Chapter Thirteen: Tajiya

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Because of the recent incidents, Haha-ue thought it best for Chichi-ue and I to remain home for the time being, allowing all of us a chance to recover and Inuyasha, Kagome and Imoutou-chan to retire to their home in Lady Kaede village as well. At least, that's what she told everyone else. But Chichi-ue and I knew her sole intention for our staying home. Of course, Haha-ue wanted desperately to check on the state of our home, check the gates, see what needs repairing, what the latest news is with the personnel and how many contracts we are fulfilling a day, if contracts have been accepted consistently and completed efficiently...mostly things she has been in control of ever since she rebuilt Tajiya-no-Sato as a young woman all on her own. Yes, she had Chichi-ue by her side to assist her in managing the finances because she hasn't ever been good with money, and as a sort of support for her through the trying times of theives infiltrating the village and other sorts of problems, but my Haha-ue, for the most part, singlehandedly restored the tajiya back to their former glory.

Haha-ue herself worked tirelessly to reestablish an entire lineage of warriors from mere memories, back to prominence. So her frustration with the fact that she, Sango, the great headwoman of Tajiya-no-Sato, has such a disgrace for a son, is understandable. When she was bandaging my wounds several days after my bout with the ninja in the cave that fateful night, in the beginning, I could feel she was extremely worried about me, the distress in her eyes said it all, and she was very gentle when moving me, but after a certain amount of days had passed and I was still bed-ridden, I was then able to sense her slight irritation with me.

"Your wounds have all but healed, Kohaku. And yet..." Haha-ue muttered as she changed out the bucket of water near my head, moving swiftly. I heard the water splash outside the shoji but didn't dare to turn my eyes from the wall opposite her. "Here you still are."

I didn't want to face her. I didn't want to face the disappointment in her eyes, or to feel the same disappointment in myself. Her words stood but her presence lingered next to me, waiting for me to explain myself, explain how I could have been so careless in battle, how I could have failed so miserably. Pathetic... After a time she left the room and I heard the shoji snap with her departure, and I knew what would come next after I rose from my place on the mat before her, so I decided to stop postponing the inevitable and rise up to go off on my own to collect my thoughts before Haha-ue could notice.

The real reason she wanted to spend some time home was to revisit my training in a proper setting. And what better setting than our village. Our home. Awakening to the sound of clashing steel and the collision of bones of our slain enemies was something I have done for as long as I can remember, it's as normal to me as the sound of the songbirds in the mornings. Even in our great domain, the headman's temple, less extravagant than the average but still not lacking in refinements and rooms, the sparring of our comrades would always wake me, even as a child. After a month or so of being out there, and after what happened...I welcomed the noise and clamor like an old friend.

I hope I am not misunderstood in some manner, because my Haha-ue is not some kind of tyrant, no, not at all! Not ruthless or anything! She is just-and always has been-very firm...with me about my training. From the time I could form complete sentences or even from the time I could walk, I recall Haha-ue showing me tajiya weaponry. She wasn't the perfect mother, especially since her own died when she was a child herself, so she had no one to teach her properly how to raise me. But she did her best. Chichi-ue has told me many stories of times she was lost on how to nurse me when I was sick and ran around frantically with Kirara picking the whole region free of its herbs. I know how much my Haha-ue cares for me, more than anyone else, she has told me on many occasions, even more than Chichi-ue. She has held me in her arms and stroked my hair, telling me with conviction that she would die for me. But she would prefer it not to ever come to that point, for me to live a strong life.

Chichi-ue has always been more lax with me. He has always said he is the water to Haha-ue's fire. When I felt useless after each lesson with Haha-ue when I would either add too much sage to the demon repellant or mistakenly injure one of our comrades, Chichi-ue would be there to assure me all was well and lift my spirits, make me laugh during mediatation by making foolish noises. At first Haha-ue enjoyed Chichi-ue's carefree attitude, yet after our discovery of the demon Maburoshi and his sole purpose to eliminate Imoutou-chan and I, she was less prone to laugh at any jokes about training. At times I would hear them arguing late into the night from my room, but it was very seldom. Still, before then, they had never disagreed on anything. I was sure back then that it was only my fault. I was the reason they were fighting. Some stupid, childish idea. One night I had resolved to run away from home, packed away some of my toys and a couple of Chichi-ue's ofuda while he slept, but I didn't get too far into the woods before a youkai-lizard startled me. How foolish of me to even go out alone as a child! By the time I tried to turn back it was already too late and the youkai pounced on me. The last thing I remember of that time was lying on the ground in a bed of ashes with one of the village guards looking down at me worried and the cries of Haha-ue and Chichi-ue screaming my name and the sound of the feet rushing toward me.

"Don't ever do that ever again, Kohaku! Do you understand?" Haha-ue grabbed my small arms with a grip tighter than the vice of a snake and shook me as the tears ran down her face and the bridge of her nose turned red. "Do you understand?!"

Chichi-ue knelt down beside her and wrapped his arm around her, kissing the top of her head gently and looking up at the dark, night sky above us. "It's alright now, my love... Calm down, darling. It's okay...no one is going anywhere, my love, I promise you that."

I'd never seen Haha-ue cry before then.

The brightness attacks me once I step outside and blinds me for a moment, making me close my eyes briefly and hold my hand above them until I become adjusted to it. Slowly my home at the height of the afternoon comes into view. Mothers go back and forth from hut to hut and emerging with different cured meats and bread, the small children run around playing while their mothers run errands. Some of them wave at me and follow me as I walk through. Elders and men alike bow as I pass by. That makes me the most uncomfortable...I don't deserve nearly the amount of praise they give me, or the respect even. Just because my mother is who she is, they immediately equate me with some sort of savior or-or...

I still just smile strangely at them. Sigh...at least these people don't look at me curiously when I act foolish and laugh randomly while rubbing my neck out of instinct. They've known me for all my life and know of my mannerisms by now. The only place where I feel the most free. Even the younger women here know how bad I am with conversation so they don't do anything to disturb me or make me nervous. All they do is smile when I walk by and that's all! As the sun beats down warmly on my face all I can do is grin and close my eyes and think that there's no place like Tajiya-no-Sato...

"Pick up the pace now!"

I open my eyes at the sound of Haha-ue's voice shouting out orders. I forgot that during the midday when the sun is at its hottest she likes to train the new recruits. While in full uniform. I've always hated those midday drills. I peek around the corner of a hut to see her back facing me with five rows of students before her, all of them gasping for air. The special leather of those uniforms don't do much good in this heat, and the sweat seems to be pouring from their faces enough to fill a small bucket but Haha-ue presses on.

"C'mon! There are no breaks in battle! You sit still this long against an actual demon and you're all as good as dead! Let's go! Evasive maneuvers!" She shouts with authority now. Even she has her uniform on but it doesn't affect her in the slightest, that's how perfect of a tajiya she is, and I don't think it's even fair that she holds her students to the same standards as her! Of course she can stand there in the hot sun with all her armor on and be fine, she's the best tajiya in history! And I'm just a failure... At her command the recruits jump up and force themselves to move their tired bodies swiftly through the movements. None of them want to end up getting on Haha-ue's bad side and have to hold small boulders in their hands until twilight.

One of the students, Yuki, noticed me suddenly and stopped to wave. No! I froze and knew what would come next. That girl just sealed my fate! You never stop in the middle of drills, everyone knows that!

"Yuki!"

Haha-ue shouted, causing Yuki's eyes to widen in fear. I should be the one afraid! Maybe I can sneak away without Haha-ue noticing... No such luck. She turned quickly to where Yuki had been waving and caught me attempting to sulk away unnoticed.

"Kohaku!" I close my eyes and sigh, looking at her through my bangs as I hang my head. She put her fists at her hips. "I see you've made a miraculous recovery! And just in time! Go on and get ready so you can show these boys and girls how its done!"

"You mean...now...?" I ask stupidly. Yuki and a couple of the other girls giggle.

Haha-ue doesn't find it very funny. Her eyes narrow and I can almost see a small bolt of lightning shoot straight from her pupils in my direction. "Yes, Kohaku. NOW."

"Okay!" I yelp, running in the direction of our home, now hating the day I was even born if only to avoid this!

I don't know why but I am a much better monk than I am a tajiya, and that's never seemed to sit well with Haha-ue. She says it's nice that I'm so attuned with the spirits and gifted in that way but its a passive way of life and not suited to heavy combat which we seem to get ourselves in. It's true, I find myself having to use a lot of my spiritual energy to subdue some of the demons we come across and it tires me quickly when with one swift toss of Hiraikotsu and she tears down ten of them at one time. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just can't seem to find the rhythm or remember the lessons or I don't know...maybe I'm just not her true son after all, that could be the only explanation!

I rush past Chichi-ue meditating in the shrine on my way to my room. "Your mother caught you I see..." he says calmly from his position on the floor.

"Yes, Chichi-ue..." I mumble defeated as I struggle to get into my tajiya uniform and right then I trip over myself and crash to the floor. That's going to leave a knot... "Any chance that I could possibly just stay here with you and meditate, pleeeasseee...?" I whine with my face pressed against the floor, my words barely coming out.

"What? So I could get in trouble with her too? I know my love and you know your mother, just-just do as she says Kohaku, no reason both of us have to face her wrath..."

I look in his direction and a groan escapes me. Chichi-ue always gets off easy... That's never been fair either. "Don't pout, Kohaku. You can meditate afterwards, we'll work on your chi control. But for now, do as your mother wishes, she's only wanting the best for you."

As I fasten my armor in place I barely accept that explanation in my state. Maybe that youkai lizard should've eaten me all those years ago. I gulp against a rock in my throat as I stand before Haha-ue again, with the class behind me, seated and resting. Haha-ue smiles at me and I know it's only because she loves seeing me in tajiya attire, that's the only reason. She has Hiraikotsu resting on her back shoulder, her hand clasped onto it. My heart is racing. She's going to use Hiraikotsu as her demonstrative weapon again...oh, great... I turn my head to look behind me at all the faces watching, waiting for me to humiliate myself. In front of all these people...

"Eyes up front, Kohaku." Haha-ue whispers bluntly. I straighten immediately. She looks at the row of students behind me. "Pay close attention, everyone! Kohaku and I are going to show you the proper technique for evading various attacks coming at multiple angles! This is something that you will one day encounter on the battlefield! Do not rule out..."

I don't know why she makes me do these things, why she makes me try to be a fighter, I am not as great a tajiya as you, or even as Oji-san... I can never be as good as you are Haha-ue, just accept that. I already have. I'm nothing but a pathetic loser. Who couldn't even protect Imoutou-chan, who begged for his life at the foot of another man. I'm no warrior. No matter how hard you try to mold me into one. I'm not... The uniform itches me, I'm already sweating, the armor is heavy, it's too tight, I'm so used to my monk garb, it's better for me to move in, not this constricting thing.

"Ready, Kohaku?" she whispers to me again. I snap out of my thoughts and sigh, raising my fists in my stance. "You'll do fine...just remember your training."

Her eyes stay on mine as she lifts Hiraikotsu and it eclipses the rays of the sun, casting a shadow down on me. But her eyes want to comfort me, and I want them to calm me like they always have, but it's different. And she seems to notice for a moment, because her eyebrows turn up and she seems sad looking at me, but her expression changes as she comes down with Hiraikotsu. I manage to dodge the first attack, and I can feel my heartbeat and my whole body shaking nervously as she jumps into the air and releases it with a powerful swing. It rotates toward me faster than I can see and I hesitate, then jump out of the way at the last second, rolling to safety as it collides into the ground behind me. She lands quickly and picks it up just as fast as she had thrown it and wields it, striking out at me from all angles. I try to telegraph her movements, use what I know about her, what I've learned watching her battle others, using my training, but she's so fast! I dodge most of her attempts and find my rhythm, surprisingly, but I'm still nervous, what if I make a mistake, I'm bound to make a mistake! I shift my position by strafing and she diverts her attack angle and I know exactly where she's going but my body, my stupid body! I move directly into the path of her attack, even though I knew where she was going to attack because she hasn't shifted her pattern at all! I see her eyes widen at the last second but it's too late, she didn't expect me to be so stupid as to move in the path of her attack but I do anyway and she's already committed to the action so she can't stop before Hiraikotsu hits me in the stomach and I slide backward into the dirt, my back hitting the ground and gravel flying into my face.

"Kohaku!" she cries out, her voice shaking. Above her footsteps running over to me I hear the whispering of the students who had seen everything, seen me make a fool out of myself. I try to brush the dust out of my eyes and Haha-ue looms over me with her hands out ready to coddle me in front of everyone and I hate myself now. Then the aftershock of the blow from Hiraikotsu finally hits me and instead of controlling it I sit up suddenly, causing Haha-ue to jolt back. Clutching my stomach, I try to hold back but I feel my insides lurching and before I know it I'm vomiting on the ground and that's when the whole class bursts into laughter.

Haha-ue's hand rubs my back gently. "I'm so sorry, Kohaku..."

I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and avoid her eyes.

"No. I'm sorry... I'm such a disappointment of a son." I barely manage to say it before scrambling to my feet and running away from her. I call after Kirara as I run past all the dumbfounded villagers and she appears next to me in a burst of flames and I mount her without stopping as she takes me over the gates and out of the village.

Kirara looks up at me curiously as we sit in the grass surrounded by nothing but trees. Night had come faster than I realized. Before I knew it, the moon showed its face and bathed this place in moonlight as it has always done since I was a boy. Whenever I could, I would come here to think with Kirara, so it isn't a surprise she is concerned and wants to know what's wrong now. I reach down and scratch behind her small ear. If only you could speak Kirara...you'd be the perfect companion then. She purrs gently, pleased with my reaction to her, and the fact that I'm willing to interact with her at all. I suppose she just wants some kind of response from me. We have been sitting for hours now, day turned to night, with the air just as still as it had been at daybreak, yet now the chill of winter is setting in and I can see my own breath materialize before me eyes each time I exhale. The leather of my tajiya uniform did serve its purpose in keeping me warm...but I still hate it. I look down at the blue armor covering my stomach and shoulders. No matter how hard I try, I can't become a great warrior, not even a good one-how can I even call myself a man? Dammit!

I punch the cold, hard dirt at my knee and Kirara stares at my fist. I don't know what to do, how can I go back out there, how can I face my family, how can I face Imoutou-chan again, how? What if my inability to protect others when it matters most, or even my lack of an ability to protect myself puts someone else in danger? What if next time it's Shippou or Kagome or Chichi-ue? What happens when everyone depends on me and I fail?

I sigh and sit up, looking down at my scraped knuckles. I'm hopeless... Kirara mews excitedly and runs past me but I barely pay her any attention, too fascinated by my reddened fist. How fragile I am.

"Kohaku...?"

I turn quickly to find Haha-ue standing several feet away from me with Kirara at her heels, half-shrouded by shadow of the night. My heart immediately races at the thought of her having seen me earlier. Kirara noticed her, but I didn't. Too worried about myself. Selfish. You self-absorbed idiot... I look away, ashamed. Her footsteps come closer to me, she takes careful steps through the tall grass, slow, cautious steps. I'm too ridden with guilt to look in her direction. She finally sits down next to me without a word and I divert my sight to the moon above us. I can feel her stare on my shoulder.

"You're just like your Oji-san, you know. Always have been."

I look down at my hands and start to nervously fiddle with my thumbs. Her brother, the one she fought to save from the hanyou Naraku all those years ago, before I was born. My namesake. I don't remember him much, if at all, but I could always tell how much Haha-ue cared for him. Sometimes when we're all asleep in the woods during a rest period on the road I hear her shout his name during her nightmares. I wake up startled, under the impression she's yelling at me, screaming for me, and I assume my combat stance, half awake and off kilter, but Chichi-ue jumps up and rushes to coddle her while telling me to go back to sleep. Across the dying embers of the fire I could make out the pained expression on her face and my heart ached. I don't know exactly what happened back then but I assume it was like hell one thousand times over if Haha-ue still has nightmares about it to this day...

"He was gentle, he couldn't hurt a fly. I think he even tried once!" I hear her giggle. "He wasn't the greatest tajiya in the world. Far from it actually. And father was very hard on him for it. It just didn't come naturally to him, to kill or-hurt, anyone..."

She shifts near quietly in the grass and I look at her feet, just to avoid her gaze. But I don't think she is paying much mind to me as she is her memories. "And I remember when I first told you what being a tajiya was all about, and how much you hated it. You cried, because you didn't want to kill things at all, even youkai."

This of course had a lot to do with Kikyou. The memory floods back to me in a rush of embarrassment, a much smaller version of myself looking up at my Haha-ue's anxious face with a miniature version of the Hiraikotsu in my hand, my childhood weapon. After insisting that I must use the tiny boomerang to slay demons, she waits for my response and all I can do is clench the carved bone in my hand and hold back the tears burning at the back of my throat.

"But...Kikyou is a youkai..." I whine, the tears beginning to swell in my eyes. "I don't want to kill her!"

I start to bawl uncontrollably and Haha-ue raises her hands defensively in her best attempt to calm me. "No! Kohaku-kun, Kikyou-chan is different! She is a good youkai, so is Inuyasha! We love them! We-we only kill bad youkai!"

There is a break in my frantic crying when I clench my mouth shut to gather up the strength to ask, "So...when she doesn't eat her beets, I have to-to...KILL HER?"

And I bawled again.

"I was a child back then," I say, keeping my gaze on the blades of grass blowing in the harsh winter wind. Haha-ue glances at me, perhaps surprised at my decision to talk to her. "There's no excuse now."

I hear her sigh heavily against the air. It weighs on me.

"I know you just want me to live a strong life..."

Haha-ue's breath catches at my statement in an unusual way, causing me to turn my head towards her stunned visage. Her gaze spans over the field in what seems like a 100 metre stare. I reposition my body to face her. The leather of my tajiya attire groans with my sudden movements. "Haha-ue?"

I can recall all the training, all the years she wasted on me, the long days spent sweating in the hot sun while practicing with various blades and staffs, the formations and maneuvers. I was never fast enough, never strong enough, my stance never absolute. And I remember Haha-ue's frustration, even when she believed I wasn't aware, I noticed every distressed sigh, every eye roll, every frown.

"You're not trying hard enough!" The aggravation in her tone.

She wanted so much for me to be like her, and I could never live up to it. Even now, as I sit beside her she seems 10 feet tall, more than just a woman or mother but the leader of a proud lineage of legendary fighters. And all I was good for was meditating. I picture all our ancestors turning their backs on me. I was so deep in my ruminations that I jumped slightly when she finally spoke.

"I never...realized it until now, how much I've pushed you, to do this, for the sake of some stupid tradition, even though you've hated it all along. And it's just like-my father...pushed this life onto my brother, and to think..."

Her eyes narrow, her cheeks start to redden. She then clenches her teeth and maintains her blank stare into a great unknown that I can't see, only she can, and it hurts her. "To think if he had just let Kohaku be himself, and hadn't taken him with us to slay that youkai...then all of that...he wouldn't have-and your grandfather and uncle would still be here today-and you could have-"

Tears began to spill down her face in rivulets, almost like a large dam had broken loose. It flowed over myself as well, my chest felt hollow or burdened by a boulder. I don't know what to do, only that I want to fight off my own tears so I smile foolishly and spread my arms wide at either side of myself.

"B-but if that never would have happened then you wouldn't have met Chichi-ue and-and I wouldn't be here!" I babble idiotically.

Haha-ue looks at me and my shoulders relax somewhat, nothing holding up in the weight of her sadness, all the loss of our kin etched into the face of my poor mother who could not have done anything to stop it and now lives with the torment of watching her family disappear before she even had the chance to say goodbye... She slides forward in the grass and unexpectedly she leans toward me and locks me into a tight embrace, her wet cheek pressed against mine. I hesitate, then hug her and everything goes away...all the guilt and regret, in the one hug are dispelled and all I will ever come to know from now on is that I am the only blood kin she has left and there is-no shame in that. My eyes widen as a single tear falls from my eye. Haha-ue...

"Kohaku...do you think that I'm...a good mother?" she whispers, stroking my hair as she did when I was a child.

"I've never thought otherwise, Haha-ue..." I murmur against the lump in my throat, my arms now squeezing her tight as I did when I was young. I bury my face into her clothes and wet them with my own tears.

"I want to live...a strong life."

A/N: This chapter was particularly interesting to write, as this author has long been a fan of the character Sango and it was enjoyable to document her through the eyes of her son as he maintains this larger than life view of his own mother, a woman who has been a pinnacle of strength to him and many fans for her resilient nature and physical ability, defying all stereotypical behavior of the average woman. It was also rewarding to analyze these older characters and their daily lives in the aftermath of a very traumatic experience spanning the course of several years battling Naraku. It is a theme in most storytelling that these characters emerge from intense psychological distress with no lasting effects of their experiences, no trauma, as if they were manually reset. This author wanted to bring a sense of humanity to these larger than life characters and the vague suggestion of the absence of a return to normalcy being possible for them, as some aspects of their previous lives still continue to haunt them, especially after having to be tossed back into the fray once again with their own children. Illustrating Sango's bout with the suggestion of something akin to PTSD after witnessing her entire family slaughtered and having countless scenarios in which she once nearly almost murdered her own brother, was crucial for this author. It is the hope of this author that this has been a true and organic account of such a magnificent character, humanized.

As always, reviews are welcome.