Chapter 11: Carys

There's so much going on in my head right now I don't know what to focus on. My mother's voice keeps coming back in small bursts. She's not even my mother. It's just all so confusing. All I can do when it happens is sit through them. Dr Whitewood showed me some breathing exercises and they've been helping me stay calm. But Ceri- mum has been the most help, she has all of these old Wolfblood healing mantras that somehow tap into my wolf, the real me, and for a short while at a time, I'm able to block out the voice in my head.

I can't believe my so-called parents lied to me for my whole life, and my real parents for months. I just don't know how to react. I can't tell if I'm angry at Ceri and Gerwyn or not. Ceri always treated me like I was her own cub. She really helped me, and then when I had that Anceon incident, I sort of had a feeling, an instinct. I don't know how to describe it, or what it meant, but I knew I was safe with her. If I'm going to have a long-lost mother, I'm glad it's her. And then there's Gerwyn, I still haven't spoken to him, I have no idea where his head is at.

Dr Whitewood is hooking me up to a heart monitor, in case there's something they've missed, she says. I think she's just running tests because she still doesn't know as much as she'd like to about Wolfbloods. But I'm happy to be a guinea pig if it means helping other Wolfbloods further down the line.

Ceri sits next to me and holds my hand. The voice has gone for now, but I'm still shaken and in constant fear that she'll come screaming back.

"You know, I named you Cariad, it seems Geraint and Rhiannon shortened it. Both mean the same thing though; love. You were born out of love and born to share your love with the world. Don't ever forget that," she strokes my hair out of my tear covered face. I smile at her. Jana comes into the room as Dr Whitewood leaves. She rushes to my side like she always does. Doting on me, all the time.

"I'm here, are you okay?" She says.

"I'm fine for now. Ceri, can I talk to Jana alone?" I ask my new mother.

"Of course, Cariad, I'll be outside with Rhydian," she leans over and gives me a light kiss on my temple, she then does the same to Jana. I still can't shake the sinking feeling that everyone is just pretending. Pretending they care for me, which is what I want to talk to Jana about. Although, now I know it's all in my head. I just need assurance. Dr Whitewood said it's okay to ask for assurance when I need it. But it makes me feel like I'm just being annoying. Jana sits on the edge of my bed and holds my hand.

"You know how we can talk to each other about anything?" She nods. "Dr Whitewood wants me to tell the psych guy what's happening in my head, I don't want to talk about it, not yet, but if I have to, it's going to be with you first."

"You can tell me anything Carys," she takes my other hand. "I love you."

I pull my hands away, feeling uncomfortable with the affection, I can't trust anything or anyone. Except for Ceri, for some reason. "That's the thing," I sigh, "The voice, the woman-" I can't bear to refer to her as my mother anymore. "She keeps telling me that you don't love me, that none of you really care about me, I can't help but believe it. I'm such a burden on you and the pack, and even Rhydian and all the others, I don't want to make your lives any more difficult than they have to be. You don't deserve to be dragged alongside me like this."

She takes my hands again. "Carys, no, the things she said, it was all lies. It's just a way for your mind to play tricks on you. I love you more than anything, and I care about you so much. Sure, the pack can seem cold and detached, but they do care about you, or they wouldn't have agreed to relocate. We all care, Carys. I don't know where I'd be without you!" She starts to cry a little bit. "I don't want to live in a world without you, Carys. Please don't ever doubt that... please." She places her hands on my neck. I start to cry too. "And if you do, just come to me, talk to me about it. You can trust me. I'll always reassure you. You know I'm an awful liar, no way could anyone fake what I feel for you. You're the reason I wake up every day, you're the last thing I think about before I close my eyes, you're the reason I wake up with a smile on my face." She leans in and kisses me, it's romantic but also kind of gross because we're both in tears. We cuddle for a long while until Rhydian walks in.

"Have you told her?" He asks me.

"No, not yet," I say as we break the hug. "I don't quite know how to put it into words."

"There's more?" She asks. Rhydian joins us on the bed.

"Jana, you know the DNA test said that Carys and I are blood relatives?" She nods, looking a little confused. "Well, my parents are Carys' parents too." Jana's jaw drops. "My reaction exactly." She looks at me.

"But, your mum and dad..."

"To cut a long story short, my other parents took me from the wild pack as revenge for my d- Geraint not knowing about Ava, he felt betrayed that she had his child without his knowledge and gave her to the human world," I tell her the whole story.

Jana looks at me in shock. I think she's surprised at how calm I am. I'm surprised too if I'm honest, I wouldn't say I'm completely relaxed about the whole thing but when I'm with these two I feel so safe, and like I don't have to be anyone but me. "I don't really know how to feel, I'm angry of course, at Geraint and Rhiannon, for lying. But at the same time, I sort of get why they did what they did. It was wrong, and I think they must have known that. But people do stupid stuff when they're in pain.

"And a small part of me is kind of mad at Ceri and Gerwyn for not saying anything but thinking back to how they acted around me, I can see how badly they wanted me to know. Ceri was always so motherly to me, and Gerwyn, well he could barely look at me, and I understand why now, it's because he didn't want to talk to his daughter knowing who she was when she doesn't have a clue. It must have been hard for them to see me grieve over my parents' deaths knowing that they weren't the people I thought they were."

"So, you're okay- well not okay with this, but you're coping, right?" Rhydian asks me.

"I think so, I mean, I'm pretty sure the voice in my head will get worse, but everything gets worse before it gets better. That's what Dr Whitewood said. But yeah, I'm coping. I'll be okay." I really do feel better, I think having a mother, even if it's very quick and a big shock, has made me feel safer. I doubted everyone's love for me, but for some reason, I never once doubted Ceri's from the second I met her.

"You're so strong," Jana kisses me. I'm so lucky to have her, I'm finally remembering that.

"Carys," Ceri pokes her head around the door, "Dr Whitewood and Dr Stevens want to talk to you." I look at Jana and Rhydian, they can both tell I'm nervous, Rhydian hugs me and so does Jana. They walk out, they don't say anything because they know it'll freak me out.

Dr Whitewood comes in with a man who I'm assuming is Dr Stevens, the psychiatric specialist. He's a Wolfblood. They both stand next to my bed while I sit cross-legged.

"Hello Carys, how are you feeling today?" He asks.

"Okay I guess, the morning has been pretty rough, but I feel a lot better now, and I feel safer, being here."

"Good, glad to hear it." He perches on the edge of my bed. "So, if you can, please could you tell me what you think is happening to you?" I wasn't expecting a question like this. I was expecting him to come in, tell me I'm crazy, give me some pills and leave.

"Oh, well I think I've had a lot happen to me in the past few months, I guess trauma. And I got stressed and overwhelmed and it all sort of bubbled over because I kept it bottled up." He nods along as he writes in his notepad. "And I think- I think that I've sort of been- like- I've been driven mad, by everything you know? And I think that it's not surprising that I've ended up in the state I'm in. In a way, it's like it was bound to happen, it was just a matter of time."

"That's a very good answer, you're right, as far as I'm aware. Dr Whitewood has informed me of your situation, but I'd like to hear your side of things, right from the start."

I don't really know what I'm telling him, I just know I have to tell him everything. From my first memory with my Geraint and Rhiannon, right up until this moment. Because he's a Wolfblood, he understands some aspects that maybe Dr Whitewood or a human psychiatrist wouldn't. I like him so far, he's kind and he lets me ramble on. We talk for an hour two, I don't hear or see anything that's not real the whole time. When he leaves, he shakes my hand and follows Dr Whitewood out of the room. For a split second, I'm alone. Just long enough for her to come back. 'You could do it now,' she says. I make sure to do the breathing exercises that Dr Whitewood taught me. Luckily, Jana comes in to distract me.

"You okay?" She sits down on my bed.

"Yeah, I'm fine, she was just... here. She likes it when I'm alone." She nods, trying her best to understand. She kisses my cheek and puts her arm around me.

"Has she gone?" Jana asks.

"I think so. For now at least, so where is everyone?" I change the subject.

"Shan and Tom have been back and forth from here to Shan's lab. They've been worried about you. Ceri-your mum, Rhydian and Maddy have gone to see the pack, to tell them we're safe and also to talk to Gerwyn."

"Oh, right. I hope it goes okay." I'm nervous, I know eventually I'll have to talk to him, he is my dad, after all. I don't know how he'll react; he knows I'm his child, but he doesn't know that I just found out. Then again, his instincts would have told him to expect something had happened. "Do you think we'll ever get back to the wild? I haven't thought about it much because of everything that's happened today. Ava must be planning how to take me away as we speak."

"Rhydian didn't tell you? She's dropping it, she left for London earlier today," Jana says. I fill up with joy. She must have really seen the light, still, I feel bad she felt she couldn't say goodbye to me. Then again, I don't know how I would have dealt with it. I'm all over the place at the moment.

"That's... amazing, I guess. We really can stay together," I say, kissing her.

'She doesn't want that,' the voice says. 'She's lying to keep you from losing it, you just stress her out.'

"Leave me alone!" I shout. Jana flinches away and I'm brought back to reality.

"Carys?" She says.

"I'm sorry." I shake. "She came back for a second. I think she's gone again," I breathe fast, making sure I'm really alive and not in some twisted nightmare.

"It's going to be okay, slow your breathing down." I do what she says, trying to breathe slowly. In through the nose, out through the mouth. "It won't last forever okay; you will get past this."

I really hope she's right.