So it's gonna be forever
Or it's gonna go down in flames
You can tell me when it's over
If the high was worth the pain
Stiles paced around at the sidewalk for what seemed like years. "Don't be a chickenshit," he muttered. "Don't be a chickenshit. Ah, I'm such a chickenshit." He groaned and ran his hands through his hair.
"Just like one minute. Just one minute of courage," he grumbled to himself. "On three. One, two, three, go." He grabbed his phone and then stopped and stared at it. With a groan his arm dropped to his side. "Okay, well, that's okay. I said on three, not on go. Here we go. On three. One, two, three."
Taking a deep breath, Stiles grabbed his phone and called Lydia.
"Stiles?"
He slowly let out the breath he'd ended up holding as he heard her voice. "Lyds. Hey. So. Wanna go for a walk?"
There was a long pause. A long pause. It was torture. Finally, she said, "Sure. I can do that."
"Great. I'm outside."
"I know. I've been watching you pace for the last half hour." The amusement was clear in her voice.
"Right. Of course you have."
"I'll be right down."
Lydia came out of the house a couple of minutes later, giving him a wary, amused smile. "Took you long enough."
Stiles grinned softly and ducked his head. "You could have called me."
"I could have. But I didn't." She grinned at him. "It was too amusing. Where are we going?"
"Anywhere." After a few minutes, Stiles altered his statement. "Want to go to the park?" Lydia gave a half shrug of agreement and they continued to walk in silence.
Finally, Stiles said, "Any friends at college?"
"A couple. There's this guy, Brad. You'd like him."
Stiles bit back the comment he wanted to make, that he seriously doubted that. Who the hell was Brad and what was he doing with Lydia? Were they just friends? Was it more? Could it be more? There were a million questions swirling around his head.
"You're different," Lydia said, her eyes observing him with the old guarded expression she used to use on him and everyone else.
He narrowed his eyes curiously as he stepped onto the grass of the park. "How so?" he asked slowly.
"I don't know," she said slowly. "I know how to read you. You've changed your mind about something. There's something in your demeanor that's different. Something... Something you think is important."
He felt his heart skip a beat. "Is it bad?"
"I'm not sure yet." Lydia led him towards the jungle gym.
Cause we're young and we're reckless
We'll take this way too far
It'll leave you breathless
Or with a nasty scar
I've been picking up the pieces of the mess you made
People like you always want back the love they pushed aside
But people like me are gone forever
When you say goodbye
Lydia let her bare feet rest on the sand, just barely letting her swing move back and forth. "I haven't just gone to a park in ages."
Stiles was quiet beside her for a moment before asking, "Since we went?"
"Yeah." She looked at Stiles, barely turning her head to him, and let herself watch him. He was looking at the moon, that faraway, yet focused look in his eyes. She loved that look. He'd look at his board like that, or his homework, or, sometimes, her. Sometimes she'd snap at him when she saw him studying her but even then it was nice- to look over and know he was watching, that even when they weren't in conversation, he wanted to know what was going on in her head. It scared her- that she wanted someone to know every part of her.
Unable to take it anymore, she pushed herself back and threw the swing into motion. She'd never be able to do this with anyone but Stiles. He brought out the part of her that yearned to be a kid again. She couldn't imagine going to a park with anyone else.
The swing set squeaked as Stiles kicked his into gear as well and soon they were racing to see who could get the highest. It wasn't long before they were both laughing and if Lydia let herself, she could almost believe that they were still together, that he had never broken up with her. But to forget would be to open up again and she just couldn't do that. Not after her promised not to leave and did. Never again would she trust him like that. She couldn't.
But she could have this moment, couldn't she? She could just stay in this moment, where the pain wasn't as fresh, wasn't forcing them to a painful battlefield.
Lydia threw him a sly grin before shouting, "Whoever jumps furthest?"
"Are you kidding?"
"One."
"No way."
"Two."
"On three or go?"
"Go! Three! Go!" Lydia threw herself from the swing and landed right on Stiles. He grunted and she propped herself up, leaning over him. "Oh my gosh, are you okay?" She couldn't stop the giggle from escaping, just like he couldn't stop his grin.
"Yeah..."
"Why did you jump early?"
"I went at go."
"No, I went at go."
"I went at the first go."
"Well, no one goes one, two, go." Lydia let her head fall on his chest, laughter making her giddy. This moment, right here, was the moment she wanted to be in for the rest of her life.
"At least I wasn't being a chickenshit." His hand brushed her cheek. Lydia's heart jumped at the contact and she looked up at him slowly. The grin was gone and now he was looking at her with a look of soft yearning, love, passion. "I think I'm through being a chickenshit, Lyds..."
"Good," she breathed.
He hesitated for just a moment before words began to pour from his lips as if he were afraid of chickening out. "I'm so sorry I broke up with you. I shouldn't have. I didn't want to. I felt like I didn't have a choice. I was a stupid, scared teenager. But I'm not now. I learned. I love-"
"No." Lydia sat up, pulling herself away from him, away from the words she'd dreamed of for the past year. "Stop."
"Why? Stiles sat up. "Lydia, I love you. I know I hurt you but maybe I can fix-"
"Stiles, you can't fix this!" Tears stung her eyes and she wanted to get rid of them. I will not cry. I will not cry.
"Let me try. Lydia, I'm ready to tell you why."
She froze and thought about it for a moment. "Okay," she said slowly. "Talk."
"It's no one's fault but mine. No one broke us up but me. I know that. I acknowledge it. But your dad talked to me."
"You listened to my dad? Did he tell you to break up with me?"
"Yes. But Lydia, list-"
"I can't believe you would listen to my father! I told you about him! I told you!" She got to her feet, the urge to cry growing stronger with every second. She grabbed her shoes off of the sand and started to walk away.
"Lydia, wait. Wait!" Stiles was following her. "Shit, Lydia, wait. Please. I know it was stupid. I... He told me you could do better, okay? And he's right so-"
"I hate it when people say that!" Lydia spun around to face him. "I hate it! What is wrong with you? I'm the one who picks what I want. You don't get to decide if I should have you or the guy I met on the subway or fucking Chris Pine! I get to choose that! Not you!"
"I know that now! I know!" Stiles's eyes were desperate, wild. He shook his head. "I know! I was stupid and I was wrong! I was insecure and I thought you'd figure out that you deserved better and you'd leave me! Okay?"
"You're so stupid!" She spat the last word with as much venom as she had the energy to muster, clenching her fist to try to stop the tears that were starting to roll down her face. "I wouldn't have left you! I love you! I was yours Stiles! I felt safe with you! Do you know how amazing that is? You had me! After all those years you finally got me! I wasn't going anywhere! I was waiting for you to! And then you didn't and I thought I was safe. I thought I was safe!"
"You are safe!"
"Not with you." She knew the words broke his heart, she could see it on his face. His amber eyes widened just slightly, his eyebrows knitting together in hurt, tears welling in his eyes. Good, she thought bitterly. You can hurt like I do. But she didn't want that and that made her angrier. "I hate you."
"No, you don't," he whispered.
"If not this is the closest I've ever gotten," she lied bitterly.
"Lydia, I wanted to protect you. He said that you've done so well in school with a boyfriend you should have a right to do it without one so-"
"So you made that decision for me? Fuck you both."
"I told him that. I swore at him in a grocery store. I stood up to him and I realized, finally, what I did. I'm so sorry. Please. I want to fix it. I want to be with you. I love you."
"I can't trust you." Lydia backed away from him, feeling more tears sliding down her cheeks. "I don't trust you. I won't. I still love you but it's not enough. You could have stayed. If you had just stayed with me, Stiles, I would have been yours for the rest of our lives. You had me. And you lost me. Don't come back now. It's too late. I'm already gone."
"Lydia, wait. Please." Stiles stepped towards her, eyes brimming with tears. She waited and he opened his mouth but no words came out.
"See? You don't know how to fix this either. We're done, Stiles. There's no more of us dating. We can be friends, maybe, but not how we were. I can't let you in again. You promised me that you weren't going to leave, that you were different. You were wrong." She started to walk away then stopped, turned back to him and said simply, "This is what you wanted, Stiles." She shook her head and walked away from the boy she loved.
Hey, all you had to do was stay
Had me in the palm of your hand
Man, why'd you have to go and lock me out when I let you in
Stay, hey, now you say you want it
Back, now that it's just too late
Well could've been easy, all you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay
Let me remind you, this was what you wanted
You ended it