared at me, then licked his lips. Seeing the tip of his tongue swivel across them made my stomach burn with some heat I can't explain with just regular words. But still, I didn't know what it was.
He parted his lips, and I looked into his eyes while he said, "Nothing."
My mouth was bone dry when I opened it and blurted out, "I've never been this close to a man before. 'Specially one I don't even know…"
Still lookin' at me, he said, "I know."
I raised my eyebrow at him, I didn't even do it on purpose, I think, and he smiled. "It's just something that's evident, in the way you're handling all this. I can sense it. But any other man would be able to notice, how pure a woman is, just by instinct, feeling."
"How come you're doin' this, exactly?" I asked. I just had to know his reason for doing this, I mean, men don't just meet random women and tell them things about themselves, watch them…well, men do do that…but I didn't understand why he was doing this with me, out of all women.
Tsozen thought about his words, I know by the way he took his eyes off me for a moment to look up at the sky, then back to me. "Because I can't rid myself of the feeling that the two of us ending up in this lake together, in this circumstance, while you were discovering yourself, is no coincidence. I believe, I was placed here, by fate, to assist you with that…"
"More nonsense words?"
"No. More truth words."
"Fine. Now back off." I said, glaring at him.
He only grinned more. "What's wrong now? I thought…I wasn't intimidating you like this." And he brought his arms closer around me.
He was a little attractive before, but now he was just pissing me off. Did he think I was that easy that he could just pin me against something and have me shivering like some trapped cat, naked at that? Even though he knew things about me, he didn't know me.
"I said….Move."
I glared at him and he dropped his act and backed up. Tsozen laughed, and that surprised me. "Ok. You can have it your way for now. I'm assuming you want to get out now, get dressed. We can't really get to know each other fully under these circumstances. I'm fine with it, I doubt I'll get much out of you, while we're both, you know, naked."
He put his arms behind his back. Well, I had nothing else better to do, I guess. I watched him for a moment while he closed his eyes and stood there, and I knew he was just givin' me the time to look him over, the cocky jackass. I felt an attraction to him, I can't lie. This Tsozen wanted to play a game. I'm not one for em, but I wanted to know him more, since he already knew so much about me. I was gonna be playing a game on him anyway. And, well, again, I gotta admit, the idea of playing a game with this weird stranger was kinda exciting.
But still, I didn't trust that half-closed eye thing for a second, which is why I reached over to grab my sash from the side of the lake where all my clothes were, and threw it to him. He caught it easy. Either he was faking or he sensed it coming while his eyes were closed. I'm not an idiot.
"What's this for?" he asked, examining it.
"To cover your eyes, you pervert."
"I had them closed already."
"Yeah, I'm not an idiot." I repeated out loud. "If you know so much about me you should at least know that much."
Tsozen smiled again, showing a row of perfect teeth while he tied my sash over his eyes and around his head. "Whatever you say. It'll be a pleasure just hearing you get out and dress yourself."
After making sure he really couldn't see, I inched my way out the water, my back to him the entire time. He still stood there, smiling while I half-assed binding my breasts up and threw my clothes on, just trying to get covered before he tried anything slick. I needed my sash back to tie my haori and hakama up.
"Hey. I need that back now." I called to him.
He tilted his head at a angle to find out where I was and untied the sash from his head and tossed it to me. He watched me while I tied it at my waist. "Done?" he asked, lookin' up at me. He moved through the water to the side of the bank I was standing at. "Can I come out now?"
"Sure, let me just-"
"No, you don't have to do anything. Just needed the ok."
And just like that, before I could even say another word, he pulled himself out the water and stood in front of me, completely and basically, naked as the day he was born. My jaw dropped. He stood, just looking at me with that stupid smirk on his face and all I could think was, Naked man, naked Tsozen, naked, he's naked, he's naked… His chest, looking like it was cut from stone, his whole body like it was carved from marble, drops of water ran down his arms and raced down his stomach and didn't even stop at his… my eyes stopped there. There. It was. I don't know what made my attention go straight to that part of his body, that…thing, maybe just pure instinct, I mean, that is the reproductive organ right? And males and females, both have 'em, and we were all put on this earth to reproduce, its in our instinct. But I'm pretty sure my eyes stayed there too long. But it was just…a lot to take in. A lot to take in. Well, his thing, well, it was just there, but, it was raised up a bit, it wasn't just dangling there, but it wasn't in mid air, it was-I think it moved. It was strange and a little bit disgusting, or just abnormal looking, it just looked that way, but still, despite all that, I couldn't take my eyes off it. I was fascinated somehow. It just looked like the most naked part of his body, the skin on it looked so thin, and at the end of it, it was just as weird looking as the rest. And then the things hanging under it, like a sack, it was all just very awkward looking.
"Enjoying the view?"
His voice snapped me back to reality and I felt my face burn. I looked in his eyes that had just a little spark in them, and frowned. How could he just do that? What did he take me for? Did he think he could just show his body to me and his-stuff, and do something as disgusting and stupid as that and just expect me to be ok with it? Like I wanted to see it? Just the fact that he had the nerve to do something so stupid! I didn't feel bad at all when I pushed him back into that lake.
Water splashed everywhere with his body smacking the surface and sinking underneath for a while before coming back up again.
"What was that for?" he shouted, still with that stupid smirk.
"Shut the hell up! You act like you even have the right to ask, like you even have to ask at all! What the fuck was that about? What the hell do you take me for? I'm not in the least bit interested in you flashing me!"
He blinked water out of his eyes and laughed. "I'm sorry, I told you, I'm comfortable with my own body." Tsozen ran his hair back with his fingers. "Hopefully after we get to know each other, you'll flash me sometime."
I rolled my eyes. Why did I put up with this? I don't know, just curiosity I guess. He was getting ready to come out again, doing the exact same thing without any shame at all. I gave him a look and he froze. "Right… you don't want to see me that way. Well, are you going to turn away?"
No, I wanted to play the game. "I'm just gonna go." And with that said, I looked at him one more time, and saw that he knew that the game was starting. Why was I playing a game with a complete stranger again? Same answer, no clue. I only knew that he made me feel things I've never felt before in my entire life, and I was interested in what else this pervert could make me feel. And besides, he wasn't ordinary. He knew about me. He told good lies.
I started walking away and heard him get out of the water and start getting dressed. My face got hot. But why? I was attracted to him. And what is attraction? What I used to feel with Nii-san? No, this one was a little more different, a little more, older. How can I say it? Its more…mature. I'm sixteen winters and I've never had a man look at me the way he did. Or make me feel what he made me feel. I don't know what this is…but I guess I like it, in a way. My feet came down on the dry grass and leaves on the ground with every step I took, and I knew he was following me after a while because I heard the same soft crunching sounds I was making by walking, behind me. They got faster until he was walking next to me.
I didn't look at him, then all of a sudden, he stopped in front of me, blocking my way. He was dressed, thank the gods, in a faded black kimono with a black sash wrapped around his waist, the sleeves were cut off and it looked loose and pretty ragged. Strength was written on the left side of the chest in white ink.
"Tell me your name," he smiled.
"Why?"
"Because I told you mine. It's only fair."
I rolled my eyes, maneuvered around him and kept walking. He kept walking beside me. "Why are you following me?"
He laughed. "You're not making this easy. If we're going to get to know each other, you're going to have to tell me your name."
In a way, he was kinda right. Well, mostly right. "My name is Kikyou." I said, keeping my eyes on the edge of the woods.
"Kikyou…" he said to himself. "That's a beautiful name."
"Yeah, whatever." I said.
I heard him chuckle underneath his breath. "Why can't you just take a compliment, Kikyou?"
"Maybe because I don't want your stupid compliments."
We were in the fields now, and he was still keeping by my side, the bastard didn't let up. I tried to walk faster but he matched my speed. "Well, tell me about yourself. I want to know as much as possible about you," he said.
I didn't say anything.
"By any chance, are you named after the great miko Kikyou-sama of legend? The miko who helped defeat the evil Naraku years and years ago?"
The scenery changed to the village and I stopped at the side of a run down hut, turned around and laid my back against it. He wasn't gonna let up. I shrugged and said, "Yeah, what's it to ya."
"I've admired that woman for as long as I can remember. That whole story, the battle she willingly threw herself into for the future of humanity, helping to defeat the hanyou Naraku, and the brave few that actually accomplished that feat…I remember falling asleep to that tale while my father told it to me."
I didn't pay attention to a word Tsozen said because I had my eye on Nii-san standing in front of the Oji-san's hut where everybody else was and the look on his face. I followed his stare to this girl holding a piece of bread and talking to some merchant guy. He was staring at her, and the way he was…like his eyes were hanging on her like, fur on a dog. What the hell? Who is that girl and why is he looking at her like that? Why don't I know what's goin' on? I go for maybe a moment and I'm already outta the loop? I was about to call the idiot but then he just took off and when I looked to see the girl, she was already gone in the same direction that bastard was going in.
What's going on…? I looked back up at Tsozen. Maybe we need some time to ourselves I guess. My life doesn't revolve around that bouzou, we can't always be around each other all the time. I wanted freedom right? I have it now. What are you gonna do with it Kikyou?
"…brings you here?"
"Huh?" He had his eyes on me when I said that. Sorry pal, you completely lost me.
He smiled that weird smile and leaned his back against the hut behind him so that we were facing each other in the alleyway, not so far apart. "I asked, and what brings you here, Kikyou-chan?"
"None of your damn business," I said, quick. There was something about his speech, the way he talked, like his words were all broken up and it was hard to really know just what the hell he was saying. Too suspicious for me.
He laughed a little and said, "Well, I guess I can tell you about myself before we get to the more serious conversation concerning you. I don't have a whole life story to bore you with, don't worry, I'll just get to the point. I can tell you don't like waiting and patience isn't exactly your virtue.
"I am nineteen winters, I come from the Ryukyu islands, I was a well-rounded apprentice swordsman, I wanted to become a samurai…" he faded off and looked down at the ground for the first time instead of at me. It was a little weird, but not so much, well, I mean, I just met this guy and already he was telling me his life story and getting all emotional with me, that was the weird part. But at the same time it was kinda like I wanted to know about why he all of a sudden went all meek and quiet from being the bold guy I'm used to.
"But, I am currently learning a new stylized form of close combat, not the way of the ninja, but something more open fist, as you might say, an art form of fighting. A deal of strength and force as well as technique, a brutal style of combat that does not require a weapon or anything but relies solely on the strength of the individual and their 'chi'. My teacher is unsure of what to call it yet. But, well, you can say, I'm on a journey for redemption. I watched my father die at the hands of penniless thieves. Back then, I wasn't strong enough to avenge him…but now, I've been training to be stronger."
Tsozen looked up at me and in those eyes, dark like the ocean at night, I saw something like a drive, a deep down motivation thing. It was weird, but not weird.
"I'm kinda on a journey too," I said. "Me and my parents have been lookin' for this demon. Its kinda like my namesake, fighting demons. You know that story you were telling me about, the whole Naraku story, and the 'brave few' that killed him?"
Tsozen nodded. "Well, my Oto-san was one of those brave people. And my Oka-san. And the others are my friends. One of 'em is my Oji-san, but I don't see him so much."
I looked at the guy and his eyebrows were raised up. "So, you're the daughter of the hanyou Inuyasha-sama? Great demon of the East? And the Great miko Kagome-sama? You were named after-"
"Yeah, miko Kikyou. I know, I know, throw a party. But just when we thought we were gonna get some damn piece and quiet, this new guy shows up and makes us get off our asses and try and find him before he kills all you guys."
He didn't look like he got what I said.
"Regular humans."
"I see."
It was kinda cool, to stand there in that dark alley with this guy that I could actually talk to, somebody that wasn't Nii-san for a change. I felt like it was just us in the whole village. Maybe in this whole place. And I didn't mind much if it was. The more I looked at him and felt that feeling of just some kinda connection we have, the more I wanted to talk to him.
"So, you don't really get much time to talk to people. Socialize. Be a normal woman your age. Have relationships," he stood up and moved closer to me. The air got stuffy from him closing up all the distance that was between us. I heard all the people on the main streets running errands and talking, all the noise while we were there and nobody knew. We were alone somehow. I looked up at him and felt my heart beating fast. He made me nervous.
"Well, yeah," I mumbled.
"Maybe you can start now. Kikyou-chan. That's if you're willing. My interest in you is incredibly powerful, so much so that I can't exactly ignore it. You attract me like a moth to the flame…and that flame is all too enticing," he stared right in my eyes when he said it. My hands started sweating. I just don't get why I'm feeling all this stuff. I don't get what it all means. That's why I hate my body so damn much. It does stuff I don't understand.
His hand brushed up against mines, his fingers touched the palm of my hand and then I felt his hand holding mine.
"Your palms are sweating," he smiled at me and said.
"I've never really done any of this before…" I don't know how he turned me so meek either. This isn't me, I'm not this nervous, mousy little filly, I'm a damn warrior, I'm strong. Why does he make me feel so weak…?
He pulled me towards leaving the little alley. "Come, I want to get to know you with a little more scenery around us."
It was like we were under a rock or something how loud all the noise sounded once we left from where we were, like we were in some dark place with no noise and the sun just came out of nowhere and a bunch of people were everywhere, buying stuff, running errands and talking, walking all over the place. I'm wondering why there's all this stuff goin' on, like the emperor's comin' to town or some crap. But I just kept on following Tsozen. Every now and then he'd look back at me and smile or something, or just look at me to make sure I was still there. I don't have any clue where we were goin', but I didn't really care so much. I just wanted to sit down kinda, just somewhere quiet, where people wouldn't fucking stare at me.
Tsozen didn't ask about my bloodline, if I was somewhat a youkai, that I had that blood in me. Maybe because he already put two and two together with my Oka-san and Oto-san. But, still, he never looked at me the way everybody else looks at me. Not once. The kind of look he gave me, it wasn't a weird or judging one, it was like he didn't care about me being part youkai. It was like he just saw me, for me. It was the same as Nii-san's look, like Miroku and Sango's look, but then it was even different from that. There was that flame that he told me about, it was right there in his eyes. And it made me freeze up for some reason, if that even makes any sense.
We walked through maybe billions of people, some of em stared at us while we walked by, but most of em were just goin crazy, talking and talking, arguing, running around like chickens with their heads cut off. I really wanted to know what the hell was goin on, but I just kinda focused on Tsozen's hand holding mine. He didn't let go, not even for a moment, and I realized that I'd never even held any guy's hand for that long either. His was bigger than mine, but just as rough, we'd both been through it. By the time I looked up again I didn't smell the musk of people around but forest, trees and underbrush. We were at the base of a mountainside.
Damn…how long had we been walking and why don't I remember any of it?
"Its somewhat steep here," he said, looking at me and letting my hand slip out of his. "Would you like me to get you up there?"
He had turned around and held his hands cupped behind his back like I was supposed to submit to getting carried. I laughed. "You probably won't be able to keep up with me."
"Ah, that's a challenge I hear. I don't like losing," he said, and he had a glint in his eye that I knew would manage to give me some kinda competition. He didn't have any youkai blood. But sometimes humans can do something, like Sango, Miroku and Nii-san. I'd have to see.
"Yeah, so what're ya waitin for?" I jumped up as far as I could go and when my foot touched down on the edge of a path on the side of the mountain I knew he would never be able to just climb all that and get up here. So much for that. I kept up my pace, skidding up the side, grass and leaves getting broken up under my feet, I heard twigs being crushed, the wind rushing through my ears and I was so concentrated on getting ahead that I forgot that I didn't even know where the hell the stopping point was.
And to top matters off, I sensed Tsozen. Where, I couldn't make it out, but he was close. And how the hell did he manage that? I glanced around quick, my left, my right, I saw a bear look up at me. Trees, trees and more trees. But then I noticed the shadow inside the trees, jumping off the branches like some kinda ninja. That was him, and he was gaining fast. I tried to pick up the pace even more to lose him and jump over to a high ledge where a bunch of thorns were that surprised the shit out of me when I didn't make it high enough and I grabbed on them instead.
"Shit!" I shouted, and I let go like an idiot, then I was falling. I was gonna break the fall and land on my feet of course, it woulda hurt my joints a little, because the ground was real far down, but I was prepared for it. But Tsozen's arms curling around me and holding me close to him made me not have to worry about that and he made a sorta not so good landing in some place. He stumbled when his feet connected with the ground and I just stepped back to let him gain his balance. He was sweating, but his breathing was normal. I didn't really worry about that though, I was more concentrated on the fact that I wasn't strong enough to make that ledge and I ended up falling like a fool instead.
He came up to me and asked, "Are you ok?"
I looked at my hand and saw the blood pooling in my palm. I was mad. And weak. The blood was just mocking me. What was a game was now some show to let everyone in the world see how weak Kikyou really is. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"No, you're not, well, not for right now. Let me take a look at that," he took my hand before I could say anything and looked at it. I just glanced around while he did and noticed a ragged shack hidden by some trees not far from where we were standing which I couldn't figure who might live in a rundown place like that. But the outside was alright, alota green everywhere, just leaves and stuff, grass underneath our feet, me barefoot and him wearing geta. He wiped the blood away with his fingers and before I could object to anything I felt his mouth closing on my hand and his tongue against my skin.
"Hey! What the hell?" I shouted out, snatching my hand back. "What's your problem?"
He smiled. "I know all the poisonous plants in this region. You just happened to grab onto the most deadliest. If you just stand there screaming at me, that poison will continue traveling through your system until you die, Kikyou-san. So its best you immediately suck the poison out."
"I can do that myself," I told him, walking over to the left of the clearing and sitting in the grass. I looked at where his mouth had been and thought of how it had felt just then, the warmth of his mouth and the feeling of the wetness of his tongue and all. I pushed the thought out my head and just did what he was doing earlier, trying to ignore the fact that I had my mouth in the same spot where he had his just a while ago.
He didn't say anything and just walked over, one foot in front of the other to where I was sitting and sat down hard next to me. His legs were stretched out in front of him, and I could feel his eyes watching me, but I didn't look back at him. It was quiet all around us. He turned his body to me.
"You have to keep at it for a while," he said out of nowhere, "I'll tell you when."
I didn't really listen to him, I kept replaying that stupid screwup in my head over and over again, the pain I got from those stupid thorns, me letting go instead of just getting over it and going on, it stopped me and stomped all over me and defeated me. A couple of fuckin thorns. And on top of it all, he had to be a hero and save me. Somebody always saving me, trying to protect me when I don't need any fucking protection, I can defend myself, I can save myself, I don't need anyone, not you, Tsozen, not anybody. This was supposed to be a day for me, myself, me getting to know myself not some weird guy from some islands, just me damn it. And I don't need you staring at me and making me remember how you had to save me because I'm so weak. I don't need saving!
"You can stop now, Kikyou-san."
I tore off a strip of fabric from my haori and tied it around my hand, then stood up and just froze because I didn't even know where to go, I just didn't wanna be sitting there with him staring at me. But he still did it, still stretched out there, looking up at me before he stood up too.
I thanked the gods when he finally spit something out. "I live there, in that hut. I've been in these mountains for months, mostly training, getting to know the terrain. Watching for poisonous plants."
He tried to say it offhandedly, mockin me. I didn't appreciate it. And he noticed so he smiled that dumbass smile again and asked me to follow him in. I didn't say anything and followed him across the clearing, the grass was soft on my feet, and when we walked inside the place it smelled good, like wood and cedar. I really like the smell of the forests, and he was pretty lucky to have his whole damn place smelling like it. The wood he used to build was dark, but he did an alright job, there was a square of dirt cut in and a pot hanging over it, two sticks holding it up by the sides, burnt ashes under it where he had a fire before to cook his meals. There was a futon at one end of the house and at the other end there was a high platform connected to the wall where swords, knives, katana and other stuff laid. I went over to it and picked up the katana, unsheathed it to see the light glint off the blade, then moved everything aside so I could jump up and sit on the edge of the thing.
"Forgive me for the ramshackle of it all…I'm just not one for comfort, just bare necessity," he said, making his way to where I sat and standing in front of me, leaning his hands on either side of my body and looking right in my eyes. He was gonna kiss me. I swallowed and tried to look away from him but it was one of the hardest things I had to do, I mean, he was standing right there. I wasn't ready…I clenched the edges of the wood. But he didn't do anything, just stood there and smiled at me.
"You have no problem going with some strange man up in the mountains by yourself and being alone in this hut with me," he mumbled.
"Yeah well, I could kick your ass easy. I'm not some helpless little filly. If you tried something, I'd kill you instead of screaming my head off like some lunatic. And besides, you don't have the balls to do something so stupid, write up your own death sentence."
He chuckled but kept his eyes on me. "You're right…you're unlike any other woman I've known. Stronger, more confident in your strength and yourself. Right?"
I didn't say anything. "Talk to me, Kikyou-chan. That is what we're here for. What I'm here in front of you, for. Someone you don't know who you can tell everything to and not have the fear of seeing me again after this night, just as harmless as if you told all this to a frog."
He reached down and put his hands on my ankles. I took in a breath and stil kept my mouth shut while he moved his hands up slow, lifting up my hakama while he went, until the whole bottom half of my legs were out and his hands were on my knees. My breathing picked up.
"Relax…" he breathed out, calm and quiet. I just swallowed again and looked down at his hands. I was afraid to look at him in the eyes. The feeling in the bottom of my stomach came back again, stronger, and my skin heated up. I was blushing. He didn't say anything about it. "You were pushing yourself out there. Do you normally do that?"
"Yeah, everyday I have to fight for my life, well, almost everyday. I have to push myself, be strong, everyday. Just like everyone else in my group," I wasn't afraid to answer that, I mean, I was telling him something that wasn't that bad to say. It was the truth anyway.
"And what happens if you're not strong enough, when you reach your limit?"
"Theres no such thing as a limit. You're only as strong as you let yourself be. If your body is weak, you're weak. It was just weakness, I'm-"
I stopped before I could let it slip out. Not in front of him, not in front of anyone. Not now. "You're not weak. You're just you. Everyone falls Kikyou-chan. Everyone loses at least one fight. Everyone dies one day, and loses the fight of life. Everyday we're fighting. Sometimes, we win, sometimes we lose. The measure of a warrior is not in how many times he falls, but how many times he stands up."
"You don't know what its like for me, damn it, you've just met me, you don't know."
I felt his hands move past my knees, sliding on my skin until he stopped at my thighs.
"You don't know."
"Know what?"
"About me, my life, all the shit I've been through."
"What've you been through.."
I smiled a smile that wasn't really that, happy. More like, bitter. What could I say? I've hated myself only because everyone else hates me? That I've wondered why I was even born, what I was born for, to live a life of just being laughed at and teased, mocked for just being born as what I am, part youkai, part human, a monster of a kid. Just some little girl wanting friends other than the same kid she's seen everyday of her life. Not knowing anything about how evil and fucked up people are, in the end, I had to find out the hard way, being alone, always alone in this, this life, no one else like me to understand it all, just wanting to know why, why…
Damn it. A tear welled up in my right eye and when I tried to blink it away it rolled down my cheek. "See?" I laughed, "I'm weak."
And scared.
Tsozen's hand went away from my thigh to wipe away the tear. He looked at me, trying to get me to look back. But I didn't. I stared at a leaf on the floor that had blown in with the wind. It was quiet.
"Maybe that's why I'm not so comfortable in my body. Because I hate it. I hate the blood in it, I hate these eyes, this hair, everything. Somedays I've just thought of bein a soul, y'know, just a soul, no body, no nothing, just me, Kikyou, and maybe, maybe everyone would see me better that way, the real me, past all the bloodlines and mixed-breed bullshit, just me," I just let it all pour out of me, it was better to talk than to stay quiet and let the tears speak for me, "I just always wanted someone there who showed me, instead of just showing me some kinda comfort and saying its gonna be okay, just showing me to love who I am, to like me, to just-"
Tsozen was stroking my hair now, watching my every move, his other hand still on my thigh, but I didn't care, I didn't care anymore, I just wanted so much from everybody, from myself.
"I just don't know anymore…" I said, and he leaned toward me and pressed his lips on my cheek, then on my lips, and I just closed my eyes and sat there and let him show me, let Tsozen, this stranger from the Ryukyu islands, who wanted to be a samurai, teach me.
I felt his tongue, the same tongue I felt on my palm, sliding over my lips, pushing until it found a way into my mouth and I felt a feeling I've never felt before, between my legs, a dampness that I thought was urine, but it stayed there, just in the spot where my flower is, a warm feeling, like hot lightning, but moving slow. His tongue kept moving against mine in some kind of rhythm, and I wanted it to keep going, his hands moved up to my breasts, he rubbed them and I felt like dying, he put a hand on my lower back and pulled me closer to him and I felt something else, something hard poking me in my thigh, and his mouth went to my neck, kissing and sucking me there like he did my hand and I just let a quick moan out. This was what I didn't know before, this was the feeling, and he told me, while we kept kissing and touching, his hand slid up the inside of my thigh and I knew it then, I reached up and moved my hands over his chest and saw markings there. I stopped and stared at it, it looked almost like a dragon's tail, in an arc, I opened his lapel up more to see his whole chest and it was a dragon, in a circle, with symbols all around, and he stood still there while I looked.
My eyes went to his and we both stared at each other for a long time, and the look in his eyes was something like mine, I knew it had to be, and just then I realized that both of us had a life harder than most.
He kissed me again, and held me close to him. "This body," he breathed out in my ear, "is nothing to be ashamed of, or anything to hate…it's a song, of strength, of yearning, of ability, of pain, of triumph, of everything that makes the perfect woman. The strength of a tiger and the timidity of a bird, everything is as it should be, Kikyou-chan…"
The way his hand ran up my leg, the deepness of his voice, the darkness in his eyes, I knew he meant every word, it wasn't like earlier when we were in that lake when he was flashing that smile, the look he gave me, the way his eyes looked over my whole body, the way he handled it, the way he looked in my eyes, I just knew it, deep down, that he was looking into me and staring at my soul. And my soul was staring right back at him.
"Tell me what happened to you," I whispered between us kissing.
"They cursed me, they killed my father," he kissed me again, "and they used me as a sacrifice for power, they worshipped this dragon, they made me lie there, just a boy, lie there and they offered me to this statue, this dragon Shun'ei, and I thought it would kill me, I was unconscious there for days, they left me there to die.
"But I awoke," while he told me this he kept touching me, kissing me, breathing hard and trying to tell his story at the same time, "with these markings on my chest, Shun'ei branded me, it owns me, it fuels my resentment, my revenge and I can't rest or stop until I receive it, so I'm always fighting, always searching, for those people who did this to me, to my life…"
Finally, he stopped and laid his forehead against mine and we both stayed there, struggling to catch our breath, spent, exhausted.
My whole body felt like it was floating around the room, like it was everywhere and in that one spot at the same time, and that was the moment I wanted, for my soul and my body to be the same, and Tsozen made that happen. I was me, and he saw me for what I am, weak, afraid, strong, hurt, confused, nervous, he saw it all and put his arms around me and held my body in his hands and treated my mind and my body like the most amazing things he would ever see in his life…and I just wanted that night to last forever.
A/N: Yes, I recently had the urge to just finish up this chapter, partly because I didn't feel like breaking my brain to work on a certain short story I've been forcing myself to complete. As you may already know, this was a chapter exploring Kikyou and her insecurities, which don't get much air time because she is always too adamant to address them, I took the time to pick her brain for this very rewarding chapter. The outright sexuality of it all may be slightly disturbing, i.e., her "looseness" at allowing some man she has just met to get so far, but this was really a chapter that was more spiritually inclined, it flows like water, its something natural, two people bonding, human beings are attuned to each other, society is the only foolish barrier that separates us from doing what our hearts and minds call out for us to do. Kikyou was let free to reign in her cloistered sensuality, something that young teenage women struggle with when they don't develop as quickly as others. I wanted to just allow Kikyou-chan to be a normal teenage girl, a normal human being, and for you all to witness such an intimate thing.