"Gah!" Denmark gasped as he awoke. "Where am I?!"
"Sh, sh, shhh. Just relax," came a gentle female voice. "I'm healing you."
"Who are you? What are you doing?" he asked, as he couldn't see a thing. "Am I blind?"
"Temporarily, yes," she said. "I am… reprogramming, as you Midgardians say nowadays. Hel had installed some of her own ideas into your head when she brought you back to life, and they redecorated. You are perfectly safe. I've disconnected your optic nerves as to make it easier for you to relax. As for where you are, you are in Jotunheim."
Denmark opened his mouth, then closed it. He realized that his questions might be answered once he could actually, you know, see.
"And… there!" she said proudly. He could suddenly see again, and the first thing he saw was a young red-haired woman. His head felt heavy, and putting his hands to the top he realized why. There was an iron crown perched there. Looking in a mirror, he could see himself dressed to the nines- with a white shirt, black tie, red tails, and a mahogany staff, along with the aforementioned crown. "I've been transported back to the 19th century," he muttered. "Why am I here?"
"Because we need you here," the woman said. "You serve a purpose."
"In the land of giants?" he asked incredulously. "What purpose could that possibly be?"
"The thing is," she said, "you're in a part of the realm that's not inhabited by giants. Look outside." Denmark stood up and immediately regretted it. "Whoah!" he groaned as he fell back into his chair. Breathing heavily, the room he was in came into focus. It was no simple room; it was a massive hall, and Denmark sat in a regally carved throne. At the back of the hall were massive windows from ceiling to floor, and it overlooked a magnificent realm, with every conceivable terrain. Denmark's mouth dropped. "What in the-"
"Welcome to Northern Jotunheim," she said. "It's occupied by both realms; this is what lays inside Norway's park. However, our human kingdoms are relatively small and, well, backwards. They're often attacked by the giant kingdoms, and we were hoping that-"
"-that I would help unite them through my sheer awesomeness and help bring about a battle that would keep them from attacking Midgardians forever?"
She gasped. "How did you know?"
"I play a lot of D&D. Listen, I'd love to, but you sort of abducted me from my home, my friends, and my family. So, thanks, but no thanks." He got up and started walking away. She called, "Would you rather have America in charge here?" He groaned loudly and turned around, huffing, back to the throne. "If somebody's going to be in charge," he declared, "I at least want them to have basic social services and an education that says that the Earth is billions of years old, not 6,000." He plopped his butt down and glared off in the distance. "You can coronate me, for all I care."
"So what's the plan?" Guðrún asked. She had crafted clothes for herself in the manner that her mom and dad had- kilts out of springy wood and leaves, with primitive helmets just in case of attack, and armed with spears. Iceland's sparkles and goggles were long gone, and his bleach-blonde hair had brown streaks throughout. His skin tone was a little darker, and he had mentally changed- gone was the carefree and romantically aloof spirit, replaced by a family man. Sjöfin had also changed. She was leagues tougher than she had been upon first arrival. Guðrún, for her part, had not been around to change much, but her personality was definitely taking shape. It became clear that she was shaping up to be a Valkyrie- tough, mentally agile and very intelligent, and strikingly beautiful. This family had outgrown their home, but for the circumstances had made ends meet.
"We're packing up camp and moving," Iceland said, removing the large wooden stakes that had protected him and his loved ones against the terror of Fenrir.
He entered the neutral zone and called out, "FENRIR!" The wolf dutifully responded. "We've received a message from Asgard. We're going home." Fenrir returned with a curt nod. "We will meet again, and under much more unpleasant conditions," he said. Iceland broke his spear that had symbolized the conflict between the two parties for almost five months. Then he turned and reentered the forest.
"It is done," he declared. "Let's go home."
They did so, and right into Iceland's house. It had gotten quite cold from the heat being off. "Well, family, welcome to Midgard." He introduced them to the multitude of new things they were encountering, as well as several of the demons. "They'll pop up out of the table once or twice, but other than that they're nothing to worry about. They sense family."
"What happens if somebody who isn't appears?" Gudrun asked. "We mop up their remains and hope for the best," came Iceland's nonchalant response. "Anyway, your room is upstairs on the first right. You'll have a chance to get settled tonight, but first, we're going to meet our new extended family!"
Sister Norway and her brother were just finishing lunch when there was a knock at the door. "Don't they know better than to disturb us while we're eating?" he asked irritably. "I thought we had made that clear!"
"Stop it and open the door," she said. "I have laundry to attend to, not to mention the girls' night at my house, so the quicker we're done here the better." Norway rolled his eyes and opened the door. The sight before him made his mouth drop.
"Hello, big brother," grinned a tanner, buffer, dirty, and much more manly Iceland. "Miss me much?" He laughed and threw his arms around a shellshocked Norway, who was capable of speaking in baby words. "Hva… lillebror… jeg…" He started to tear up as he held Iceland close. "Who are these people?" he asked, nodding to Sjöfin and Gudrun. "We have a lot to catch up on," Iceland said.
Upon getting everyone seated, Iceland introduced his family. "This is Sjöfin, my girlfriend," he said. Sjöfin gave Norway a dazzling smile. "And Gudrun, our daughter." Gudrun waved politely. Norway's face changed. "Wait…"
"You heard right."
"You have a family now?"
"Yeah, and they're pretty darn special."
"You should've seen him, Norway," Sjöfin said. "He fought off that horrendous wolf how many times?"
"Four in the time I've been alive," Gudrun said.
"Wait… Iceland fought off Fenrir?"
"Yep," Gudrun said. "And he's fantastic in bed," Sjöfin laughed, to the revulsion of her daughter and the embarrassment of her boyfriend. "TMI!" they chorused.
"Ladies, can you excuse me and my dear brother for a moment?" Norway said with sickly kindness.
Norway slammed the door behind him. "What have you done?" he yelled. "You disappear for five months and return with a wife and child?! What the hell?!"
"Look, I know it's confusing, but hear me out," Iceland pleaded. "I landed on Fenrir's Island and was alone for four months. Freyja shows up and tells me that Odin is sending a companion. The next day, Sjöfin shows up. We don't get along at first, but then we reconcile and fall in love. Two weeks later, she says that she's going to Asgard for a few days. She comes back with Gudrun. Gudrun, being a demigod, matures in one day to the teenager she is now and always will be. Does that clear everything up?" Norway stood there silently, then started up again. "How are you going to raise them? You have a crumbling economy and no sense of responsibility! You just chill in the hot springs all day!"
"Denmark has borne Christiania and Scania," Iceland said pointedly. "And if he, with his current economic state, can do it, maybe my child has a chance at not being yet another fuck-up in the Nordic family."
"DON'T SPEAK OF HIM LIKE THAT!" Norway bellowed. They both went quiet, and Norway started to cry. Iceland felt a pit form. "Oh God, what happened to him?"
"Tell you later," his brother replied. "Sorry I yelled. Oh, God…"
"I know," Iceland said.
"How's the girl?"
"She's really coming along," Iceland said. "I want you to be her godfather."
"Oh- oh really?" Norway asked. Iceland nodded. "Yeah," he said.
Meanwhile, Sister Norway was learning that Iceland would not be the same character he was before.
"You do realize who Iceland was before he disappeared?" she asked.
"I know," Sjöfin said. "He was that way when I first came to the island. He had a certain 'I'm-not-worthy-of-you' complex. A bit of an asshole, really."
"Sounds about right," Sister Norway conceded, "but the Iceland you describe is a completely person. You did something to him."
"Granted, a child is a brutal wake-up call for anybody, really," Gudrun muttered.
"True."
Iceland and Norway returned downstairs. "Why don't we go meet the others?" Norway said. His voice was still a little fragile. "They'll be thrilled."
Sister Norway said that she would think about being Gudrun's godmother. Iceland went to the next logical place he could think of.
"Scania, I swear to God!" Sister Sweden bellowed.
"Sorry, Mom! I thought you weren't home!" yiped her flittish and dorky teenage son.
"That's the fourth time this week! If you walk in on me another time-"
"Okay, okay! Whatever!"
"Don't you whatever me! Here I am, trying to earn an income, and I have my voyeur of a son walking in on me all the time!"
"Somebody's at the door, Mom!"
Sister Sweden made a threatening growl. Scania scampered off to his room. Grabbing a bathrobe that sufficiently covered the necessary areas, she flung open the door to welcome the Norwegians.
"Ah! Norway!" she yelled, more aggressively than intended. She ran around, throwing dishes in the sink. "Uh, Sweden?" Sister Norway asked cautiously. "We have… visitors."
"I'm in no mood or shape to have visitors!" Sister Sweden said. "I have messes all over the house, and I'm at work right now!"
"They want you to be her godmother," Norway blurted. Sister Sweden gave him a glare. "Who the hell are you talking about?"
"Guys?" Norway called. "It's okay, she's nice now." Iceland and his family emerged from behind a bush. "Ohmigod, Iceland!" Sister Sweden cried out, running outside and taking him by the arm, dragging him inside; Sjöfin and Gudrun took that to mean them too. "We've been so worried about you! Trapped with that horrendous wolf-" she stopped and wrinkled her nose. "Dear Lord, you smell. Go take a shower. I might have some spare cloth of yours… let me look…" she emerged successfully. "Go, go!" She rounded on the two female members of his family.
"And who are you?" She stood there imperially, and then realization took root. Her face changed and she gasped. "Are you… you…" She squealed in delight. Iceland emerged in civilized clothes for the first time in almost half a year. "Iceland, you grew up!" she said, squeezing him. "Sweden, please let go," he eked, and she did. "You must be Sjöfin," she said, giving a kiss on the cheek. "Why, yes," Sjöfin said, taken aback. "And this is Gudrun, our daughter." Sister Sweden nearly fainted. "Iceland, she's gorgeous! What did you do to her?"
"Let's not go there," Iceland grumbled. Sjöfin and Gudrun snickered.
"Is he good in bed?" she whispered to Sjöfin.
"He's glorious," she replied.
"Could we NOT?" Iceland said, turning a furious red.
"Oh, stop it and have some fun," cajoled Sister Sweden. "It's not everyday I have this opportunity." She whispered to Gudrun, "Your father's been remarkably self-worshipping. He hates being 'unclean', so this is a great time to tease him for being dirty."
"So I've heard," Gudrun said back. The two locked eyes and shared a smirk. "We totally need to get you a wardrobe deserving of such a fine figure, missy! I can't let you continue wearing that kilt-thing, it's against my moral nature. Iceland, I'm borrowing your kid tomorrow. But for now, enjoy your time on Midgard," Sister Sweden said. "Go see my brother."
Everyone else who was present on Midgard-Sister Finland, Sister Denmark, Sweden, Sister Iceland, Greenland, Faroe Islands-were doing nothing in particular when Iceland showed up. He gave everyone present a heart attack. "Jesus, Iceland!" Sweden yelled, clutching at his chest. He rounded on an embarrassed Sister Iceland. "And did you see this coming?"
"No," she said meekly, "but can't we just, you know, celebrate in my brother's return?"
"Of course, of course!" Sweden said. "Come in, Iceland! And who are these two lovely-" He stopped mid-sentence in rapid realization.
"Here it comes," Norway said.
"Wait," Sweden said, holding up his hand and laughing to himself. "Wait, wait, wait. You have a child?"
"Surprise," Iceland exclaimed, utilizing jazz hands.
"A child. Iceland bore a child."
"I actually believe Sjöfin bore the child, Sweden."
"Don't get smart with me, you!" Sweden said angrily.
"Sweden, are you jealous?" Iceland asked playfully.
"Yes- I mean, no! I don't know! This wasn't part of the plan! You were supposed to come back either under your will or ours, but not with a family! Great, now we have to come up with a new plan!"
"Stop using the royal "we" and speak for yourself," Norway said. "I never liked your plan. I'm tired of everyone using my brother as some sort of pawn."
"What was the plan?" Iceland asked warily.
"Sweden wanted to try and use you as a bargaining chip," Norway said distastefully.
"For whom?"
Norway and Sweden looked at each other, then said, "Iceland, it's time we told you about Denmark."
Yes, Sweden. Iceland bore a child.
Now that I've reunited everyone, it's time to go save Denmark!