Chapter 3: Carys

I kneel down in the dark and search my soul. Jana taught me how to use Anceon behind her father's back, he wouldn't be pleased if he found out what we were doing, he'd probably go to Ceri and Gerwyn in an attempt to get me exiled or sent to the Kronock. I suppose it wouldn't matter because Ceri wouldn't let that happen; we've gotten so close. I'm not sure about Gerwyn though. But still, I'd rather not face Alric's wrath.

I concentrate harder than I ever have. It's painful, not physically but emotionally. I can feel my mother's presence as if she were standing right next to me. Everything I felt the day she was killed comes flooding back to me, worse than that, I can feel what my father felt, but worst of all I can feel what my mother felt. I feel the pain in her chest from the bullet, the sorrow of leaving me and my dad alone, and a sense of guilt and regret that I can't quite place. I feel the exact moment she let go.

I see fuzzy visions of me on my first transformation, right here in this cave. I had no clue we'd be anywhere near where we went on full moons. You would think I'd have sensed it when we first arrived, but I guess my trauma decided to block it out in an attempt to protect me. I see my second transformation, then my third, that's when it happened. We were so excited when we left the cave, but dad wasn't. He'd always been right about his instincts. I'm smiling at the happy memories, but it quickly fades as I feel all of our hearts shatter. I heard the gunshot again, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I see her body, and dad ushers me back to the cave. To this cave. I feel everything I felt when I realise that I'd never see my mother again.

I force myself out of Anceon and find myself lying curled up in a ball in the dark, my face wet with tears. A small beam of light streams through the cave entrance and shines on a puddle in front of me, it's no longer nighttime, the sun has come up and found its way to me.

The light disappears, someone is standing there. I hear their footsteps approach. "She's here!" I hear the voice and smell the air; Gerwyn. Has he been searching for me? He crouches down at my side, but I can't move. "Carys? What happened to you? Jana's been so worried."

Usually, a comment like that would have me running to Jana's side to reassure her that I'm okay, I couldn't have her thinking I was gone. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love. But in this instance, I don't move. Not because I don't care, because I'm scared. Everything little move I make goes wrong.

I don't say anything to Gerwyn. I don't even look at him. He scoops me up in his arms like I'm a cub. Like my dad did when I fell asleep on the sofa. He carries me out of the cave. I hear everyone swarming around me, the whole pack is away from the camp, they were all out looking for me.

I hear Jana's voice. "Carys?" She pushes past the crowd and looks at me. I squeeze my eyes shut; hoping somehow that if I can't see her, she won't see me in the state that I'm in. It's only a matter of time before my screwed-up life screws her up too. I don't want to watch her world fall apart, I know how selfish it is, but I can't take another second of this. Gerwyn lowers me to the ground and Jana cradles me as I cry. I still can't look at her.

Ceri kneels at my side. "Cariad, what happened?" She looks at my body, checking for injuries. The only thing that hurts is my chest and my head. I allow myself to bury my head into Jana's belly.

"She's hyperventilating," Jana says. "Is she hurt?"

"No physical injuries," Ceri rests her hands on my cheeks, pulling me slightly away from Jana, but my head remains on her lap. I pant and shake vigorously. I open my eyes and look up at Ceri, she gazes right into my eyes, like she's looking right inside my soul and feeling everything I am. Her face goes from concerned to very concerned. "Everyone, back to camp," she says, but no one moves. "Now!" She demands. "Gerwyn, go with them." The pack reluctantly walks away. Jana stays where she is. "You too Jana."

She goes rigid. "No, I need to stay with her, she needs me here." Ceri gives Jana a look, and just like that Jana stands up, gently moving my head from her lap onto the ground. She walks away and I take a deep breath.

"Cariad, you've seen something, can you tell me what happened?" I just stare up into the sky. "I can't help you if you don't talk to me." I turn to look at her and burst into tears again. She wraps her arms around me as I cry, and rocks me gently back and forth.

Ceri is the closest thing I have to a mother in the wild. When no one else in the pack would talk to me, she took me under her wing. She's been teaching me how to be a healer, like her. When one of the cubs was stung by an insect, she let me do the dressing. She pulls away from me and I sit up. I lean against one of the rocks, hugging my knees. She brushes my messy hair out my face and wipes away my tears. "Jana made everyone get up to come and look for you when you didn't come back. She was worried sick, so was I." I don't say anything. "I may be the Alpha, but I'm still a healer. You're not well, and it's completely understandable. You've seen things a cub of your age should never see. Let me help you, Carys. Tell me what happened down there," she begs.

She looks so desperate to help me, I can't let her suffer. I take another deep breath. "I used Eolas, I know I shouldn't have, I'm sorry. It led me to the cave. My parents and I were there on the night my mum died," Ceri grimaces like she understands the pain I'm in. "I heard her voice, she told me to use Anceon. I'm so sorry Ceri." I weep more and she holds me tight, stroking my hair. I try to collect myself. "I saw everything that I saw the night that mum was killed, I relived it all. Am I losing my mind?" I look into her sorrowful eyes.

"No, you're not, but what you're experiencing now is just shock. From what you saw, and from using Anceon in a circumstance of your own. What happened here was too close to your heart and your mind couldn't take it. The moment I looked into your eyes I could see the kind of pain you were in. That's why I told everyone to clear off, the last thing you need right now is the pack breathing down your neck."

"Thank you, Ceri."

"You'll be okay, Cariad. Allow your mind the time it needs to heal, and next time things get too much, come and find me and we can talk. If you bottle up your feelings, they'll erupt inside of you and things will only get worse. Trust me."

"I do."

After sitting for a while, I finally calm down. We walk back to camp together and Ceri asks me questions about my mum, I think she's trying to get me to focus on happy memories. I still feel sort of weird though, like I'm numb to the world around me.

When we get back, Jana runs to me. "You're okay?" She wraps her hands around my face, resting her fingertips on the back of my neck the way she always does. Ceri leaves us to talk. I nod my head and give her a little kiss. "Do you still want to go to Stoneybridge? We'll have to go now if we want to catch the train from Cardiff Central, but if you're not up for it we can go tomorrow, or whenever you're ready."

"I'm ready. I just need to say thank you to Gerwyn and Ceri. And thank you, Jana, if it wasn't for you getting the whole pack to search for me, I'd still be lying in that... place." I give her another kiss and head over to Gerwyn and Ceri. "Gerwyn, thank you for finding me and getting me out of there. I know I'm not your favourite person right now, but it means a lot to me that you care enough about Jana to help me," he sighed and gave me an awkward pat on the shoulder along with a half-hearted smile. I turn to Ceri. "Thank you so much for explaining everything I was feeling, I think I understand it all a bit better now." I hug her and she gives me a beaming smile. "We'll see you tomorrow at lunchtime," I shout as I walk back to Jana who is saying goodbye to her father.

"We'll be fine dad, back by lunch tomorrow, no talking to humans we don't know," she laughs. He strokes her cheek with his thumb, then he turns to me.

"Carys," he sounds as if he's about to scream in my face, "Look after my little cub." I sigh in relief and laugh a little. I've always been a little scared of Alric after he threw me against the wall in Kincaid's lab, but he's since apologised and he even taught me how to hunt and fish. I think I'm a little more cut out to be a healer than a hunter.

"Dad, I've been gone for way longer than a day before! But I suppose it's normal to be worried because every time we've reunited it's because something terrible is happening." They shake hands the Wolfblood way, then he shakes my hand and Jana and I run off through the trees.