Dealing—Part 4
Ponyboy's Point of View
I was reading David Copperfield for school. I know I told Darry I didn't have any homework, but I don't count reading a book as homework. Maybe Steve or Two-Bit would, but I read for fun anyway. Nobody understands why I do that anymore. Only Johnny had, and he was gone. Gosh, but it still hurts me to say that even though it's been almost a year since they died. It seemed like every time I turned the corner by the lot I expected to see Johnny kicking around the football, or when I went to the Dingo I thought I'd see Dally beating up some hitchhiker just because he thought it would be fun. Every time I was forced back to reality. I had to face the facts each and every morning when I woke up and every night when I tried to fall asleep: they were gone, and they were never coming back. Do you know how awful it is to have to tell yourself that all the time, and still have a hope that you might one day see them again, like they were just gone on holidays or something? If I didn't see Johnny's parents around every so often I might have been able to convince myself that he'd just moved away or something like that. But instead, I did see his folks, and often they were the most painful reminder of all that my best friend was dead. And the clincher was that they didn't act any different than they always had. People Johnny barely even knew cried at his funeral, teachers, students, everyone. But not his parents, the people who were supposed to love him most in the whole world. I was too sick to go to the funeral even, but Two-Bit, looking like he wanted to kill somebody and sob his eyes out at the same time, told me all about it. They just stood there, expressionless, as they stared at their only son's body. If I didn't like them at all before, I absolutely hated them after that.
And Dallas? Every hood or greaser I saw reminded me of him. If he was alive he'd be out there alongside them, doing all the hoody stuff he loved. His ex-girlfriend Sylvia skipped town a few months ago with some big hood I didn't know. Steve's girl Evie said it was because she wanted to forget Dallas. I never liked Sylvia, and we sure had nothing else in common except that one thing: I couldn't count how many times a day I wished desperately that I could forget everything that had happened. I wasn't sure if the rest of the gang felt as awful about it as I did, but I knew for a fact that Soda was inwardly still hurting, over the guys and Sandy. We all had to deal with losing two of our best friends, but on top of that he'd had his heart broken by the girl he thought he would marry, who had a baby with another man.
Soda didn't think I knew he was still in pain, but I could tell. He wasn't the same as he used to be. Well, around Steve and Two-Bit, and even Darry, he was the same joking, laughing, happy-go-lucky Sodapop but when it was just him and me he was quiet and subdued. He pretended to be himself, all cheerful and grinning, but then it was like a shadow would pass over him, and he'd lapse back into the grief from a year ago. I also know that he hasn't had a girlfriend since Sandy, even though he flirts at the DX station just so Steve will lay off trying to set him up with one of Evie's friends.
But that's just Soda's way, I guess. He doesn't want to worry anybody, so he hides his feelings inside. He always has been the most emotional of the three of us. But he learned to shut off his feelings at an early age. In my theme, I said that on the conflict with the Socs he chose to ignore it and love life anyway. Well, that's what he did—does. But now it affects him more, and he thinks deeper about things. Anyway, I was reading David Copperfield. And like I said, nobody understands my love of reading. You would think, because he's so proud of being smart, that Darry would like to read too, but he really doesn't. Maybe he used to, before he got so busy taking care of Soda and me. I don't really remember. He was so much older than me that I pretty much hung out with Soda instead of him. He was so close to Dad that everyone thought they were brothers. So we were like two pairs of brothers. Then there was Mom. Oh golly, it still hurts to think about our parents too. They were the best parents a kid could ask for, and then one day they were just ripped away from us. For a while, Soda was afraid to go in cars, since they were killed in an auto wreck and all. But he kept that to himself around everybody but me. I was the only one he told. We both took it hard, me with my nightmares, and him crying himself to sleep every night for a long time. But through it all, he was always there for me.
Darry was another story. Shoot, I love him almost as much as I love Soda now, but it sure wasn't always that way. Like I said, growing up I bonded with Soda so much and he was so much older than me that we just didn't understand each other. I was probably just an annoying kid brother for a while, and after Mom and Dad died he had to try and take care of two wild teenage boys. And he just tried too hard. But after I got back from Windrixville—and again after Soda ran out of the house and convinced us to stop fighting—we started acting like brothers again. I've always felt a bit sorry for Darry, not just because he never got to go to college, but also because he really doesn't have anybody in the gang anymore. Sure, he was our leader figure, but Johnny and I had been so much younger, and we were best friends, and both of us real quiet, and besides, then I thought he hated me. And then there were Steve and Soda. Soda understands everybody, so everybody loves him, but Steve is his best friend, so Darry didn't hang around with them so much either. That left Two-Bit and Dally. And Dallas wasn't real close to anybody. Probably the closest thing he had to a best friend was Tim Shepard. Or Johnny. But Johnny was something more than that to Dallas Winston. And Two-Bit's just a wisecracking idiot. Not that I don't like him, but he's not exactly best friend material, if ya know what I mean. We were all Darry's friend, but there was no one he was real close to in our group. I guess it's because all Darry's friends in school were Socs. Shoot, Soda and I both knew that if it weren't for us, Darry could be leading the whole South side! (Or wait. Is it West side? In the movie, it's different from the book. Well, south or west, whatever. By the way, that was me, not Ponyboy talking.)
My brothers were all I had left now.
AN: Please review! Whose point of view do you like the best, who should I continue to do?