Oh, we made quite a mess, babe.

It's probably better off this way.

And I confess, babe,

In my dreams you're touching my face

And asking me if I wanna try again with you.

And I almost do.

"So what do you need me to pick up?" Stiles asked into the phone as he walked down a store aisle.

"Well, we need popcorn, obviously," Scott replied. "There's no movie night without popcorn. And we need peanut butter because, well, duh."

"I still think you're a freak for dipping popcorn in peanut butter." Stiles tossed a thing of peanut butter into the cart. "Want me to buy a movie or do we want to go through what we've got?"

"See if they have Horrible Bosses. I love that movie."

Stiles grinned. "Sure. Okay, I'll grab it. Hey, li-" He broke off as he saw a familiar shape up ahead. "I have to go." He could vaguely hear Scott's response of confusion as he pulled the phone from his ear and pocketed it. "Hey! Hey! Mr. Martin!" He pushed his cart to Lydia's dad as the man turned around.

"Ah. Stiles. I heard you switched to Maryland."

Stiles wasn't sure what exactly he felt in that moment, or why it was so important to talk to him. But it was. All the pain he'd felt and inflicted over the past year was bubbling up. "Yeah. I'm back for the summer."

"It was a good idea, that distance."

Stiles knew his gaze hardened. He didn't really care. Who did this guy think he was? "Yeah. She's still hurting over that one."

"We both know it was best in the long run. I'm glad you took my advice."

"Honestly? I'm not." It was the first time Stiles had said it out loud, the first time he recognized that he hated the situation he'd placed them in. He wanted her back. He wished they hadn't broken up. He wished he had never opened his mouth that night. He wished that he never let her get hurt. "You were wrong to place that pressure on me. It was an asshole move, sir." He kept his head high and his back straight as her dad stared at him in angry bewilderment.

"I was right. For once she got to focus on her studies instead of a boy."

"That is not your decision to make. And you know what? It's not mine either. Lydia Martin lives her life as she chooses, always. I had no right to make a decision for her. If she was insane enough to want me…." He broke off, his breath catching in his throat. That fact, the fact that she had wanted him, had loved him, hit him like a tidal wave. He felt like he couldn't breathe. "She was insane enough to want me. And I fucked up."

"You did the right thing."

"No, I didn't." Stiles shook his head. "I didn't. I did what was right for you. You just didn't want your daughter with me. Is it because of my dad? Because he's a sheriff and you're a defense lawyer and that makes you natural enemies? Is it because that's what I want to do? Or is it because I made her happy and actually showed her that guys could be decent? Because we both know you sure as hell never did that."

"Excuse me?" Anger flashed in his eyes.

Stiles didn't back down. His heart was pounding and he could barely hear over it. "I worked so hard for so long to undo what you did. The way you picked fights with her mother and lectured and ranted and insulted her clothing. You made her pick between you two and got pissed off when she picked the parent that didn't make her feel like shit. She expected all guys to be like that. And she ended up with Jackson, who was the biggest dick I ever met. And then Aiden. And the whole time I didn't even care if she loved me back, I just wanted her to be happy, to know she could actually trust someone. And then she did trust me. She let me in. She let me be her friend. And later, she let me be more. She let me love her. She trusted me. And I let you in my head. I let you talk me into thinking she deserved more, better."

"Your unhappiness is not my fault."

"I know. It's mine. Because I would never have let you talk me into breaking up with her if I had any sense of self worth. You didn't do this. I did. But that doesn't make you any less of a dick." Stiles gave him a furious look and turned away.

"Hey!" Mr. Martin's furious voice raged behind him. "I will not stand for you speaking to me that way!"

Stiles kept walking. He'd given that man enough of his time.

And I just wanna tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you.

And I wish I could run to you.

The first time Lydia kissed him it was like the world had stopped. He remembered being terrified before the kiss. His thoughts had been raging so fiercely that he felt like a whole other portion of his brain had woken up. He had needed air and had none. And then Lydia's lips found his. And all he had felt was shock at first. Everything seemed to numb. He still couldn't breathe but it was different because suddenly he was filled with air. Because she was everything he needed.

He hated not being able to kiss her anymore. He hated feeling like he was missing such a huge part of himself. He wanted to be whole again. She was so vivid, so alive, so bright, so colorful, so vibrant. She inspired him every day even when she wasn't physically with him. She had that effect on people.

No more. Stiles let the door slam shut behind him and let the shopping bag fall. "Scott! Groceries! I'll be right back!" He ran upstairs to his room and kicked the door shut behind him, falling into his desk chair. He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. This ends now.

Lydia, my Lydia. I am so sorry. I am so sorry for doing all of this to you. I was supposed to not hurt. I was supposed to be different. I was supposed to comfort you and always be there. And I left you. I am so sorry. I was wrong.

It's time you know what happened. When I broke up with you, you said that you didn't know where this was coming from. A few days ago I was fine and talking about the future. You're right. It was sudden. I lied when I said it had been on my mind.

Your dad tracked me down. He told me that I was selfish to hold on to you, that it would be hard on us to go to different colleges and stay together. He expressed to me that I wasn't good enough. That you deserved the world and that with my career choice I could only give you the country. That's right. One my reasons was something as stupid and petty as money, as if you really care about that.

He went on to tell me that you're a genius and that you've never even been able to tap into your true potential because you've always had the distraction of a boyfriend. Please don't hate me for listening. I know that you don't let anyone distract you, that you do what you need to do. I was stupid and scared. I was blind.

I was afraid I wasn't going to be enough. I've always wanted you to be happy and I was afraid that I wasn't your best shot at that. I'm sorry for trying to make that decision for you. But I think also… I was afraid you'd break up with me first, that I'd lose control and be blindsided. Instead I blindsided you. I will always regret it.

Lydia, I was a chickenshit, again. Again. I ruined it. I don't expect you to forgive me but if you would I would be eternally grateful. Even without it, I'll always be grateful to you for letting me love you at all. I know I broke your trust. I am so sorry. I will never do anything this stupid again, I swear.

I love you. I will always love you. I have always loved you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I would take a bullet for you in a heartbeat, I would do anything to make you know that you are loved. Even if you move on, even if you marry someone else in a few years, I will support you and love you and be there for you. I hope you can manage to let me in again, even just a little.

When we got home I should have taken you into my arms and kissed you and held you and told you how desperately I missed you. I have missed you every second since you pulled out of my driveway the night of our last kiss. I have ached for another kiss, another smile, another laugh, another touch, another word, another anything. I missed you, I miss you still. I need you in my life Lydia Martin.

I love you, I love you I love you, I love you. I will never take it for granted again. I'm sorry I ever tried to stop. You, Lydia Martin, are the love of my life. You are the freaking Ally to my Noah. I want to be together that long. I want to be in your life when we're old.

I should shut up. I'm not trying to guilt you into anything. But I owe you an explanation after everything. I'm sorry I left you. I promise: never again. Never. I love you. I'm sorry.

-Stiles

Stiles stared at the paper for a long time and leaned back into his chair. He chewed on his lower lip for several minutes before taking the paper in his hands and folding it several times. Then he slipped it into his desk drawer. He couldn't.

"I'm such a damn chickenshit," he whispered, dropping his head into his hands.

And I hope you know that every time I don't

I almost do,

I almost do.