Chapter Twelve: Here
... ...
I didn't know we'd been traveling for that long, being carried while unconscious; of course, yeah I was the only one knocked out but hell I had a good enough reason to after takin' a sorry assbeating from some jerk off runnin' around in costume pretendin' to be a ninja.
I don't like to think about everything that happened that night. After everybody came to get me and Nii-san from that cave and I finally felt Oka-san's arms around me my whole body just gave up, I could rest, I could sleep. I remember feeling the warmth of her clothes on my face, my Oka-san's body, and I fell right to sleep. I had a lot of nightmares in that darkness, flashbacks to getting beat in the face with the sheathe of a sword over and over, seeing my own blood pouring from my mouth like from a waterfall, Nii-san screaming and begging for us to be let go… Haruka's laughing. I don't even wanna think about it anymore.
When I woke up the first thing I saw was Miroku leaning over me, dabbing at my face with a wet cloth that smelled strong of some kinda herb. I could tell by the way he looked-like he was cringing at the sight of me-he was worried. That was clear from his scrunched up eyebrows so I figure I musta looked pretty banged up. He didn't even notice I was awake until I completely opened up my right eye, the left I couldn't open at all because it was covered by something soft.
"You're awake," he said, raising his eyebrows up high. "I was on duty to see to your wounds this time. How are you feeling?"
He sat back to give me some room and I tried to sit up but fire burned under my skin and I wasn't movin anywhere no time soon. "Don't, you're not fully healed yet. You still have to recuperate. It's been a long time since I've seen you conscious."
Miroku smiled that smile he gives when he tries to cheer people up. It didn't work this time. I just looked at the wall next to me and the straw scattered everywhere on the floor around me.
"Is she up yet?"
I turned my head (even that hurt like hell) to see my Oto-san standing in the doorway of the hut we were all in, tall and wearing his dark-red hinezumi-no-koromo, worried looking like Miroku. He stood stock still when he saw me staring back at him and I figure he had some kind of sentimental moment like he was thinkin' back to the day I was born, when I first opened my eyes when he held me in his arms or some crap like that. At first I was scared he was gonna start cryin all over the place or something, but he just took a moment to get himself together and he was back to old Oto-san again I guess.
"How're ya feelin'?" he kneeled down next to me practically shoving Miroku out the way but he sorta understood and didn't say anything about it. I remember when I was getting the snot beat out of me that I thought during that time that I really wish I could see Oto-san again, to be right in front of him and tell him a lot of things I haven't said that I've felt all this time. In the heat of everything there's a lot of things people think of doing that they normally wouldn't. It makes sense you know, I hear about guys that come back from war and they prayed to Buddha and the spirits and everybody to let them get back safely and they pledge their life to be a faithful servant and live their life right and all that, then they never end up doin it. That's how I felt lookin at Oto-san, right in his eyes that were the same as mine, or mine the same as his, the guy who helped make me. I didn't feel anything looking at his long white hair, thank god I didn't inherit that, or his weird ears twitchin all over the place on top of his head, thank god I didn't get those freak shows either, ears I remember playin with when I was a kid, squeezing them and he would get mad but he'd never yell at me, not at his pup.
"Kikyou? Are you ok?"
I could hear the concern in his voice and I stayed staring at him while I thought all this. I didn't know what to say, or maybe I just couldn't say it. I tried to, I guess I didn't try hard enough or I didn't want to. I don't know what I wanted to do right then. Cry? I cried so much that other night already, I cry anymore and I'll turn to dust. So I just turned my head away from him and didn't say anything, just stared at the wooden wall in front of my face.
"What's wrong?"
"I think she just needs time Inuyasha, they both went through a lot, you can see that from just how badly-"
"Dammit. I shoulda been there."
"It isn't your fault, it isn't our fault, neither of us could have known what was going to happen," Miroku lowered his voice more but I still could hear, I'm part youkai for cryin out loud. "We can't always protect them, we knew that as soon as we started this journey and that's something we have no control over. They must learn themselves, like you, Kagome, Sango and I did. Even Shippou. We all had lives that weren't easy…"
"That's bullshit. Isn't that what havin a kid is about? Isn't all of what bein a parent is is about makin sure your kid has a better life'n yours? Even if we can't protect em its our job to go past what we can't do! So it is our fault! Don't be a bitch about it Miroku and take it like a goddam man. I could see Shippou getting off easy but don't bring us into the fuckin pity parade because we all fucked up and these kids gotta deal with it."
I didn't wanna hear any more of that shit. I had to get outta there.
"I didn't send my son in there to face death," Miroku's voice got sterner and I heard him get to his feet. God, you could cut the tension in this little hut with a knife.
"Inuyasha…" Great, I knew I smelled something familiar, the scent of Oka-san, I was just too busy layin here listenin to these two dumbasses go back and forth and my Oto-san spewing nonsense. She musta just got here.
"Sure ya did! We all did! We sent em to war like pigs to the slaughter! And we didn't even think twice about it, talkin about it's their fate! It's our fate to be good parents to em, to keep shit like this from happenin to my pup!"
"Inuyasha, please enough-"
"Do not start to question fate, Inuyasha, you know as well as anyone that it cannot be toyed with or altered if that was even the case we all wouldn't be here at this time and neither of us would have even heard of Kagome."
"Watch it…" Oto-san snarled.
"What's happening in here?" Sango too? What is this a goddamn family reunion? If these people keep goin on I'm just gonna muster up whatever strength I got left in my body and just walk right outta here, I'd rather die alone than be surrounded by this bullshit.
"What's happening is Inuyasha desires the power of gods and to sequester his daughter in a fantasy life where everything is happiness and sunshine instead of being responsible and raising a responsible woman who doesn't run from her problems and faces them, as she should."
"Miroku, stop it, the both of you."
"You're gonna tell me how to raise my kid? And who taught you how to rear your child? Was it the monk who was always drunk off his ass or the father you only knew for seven or eight years?"
"Inuyasha!"
Both of their spiritual energy is raging out of control and I hear some scuffling, Miroku was probably pushed off the edge and tried grabbing Oto-san and he pushed him off or something.
"Stop it! Stop!" Sango shouting.
"Inuyasha, don't!"
I hear that familiar sound, Oto-san's hand grabbing the hilt of Tetsusaiga.
"You haven't changed at all, in all these years you're still ignorant and childish. Kikyou and Kohaku both have to face what fate has placed before them, they have to grow in this way. And you, you most likely thought that after everything that happened with Naraku, we were all going to live a carefree life, like that could be possible for all of us. That we were all going to play house together. Or you wanted to make yourself believe it.
"You think I like the sight of my son beaten and defeated? You think Sango and I sit giddy waiting for him to fail at something, waiting for the both of them to experience what we had to experience so we could have the masochistic delight of teaching them the hard way about our life? We do not have a choice, Inuyasha! We have never had a choice! Not with Naraku, not with Maburoshi and not with any other demon that tries to kill us all for reasons that cannot readily be explained! That is our fate! We have abilities for a reason, we were all brought together here for a reason! Do not entertain the idea that we can protect these children at the expense of all these lives that are depending on us! Because sooner or later, no matter how hard you try to protect her…fate will find her. If she doesn't go forward to it, she will be forced to flee from it. And I don't know what you are doing but Sango and I are raising a man that will not run away from his responsibilities and will realize that because of who he is, he cannot have everything he wants and he cannot do anything he damn well pleases. This is our reality. You know that. Kagome knows, as well as my wife. Shippou too. You can sit there and blame yourself and all of us, or you can prepare her for the future ahead."
Nothing for a while. Then Oto-san's big mouth, "Or you can train your kid like he was supposed to be trained instead of teachin him some half-assed form of combat callin it somethin use-"
He got cut off by one of the hardest hits to the face I ever heard in my life, I even had to turn my head around to see who dealt him that one. Sango. Damn. I wouldn't wanna get hit by her anyday. It was enough to throw Oto-san back a step and Oka-san just put a hand to her face. Miroku was a little surprised but not that much considering how mad he was. I think Oto-san was the most shocked though, him and Sango were good comrades. Now I don't even know what's goin on with everybody.
"Don't ever talk about my father's technique. He taught it to me and my brother, I won't stand here and let you dishonor them both in one breath," Sango barely said any of that above a mumble, it caught me off guard now too. The way she stood there staring at Oto-san, I never want her staring at me like that. By the look on his face I guess he didn't want her to look at him like that either. I didn't even want her lookin at him like that, I didn't want any of this happening. Don't they give a damn that I'm right here? Doesn't that matter? If not, then I'm gone. None of these morons know anything about raising kids.
I ignored everything, my whole body went numb and moved on its own, sitting up, standing, walking out the hut. Time just stopped all around me.
"Kikyou? No, lie back down, you're hurt you can't walk…"
Leave me alone Oka-san.
"Kikyou…"
"I'm sorry, Kikyou, this, we didn't plan all this, we didn't mean…"
Oto-san, Sango, shut the hell up. I'm walkin outta here and you can all kill each other for all I care. I don't even look at them when I move past Oka-san and out the doorway.
I don't even recognize where I am when I get outside until I stop a couple of yards away from the crazy hut to look around for a second. Ramshackle huts everywhere, a giant fence made of tree trunks out in the distance surrounding the whole place, the smell of petrified demon bones and weapons laid against the sides of huts all over, I know this place. Tajiya-no-Sato.
… …
"Kohaku-san! Kohaku-san!"
At first I didn't believe it when I woke up. My first thought was that the ninja never did spare my life and I really was dead. My second was that if I wasn't dead, I was surely dreaming. The thought never crossed my mind that this was actually possible, that I was…home.
"Kohaku-san! Is it true you defeated one hundred demons already with just your mind?"
"No, no! Sango-sensei said he did it with his bare hands! Super-strength!"
"Kohaku-san, is it true Kirara is the actual leader of the whole group of legendary warriors?"
"No, that's impossible you idiot! Kirara's just an animal!"
"She's still strong!"
"Kohaku-san, tell us everything about your journey!"
The last time I was here the children of the village were a lot smaller. And there's a lot more children than I recall, new additions to the village I'm sure, things have changed. One thing that hasn't is that they've never stopped seeing me as the hero of Tajiya-no-Sato, the one aspect that should have changed a long time ago. As I look at all their smiling faces- some missing teeth-I feel back at home, but undeserving of a hero's welcome. I'm far from defeating Maburoshi with a blink of an eye and much farther from being a hero.
The hopeful expressions on their faces as they looked up at me apparently in awe almost depressed me in a way, but only for a second. Being out there with everyone had taken such a toll on my psychological health that it caused some concern in me, that just one night had altered my whole perception on life, one fight had caused the smile that now came upon my face to be forced…These children, future warriors themselves, what will happen to them when they become my age? I think about what they'll go through, how they naively look to war as something noble when it's so much more difficult than that, and we here in this village that my grandfather once led, teach them to be ignorant of real battle, to go into it flailing about blindly. Now that I think of it, I was once in this crowd of children huddling around my legs, pulling on my robes.
"Tell us, Kohaku-san!"
Yes, tell them Kohaku-san. Tell them how you begged for your life under the foot of another man, how you pleaded with your face in the dirt and your eyes filled with tears, tell them! How could my emotions have changed so much so quickly? W-what's wrong with me? Just a second ago I was smiling with these children and now I can't even speak. What do I tell them of? What glory?
"Yeah, Kohaku-saaaaan tell them of your greatness!"
I know that voice. I trained with that voice, that voice got me reprimanded by Haha-ue many, many times. I turn to the direction it came from to see him dressed in tattered kimono of a simple blue cotton fabric tied with a white sash, his hands wrapped in white tape along with his ankles, black hair wild and untamed. Yes, that is Ichiro, of course, the wild hair would give him away if he hid amongst dozens of people. And who should I see him leaning his arm on the shoulder of but-
"Yes, my little brats! The Takei brothers have arrived! No need for applause, simply bow at our feet for Ichiro and-!"
"Saito! Ichiro!" I shouted, beside myself. I hadn't seen them since they left the village for a special assignment, a year before we all set out on our journey. They had been sent because they were in fact the top tajiya-in-training. Every form of youkai-slaying they had excelled at immensely. While I had trouble attempting to lift a sword, the Takei brothers lifted one in each hand. I stumbled in kata while they had memorized enough stances of defense and attack formations they could go on missions with the adults when they were barely fifteen. Back then it surprisingly hadn't discouraged my mother that I was such a poor slayer of youkai, being the son of the leader of the village. She attributed it to the spirit of my Oji-san that she's convinced lurks within me. She always said I was so much like him, being terrible at harming any living thing. I am her son and I know she will always love me more than anything, fighting even, but in the case of tajiya work, the Takei brothers were her pride and joy as well as my close friends.
"Kohaku-san! We shall rescue you from these little termites that have infested the ground before you!" Ichiro grinned, wading through the children and putting a strong arm around my neck. He was the strongest of the two, more boastful, louder and prouder. Still, there was not a person in the village who ever had a problem with him, except for a few delinquents and only because he was appointed as the mediator for such students that should ever get out of control.
"I've got your back my dear brother! Away with you children, Kohaku-san needs to be taken for more serious questioning and we need not be bothered with such ridiculous questions!" Saito proceeded to make his way through the crowd of small bodies as well "Is Kirara really the leader of the legendary Inu-tachi…of course she is, silly little girl! Don't you know?" He laughed as he ruffled the girl's hair.
Saito inherited much of his traits from his older brother and not much was different between them other than the fact that he excelled at more stealth combat on account of his agile figure, less stronger than Ichiro, but always faster. When we were all children whenever there was a village race some of us didn't even want to compete because we all knew Saito would win anyway. Although he favored stealth above all tactics he had a tendency to lean toward wearing brightly colored kimonos for some reason, 'to stand out' he would say, which never failed to try my Haha-ue's patience. Not one to disappoint, he walked up to me in an orange kimono with a dark blue sash and orange wristbands. While Ichiro's hair was straight but wild, Saito's was tame and curly; the girls of the village would swoon for his hair but also Ichiro's strength. If they could have rolled them both in one I'm sure they would have.
Saito finally made it to where Ichiro and I stood and put a slightly smaller arm around my shoulders as well. "Let's go, brave adventurer, there are questions we have in mind that must be discussed at once!"
"Yeah, if you thought we were just gonna give you a friendly hug and be on our way you are sadly mistaken, comrade," Ichiro chimed in, steering me toward the exit of the village.
The children shouted and cheered all at once, a confusion of come backs and yay kill the youkai Takei-sans, and I laughed sincerely for the first time in several days. "No Ichiro, I didn't think that would happen, let's go then!"
With that we left the village while the children gathered to see us off at the gate, the guards in the tower posts that let up the gate greeted us all merrily and we walked off to the part of the forest where we had assembled three rocks in a circle of a small clearing as children. It had taken me a long time to move my rock and I looked at it for a moment with nostalgia before I sat down and smiled at the Takei brothers sitting across from me. They were much more grown than I remembered them to be. I felt like I had barely developed and they soared past me, Ichiro already with facial hair and Saito taller, while I am still the weak boy I left this village as. I felt like time had cheated me. I left thinking I would return a symbol of strength and masculinity, the Takei brothers had always teased me light-heartedly with the fact that I was always behind in growth than everyone else, and they would still tease me. I had trained so hard and battled so much and still they remained one step ahead…twice as tall, twice as strong. I tried to shake the thoughts out of my head and focus on the present.
Once I sat they immediately began with a question not about where I had gotten so many bruises that covered my face or how far we had gotten on our journey to defeat Maburoshi, not even close.
"So Kohaku, how far have you gotten with Kikyou, huh?" Ichiro asked with an expression that seemed so regular I would have thought I heard wrong if it wasn't Ichiro and Saito I was talking to.
"W-wha…?"
"He doesn't understand the question," Saito said to his brother, then turned to me, "we mean, have you fucked yet?"
"What?"
"He still doesn't understand?" Ichiro asked Saito, "what, did you get your hearing knocked out of you too?"
"I come home after months of battle all battered, I haven't seen the both of you in almost two years and the first thing you ask me is that?" I leaned forward, unable to control myself.
What kind of q-question is that? How f-far with Kikyou? She's barely recovered from all that she went through and all they ask is that? About her? And me?
"Come on, we know you both have this thing where you call each other brother and sister, and we think it could be kinda dirty…" Ichiro begins, Saito shaking his head behind him, "but you've been out with each other for a long time and you're not really brother and sister, which makes what you call each other really dirty, and you sleep in almost the same place, you've had to at least seen her naked!"
"You've fucked right? Just say it, Ichiro's making it all weird but you've fucked, that's the end of the story right?" Saito rambles, moving in front of Ichiro closer toward me.
I shake my head as hard as I can without harming my brain. No! "No! And I don't appreciate that you ask me this-"
"Okay then you've at least felt her right? You've had to done at least that."
"Or did you just suck her br-"
"NO!"
They both sat back in defeat. "Aw, c'mon Kohaku, you're still a virgin? You're eighteen winters already! All the girls in this village alone would pay to fuck you and you-"
"She's my Imoutou-chan and it's-it's only been several days that we've been here, she's not even recovered yet! I-I-I refuse to talk about this, I haven't done anything with her and I never will! I'm a monk! Now she went through a lot before we got here and so have I if you haven't noticed before you started talking about smut!" I shouted.
Saito and Ichiro both hung their heads in unison and I almost felt sorry for them. I forgot how perverted they could be, there have been countless times since we all became of age that they've asked me about Imoutou-chan. They have no idea what happened and my emotions haven't been the most concrete lately, even though they brought up s-s-something deplorable like that, it doesn't give me the right to take my anger out on them. They are my friends after all, and when we were children they always made sure to keep a close eye on me.
"Well, what happened?" Saito asked softly.
"I don't want to talk about it," I quickly answered, looking away from them toward the path leading to the village that can easily be seen through the trees.
It was cold, I just took notice that snow covered the ground and the trees were like pillars of ice around us, yet none of us showed any signs of weakness, not around each other we were taught better than that. No weakness. Words briefly flash across my mind.
You're pathetic.
I close my eyes and clench my teeth.
"We lost our uncle Mutaito on that mission, you know…" I hear Ichiro say through the darkness.
I opened my eyes and looked at he and Saito and they returned my gaze. Mutaito? He was their surrogate father when both their parents died in battle, they were just infants then. They died trying to protect me, the whole village knew it, but not once did either Ichiro or Saito blame me for their parents' deaths. In fact, they treated me as their parents had.
"Takei-san…I'm sorry," I murmured, unable to say anything else.
Ichiro grinned, showing his teeth. "Don't worry about it. He died a great tajiya, doing what we're all meant to do, he died a warrior. He was an honorable man."
Saito smiled in agreement.
Looking at the both of them smiling in the aftermath of death made me question it even more, question war. They celebrated their own uncle having his life taken from him all for the sake of glory, they were happy because they were taught to be happy and be proud to lose a loved one in battle. Why do we do this to ourselves in this time? Because we have no other choice but to cope with the sadness of endless war by adding prestige to a death that is caused by it? What are we all teaching ourselves and each other? This isn't preparation, this is madness.
But I don't say so, I can't bring myself to say anything about it. It's like I can't even recount it, bring it to the surface again. Everything that happened. I wonder if I should tell them of Sayuri… I reach into the folds of my robes and touch the note, the second time I've done this since I left her, also the second time I've thought of her since then, why haven't I thought of her more often? The incident of the other night clouds my mind with…sadness I suppose.
Shame.
"…beat him to a pulp. Right, Kohaku?"
"Hm?" I look up to Saito and Ichiro's smiling faces with one of confusion. Had I really been thinking so deeply?
Saito dropped his grin. "What's wrong with you? You go away for a while and everything's different about you," he says, leaning toward me from his place on the rock.
"Well not everything, you're still as frail a kid as when you left. Just less happy or fun. Like you've been through hell. But haven't we all…" Ichiro muttered with his teeth clenched and stood up abruptly, crossing his arms above us both. The sun was invisible behind the snow slowly falling all around us and I could feel the chill of the air begin to seep into my skin. "I knew when you left nothing would be the same with us anymore, you know, we're not gonna be together anymore like we were when we were kids and life was simple. Me and Saito can't protect you…like we couldn't protect our Oji-san."
A silence spread over us with those words, like the prayer of a burial that I hadn't been around to witness. I knew Ichiro wouldn't cry in front of us, the three of us men now, warriors, but I could tell that he wanted to. Nothing could be said in response, his was an ending statement that spoke volumes in just a few sentences. I wanted to close my eyes in reverence and to allow Ichiro a moment to himself without our stares upon him but I first looked toward Saito to see his reaction; a guilty urge. He only sat there with his hand over his mouth and nose, his cheeks red from cold and a blank stare that gave off no emotion. Had we ever talked of emotions or feelings before? I can't remember a time where we relaxed around one another that much, not in this village of fighters. Saito was always the softer one, but never did I see emotion, only-
"Hey, what about the time when we both went and swam naked in the lake down by the horse-sheds, Sango-sensei told us to stay out of there, we went in there so many times and the last time it was our last warning but we went anyway because it was hot as hell outside and we left our clothes on the bank right, and Jiden, we beat him up the other day for teasing that girl, the Shimano girl, and Jiden got back at us by stealing our clothes," Ichiro pretended to not pay attention, still looking off beyond the trees, "so we had to run naked and we were scared shitless that somebody would catch us and Kohaku," Saito pointed to me, "Kohaku told us before we did it not to, but there we were running around with our asses out when we hear old man Yusuke coming to feed the horses so we just run outta there and straight to the back of Kohaku's house and jump through his window naked and you got scared! You got scared but you just took one look at us for a second and we didn't even have to say anything, we were too scared to say anything, you already knew and got some of your clothes and let us wear them and we just put em on and you kept watch, looking into the hall outside your room with your head peeking out the shoji and we got dressed and your clothes were too small for us but it was better than nothing," he laughed then, "so with our asses hanging out the bottom of the kimonos we jumped right back out your window and ran home as fast as we could, we ran so fast Ichiro actually kept up with me-"
"And even when Sango-sensei asked you about it you never told," Ichiro finished with a smile on his face. Saito looked up at him and returned it with a somber smile of his own.
Then they both looked to me and I found myself feeling a small fire being lit inside me that melted the cold flakes of snow that settled all atop my body and the sides of my mouth moved on their own until I felt the smile and the certain knowledge that comes of being able to have the chance to sit and forget the present and the future for just the moment of living, seeing friends again for the first time in what seemed like years, returning from a war not to be ridiculed about weakness but welcomed warmly.
That incident was when we had only started being comrades. As a child I was always the silent boy, the sensei's son. The other children stayed away from me to avoid causing me trouble although I noticed their envy of my status of the "favored" student. When the Takei brothers began to keep me company I was both elated and afraid, happy because if they were my friends as they suggested it would keep them from beating me and afraid because I had no idea why they wanted to befriend me and thought that perhaps it could have been because they wanted to get close enough to me to beat me. I tried my hardest to stay on their good side. When they showed up before me, naked as the day they were born, it actually scared me to the point where I thought I would get into trouble if I participated in any misconduct they had gotten themselves into and I was at risk of being beaten from their rage at my failure to help them. They never had any idea that I only helped them because I was afraid of them.
My smile receded. As I watched them both demonstrating their new techniques I hardly gave any advice or compliments at all. Were these men ever really my friends in the beginning? Am I such a coward that I'd rather befriend someone than fight them? I looked down at the snow at my feet. How was I ready for war, what man hides from every challenge, every chance to show my cowardice I took in my life up until now. What use am I? Ever since I was a child I've been a scared boy! Admiring others for their bravery, fearing others powers…While they dared to break the rules I was afraid to even bend them.
What do they see when they look at me? A coward. A…pathetic coward.
I rose up suddenly and the Takei brothers stopped arguing over which kata was best to defend against a centipede demon to look at me.
"What's goin Kohaku-san?" Ichiro asked.
"Let's go, kumite," I answered, looking him in the eyes.
"What? Why?" Saito seemed confused.
Ichiro looked to his brother, then me again, apparently in shock. "Kohaku-san…you remember last time-"
"That was a long time ago," I cut him off, tying up the sleeves of my robes, "I'm ready now. We're not children anymore."
Saito stepped forward, "What is all this coming from? You don't have to prove anything Kohaku-san, that was only some useless kata we learned on our mission, it's completely opposite when you're fighting the real thing, you know?"
I was only focused on Ichiro's eyes. My gaze was unwavering and I placed myself in the ready stance. At first it was as though he was surprised by the determination in my eyes, but soon he recognized it and he would not shame me by denying my challenge. The initial look of shock was replaced by his own eyebrows drawing closer together and his eyes narrowing. He clenched his fists and held them inches from his face, preparing a battle stance.
"You guys can't be serious. C'mon Ichiro, Kohaku-san is only joking! Right, Kohaku-san?"
Ichiro did not make the first move and I quickly found myself growing more impatient by the second. If he won't make the first move, I will. I rushed toward him blindly, thrusting a fist in the direction of his torso as I rushed him but he merely twisted his hips and completed basic footwork to dodge the attack which I followed up with a swift roundhouse directed toward his head that he was taken aback by so much so that he could only block it rather than dodge and he was also startled by the force I had placed behind the kick, as if I were truly trying to harm him. I am focused on defeating him. Nothing more and nothing less. I countered again with a flurry of punches, Ichiro began to have trouble keeping up with the evasive way he was handling the kumite and it was not long before one of my punches connected with his cheek. His eyes widen with the strength of the hit that snaps his head to one side. I do nothing more than assume a defensive stance.
It takes Ichiro a moment to recuperate from the blow, but when he does turn back to me I know he has abandoned evasion. It is a real fight now. I feel his aura rising out of anger and his brow furrows more. He rushes to attack. I'm surprised at how I am not filled with fear at the sight of his large frame rushing toward me. I only feel anger. I rush to him as well and we meet in a clash of blind throws and I flail around to land more strikes to his body. I have to win, I must win! Ichiro simply blocks my every hit and anticipates my every move and in return he delivers crucial blows to my body: my ribs, my face, chest. With every attack I try out of anger he only regards it with a calm that comes from knowing that he cannot be beat by the opponent he faces.
As I struggle, out of breath and ragged with blood running from my broken gums down the side of my chin the words of the ninja fill my head again: "You're pathetic."
I cry out and rush at Ichiro again with my eyes shut, I can't be weak, I can't be! Because of my weakness I was unable to protect Kikyou! Because of my weakness I have never been a true man! People will always step on me, regard me as a non-threat, be ashamed of me! Instead of protecting anyone I have to be protected because I am weak! But I can't be!
My fist collides with Ichiro's palm, his hand almost wrapping around mine, stopping my attack short. I can feel his eyes on me but I refuse to open mine. I can't look him in the face. I lost. I have nothing left, no more energy, and I only landed one blow by luck. I felt disgraced, like nothing, worthless.
"Kohaku-san, you know, it's nothing. You're just out of real tajiya practice, you know?" I felt Ichiro letting go of my hand and opened my eyes to look at the ground while hot tears sprung up in my eyes. Now I was crying like a woman. "We can just do some more sparring matches, alright? That's what you came back here for, that's why you're here."
"I'm here because I'm weak. And I couldn't protect my Imoutou-chan. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm here!" I growled through my clenched teeth, still with my eyes on the ground. How could I look either of them in the eye as a man? I walked away from them then, without saying anything more, ignoring them as they called after me and only looking ahead of me as I blinked away tears that held images of Kikyou's battered face, bloody and bruised. And I was supposed to be her protector? I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I wanted to bury myself in the snow and die slowly from the cold and be reincarnated into a man worthy of my Haha-ue's pride as son of the leader of Tajiya no Sato, worthy of protecting Kikyou, strong enough to challenge the Takei brothers.
... ...
I always kinda hated Tajiya no Sato, even though I liked coming because Nii-san lived here, and Sango and Miroku too, but the people never stopped looking at me with that goddamn sideways look. Ever since I was a kid, it didn't even matter that Sango was the leader of the village, or that my Oto-san saved their asses and made it so they could even have their little fuckin village, they still treated me like a disease. I don't know why I forgot or thought it would be any different. While I walked by the huts all bandaged up, only able to see outta one eye and limping like a damn leper they didn't change, even after all these years it was still the same shit. The parents wouldn't allow their kids to go near me, they gave me weird stares, the whole nine. And I even kinda grew up knowing these people. Didn't want anything to do with it, already had enough in the crazy hut so I just went right outta the village, not causing any trouble, not wanting to threaten their fuckin way of life, pardon me assholes I'm just here barely alive after an ass kicking fighting to make sure a demon doesn't come and kill all you weak ass mortals. When I got to the gate they even wanted to act like they didn't wanna raise the gate at first, and I shot a look up to the guards at the post. One of em leaned over to whisper in the other guy's ear and he gave the signal to the guy to lift the gate and it went up and I was gone.
It probably wasn't best for me to go out in the cold by myself barely able to walk and shit, but I didn't really know what else to do, or think. It was surprisingly quiet just outside the village, usually there's tajiyas in training practicing drills or kata, a random string of merchants or some renegade samurai wandering around who tried to be sneaky but I could always spot em a mile away because they made so much damn noise. This time it was just me and the snow. For the first time ever my mind was blank just like it. And it wasn't only what happened with the ninja and Haruka in that cave, the coming back to Tajiya no Sato and still getting treated like shit did it too, along with the whole fight thing that went on in the hut. Everything just seemed so fucked up…
Once I was out the range of eyesight of the drawbridge assholes in the village I leaned my head back a bit and sniffed the air some to see what was around and take in the smell of the outside. Whenever I was in the village or around regular mortals, when I was a kid, I'd wait till nobody saw till I did stuff that I can only do with my youkai blood, like use my good sense of smell or jump up 50 meters in the air or even listen and hear something far away, I never wanted to give em a reason to treat me different. And even now, I was still doing it. I couldn't help it. Dammit, all this shit, all these fucking problems!
I started to run even though it burned my sides like hell and my legs felt like they started bleeding all over again. All I smelled was my own wounds. Guess the ninja hitting me across the head really did a number on my senses too. I could barely see straight. I manage to get pretty deep into the forest before everything starts to spin around and all of a sudden it's nighttime? I'm out before I even hit the ground.
I wake up looking at the sky, the snow icy cold against my back. I shiver and shake for a moment to get all the snow off my head. My body jolts up like waking from a bad dream. A moan slips out from my lips as I start to realize that everything hurts like hell and my head feels like it's being squeezed by something…ugh. Maybe I shouldn't have ever run off. What do I do here, I don't even know where the fuck I am right now, dammit. I try to look around but it's hard to see with just one eye so I reach up and angrily tear the bandage covering it off. I expect some kind of horrible disfiguring but I can open my eye just fine. Huh.
I look down at my hands and yeah, even some scrapes I had before are gone. "Hm!"
Heh, my body does pretty damn good! I just wish it would've been a little bit faster, like Oto-san, but I guess since I'm only a fraction of youkai…but still, better than nothing. Then all these emotions start to hit me outta nowhere. I can't help but sigh, looking down at my own hands, how great all these abilities I have are, how I can take the assbeating of a lifetime and still emerge unscathed, unburdened, like a phoenix. But nobody else sees any of that. All I've ever done was hide it. But I'm strong, not weak…
I balled my fists up and felt everything rushing into me, a numbness cascading over me almost, and pure anger towards those cowardly bastards who tied me up and took turns beating me. The stares from people who have known me all my life who still regard me with that same damn stare. I'm stronger than all of them, that's why they had to tie me down in order to even do anything to me! My nails started to dig into my palms the tighter I clenched my fists. They needed more than just one of them to even get to me in the first place! And humans, pure humans, I could cut them down in one swing if I wanted it. I felt a white hot sensation behind my eyes, my whole body was on fire now but cold at the same time, white hot, white hot to the touch I know it, like the snow melts around me or doesn't even touch me…everything starts fading away. I know I could do it. I could, I could, I could. My teeth clench and thin little streams of blood start leaking from my hands. Seeing the blood, I snap. That tainted blood, that ungodly blood. I blink and feel tears but I shake them away too. No. No, I can't. I sigh again and fall back into the snow, nothing but the sky and trees facing me, and suddenly I'm so small and nothing matters. I'll just forget about it for now. And tomorrow, or the next day, I'll be right back out there, still not knowing what the hell I'm doing…
A good amount of time passes before I smell Nii-san's scent in the air, getting stronger by the second. I kinda wanna open my eyes but I decide not to and enjoy my moment of solitude before he comes to screw it all up. Soon enough I hear his footsteps getting closer and then stop sudden when he notices me. I open my eyes and get blinded by the light then look at him as he sits down next to me all out of breath.
"Hey," I say, turning my head towards him but not moving.
He doesn't say anything back at first, doesn't even look at me. I can tell he's been crying or something. I smell it on him. Regarding him is always interesting to me. Sometimes he is completely oblivious to it, and I have the chance to just look at him and all his features, the way he carries himself, watch him while he sniffles and tries to wipe his face with his sleeve. Anyone else would be offended by this, but not him. I look over his eyes darting everywhere and his face just stoic, and the image of his face looking up at me in that cave that night flashes across my mind.
"You're—you're ok…" He sniffles through his words. "I'm…glad. I thought—"
"No. I'm still here." That sentence sounded like the most depressing, disappointed one I've ever heard in my life. And it was half right. Actually. And it just hit me.
He looks down at me immediately but I don't meet his gaze. I keep my eyes on the sky. "Yeah…We're still here."
Nii-san shifts and puts his head in his open palms, running his hands through his dark brown hair. "Why do we have to do this, why do we have to fight…we're not, we're not made for this!"
He raises his hands up in the air and goes on with his ranting and whining. "Humans aren't meant for this! We don't have fangs or claws, we're not supposed to kill! We're not supposed to fight…"
Oh, humans aren't the bad ones. So what am I? "I have claws. And fangs…" I mumble under my breath. Too low for him to hear. He's too busy with his own pity party. What else can we do but just keep going on? Sitting and complaining doesn't help, but for some reason, Nii-san sees it as his only way. I have these claws and fangs and I still can't protect myself. So what say you, Nii-san? We're both here. Just…here.
A/N: It's been a long time coming. But this author felt this concept of a story had something worth revisiting and completing. Hopefully someone sees it. Kohaku's character might seem much like a bit of a pushover and that was fully intentional. Before the new Inu-tachi began their journey, Kohaku grew up fairly spoiled by his parents sizable wealth. Miroku is excellent with handling money, Sango the leader of an entire village of slayers-for-hire, suffice it to say, their family came out very well off. Kohaku being slightly spoiled lends to the realism this author is trying to achieve. He is not as grounded as Kikyou is, as she comes from a family consisting of a hanyou who doesn't see value in coin, and a miko from a different time period who most likely never got the chance to learn the concept of finances from her parents. Kohaku's coming of age should be something greatly anticipated. Kikyou's slow revelation of her abilities on the other hand, is another plot in and of itself...
As always, reviews are valued.